*possible triggers*

Does anyone here find themselves listening to songs or watching things that MAKE them trigger, and then just kind of wallowing in that trigger?

For me it is the song, "How to Disappear Completely" by Radiohead. It takes me right back to the days, weeks, and months after my assault. I don't remember much about that time. I don't even know what became of me. My wife says that I would just lie down, unresponsive to the world around me. She thought I was down due to other stresses going on in my life regarding medical conditions and such. I lost weight and I lost time. I don't remember Thanksgiving, I don't remember Christmas, I don't remember my birthday. All I remember is mental and physical pain. My body is my prison. I despised the nerve endings that tensed away from what felt like an assault of affection and human touch. I remember begging God to forgive me for what I did and to let my soul free from this world.

So why on earth would I sit around on a Sunday... listening to a song that triggers me back so intensely to that time?

I am trying to recover what happened, to see if maybe I was still there, under all of that cumbersome flesh that did nothing but drag me down.

I do have a few memories that stand out.

When I was in a rehab center, they brought in pets every so often and I do remember a Golden retriever that used to put his head in my lap. I remember he sat there still against me, trusting me... wagging his tail. I remember the move out of the rehab center and into our new house, and I remember touching my wife's pregnant belly and feeling the baby kick. That is what started dragging me out of that depression. I owe my whole life to that tiny little person.

Still, my usually good memory has so many gaps. This morning, I asked my wife today what went on during those months. "Do we have to talk about this today?" No, I suppose we don't. I can't blame her.

Lately, when I have nightmares I do not dream of my assailant, or any of the things he did. I have nightmares about those days and weeks after the assault. Some of the nightmares take place in my home... and have to do with my wife trying to initiate sexual contact (who knew that would ever give me nightmares?) and some of the other nightmares have to do with going to the doctor or physical therapist and being in too much pain even to say what I need, and that feeling like the assault somehow. I don't know if these experiences actually happened, or if they are just an amalgamation of experiences and/or feelings from that time. Either way, I wonder if I should even bother with thinking about this in the first place or if it is even useful in my recovery.

It sounds to me as though you may possibly need a good anti-depressant to help pull you out. Who do you know that could prescribe for you?

Get a golden retriever.

It sounds like you have a dissociative disorder. 1) You are losing time, 2) You are having memory problems (there are holes in your memory). 3) Something within you is making choices for you (dissociative disorder?) such as in music. And/or possibly the triggering stimulates adrenalin and norepinephrine which give you some temporary relief.

If you can get your mood stabilized with the help of a little medication, (not alcohol) then you can start talking things out with a good therapist. It will have to be very gentle to handle your great anxiety.

Allen

Hi Allen,

Thanks so much for your thoughtful reply.

I have suspected for awhile that I might have problems with dissociation. I suppose I could find a psychiatrist and have them evaluate me and discuss methods of treatment. I am a little hesitant to add another doctor to the list of MD's I currently see, and more medication to the long list of meds I am on. But that is probably not a good reason to avoid something that might eventually help me feel better.

As for the golden retriever,we do have a dog in the house and he does help my mood quite a bit. I have been trying to get out of the house when the weather is good and toss him a frisbee. There is something about the unconditional trust dogs have that is comforting to me... same thing with my son... he is a joy to have around and as much as it is a lot of work keeping up with him, he is one of the things that eases my numbness.

But at the same time, I think the numbness is... for lack of a better, less Floydian term, comfortable. I know it serves a purpose.

I do talk to a therapist... It has taken a long time to get comfortable with the idea of going to that mode of therapy, but it does help and for the first time I feel like we are actually getting somewhere. However, the things he says push me further out of that comfort zone of numbness and when I am touched (which unfortunately is part of my daily existence) the touch is less anesthetized--more real and I don't know what to do with it.

Peter

i feel your pain i keep listening to those kinds of songs 2 one of these days by helen slater. angel, do what you have to do, answer by martina mcbride

When I was 15 there was a Rod Stewart song called "Do Ya Think I'm Sexy" that was real popular in the 70s. Whenever I hear it now I get sick to my stomach and feel shame because it was playing on the radio the night when my first perp got me drunk and abused me. It never goes away.

Rusty

Hi rusty,

I can see how that song would trigger some pretty difficult memories for you. I don't have any songs that were playing at the time of my assault but there are songs that remind me a little bit of the sexual assault, even that ridiculous new Katy Perry song that is out right now ("Wanna be a victim/ ready for abduction") I see myself as a freak of nature in a lot of ways.

Songs are powerful enough to trigger horrible memories, and songs I have always liked before my assault ("Lullaby" by the Cure for example) have taken on new, disturbing meanings that I have to work through. I just wonder if it is healthy to spend so much time listening to songs that make me wallow in the misery of victimization. It is not very "survivor" like.

Music is a very powerful tool. It moves us to sing, dance, heals wounds, brings back memories both pleasurable and painful.

If it's bringing you pain. Then it's time to find another radio station to listen to or buy new cds.

Here's one to remind you that you are "Beautiful." If only for a moment.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R_mkyQbdFng

Rusty