hello men

it is not easy for me to write this down. i have lived a life of not trusting, not feeling safe. and i still feel this way today. even here i am afraid of what i mention. will it come back to haunt me? is this an anonymous forum? will someone take what i enter and hurt me? i hope not.

well, i am 39 years old and unemployed. i suffer from an anxiety disorder, social phobia, and dysthmic disorder. i have been diagnosed with major depression as well.

i had to leave my last job due to a physical injury and have not worked in three years. after leaving work i sank into a depression. i have been in therapy and i have tried antidepressants without success. i stopped taking them because i could not handle the side effects.

i came to this site after i read a great book on the abuse of boys. i think the name of the book was "victims no longer". for the first 30 years of my life i had an unhealthy relationship with my mother. she was very emotionally abusive, verbally abusive, and sometimes physically abusive. i have no memory of her being sexually abusive thank god. my father is an addict, a workaholic. i never spent the kind of time with him i wish i could have. he was always lost in his addiction. i think it was how he felt safe and competent.

years ago i read a book called "the emotional incest syndrome" by a female author and i felt that what she wrote about definitely applied to my mother and i. i am not in therapy right now and am receiving no emotional support which i know is a bad thing.

i know i need some kind of support. i am very fortunate to live in an apartment in a building my grandfather owns. for years he has only charged me what i could afford for rent. i know i am truly blessed to have my grandfathers love and help in my life.

i do not know what to write now. i have been struggling with strong feelings of anger and betrayal for some time. i must be very careful not to lose control of my anger and unleash it on those around me. i know that doing such is a huge mistake.

sometimes i feel very lonely. i have no friends. i had been a member of a men's support group nearby but a member and i had a falling out and i began to see the group in a different way. i felt like it was better for me to leave the group. i miss the support but not some of the members.

lately i have struggled with strong feelings of hopelessness. i have considered suicide a number of times in my life but i tell myself that my god has a time and a place destined for the end of my physical life and to create my own time and place would be a violation of my god's will. it would be a wrong thing to do. i also tell myself that this too will pass. to hold on for better days. this too will pass.

i have never been able to trust another enough to truly love. i have attempted to enter into relationships but every time i reached the point where the intimacy became too great and i had to run away. i felt too threatened. too unsafe. i had to run away in order to feel safe. i have done much running in my life.

well i feel a little better now that i got these things off my chest. i hope i do not wind up regretting this. even now i wonder if i am better off deleting this entire message before posting it.

no, i truly admire the sharing that other sincere men do on this discussion board. i will take a leap of faith. i will post it and hopefully everything will turn out allright. thanks for bearing with my rambling. i have recorded thought after thought. i could go on for a lot longer but i will stop now. thanks for reading this. and may our gods bless us all and help us along our journeys. sincerely,

rafael

Rafael,

It takes great courage to open up and let your inner most feelings known (especially as a survivor). You have taken a huge step toward your recovery today. You should be proud of yourself!

God Bless,

Brian

Rafael
Believe in your God, your absolutely right that your time hasn't come.
You're safe here, we're a bunch of guys who've experienced a whole pile of crap and are getting through it together, come back as often as you need.
Lloydy

Rafael,
Maybe you have found the right place ...only time will tell...it's really up to you...As for being safe..there is nothing that you should fear by coming here. The Pigs will bust anyone who screws with you!

Eddie

Good luck, I hope you find safety.

May we all find peace, love and trust.

Thank you so much for your replies and the kind words men. I really appreciate them. Honestly, I was afraid to view any replies. I thought they would be critical and I would feel worse. But, I am glad they were not. This is a tough time in my life, for sure. But, as I said before this too will pass. This is what I must remember and hold close. Thanks again. Sincerely,

rafael