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#3586 - 06/14/05 04:57 AM I don't know what's going on.
Lionize Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 06/07/05
Posts: 4
Loc: USA
Ever since I admitted to a doctor that something happened to me last week, I've been on that emotional roller-coaster a lot of folks talk about here. But it's really taken me to an extreme.

For awhile, especially this weekend, I was able to have a great time with my band and forget about everything else in my life. All I did was play music. But then on Sunday, I read an article in the New York Times about another musician, Bob Dylan, that brought it slowly crashing down.

The article itself was really interesting - apparently he's been touring constantly for almost twenty years... scary when you think about how old he's gotta be by now. But the last sentance went like this:

"The question, bluntly put, is what Mr. Dylan is running away from, or to.... What personal demons could compel a man to spend his late 40's, then his entire 50's and now his 60's, away from home?"

And that slowly started wheels turning in my mind. I take my band way too seriously. We're just guys playing music over the summer and having a good time, but I throw myself into the music so recklessly. I tried to write about it on the blog I set up to write in every night, but nothing really came out the way I wanted it to.

What am I running away from, I thought? But I knew the answer, and suddenly it didn't seem as safe anymore. The band felt like a job, and it's when I'm at my day job that it'll hit the hardest.

Today, someone made an offhand anti-Catholic remark while defending gay people, and I responded angrily because I felt like people like that were the reason why I don't trust any side in politics - they all have groups they hate for no good reason, and I feel like gay or straight, Catholic or not, shouldn't matter in determining the quality of character. But as I was responding, my head swam. I was angry, sure, but I'd never felt quite like that before. The pressure I get on top of my chest bone whenever I talk about this came roaring back. I had to sit down for awhile and cool off.

As the day went on, my mood kept on swinging. One minute I was writing a song about the problems I see in this Live Aid in the bathroom, the next reading obituaries of famous artists I liked who died in the past few years. I walked outside and, even though I couldn't afford it, bought new music. I almost bought a book I couldn't afford, too, but stopped myself at the last minute. I almost cried listening to one song when I got home - Johnny Cash's cover of "Spiritual."

The night before, I'd sat on a roof with old friends from high school, drinking beer and talking about music, drugs, women and life, and felt normal. Happy. Today I was a wreck again, and I feel that now that someone's flat-out revealed to me that I'm using music as a crutch to get through this, I don't feel like it's working anymore.

I'm afraid. I don't know what this thing is, this pressure on my chest - sometimes there's pressure on my left eyelid, too, sometimes my vision swims if I get angry... am I working myself to death? I went to the doctor (before I told anyone) and he gave me a clean bill of health, said my blood pressure was incredible and my heart and lungs were crystal clear... does PTSD work like this? I went through something similar with a very different situation and it never felt like this. There it was an emptiness in my chest, like someone had ripped out everything inside me. I can't tell, I don't know. I could use a hand, I guess.

I don't want to go to my doctor. I don't trust him fully although I know that's a really stupid thing. It's just a gut feeling. But he's the only one that could recommend a therapist.

And if I went to see a therapist, I would have to pay money. As it is, my spending habits are out of control - I need to shred my bank card or something so I'm not broke by next week - but if I use my insurance, my parents find out, and then they ask questions, and I have to relive this whole thing again.

I don't know. I'm in a bad place.


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#3587 - 06/14/05 06:52 AM Re: I don't know what's going on.
sophiesdad Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/30/05
Posts: 462
Loc: Florida


_________________________
There are no unresolved issues - they just didn't resolve themselves the way we would have liked. "Grinder and Bandler - Neuro-Linguistic Programming"

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#3588 - 06/14/05 09:06 PM Re: I don't know what's going on.
RICK57 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/31/03
Posts: 1611
Loc: ENGLAND
Lionize - I hope it makes you feel better to know that what you are experiencing is very common for someone when first starting to deal with abuse.

The roller coaster does begin to even out eventually - try recording your feelings from day to day & over time you will begin to realise that things are getting better.

It won't necessarily get perfect (whatever that is), but you can begin to feel in control again.

Identifying situations that make you feel uncomfortable (triggering) can help you to identify methods of dealing with those situations.

Enjoy your band, I was in one for many years. If you enjoy playing the music, that is what is important. Sometimes it is difficult to read articles and not take them to have literal meaning in our lives.

I have mood swings and triggers that set me off - sometimes I can recognise a situation for what it is and switch off, other times I cannot (mostly I can now).

Best wishes ...Rik

_________________________
*Never look down on anybody unless you're helping them up.
*I was seeking a way of expressing my anger - I found hope!
*There are many battles before the war is won! It can be won!

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