Lately the song "Upward Over the Mountain" has been on my mind. It's by some guy who calls himself Iron & Wine, but it is actually a really good song that resonates a lot with how I perceive my relationship with my mom. I'll post the lyrics here:

Mother don't worry, I killed the last snake that lived in the creek bed
Mother don't worry, I've got some money I saved for the weekend
Mother remember being so stern with that girl who was with me?
Mother remember the blink of an eye when I breathed through your body?

So may the sunrise bring hope where it once was forgotten
Sons are like birds, flying upward over the mountain

Mother I made it up from the bruise on the floor of this prison
Mother I lost it, all of the fear of the Lord I was given
Mother forget me now that the creek drank the cradle you sang to
Mother forgive me, I sold your car for the shoes that I gave you

So may the sunrise bring hope where it once was forgotten
Sons could be birds, taken broken up to the mountain

Mother don't worry, I've got a coat and some friends on the corner
Mother don't worry, she's got a garden we're planting together
Mother remember the night that the dog had her pups in the pantry?
Blood on the floor, fleas on their paws,
And you cried 'til the morning

So may the sunrise bring hope where it once was forgotten
Sons are like birds, flying always over the mountain

I have disclosed to everyone in my immediate family except my mother. She has no idea what happened to me. She probably never will. But it is evident that she perceives that some part of her son is gone...swallowed up... She wasn't the perfect mom but did the best she could with what she had. She taught me to trust, and to see the good in people. She has her own struggles with depression and I don't know what it would do to her to discover that her son had been raped.

I have some male friends, and I am so reluctant to tell them because I fear they will judge my character negatively and think that I was a man of lesser virtue. I fear dishonor from men.

But when it comes to my mother, I am afraid of her sorrow.

Mother, forget me. Forget me for your own sake.

Disclosure is immensely personal and does have to be done with both yourself and the person you are disclosing too in mind. Your point that to share this type of information can and often does cause pain to the person to whom you are revealing is a valid concern. Therefor it is only fair to consider them and their welfare as well.

So much of me wants to suggest you disclose to your mother. She, like my mom and most moms, (Not all) would walk through hell to protect and shield their sons. Yet, I made the same decision and have never told my parents. For me, deciding to remain silent was partly out of a noble sense of wanting to protect them and to a large part of not wanting to see, what I feared most, that split second, just a flash of disappointment I’ve witness on discloser to others. Down deep I know that my mom would support me to the end of eternity but I couldn’t and didn’t take the risk, now it’s too late. (I question deeply that decision)

Peter, thanks for bring the subject of disclosing to parents to the forum, for I believe it is a much needed conversation. I’ll be interesting in reading of others and their decision, ya or nay, as to divulging to their parents.

Yes, my mother would have walked through hell to protect me, too, or any of her other children. Telling my sisters was not easy to do, but I had to do it since they spend so much time in my house, I was having surgery to repair the damage done to my body from the assault, and it would be hard to hide such a thing from them. They cried buckets of tears, both of them. They get their temperaments from their mother. They handled it very well, but my mother was hospitalized for a suicide attempt a few months ago, it was unexpected and we had no idea how much pain she was in, and that is a boat I am not going to rock.

What is holding you back, Peter, is it for her or is it something else? Sit with that, dear brother, and be determined to find the answer.

If you had be otherwise feloniously attacked, would you be as hesitant? What if you were mugged, carjacked, beaten, or hit and run on the road?

MOST importantly, please look over the Ken Singer article on disclosure and confrontation here in MS. Once you are sure of what you want to do, or not do, you can act in a way that you support and sustain you in your recovery.

Abuse is done in secret, recovery is done out loud!

Whatever decision you make, it is the right decision for you, I am confident, Peter.

I disclosed to my mother, and I have not received any more or less support from her. In fact, it was a release to tell her, as I do not go to her as an emotional crutch as I used to, with long telephone calls about my lot in life. It was a disconnection and support of my self validation. My father left the room, he would not hear of it.

I wish the same and more for you, I too feel strongly about this topic, and as Earl mentions, would like to hear more from others as to disclosing to parents, peers, siblings, spouses..,

Sam

Peter,

That is quite a tight rope to walk - considering others and self in disclosures. Sometimes I think I tended to consider the feelings of others to my detriment. Some of it may have had to do with fear of reactions but also felt I was protecting them in a sense.

I never spoke to my parents about it - a friend told them when I was still living in the state where it happened. He did it out of concern for me so I do not hold it against him now. But we never discussed it and that was my call.

I can see why you would pull back from disclosing to your mother. You are concerned about her well being and her stability in accepting this. But do not allow that to wash over to your male friends. I am not sure why but I think disclosing to a male has so much more power to it. That sense of sexual acceptance you have from your wife. Is there that yearning to have it from your male friends now? I had that for many years. It is a strong pull for me. I miss having a male friend who knew - I had two at one time but on separate occasions. We drifted over time from each other.

