it is not easy for me to write this down. i have lived a life of not trusting, not feeling safe. and i still feel this way today. even here i am afraid of what i mention. will it come back to haunt me? is this an anonymous forum? will someone take what i enter and hurt me? i hope not.
well, i am 39 years old and unemployed. i suffer from an anxiety disorder, social phobia, and dysthmic disorder. i have been diagnosed with major depression as well.
i had to leave my last job due to a physical injury and have not worked in three years. after leaving work i sank into a depression. i have been in therapy and i have tried antidepressants without success. i stopped taking them because i could not handle the side effects.
i came to this site after i read a great book on the abuse of boys. i think the name of the book was "victims no longer". for the first 30 years of my life i had an unhealthy relationship with my mother. she was very emotionally abusive, verbally abusive, and sometimes physically abusive. i have no memory of her being sexually abusive thank god. my father is an addict, a workaholic. i never spent the kind of time with him i wish i could have. he was always lost in his addiction. i think it was how he felt safe and competent.
years ago i read a book called "the emotional incest syndrome" by a female author and i felt that what she wrote about definitely applied to my mother and i. i am not in therapy right now and am receiving no emotional support which i know is a bad thing.
i know i need some kind of support. i am very fortunate to live in an apartment in a building my grandfather owns. for years he has only charged me what i could afford for rent. i know i am truly blessed to have my grandfathers love and help in my life.
i do not know what to write now. i have been struggling with strong feelings of anger and betrayal for some time. i must be very careful not to lose control of my anger and unleash it on those around me. i know that doing such is a huge mistake.
sometimes i feel very lonely. i have no friends. i had been a member of a men's support group nearby but a member and i had a falling out and i began to see the group in a different way. i felt like it was better for me to leave the group. i miss the support but not some of the members.
lately i have struggled with strong feelings of hopelessness. i have considered suicide a number of times in my life but i tell myself that my god has a time and a place destined for the end of my physical life and to create my own time and place would be a violation of my god's will. it would be a wrong thing to do. i also tell myself that this too will pass. to hold on for better days. this too will pass.
i have never been able to trust another enough to truly love. i have attempted to enter into relationships but every time i reached the point where the intimacy became too great and i had to run away. i felt too threatened. too unsafe. i had to run away in order to feel safe. i have done much running in my life.
well i feel a little better now that i got these things off my chest. i hope i do not wind up regretting this. even now i wonder if i am better off deleting this entire message before posting it.
no, i truly admire the sharing that other sincere men do on this discussion board. i will take a leap of faith. i will post it and hopefully everything will turn out allright. thanks for bearing with my rambling. i have recorded thought after thought. i could go on for a lot longer but i will stop now. thanks for reading this. and may our gods bless us all and help us along our journeys. sincerely,