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#357429 - 03/23/11 10:14 AM Is this normal too??
aloved1 Offline


Registered: 02/22/11
Posts: 65
Loc: Texas
Hello my MS community.

So, ladies (and survivors, if you so care to chime in...it's always appreciated!), I was just wondering if you experience this as well. I know we cover all the things experienced when they are triggered, and it's been a tremendous help to see I'm not alone in that!! But what about in between triggers? For instance, these past few weeks have been GREAT! For as long as I've been with my bf, there have been baby steps, and more progress has been made these last few weeks. It's weird but one way to describe it is as if we are newly dating all over again. Not only did he tell me I'm an amazing woman and that we will get through this, but we've also gone on "dates" again. Things have even picked up in the bedroom and it has been great on both ends (I don't think he's lying about it!) And while all this gives me so much hope and has been so wonderful, there's that fear in the pit of my stomach. The fear of hitting that wall again. Fear of the rug being pulled from underneath me. Do you all feel this way too? It is something I want to get past, and just take the bad with the good and just pray that the progress continues!! I was just wondering if any of you felt this way too. Thanks for any input!


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#357434 - 03/23/11 11:15 AM Re: Is this normal too?? [Re: aloved1]
worldscentre Offline


Registered: 02/09/11
Posts: 36
Loc: Ireland
Hi aloved1,

I havent yet got back to that point with my bf or ex bf (whatever we are!) but it is something that runs through my head. During our talks and while he explained the things he needs and the fears he has about life and our relationship I told him about mine, and I dont think it ever occured to him. I said that I worry if we get back together will this kick off again at sometime in the future, and not to be cruel, but do I want to be with him knowing his issues as a result of his past? So I think its ok to feel the way you do, we need to acknowledge our fears as much as our partners do. You have been hurt and frightened and its only human nature to try to protect yourself.
If possible talk about it, I dont mean constantly look for reassurance from him as that is draining and adds pressure, but just explain. As he shared his fears with you, you can share yours with him. And although constant reassurance is not a good thing, a little goes a long way!
Hope this helps and I'm happy that things are moving in a great direction.


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#357435 - 03/23/11 11:25 AM Re: Is this normal too?? [Re: worldscentre]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6596
Loc: Never Sugar Mountain
AL1,

There are two people who can revert to old ways. He's making progress along with your support. I'll keep this short:

Is your support conditional?

My ex-wife was ultra-supportive until one particular day when she fully gave-up. My progress stopped dead. Further trauma was done. I believe her support was conditional...conditional that once we found smooth-sailing, any future rough waters would not be acceptable.

_________________________
Objects In Mirror are Less Than They Appear.

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#357437 - 03/23/11 11:46 AM Re: Is this normal too?? [Re: Still]
aloved1 Offline


Registered: 02/22/11
Posts: 65
Loc: Texas
worldcentre, thank you for your response. You are right, it's not healthy to to constantly look for reassurance, but when a little does come, it certainly goes a long way. We do talk, and I hope the communication lines will always stay open.

Robbie Brown, I assure you my support and love is unconditional. We are 4 years into this and any time the smooth sailing came, we both knew that stumbles were possible. I am ok with stumbles, I just do not want him to be so hard on himself when it does happen. I love him and I am here for him and always will be. I will NOT give up as long as he does not give up!


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#357440 - 03/23/11 11:58 AM Re: Is this normal too?? [Re: aloved1]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6596
Loc: Never Sugar Mountain
Originally Posted By: aloved1
I will NOT give up as long as he does not give up!


Where do you people come from? Certainly not any of my paths.

I am wowed by this current class of F&F members.

_________________________
Objects In Mirror are Less Than They Appear.

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#357444 - 03/23/11 12:41 PM Re: Is this normal too?? [Re: Still]
SoniaDx Offline


Registered: 02/18/11
Posts: 21
Hi Aloved,

I too feel that worry that we will hit another wall. But what I've noticed is my husband's acting out/being triggered is no less often and we have more peaks and less valleys. It's always nagging me that we are going to hit a rough spot again... But now I'm more prepared for it. As hard as it is for me, I try to live in the moment and not dwell on the past or in the future. But you aren't alone in wondering if something is going to go wrong. I was thinking to myself the other day that things were going almost "too" good. But I have to just let things be.


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#357454 - 03/23/11 02:39 PM Re: Is this normal too?? [Re: SoniaDx]
aloved1 Offline


Registered: 02/22/11
Posts: 65
Loc: Texas
Robby Brown, I hate that your ex ended things that way. While it is not selfish to take care of ourselves as well in this process, it is extremely selfish to take on this journey with conditional support. And then to find future setbacks unacceptable frown As you can see, there are many who are willing to understand. Keep faith in this!

Sonia, well said! My bf's are less often as well. He had gone a good while before this last one in February. However, it was a difficult setback but it's always rewarding to see him dust himself off and try again. But you are absolutely right about living in the moment! I have difficulty with this sometimes but I am trying! And praying! Thank you for your insight.


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#357497 - 03/23/11 07:58 PM Re: Is this normal too?? [Re: aloved1]
sally123 Offline


Registered: 11/29/10
Posts: 54
Aloved, this is a good question, and I'm happy for you that things are so good right now! I'm not sure if this answers your question, but today my therapist said that no matter what he is doing I have to be ok, and give whatever I am seeking from him to myself..Ex: if he is distant,then go off with friends/self have fun without him.

She said his actions emotions should not have affect on me... Rationally i get it, but it just sounds kind of cold and distant to me... I'm going to have to process and figure out...

Living in the moment (what is that?? smile ) is probably the absolutely best way to be with him. Please let me know when you figure out how to do this smile


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#357574 - 03/24/11 03:08 PM Re: Is this normal too?? [Re: sally123]
aloved1 Offline


Registered: 02/22/11
Posts: 65
Loc: Texas
Thank you for that, Sally! It makes sense, it just seems that what we have to do on our part is easier said than done sometimes and that my rationality wants to go out the door when his does.

I think conscious effort is key. Gotta stay focused!!! Hugs!!!


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#357591 - 03/24/11 06:29 PM Re: Is this normal too?? [Re: aloved1]
hopeandtry Offline


Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 476
@Robbie Brown,

I pray that you find another woman one day who loves you the way you deserve to be loved. No wait, I hope another woman finds YOU. :-)

There are people out there who will not give up so long as the survivor does not. Unfortunately, some of us aren't so lucky (on either end). It's sad when the survivor wants to keep fighting but the "supporter" gives up and it's sad when the supporter would bend over backwards but the survivor gives up (or never starts recovery at all). Sigh. Such is life. But hang in there, Robbie. Just know that I, for one, believe in you and all the other men here. You all give me hope when I know that my own journey with a survivor is (probably) over.


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