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#358875 - 04/07/11 09:05 AM Re: Imposters!! [Re: SunnyGirl]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6571
Loc: Never Sugar Mountain
I made it SO far in life by dealing with "it" in my own ways. Why would I have disclosed to anyone when my methods were working. It appeard (to me) that I assimilated into the realm of the normals. So why in God's name would I scuttle the ship?

Effective deception however led me to a fauls sence of confidence I'm guessing. I went from my strongest point in life to an absolute dam-busting crash.

None of this positioning and rationalization matters. In the Judges own words: "I want to make one thing perfectly clear, this court finds Rob "at fault" for one reason. That is his failure to disclose the abuse and resulting conditions to his spouse."

He looked at my videos and found them "disturbing." He looked at my Healing Journal that they stole from me and published and found that deeply disturbing. He ordered me into a very very lengthly (months) psychologist exam (at my $6600 expense) and chose to ignore the positive report and yielded to wife's lawyer's request to surpress the report.

They published and distributed every note and detail of my hospitalizations. They all got to read about the freak's flashbacks when he "wets himself." Parra-fucking-legals I've never met or heard of, read these copies. People I'll never even know about read these hosp reports. The dirtbag lawyer left out my entire positive section that deals with forgiving the perps. Even THAT deliberate and criminal redaction did not phase the judge one stinkin bit!

A Guardian Ad-Litem drained me of more money than I can count. He prodded my children for abuse evidense. Strong-armed me into agreeing to let her move away with my kids. The fucker told me to "get a dog." GET A DOG!!!?? G E T A F U C K I N G D O G???????????? No one on this planet loves their children more than I love mine. They were my entire life. fk this

I'm here to tell any reader. "there is no justice." there is NO equity. there is no compassion in real life when it comes to leppers...and THAT is exactly what we are in societies eyes. If you doubt me...PM me for AMPLE scanned motions and judicial decisions of my destruction and bannishment from the normal's lives.

Sorry if I'm too dramatic.



Edited by Robbie Brown (04/07/11 09:09 AM)
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#358881 - 04/07/11 09:50 AM Re: Imposters!! [Re: Still]
earlybird Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/10
Posts: 1007
Loc: WA USA
Disappointed,

I waited a bit before replying to your comments. I needed time to reason with my knee jerk defensive reaction to your words and sit with my decision not to tell my girlfriend (thirty nine years earlier) about being raped a year prior by two men. I was deeply in love with this woman and never could I have imagined that the rape would have a negative effect on our relationship. It (the rape) was over with. A onetime horrific event that Iíd put aside, as any strong man could, never to give room in my brain again it was finished! Never had I heard of or been up against such a thing how could I have known the impact that was to follow?

Should Iíve disclosed? Maybe, but then again Iíd done nothing wrong so why would I have felt obligated to ďrevealĒ? (Unlike the person running up thousands of dollars of debt)

Would it have been smarter? Absolutely, but I was nineteen, in love, never had sex, and hormones a flow. Thatís where my mind was hanging Ė not thinking thirty years out. My brain hadnít gone past the honeymoon night! If that makes me an awful and deceptive man in yours or anyone elseís book then so be it. But Iím still married to and deeply in love with that young girl I kept in the dark thirty eight years ago. (Divorce was not our only option) It took twenty years before I could let her in and that came about only after our daughter was raped it was then that my world come crashing down.

Iíve read a lot here in this forum from wives and partners of CSA or ASAís telling of their hurts and wounds caused by the ones they love and are loved by. (Not to mention the real culprit, the abusers) You have every right to be angry and frustrated. Even the decision to leave (divorce) is understandable. If I had the option of ďjust leaving the rapeĒ, which I thought I did, Iíd do it in a New York moment. But then again Iíd never abandon my daughter, even though she went through several years of anger towards me for not protection her. It shredded my core working through this issue with her. Never once could I blame her for what that predator had done to her and to her family.

