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#359461 - 04/12/11 07:12 PM Re: Keeping My Young Sons Safe [Re: Keeptrying]
RecoveryReady1 Offline


Registered: 12/05/10
Posts: 433
Keeptrying,
It is clear that you are a loving, caring, mother who is there for her children.....It's plain as day in your words.
Trust your own judgement....you are right!
Love and support


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#359473 - 04/12/11 08:55 PM Re: Keeping My Young Sons Safe [Re: RecoveryReady1]
Anthony39 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/15/07
Posts: 345
Loc: Montreal, Canada
I have been waiting to answer your post. I needed to think about what to say.
I will tell you what i wish an adult would have said when I was a child.
The safety of your children come first. They should be removed from any danger of being abused. This is the first responsibility of a parent. They come first.
You mention how difficult it would be to have their lives turned up side down if the authorities were to get involved. Think of the alternative. I know you feel alone, get the resources available, take charge. As scary as it maybe, you have to do the right thing. There is a way out of this.
I read the other posts and I know you are doing what you can, but please understand there can be no hesitation on your part. The consequences are catastrophic. Ask any of the guys in here.
I don't want to sound harsh but i feel a certain amount of frustration when it comes to these types of situations. You are the one in charge, you are the adult.
Please stay in touch and let us know how your little ones are. I also have twins at home. My boys are 5.
Take care,
Anthony

_________________________
Look up and not down; look forward and not back; look out and not in; and lend a hand.
E. E. Hale


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eM213aMKTHg

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#359478 - 04/12/11 09:29 PM Re: Keeping My Young Sons Safe [Re: Anthony39]
Keeptrying Offline


Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 50
Thanks, Anthony. You said "there is a way out of this" and the "alternative." Would you please be more specific, perhaps in a PM? I'm not hesitating after I read all the responses. I told my husband already over dinner that he will no longer take the boys to his mother's house without me. I didn't tell him the reason because I don't think either he or I am ready for what comes next.

Keeptrying


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#359492 - 04/12/11 11:06 PM Re: Keeping My Young Sons Safe [Re: Keeptrying]
TJ jeff Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/07/04
Posts: 3362
Loc: Northern Wisconsin
Keeptrying,

I could write a novel in response to your post but sadly I'm running short on time tonight - but - so much of what you wrote about your husband and his brother echos of my own past with my mother (yes - she physical/mentaly/and indirectly sexualy abused me)

there are so many "boundaries" that she has crossed with your husband, his brother, and with your 2 sons

I had to go back and re-read your post... - I do know from my own time in the military that customs are very diffrent in other countries than they are here in the states (when I first read your post I was thinking that it was her that was in China - but after re-reading it I saw that it was your parents who are in China) - I can say very wholeheartedly that what you have described is NOT normal for the U.S.

your C questions rally chill me to the core - when i first read C1 I was thinking that you where describing them taking their diapers off (which some parents do in the thought that the child will not wet the bed - or that if they do they will feel it right away and stop and then go to the bathroom) - but then I saw that you said "pants" and it hit me that they are probably already out of diapers and if they are then there is absolutely no reason why she should have them going to bed butt naked

C3 is mind boggling to me - there is absolutely no reason she needs to be comenting on your sons penis and balls - granted, preschoolers still need help sometimes bathing/dressing/ect... - granted, she's going to see their private parts (my wife has worked most of her life with pre-schoolers - she would never comment on their private parts unless it where medicaly necessary)

C4 - she does this every time he is there? - has he every had this "itchy" problem at home?

Q1 - there is most deffinately a lack of normal boundaries

Q2 - yes, you are absolutely right - it's avery powerful form of control

Q3 - it's very possible that she might be - most children are very deep sleepers (and it would explain why she wanted them to go to bed buck naked so she would have easier access to their private parts)

Q4 - I hate to say it so directly because i don't know your husband at all - but... I will say that my wife and I have discussed that if we ever have kids that they will NEVER be alone with my mother at any time - and... if I had not went through recovery I have no doubts that I would not have stood up to my own mother (it's hard to stand up for others when you don't even fully recognize the damage that she did to you as a child)

is so much more I could say... - but need to close this... - but... - try to get your hands on a book called Toxic Parents by Dr Susan Forward - if you can get your husband to read it his eyes just might open up to his own past and then he will be totaly onboard with you about protecting his children

TJ jeff

_________________________
Who will cry for the little boy? - I will... - Antwone Fisher

Abuse happens in silence/isolation - Recovery happens only when that silence/isolation is broken...