I encourage you to take that big step of disclosing to at least one male. Remember it is not something that is often heard so let him breathe a bit and you breathe a bit too. You just might be surprised how much support you get.

Pick who feels right to you - who you felt the closest to in the past. And give them a chance. Easy to say - hard to do. But this is your thread so I get to say it.

I wish you well in this and hope you talk it out if you need to more. Don't deny him the blessing of being there for you.


Daryl

Hi Daryl,

So... your family knows? But you have never said anything?

They don't know that this is still a burden you carry today?

I am always pushing people away. There are many situations where I have pushed my wife away (like telling her not to touch me) and I have found that it is OK to say things like, "I am ready for touch again."

Just because they know, and you don't talk about it, doesn't mean that it isn't OK for you to let people know about what is going on in your recovery. You might find that people will respond with kindness and support.

I don't know what you mean about sexual acceptance from a man, but I suppose as a straight guy I'd still desire acceptance from men mostly that they will affirm my sense of masculinity. I do feel like maybe I could tell him. Yet I don't know what to say. I suppose the situation will come up on its own.

Peter,

I guess I should have said "partner acceptance". I look back and wish I had shared my story with the one guy who was pretty much "the guy". That is my biggest regret that I did not tell Ken. I look back and see now, with clearer mind and eyes, that he was the type of man who would have accepted me no matter what. Instead I pushed him until I thought he would leave me. He did not so I left. To this day he does not know why. He is with someone else and I did try to see him quite a while back but he was not home. I met the person he is with now. And a very nice person indeed. So I left and have to live with my own actions and inactions.

My parents knew, my dad is now deceased, but we never discussed it. A friend who was worried had contacted them back in Oklahoma. They drove to where I was living at the time.

The next guy I feel like I could make a commitment to I will tell. I will not make that major mistake again. I have learned that much anyway.

Yes, I think we all seek acceptance from men. I know I have in the wrong ways but also in good ways as well. Not just gay men but straight as well. To be seen as just a regular man. Still a struggle but not so bad as it used to be.

Hi Daryl,

I understand how difficult it can be to make the decision to tell people.. One one hand, you figure they are kind enough souls who would know that you would never have asked for such a thing, and they'd understand that you need support and acceptance. On the other hand, it is easy to come up with 1000 reasons why they would not accept you due to the way sexual assault makes you feel about yourself.

I want acceptance from my male friends, I just don't know if taking the risk right now is going to be good for me. After my assault there was this kneejerk impulse to tell everyone in my life to GET OUT AND STAY OUT. That impulse still rules over my relationships a lot of the time.

I thought your dad had passed away before the abuse? I don't have much of a memory anymore, I guess... They drove to the apartment where your assault took place? Did you see them or were they someplace else? Obviously, if they drove up there to see you, they cared about you very much, right? You said you had a friend who worried about you. It is a tragedy when there are people who would have supported us, yet we shut them out... and while I mourn that loss for you, I also completely empathize with the feelings that drove you out of your own relationships.

It has been well over a year since I have been alone. I mean, really alone. Not just the room to myself, the whole HOUSE to myself. It has been years since I have had the autonomy to just pick up and go somewhere and say "screw you" to everyone. I am surrounded by people all of the time and there are reasons for that. But I do close my eyes often and imagine I am in solitude, on the Greek isle of Patmos, or maybe out in the middle of a desert, or on a wilderness hike with no other people in sight.

Peter,

When it is right I encourage you to open up to the male friend you had mentioned to me before. Like you said we simply stop ourselves so often and thererore deny ourselves so much.

My Dad died almost eight years ago.

Hiya Peter,

For me, disclosure has been a positive thing. Of course the first person I disclosed to was my wife. She had known of some of my past with other men but never to the extent as being sexually abused. Since I've "come out" so to speak, she and I have had an on going dialogue about my abuse ever since. Now she knows every sordid detail and hasn't batted an eye.

The only other people I've disclosed to have been my brother (by phone) and my father (by short email) and they both responded well. My family isn't all warm and fuzzy so I didn't get smoochies from them but at least they havent' shunned me - yet.

My bosses know to a small degree only because I have PTSD and weekly sessions with my psychiatrist so they have to know because of how it effects my job as a department head. They've been supportive and have taken some of my resposiblities away for a while until I can reach a level of recovery that will allow me to be able to handle the stresses that I would ordinarily have to deal with.

Anyway, all of our situations are different. Disclosure to the wrong people can be damaging. Be wise to whom you reveal your story to. You could be set back or leapt forward in your recovery dependant upon who you tell. It's very thin line we walk my brother. Who do we trust...?

Rusty