Disappointed, Iím glad you felt safe enough to share your feelings and thoughts. Iím in no way trying to discount or discredit your words. Only to share mine. Sexual assault is a difficult and painful issue to work through, weighted down by misconceptions and deceptions. How can any of us victims and partners (who now themselves are victims) work through this without differing experiences and points of view. We are here to learn from each other as I have learned from you. Earlybird

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Balanced (My goal)

There is symmetry
In self-reflection
Life exemplified
Grace personified

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#358884 - 04/07/11 10:11 AM Re: Imposters!! [Re: earlybird]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6571
Loc: Never Sugar Mountain
PLEASE know, I'm not taking Dissapointed to task at all. Far from it. She is one of my closest friends here.

My inent is to clarify the realities in a real case. I know that my realities are not unique, thus I offer them in that spirit of caommon condition.

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#358898 - 04/07/11 11:27 AM Re: Imposters!! [Re: Still]
lucylives Offline


Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 364
Robbie, your post breaks my heart. I am so sorry you have had to go through the abuse as a boy and the pain of the legal system.
This is my first post here. I have been reading these posts for months as I am always looking for answers and help. I am the wife of a CSA survivor as well as a sex addict. There is a lot of talk on here about whether the CSA should have been disclosed before marriage. I think if your "coping" behaviours include sex addcition, then you owe it to your future wife. Had my husband told me about his CSA before marriage and the effects were lack of trust or intimacy issues, I would have never run. However, when coping involves sex with hookers and anonymous men, and other such re-enacting, survivors have an obligation to either disclose these behaviours or avoid marriage altogether. Now there are more victims to their CSA: the spouses!

Please know I have compassion for you and if you would like to PM me, I would be more than happy to chat with you.

Thank you for all your candid posts. Reading how you feel and what you go through has helped me with my compassion.


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#358900 - 04/07/11 11:30 AM Re: Imposters!! [Re: SunnyGirl]
Obi Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/28/09
Posts: 1372
Loc: kansas
thanks hope4him, hannah7 and sunnygirl for the support... makes me feel a little bit better and safer..

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#358906 - 04/07/11 01:20 PM Re: Imposters!! [Re: Disappointed]
freddie Offline


Registered: 03/28/11
Posts: 42
Loc: California
disappointed, i'm curious if one wanting marriage would be able to understand or even have a caring hint as to the extent of psychological trauma if told of abuse prior to marriage. With research telling us that 1 in 3 women will experience sexual assault in their lifetimes and the divorce rate being much higher should more women have told their potential husband their story before or after? That said, my loving wife of 40yrs, agrees with your position. She tells me she was pissed off early
in our marriage but GOD provides folks, keep the faith...........

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Freddie
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#358907 - 04/07/11 01:42 PM Re: Imposters!! [Re: freddie]
Disappointed Offline


Registered: 08/11/09
Posts: 540
Loc: U.S.A.
Hi Freddie,

As I think I have written on here before, I recommend a couple of books on how to date. One is on the how and WHY of courting, "Mars and Venus on a Date," by John Gray. The other is "The Rules." Taken together, these two books, especially Gray's book, discuss how difficult facts like this should be handled during courtship.

Listen, I didn't mean to be harsh, and this was thoroughly hashed out a few months ago on another thread. And obviously, if you don't even REMEMBER abuse, it would be impossible to tell someone.....

If you know it affects you, and you fail to disclose before marriage, that isn't right. If you think it doesn't affect you, and you don't disclose, that's morally acceptable to me. I have weak ankles. I don't mention that. I really don't think they'll ever render me completely incapable of walking....

D.

P.S. Yes, women fail to disclose alot of things they should. Like how many times they've actually been married, their debt, blah blah blah.

