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#358589 - 04/04/11 01:20 PM The Humiliating Moment (Possible Triggers)
Lost Spark Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/04/04
Posts: 73
Loc: Chicago, IL
It's been a while...

Husband came back from his Weekend of Recovery. He says he made progress. Happy for him.

Today, though, was an especially hard day. I had an appointment with my OBGYN to get STD/HIV testing done...It was the most humiliating and painful moment of my life. And I'm used to getting blood drawn every 3 months because I am Diabetic.

As I sat there, waiting for the Dr. and my nurse to come in, I stared at the vial and needles and equipment. I started thinking about what got me here. 30 years old. Was a virgin when I met him and dated him. Saved myself, completely for one person, because I thought it was so special. He knew that. He knew who I was before. We grew up together for the past 15 years..

We were happily married for the first 2 years, he said. No acting out, nothing. Pure happiness. And then, he started. First one random off Craigslist. Who later became a regular 'buddy' for the next year. Then came the other in another neighboring town, from Craigslist, again, who he would lie about to me as, 'going on a bike ride..' To 'enjoy nature.' That one went on for months.

Then, 3 or 4 more off of 'wonderful' and CONVENIENT Craigslist, here and there. One time, he kissed me goodbye as I slept on our couch, in our home, that we both made out of our love for each other, and headed out to get a 'quickie', or to get in as much as he could before I could realize, as I once read in a journal entry he wrote on our computer. The deceit. The lies.

Then, to find out it wasn't 'just oral' but also anal and what have you... Kissing, holding, intimacy. But they weren't 'relationships' he says. The Bike Ride one, with whom he experimented, was not, 'officially.' But, he still stay married to me. Making love to me at night. Holding me. Telling me he loved me. He wanted to make a life with me. Wanted to work on 'us.' Even up till a month ago....

Then, 3 or 4 more randoms off Craigslist..

Survivor, or not, I feel and see him as a cold monster with no love. I'm tired of making excuses. Sympathizing. Accepting the incidents as just a results of the abuse at the hands of his brother. My pain and anger has finally risen. The gates have opened and I'm finally letting it out.

Even after the retreat, he stayed in San Francisco for work and met someone. Went on a date with him. He said he couldn't 'ignore it.'

EXCUSE ME?!?!?! We are STILL married!!! Just because you have chosen this new lifestyle, and yes, he did choose it now... He says that this is what he wants. But, then again, goes back and forth saying, "do you really think I want this?!? To be like this?" He doesn't wear his wedding ring anymore...

He took it off for another liasion he had with another guy off Craigslist a few weeks ago on business trip. He said, 'he didn't want to mislead the guy...' Who is this man I married?!? No respect for our marriage. No sacredness. Now he won't wear it at all.

It's like he's out the gate and running. He says that all the other members/survivors who were on the retreat told him to do what he wanted... to be him and not worry about me and my emotions?!?! I'm sorry, but this angers me, a great deal!!! So, he can lie, cheat and dishonor our marriage and me no matter what?!?!? Can you not wait until the papers are finally signed, before the party begins for you?!?!

He's destroyed in a 6 months, what I had developed in love and dedication, for him, in 15 years... The boy I fell in love with as my best friend. The man I fell in love with when we graduated college. He's not there anymore. Just a shell.

When the Doctor and Nurse came in, she asked me, what bring you here... I just sobbed and let it out. "My husband of 3 and a half years, just came out saying he's gay. And he's been having unprotected sex with many different men...." I sobbed and cried like a child to these strangers. I could see how bad they felt for me.. They offered sympathy and counseling. I told them I have my own therapist.

The needle hurt more than anything, because I DID NOT have to be here. I wasn't supposed to!!!! I've supported. I've loved. Accepted. Loved. Endured. Understood when he stopped making love to me so frequently 6 months ago... He said he felt we needed to rebuild our intimacy... No, that wasn't it. He was satisfying himself in the arms of another man. 3 or 4 of them...

I apologize for this post, but I am so angry... I no longer feel love right now. Just anger.

Lost Spark

_________________________
"When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down ‘happy.’ They told me I didn’t understand the assignment, and I told them they didn’t understand life." - John Lennon

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#358591 - 04/04/11 02:08 PM Re: The Humiliating Moment (Possible Triggers) [Re: Lost Spark]
Fissy Tsickens Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/23/08
Posts: 466
Loc: Bassett, Virginia
I'm so sorry you are going through this.

