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#357836 - 03/27/11 04:11 PM everything is just going downhill..HELP
lonelysassy Offline


Registered: 03/21/11
Posts: 5
Loc: VA
I have been very lonely for days, weeks, months...My therapist says to be patient with him but I am going crazy. We don't talk to eachother, when we have an arguement he flies off the handle and starts yelling at me and punching things. He works 6 days a week sometimes 7 and 13 hour days sometimes double shift. He BURIES himself into his work and our relationship has been sufferening for a long time. Right now I am in the bedroom and he is in the living room, he knows I am lonely and need his attention but he refuses to. I feel so low right now.

_________________________
Lonely Sassy

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#357844 - 03/27/11 06:25 PM Re: everything is just going downhill..HELP [Re: lonelysassy]
misscrespo Offline


Registered: 12/15/10
Posts: 45
oh!!! i feel so much for you right now, I really hope things get better between you two.

My boyfriend used to be exactly like that. Whenever he was angry, he was very angry he would bang his head against the door, punch the wall, etc. He would yell a lot too. Once, he put his fist through a window and I had to take him to hospital to get some stitches. He also worked crazy hours. at one point he was doing 90 hrs a week, and of course it damaged our relationship for a while. Back then though, he was not in therapy and he didn't know how to deal with his problems in a healthy way.

the only way it changed for us, was after a gigantic argument we had in which I'm shamed to admit we both got a bit violent with each other, we knew then it was make or break, so he got himself to the doctors the following day, started medication and therapy (i went to therapy too, as i had not been looking after myself properly). It was difficult at first too! but it has been so worth it I feel like I've got a new man in my life, it is still him, but he has gained knowledge on how to control anger and show love, attention and intimacy in a more appropriated manner.

is your partner going to therapy? it is tough on them, especially at the beginning. You can be patient with him, but you also need to let him know how you are feeling. You said you are both in the house right now, could you go for a walk together and have a chat? doesn't have to have anything to do with the relationship, just ask each other different things about your day, try to have a "date" with him, and things like that...I don't know I'm just trying to suggest things..i really hope things get better for both of you

All the best


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#357848 - 03/27/11 06:52 PM Re: everything is just going downhill..HELP [Re: misscrespo]
Lost Spark Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/04/04
Posts: 73
Loc: Chicago, IL
lonelysassy,

I send you all my love and support right now. I know exactly how you're feeling... It's a tough time and even harsher moments. Keep faith and stay strong for the both of you. And most importantly,
take care of yourself. Do not lose sight of that, whatsoever.

Lost Spark

I'm sending prayers...

_________________________
"When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down ‘happy.’ They told me I didn’t understand the assignment, and I told them they didn’t understand life." - John Lennon

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#357931 - 03/28/11 04:00 PM Re: everything is just going downhill..HELP [Re: lonelysassy]
westchesterguy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/13/09
Posts: 421
Loc: Westchester County NY
Originally Posted By: lonelysassy
I have been very lonely for days... I feel so low right now.


lonelysassy, i am making an assumption here because this is in "family and friends" thus it would mean you are "not" a survivor and "he" is, is that correct?

going on that assumption then, i do make a personal plea here to give the guy a break. what about "him" and what is "he" going through right now? if "he" can barely save himself, or if he is working on it, how can "he" save anyone else besides?

i feel bad for the situation you are in, don't get me wrong. this whole mess of childhood sexual abuse doesn't stop with the kid/adult...it can go on and on and on and affect everyone around, workers, lovers, neighbors for decades. gotta be patient, gotta give the survivor room and the freedom to sort through the challenges he faces. suffocation and needs of others will kill him, in my view.

_________________________
Jeff

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#357945 - 03/28/11 06:07 PM Re: everything is just going downhill..HELP [Re: westchesterguy]
TwoStep Offline


Registered: 01/02/11
Posts: 31
If I am off base, I hope a survivor or moderator will correct me.

Lonelysassy, I didn't know the meaning of patience until I fell in love with a man who is a csa survivor.

From what I understand, and from my own experience, control and trust are two of the biggest issues for someone, maybe especially a male, who is a csa survivor. You say "he knows I am lonely and need attention" -- you are asking him to fulfill your need. Jeff's answer made sense from what I know - he may just not be equipped to meet your needs. As a csa survivor, fulfilling someone else's "need" (I use that term loosely) -- someone who blatantly disregarded/disrespected/didn't give a damn about his needs as a child -- was what he was used for -- he was controlled. Not saying that you are, but if you try to control him by pouting or forcing an issue or not letting him have space or trying to make him "be" a certain way or whatever, he will run because you are trying to take control away from him. Work, though, is something in his life he can control.