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#358920 - 04/07/11 06:44 PM Re: Imposters!! [Re: Disappointed]
hopeandtry Offline


Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 476
Yes, difficult facts should, in theory, be handled before marriage, but there are so many things at stake in a survivor's mind and heart when it comes to disclosure. We all might "know" that something affects us but not the extent, or if we do know the extent, fear can be really powerful. I'm not saying survivors get a free ticket to do whatever they want with abuse as the "excuse," but it is way too complicated to just put people in two categories - "aware" and "not aware" of the effects. Heck, a lot of people may appear to not be aware when deep down they really are...how can we always know? In any case, there are a lot of women out there who do not see running away or divorce or punishment as the most logical step after disclosure.


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#358945 - 04/07/11 11:37 PM Re: Imposters!! [Re: hopeandtry]
hannah7 Offline


Registered: 02/18/10
Posts: 30
Again, I must agree with hope4him, and that really is the issue here in my viewpoint: THERE IS HOPE FOR HIM IF the Wife or girl friend can have compassion and realize "Hey, this is who he is. I either stand besides him and help him walk through this, and forgive him his trespasses against me, or I tell him good-bye, I can't help you nor do I have the mental or emotional strength to.

Look, we are all different and react differently. Some people can't handle knowing about this stuff much less having to 'deal with it' on an everyday basis. If you can't, you can't; no shame in admitting the truth. Just don't get mad at the person who may have been putting the wrong band aids on his wounds OUT OF HIS WOUNDEDNESS, or who doesn't discover 'what his problem' was until much later in the marriage.

In a semi- perfect world I can see a girl seated next to the boy friend with her wish list so she can ask him her million questions before marriage-or even before the engagement--let's not go there unless he's a perfect TEN! lol

I do remember promising 'for better or FOR WORSE. His pain should be my pain and vice versa. I know of the depths of marital hardships. We nearly did divorce, and was the CSA a part of it? Both having endured this crap the answer is Yes But, we never knew it while we were going through these hard times.We were confused, hurting angry young people. I know my marriage is a miracle. We had every mark against us at the starting line!

But, you know, I hung in there; he's hanging in now for me. I think it's what marriage is all about. So, if he'd said to me, 'By the way, so and so did such and such to me and it can make me want to numb out any way I can..." I would say an even bigger YES, I will marry you. Maybe I'm just a natural nurturer. ???

I'm putting all this together now at the end of his storm. We had our 40th wedding anniversary this Feb. I only wished I knew then what I know now! Not to get out, but to be better equipped to understand some of his craziness and to have had more compassion for him.

Back to the justice issue:

Someone once said and I never forgot it: 'You won't see justice till Jesus comes!'That's a hellova wait! In the meantime, we see judges giving a gentle pat on the back of the hand to pedophiles, we see them back out on the street, we see more children put at risk. We see the adult rape victim victimized again by being asked to repeat their story over and over to the police or legal councilors. We see the ignorance, IGNORANCE--root word here being IGNORE--; let's just say it: those in power can afford to ignore the pain of the victim and pretend 'it' doesn't happen. They can even go a step further by victimizing the victim should he own up to his private pain. My goodness, how dare you be a CSA individual and not let the whole world know or at least warn them as to what they were in for because of it! What? You mean you didn't have all that worked out yet? Wow! 39 lashes and some large nails for him!

My heart goes out to you, Robbie, truly it does. I hear your story and it makes me so angry! If you see where I am from you have to know, the judges in this state got their degree from MacDonald's! So, we know the legal system sucks right now in our country. What to do about it???

Wait, pray and try to take a stand wherever you can. You deserve much better. You don't deserve to have your private hell published and read by 'curious onlookers!' That's a horrible invasion of your privacy! I've never heard of such a thing, but I'm not surprised at what a judge would do any more!

God bless you, Robbie. I pray this darkness lifts for you soon!

_________________________
And again and again Jesus said: It is I, I that you love, I that you enjoy, I that you serve. It is I that you long for, I that you desire, I that you mean. It is I that am enough for you. (Julian of Norwich)

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#359085 - 04/09/11 05:59 AM Re: Imposters!! [Re: Still]
poppy Offline


Registered: 07/19/10
Posts: 19
Robbie, the label is called 'LOVED'

Hugs x


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