Peace,

John

_________________________
Wish that I could cry
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
About a home I’ll never see

It may sound absurd...but don’t be naive
Even heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed...but won’t you concede
Even heroes have the right to dream
It’s not easy to be me

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#358592 - 04/04/11 02:09 PM Re: The Humiliating Moment (Possible Triggers) [Re: Lost Spark]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6573
Loc: Never Sugar Mountain
Originally Posted By: Lost Spark
He says that all the other members/survivors who were on the retreat told him to do what he wanted... to be him and not worry about me and my emotions?!?! I'm sorry, but this angers me, a great deal!!! So, he can lie, cheat and dishonor our marriage and me no matter what?!?!? Can you not wait until the papers are finally signed, before the party begins for you?!?!


Regarding the above quote, let me say, as a 'member' that I would NEVER say that to him and I would never approve of such cruelty. I would be nuclear-war, weapons-grade, pissed-off the scales if I were you. I'm sorry, there's no excuse. Compelled or not, decisions were still made. This post cuts me like a knife.

As for anyone approving this behavior: What were you thinking? Do you have NO sence of honor and awareness of betrayal-based pain? Shit people...we here all know what this type of pain is. Anyone bouncing around confirming even one myth about us ought to be/feel disgraced. Shit! One more victim is now added to the heap!...and such attitudes of "do what you need and want" is complete farcical bull-shit. Have some fkg regard for others! Surviving CSA is NO excuse...its only an explaination. Being a survivor does not place a "fk-around" license in your wallet!

If such attitudes and methods are present at the WORs, I need never attend!

EDIT:

And one more thing before I'm thrown off the stage. Such theories of entitled behavior is what got many of us in the shit we're in now! "Its only sex." "This won't hurt him." "I have my needs." "I'm gonna TAKE what I want and need." "What the hell...he enjoys it anway..."

Self-centered, self enthrawled people make me want to puke!!! Sorry if I offend...this vicioous mode of mine is the result of CSA.




Edited by Robbie Brown (04/04/11 02:56 PM)
_________________________
You are using 118 of the 300 allowed characters.

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#358593 - 04/04/11 02:48 PM Re: The Humiliating Moment (Possible Triggers) [Re: Still]
ACRoberts Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/07/10
Posts: 242
Loc: New Jersey (recently moved fro...
Removed post



Edited by ACRoberts (04/04/11 02:52 PM)
Edit Reason: decided to not post
_________________________
Allan
________________________
WOR Sequoia 2011--it has changed my life!

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#358594 - 04/04/11 02:54 PM Re: The Humiliating Moment (Possible Triggers) [Re: ACRoberts]
Neverquit Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/26/10
Posts: 147
Loc: Ohio
Robbie Brown summed up my feelings. I would think someone who knows what betrayal is would have a little more compassion. He is really being unfair to you.

_________________________
There is always hope

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#358595 - 04/04/11 02:57 PM Re: The Humiliating Moment (Possible Triggers) [Re: ACRoberts]
Lost Spark Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/04/04
Posts: 73
Loc: Chicago, IL
Robbie,

I really hope that wasn't the intent of what others said... I have so much respect for Survivors and love. I really hope that what was said or however it was interpreted, it was from him and not from others... I'm still reeling and just besides myself.

And, I wonder if he has been telling ALL the truth to others, as well... The fact that he was cheating so much and lieing so much... I don't know. I can only love, support and be a good person/wife for so long. I have been. I've researched, looked for help, for him, for us, for myself. I've contacted groups. I've been his shoulder at all moments. But, I think I have been pushed away for the final and last time.

I'm obviously not wanted and appreciated. No matter what the sexuality.

I laugh at the ridculousness of myself, as I still sit here in our home, taking care of him, as he has been ill the last few days from back problems. I've been cooking, cleaning, tending to him and trying to make sure he's okay, before I finally leave soon... I must be an idiot. Maybe I'm hoping to see some flicker of him appreciating/loving me before it's all over. So I don't go away with such a bad taste of our final moments. Not such bad memories.. Were these 15 years all just a waste?

No respect for the ring. The marriage, nothing...

I feel like such a used piece of trash. Like something someone hung onto until they were ready to stand up and find something better...

Lost Spark



Edited by Lost Spark (04/04/11 03:12 PM)
_________________________
"When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down ‘happy.’ They told me I didn’t understand the assignment, and I told them they didn’t understand life." - John Lennon

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#358598 - 04/04/11 03:51 PM Re: The Humiliating Moment (Possible Triggers) [Re: Lost Spark]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6573
Loc: Never Sugar Mountain
One of the things I seek most in my life is from the people whom I love to let me off-the-hook for my victim status as a child and how I chose to survive. I know its all backwards and screwed-up (fault-wise), but I need to know I'm not judged poorly, harshly, wrongly for wrapping my wounds and drudging-on. I had to hide my scars to attempt the eventually failed trek in real-life.

As a survivor, I feel like I'm in a position to let YOU off the hook. You need not justify anything any more regarding this subject. You've done all you can. You've done well - very well.