I don't know how long you have been together, but it took quite a while pre-relationship for my bf (I am a female, btw) to trust that I really did have his best interest at heart (that I cared about him as a person) and didn't just want something from him. Let your bf discover this about you. It does not happen overnight and it takes proof. You can't just say "trust me," your actions are what he needs for this proof. IMHO.

I do feel your pain. I have been there, and I expect to be there again. I have shed many tears over lack of intimacy, loneliness, his need for space, and I have caused him to retreat when I got agitated because I had a need that wasn't being met and I pushed too hard. [There are several threads about meeting your own needs, and I think that's the hardest thing for partners of survivors to do and what I have read here doesn't always make sense to me. I have friends, I have hobbies, I have a time consuming job that I like, they don't replace fun and intimacy - emotional or physical -- with the man I love. But there are plenty of threads about that.]

Don't get down on yourself and, as hard as this is -- and it is -- don't take it personally. You will see that in other threads. It's not about you, it's about him and the effects left by the monster who was his perp. I am still learning, I have good days and bad - so does he. We have a long way to go. I hope your bf is seeing a T and I am very glad you are.

Hugs from TwoStep.


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#357961 - 03/28/11 08:57 PM Re: everything is just going downhill..HELP [Re: TwoStep]
hopeandtry Offline


Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 476
I agree with westchesterguy, but you also must remember to take care of yourself. My point being, be patient and understanding of the survivor BUT also take care of you...YOU take care of you. Don't expect him to do it if he can't right now. That may mean a lot of things (for me it meant walking away from my ex for a long time...if not forever) but you cannot force anyone to take care of you and not expect it if they are not getting help for themselves. You must define you. You must be your own savior. I totally understand the sadness and loneliness, don't get me wrong, but you have to decide to do your own thing if he is not going to be "present" for you. Spend time doing your own hobbies, with your own friends, etc. Entertain yourself, be your own best friend.


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#358885 - 04/07/11 10:12 AM Re: everything is just going downhill..HELP [Re: hopeandtry]
lonelysassy Offline


Registered: 03/21/11
Posts: 5
Loc: VA
Thank you guys so much for the suggestions/advice. I will try to see things the way you say Jeff.

I do have hobbies and other things going on in my life but like I have told him, at the end of the day I feel like we don't have a relationship and it makes me very sad.
I told him the other night that if work makes him happy then I will have to accept that. I told him maybe once things get better maybe he will make our relationship a priority. I miss him very much.
We have a wedding to go to for his family in a couple of weeks and I am dreading it. I don't feel like partying and acting like we are a happy couple when we are not. I am just lost.

_________________________
Lonely Sassy

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#358976 - 04/08/11 05:59 AM Re: everything is just going downhill..HELP [Re: lonelysassy]
Carbin Offline


Registered: 04/08/11
Posts: 1
Loc: u.s.a
From what I understand, and from my own experience, control and trust are two of the biggest issues for someone, maybe especially a male, who is a csa survivor. You say "he knows I am lonely and need attention" -- you are asking him to fulfill your need. Jeff's answer made sense from what I know - he may just not be equipped to meet your needs. As a csa survivor, fulfilling someone else's "need" (I use that term loosely) -- someone who blatantly disregarded/disrespected/didn't give a damn about his needs as a child -- was what he was used for -- he was controlled. Not saying that you are, but if you try to control him by pouting or forcing an issue or not letting him have space or trying to make him "be" a certain way or whatever, he will run because you are trying to take control away from him. Work, though, is something in his life he can control.



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#358994 - 04/08/11 10:48 AM Re: everything is just going downhill..HELP [Re: lonelysassy]
lucylives Offline


Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 357
I, too, feel your pain. I have had to reach out to other women and within myself for support. Alanon, S'anon and Cosa are where I go for support. You will find women there (and men too) who can help you. I agree with the responses from people about trying to get your needs met through someone who may not have anything to give you, at this moment in time. It is like trying to buy bread from a hardware store. You just can't get it there. Try buying your bread elsewhere, where it is available. I have been cultivating my relationships with women who are where I am and they have been my gift from God.


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