Does anyone here find themselves listening to songs or watching things that MAKE them trigger, and then just kind of wallowing in that trigger?
For me it is the song, "How to Disappear Completely
" by Radiohead. It takes me right back to the days, weeks, and months after my assault. I don't remember much about that time. I don't even know what became of me. My wife says that I would just lie down, unresponsive to the world around me. She thought I was down due to other stresses going on in my life regarding medical conditions and such. I lost weight and I lost time. I don't remember Thanksgiving, I don't remember Christmas, I don't remember my birthday. All I remember is mental and physical pain. My body is my prison. I despised the nerve endings that tensed away from what felt like an assault of affection and human touch. I remember begging God to forgive me for what I did and to let my soul free from this world.
So why on earth would I sit around on a Sunday... listening to a song that triggers me back so intensely to that time?
I am trying to recover what happened, to see if maybe I was still there, under all of that cumbersome flesh that did nothing but drag me down.
I do have a few memories that stand out.
When I was in a rehab center, they brought in pets every so often and I do remember a Golden retriever that used to put his head in my lap. I remember he sat there still against me, trusting me... wagging his tail. I remember the move out of the rehab center and into our new house, and I remember touching my wife's pregnant belly and feeling the baby kick. That is what started dragging me out of that depression. I owe my whole life to that tiny little person.
Still, my usually good memory has so many gaps. This morning, I asked my wife today what went on during those months. "Do we have to talk about this today?" No, I suppose we don't. I can't blame her.
Lately, when I have nightmares I do not dream of my assailant, or any of the things he did. I have nightmares about those days and weeks after the assault. Some of the nightmares take place in my home... and have to do with my wife trying to initiate sexual contact (who knew that would ever give me nightmares?) and some of the other nightmares have to do with going to the doctor or physical therapist and being in too much pain even to say what I need, and that feeling like the assault somehow. I don't know if these experiences actually happened, or if they are just an amalgamation of experiences and/or feelings from that time. Either way, I wonder if I should even bother with thinking about this in the first place or if it is even useful in my recovery.