Quote:

And, I wonder if he has been telling ALL the truth to others, as well... The fact that he was cheating so much and lieing so much... I don't know. I can only love, support and be a good person/wife for so long. I have been. I've researched, looked for help, for him, for us, for myself. I've contacted groups. I've been his shoulder at all moments. But, I think I have been pushed away for the final and last time.

I'm obviously not wanted and appreciated. No matter what the sexuality.

I laugh at the ridculousness of myself, as I still sit here in our home, taking care of him, as he has been ill the last few days from back problems. I've been cooking, cleaning, tending to him and trying to make sure he's okay, before I finally leave soon... I must be an idiot. Maybe I'm hoping to see some flicker of him appreciating/loving me before it's all over. So I don't go away with such a bad taste of our final moments. Not such bad memories.. Were these 15 years all just a waste?

No respect for the ring. The marriage, nothing...

I feel like such a used piece of trash. Like something someone hung onto until they were ready to stand up and find something better...


...and "I'm sorry" to the person who said these very words to ME.



Edited by Robbie Brown (04/04/11 03:52 PM)
_________________________
You are using 118 of the 300 allowed characters.

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#358599 - 04/04/11 04:37 PM Re: The Humiliating Moment (Possible Triggers) [Re: Still]
RecoveryReady1 Offline


Registered: 12/05/10
Posts: 433
"As a survivor, I feel like I'm in a position to let YOU off the hook. You need not justify anything any more regarding this subject. You've done all you can. You've done well - very well."

These sound like the perfect words to say to your inner child....and to withhold them from him....while waiting for someone else to approve seems a tragedy.


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#358608 - 04/04/11 06:44 PM Re: The Humiliating Moment (Possible Triggers) [Re: RecoveryReady1]
Lost Spark Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/04/04
Posts: 73
Loc: Chicago, IL
Well...

Husband read this and I can't say nice comments were made.

This is my last contribution I will ever make on here.

I don't know what I ever DID to him, but he wants me gone from his life... So, I am leaving. God bless him and I hope he does finally make a recovery. I'm done being 'abused' myself, as my Therapist has said. I've done all i can and I know when I'm not wanted.. Now I do... 15 years wasted of being here for someone.

Good luck everyone and take of yourselves.

Lost Spark

_________________________
"When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down ‘happy.’ They told me I didn’t understand the assignment, and I told them they didn’t understand life." - John Lennon

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#358610 - 04/04/11 07:13 PM Re: The Humiliating Moment (Possible Triggers) [Re: Lost Spark]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6573
Loc: Never Sugar Mountain
Good Lord. I hate all of this. What a mess. I hope I did not trigger any new pain for you.

_________________________
You are using 118 of the 300 allowed characters.

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#358631 - 04/04/11 09:31 PM Re: The Humiliating Moment (Possible Triggers) [Re: Still]
hopeandtry Offline


Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 476
Oh, Lost Spark. I feel for you. What terrible pain. I don't know what else to say. If you want to PM me and don't want to post on here, please feel free.

@Robbie, I hate it too, but you are going through recovery and you are empathetic to the needs of supporters...that is a huge deal and shows what a good heart you have.


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#359139 - 04/09/11 03:59 PM Re: The Humiliating Moment (Possible Triggers) [Re: Still]
Lost Spark Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/04/04
Posts: 73
Loc: Chicago, IL
Robbie,

You said nothing wrong... Unfortunately, no one will ever know the true pain, unless they're here, living in the same home, experiencing the constant arguments, trust issues, discoveries of the infidelities and what not. Not even a weekend of time together, will ever let people know EVERYTHING about someone... I'm sorry. I know it was the most profound moment for my husband, but it's true. And I know he understands that.

I'm loving. I'm supportive. I'm amazing. Damn it, I AM F*CKING amazing. I married a Survivor and stood by through EVERYTHING. Even the lies, infidelities and deception. How many women do that? Unfortunately, things are done. He's out. I'm out.

All I can hope for is good things for him. Hopefully someday I can truly forgive instead of holding back everything I do these days... I still hold his hand. We still kiss each other goodnight. We still say, 'I love you...'

But, a little piece of the 'good' me has died, along with our marriage... I know someday, another man will be out there and appreciate and love me, fully as I deserve... My husband has been saying that to me all week. For the first time, I know it wasn't me. I did nothing wrong. Absolutely nothing wrong. And that I deserve more out of life...

I leave him in God's hands...

Lost Spark

P.S.- I resent that someone on here says that I have some serious issues.. To them I say, you don't know anything about me and our problems.... I'm sorry.

_________________________
"When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down ‘happy.’ They told me I didn’t understand the assignment, and I told them they didn’t understand life." - John Lennon

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