TJ's History

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#359537 - 04/13/11 10:18 AM Re: Keeping My Young Sons Safe [Re: TJ jeff]
Keeptrying Offline


Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 50
Thanks, TJ, I'll get the book. I appreciate every post here which helps me to put together my action plans. Cultural differences or not, one or two things maybe. But when you add up the 21 things on the list, it's getting out of the normal zone. And what I've learned so far may be just the tip of an iceberg. Only my husband and his brother can tell the whole story, which may never come to light when they're so protective of their mother.



Keeptrying



Edited by Keeptrying (04/20/11 01:37 PM)

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#359621 - 04/13/11 10:07 PM Re: Keeping My Young Sons Safe [Re: Keeptrying]
Keeptrying Offline


Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 50
Had an ultrasound today. I'm six weeks pregnant. Seeing the heartbeat of the baby on screen, I cried hard. What's the meaning of bringing another new life if I can't keep it safe within my own family?

If not coming here, I'd still be wondering what my husband said is true: so she took their pants off, napped with them butt naked, made indecent comments of their private parts, and washed there like a ritual, what is the big deal?

So I still keep trying. From all the resources I've got so far, I'm still vague on exactly what was noted in Remickulous1's post that "as a very young child (maybe 18mo old), where she taught me to pleasure her sexually." I need to learn if my mother-in-law did the similar things with my sons. If anyone could help me with a detailed de>


Edited by Keeptrying (04/20/11 01:42 PM)

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#359636 - 04/14/11 12:14 AM Re: Keeping My Young Sons Safe [Re: Keeptrying]
Dewey Offline
Member

Registered: 11/13/02
Posts: 137
Loc: the sunshine state
Hi there,
I wish the absolute best for your family, for everyone involved. My suggestion would be to call your local Department of Children and Families Service and ask for their advice and help. Your local County Mental Health Center or Women's Resource Center are also good places to start. Keep going!

_________________________
I refuse to use my past as an excuse to not have a future.
My hero Dad; Trigger warning- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Oi3Hyxuf5AE

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#359824 - 04/15/11 08:16 PM Re: Keeping My Young Sons Safe [Re: Keeptrying]
Napoleon Offline


Registered: 04/06/11
Posts: 166
Loc: Utah
Having read your post I am certain that what is happing to your children is that grandma is grooming them. Your children have already been groomed. She has no need to bath them, your children have already been abused. Things will escalate and get worse. This is how they work it. They slowly overcome boundaries, and the abuse will get worse. Look up GROOMING understand what it is.

Originally Posted By: Keeptrying
...because Sunday afternoon is their family time...

Grandparents who cross boundrys are not entitled to time with your children.

Abuse is easy to hide through threats and coercion. Do not allow any contact without supervision. Go on Sundays, or do not allow your kids to go (sounds like you already are going to do this, but I just want to re-assure you this is the right decision). Get a court restraining order if needed.

It sounds like you may be in an abusive situation with your husband.
Originally Posted By: Keeptrying
...Make life hell... ...he'd be so furious...."


You may need to leave your husband if he won’t support you on this. Would you consider returning to china? 5 Years ago I would not have asked this, but China’s economy may surpass the US by time they are of age.

_________________________
“Your only limit within reason, is the one that you set up in your own mind.” Napoleon Hill, The Law of Success, 1925.

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#359837 - 04/16/11 01:03 AM Re: Keeping My Young Sons Safe [Re: Napoleon]
Keeptrying Offline


Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 50
For all of you caring about my sons' safety and having shared with me all the advices, I'd like to assure you that my sons will not see my mother-in-law supervised or not before any safety measure is put into place. If I could make it happen, they will only see her perhaps for holiday dinners in a public place with my eyes on them every minute.

Thanks for helping me to protect the boys from further harms. You're truly caring, supportive, insightful, and have a passion for helping each other

And yes, Napoleon, my husband is emotionally verbally abusive, and he is also an MS who is still in denial. He tried to abuse me so that I could experience what he had experienced as a child, and it's also for him to project his revenge towards his mother onto me. But I fought back, which he tried but was in fertile when he was a boy. It's much easier for me just to leave him. But our sons were born. Maybe it's my love for them, maybe it's their love for him, he's become a better father, except occasional short period outburst.

No matter what he decides, I'm not depend on him to keep the boys safe. I'll keep you updated.

Keeptrying



Edited by Keeptrying (04/20/11 01:45 PM)

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#359901 - 04/16/11 05:55 PM Re: Keeping My Young Sons Safe [Re: Keeptrying]
Keeptrying Offline


Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 50
They - my husband and mother-in-law started making me and my sons to pay a huge price now for my disclosure of what was noted as C1-C4 in my initial post. My husband is either filing for divorce and seeking custody of my kids or he is going to leave us. My family is broken like many out there, and my kids will live without a father or mother. He defended her vigorously what she did was just caring about the boys. He said that what I've learned here were just skewed views.

I so regret having my children with him!



Edited by Keeptrying (04/16/11 08:07 PM)

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