I must say, I think you are looking at the wrong 3-letter word. I think "let" has no place in your desriptions and conclusions about the crime.

Does a bank manager LET the robbers take money and kill people? No. The guy(s) with the calculated higher-power MAKE it happen. No one recounting a bank robbery asks themselves why they LET it happen. Peel off that word from your back. Don't allow LET stick to you any more. You did not LET anything happen. Its not possible.

(not intending to get in your face if that's how it seems)

I would agree with you one hundred percent on that except that I did let it happen. 20 years old? Come on, I was capable of taking care of myself, I knew right from wrong, I knew how to say no, I probably could have gotten away had I tried, but I did nothing. I LET it happen.

Thanks,
Jay

Jay,

Freezing up is not allowing the assault or violence. It happens to some of us and it is not giving permission for another to harm us. Not in any way, shape or form. I hope you look at this again and again and do so without the condemnation that is easy for a survivor to heap on his own self.


Daryl

I'll tell you what some very wise men told me last night YOU DID'T LET IT HAPPEN.

I was abused from 15-17 by older men. I've been groomed, I've been stalked, I've prostituted myself, and I've even given a priest oral sex. When I told a friend of mine what had happened with the priest. She asked why didn't I stop him? I was 17. I was old enough to protect myself. I told her because I was afraid.

I think I understand what you went through. The horror of the abuse had you frozen with fear and your abuser used that fear against you but my friend it wasn't your fault. You didn't let it happen. You have no one to blame but the one who abused you.

Peace, Rusty

The truth of the matter is that I am stuck on thinking that I let it happen and making it my fault because if I let that go and decide to put all of the blame on him rather than me, well I guess all of that blame, shame and anger goes nowhere.

I mean the bottom line is if I blame myself, I can punish myself in a variety of ways. If I blame him.... what do I do about it? I can sit and stew all day long blaming him and hating him and no matter how bad I feel about it, it doesn't faze him in the least. It's like having a bucket of nails and no hammer.

No matter who I blame for what, it's still my anger that I'm left to deal with.

At some point I suppose I'll confront him but that day seems far in the future, maybe then I can properly put the blame on him. I simply don't know what all of this is going to bring in the future. As fearful as I am, I do know that I cannot continue to be stuck where I am.

And what about choices? I cannot count the number of times he had given me viable options and yet I continued to make the wrong choices, the ones that satisfied him and got me hurt. Is that his fault as well?

If I'm consciously making a decision about something, am I not responsible for the consequences of my decision?

This is truly frustrating! But as always I'm grateful for the support.

Thanks!
Jason

Taking responsibility for the things that happen in one's life is a sign of growth and maturity, that you have this quality is admirable as it's also an example of your integrity and strength. I've a feeling that in time this is going to get sorted out in your mind, that you'll find the way that it best works for you, that it will be resolved. It isn't necessary that it's today or tomorrow or next week or next year, everything in it's own time. This will have it's own season too.

Jason, it's great that you've begun your healing journey and that you're committed to making better choices for yourself now and in the future, they will serve you well, you deserve much credit for your work so far. You don't have to resolve every issue and problem right away, what was done didn't happen over night and it can't be undone that quickly either, but I'm sure that you're going to get there!

Gary

Be gentle with yourself.

Knowledge gives me choices-you are gaining knowledge in all this.

Many of my ideas, behavior, and attitudes were forged in an abusive family or from trauma-recognizing this has empowered me to accept these things from the past that I cannot change,'and given me tools and perspective to live a different life today.

The blame, shame, and twistedness belongs to those who hurt and took advantage of me for their own ends. At times I've had to angrily place this crap back a t the source-yet I fully accept the many things I did after to find relief in unhelpful ways- transforming from where welcome from to who we were meant to be is the work of recovery-

I look forward to hearing about your work, blue jay!

I've really been round and round with the whole issue of blaming self vrs blaming the perp. If I blame myself, I feel like a turd and if I blame the perp I feel like a victim.

For myself, I'm starting to adopt the idea of just accepting that there is no blame or revenge or justice or anything that can undo what has been done. Only recovery can really make anything better for me.

Wonderfully said, Jaifian!

Gary

You are correct Jaifian, no amount of anger or wanting revenge will change what happened and yes, I am convinced that recovery is a solution better than my alternative solutions to this. However, and it is possible that I am being too stubborn about this, the fact remains that I was able to protect myself, and I didn't. It's much easier to hold myself responsible. If I decide to hold him responsible that means action is necessary. Am I scared shitless to take action? Hell yes. I hope to get to the point someday where I can simply put all blame on him and focus on my recovery, for now that seems like false hope to me, but it's hope just the same.

Thank you for all of the replies on this and thanks for the support.

Jason