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#358185 - 03/31/11 11:19 AM Confronting ignorance
Overcomer Offline


Registered: 11/12/10
Posts: 41
Loc: Sumter, SC
I got a message today from someone asking why I defriended her on Facebook. I've never confronted her about it, but I know that she has called me a child molester behind my back, telling someone that they needed to keep me away from their kids. This was over a year ago.
The question I have is this: should I even bother addressing her ignorance? Should I tell her how it felt to be called a monster behind my back while pretending to care and be my friend to my face? I feel like my anger about the situation needs to be dealt with. But I'm not sure if it is going to resolve anything for me to speak my mind about the issue. Has anyone ever dealt with this or anything like it? Any helpful guidance?


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#358299 - 04/01/11 11:34 AM Re: Confronting ignorance [Re: Overcomer]
freddie Offline


Registered: 03/28/11
Posts: 42
Loc: California
Absolutely tell her the truth of your feelings. She asked you why you unfriended her, so tell her. I would keep it short, to the point and without anger. Done, over, adios, kiss my ass type thoughts come to mind....................

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#358302 - 04/01/11 11:48 AM Re: Confronting ignorance [Re: freddie]
Castle Offline


Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 733
Loc: NJ
I can fight, but you have to ask yourself if there is something you can get out of it..or it will just make you angrier, and feed into it..I know its hard to walk away.

Instead..maybe you can consider sending her a link to the myths of abuse...and without confrontation just say you were hurt by her words..and if she wanted to learn about CSA/SA issues you can point her in the right direction to get true and accurate facts....Instead of her perpetuating horrible myths that only hel to keep abuse hidden.

Better to unfriend than post on her wall her ignorance which would be on my list if my info was out there.

Think it through ...bounce more ideas out here if you want...there is a lot of strategy to this stuff.

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My posts can self destruct at any time..read them while you can.

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#358303 - 04/01/11 11:53 AM Re: Confronting ignorance [Re: freddie]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6571
Loc: Never Sugar Mountain
Good Lord...I know what this is like cuz I'm still there. I've been defamed just like you for a few years. The little New Hampshire town I loved had turned its back on me in unison.

You wonder how to deal with it? I deal with it by not accepting false accusations of this grave magnatude with a nuclear launch at the source. Its strange how little that degree of rage gets you. It actually gets me nothing constructive, but I can't leave it unchallenged. Such an accusation or rumor can kill (literally).

There's an old Jewish story of a man who told a false-hood about another man. It spread, as rumors do. The rumor-starter went to the subject man and asked for foregivness and further asked what he could do for him to make things right...he offered to set things straight among the people. The afflicted man said "take a bag of feathers to a mountain-top and release them into the wind. Then you will know what you have done...and what you cannot make right.

It is with this knowledge that rumors causes me a ton of pain and rage. I have no idea how anyone can undo what has been said about you, but I would never leave it un-addressed with those who heard her.

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#358312 - 04/01/11 02:31 PM Re: Confronting ignorance [Re: Still]
Overcomer Offline


Registered: 11/12/10
Posts: 41
Loc: Sumter, SC
Thanks, guys. I've been mulling over this for a couple of days now and seriously have not known what to do. My first reaction was to send her a lengthy message telling her exactly how I felt and just "letting her have it" but I'm not sure that will get me anywhere. In fact, an aggressive response, I fear, would only reinforce her belief. I'm liking the idea of keeping it short and objective. Maybe see if she even cares how I feel so that I don't waste my breath (or keyboard, more likely).
Robbie, I've followed your story a bit on the boards, and I'm sorry that you've had to go through all that. Thanks for your advice in this. I'm definitely striving not to go nuclear, though this has been brooding for over a year inside of me. I'm a non-confrontationalist, so I don't deal with anything unless I'm about to have a meltdown. I need to keep a level head in light of everything.
Thanks for the advice, and if anyone has anything else to add, please share!


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#358319 - 04/01/11 04:10 PM Re: Confronting ignorance [Re: Overcomer]
RecoveryReady1 Offline


Registered: 12/05/10
Posts: 433
Why not give her the opportunity to squirm and eat her words....ask her what she meant.......let her be the one who has to explain herself....two faced people are often gutless too...At the very least you can open dialogue and practise not running away.....You have many options.....not the least of which is what Freddie said.....adios, kiss my ass...etc....you can use that one anytime you like....
All the best
Steve


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#358496 - 04/03/11 09:58 AM Re: Confronting ignorance [Re: RecoveryReady1]
risingagain Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/10
Posts: 597
Loc: Vancouver, BC, Canada
this is close to home for me too

in kalahari desert bushmen society, when one member of the tribe falls ill, they view it as a sickness of the whole tribe.

i view childhood sexual abuse in the same light.
there is no reason to believe that a conscious, awake survivor will be a danger to children. actually, i feel that survivors who are doing their work are the most likely to understand and protect children.

those that hide in myths and 'pretend perfect' neighbourhoods and families pose a real danger. alligators lie waiting in tall grass, obscured by public ignorance.


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#358514 - 04/03/11 02:30 PM Re: Confronting ignorance [Re: risingagain]
Overcomer Offline


Registered: 11/12/10
Posts: 41
Loc: Sumter, SC
@risingagain - Thanks for the note. I agree, pretending we live in a perfect little bubble accomplishes nothing and protects no one. As far as I know, I'm the only voice in my community trying to do something about abuse. Nobody else talks about it or seems to think it could happen.
I like the tribe-analogy - that's powerful! Imagine if communities would band together to end abuse. That would bring about some huge change.


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#358518 - 04/03/11 03:39 PM Re: Confronting ignorance [Re: Overcomer]
Overcomer Offline


Registered: 11/12/10
Posts: 41
Loc: Sumter, SC
Well, I did it. It was kind of tough as I hate confrontation and stuff, but it feels good to actually be able to express myself.
I said in no uncertain terms that I would not listen to her if she denied it and that I could not call her a friend if this was her opinion of me. I also let her know that i will not put up with slander.
Thanks again for your input and stuff - I'll let you know what comes of it.


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#358531 - 04/03/11 06:36 PM Re: Confronting ignorance [Re: risingagain]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6571
Loc: Never Sugar Mountain
Originally Posted By: risingagain
this is close to home for me too

in kalahari desert bushmen society, when one member of the tribe falls ill, they view it as a sickness of the whole tribe.

i view childhood sexual abuse in the same light.
there is no reason to believe that a conscious, awake survivor will be a danger to children. actually, i feel that survivors who are doing their work are the most likely to understand and protect children.

those that hide in myths and 'pretend perfect' neighbourhoods and families pose a real danger. alligators lie waiting in tall grass, obscured by public ignorance.


Wow! Did you attend the Rob Brown School of Society and Justice?

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