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#357246 - 03/21/11 07:56 PM Fantasies about every female he sees
lovehimsomuch1 Offline


Registered: 03/21/11
Posts: 2
My spouse of 15+ years wanted to move out to find himself, then admitted he has been having an affair with a female and then told me he was abused by an older male child, when he was five and for over 3 years. He won't let the affair go which hasn't involved very many physical contact times but has mostly been an emotional one. He has no plans for a future with here. After all these years of him being such a great husband, the affair and pulling away was a shock. He says he needs to find out who he is...that he can't be 'good' because it is fake and that he is 'bad'. He started seeing a therapist, I moved out because he said he might go be with her anytime...He describes constant fear of me, our kids, his co-workers...fear of everything since he can remember. He sweeps stuff under the rug and pretentds to be happy, until a few months ago. That stopped working. He misses me and is severely depressed but won't stop the EA affair with her. He just told me he is plagued by the inability to see women any other way than sexual. He has hidden and restrained himself all these years. He thinks he is sick because of this problem which he said he has to get under control. He wants us back together, wants to be in a monogamous marriage with me but seems unable to commit. Ideas?


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#357248 - 03/21/11 08:09 PM Re: Fantasies about every female he sees [Re: lovehimsomuch1]
WriterKeith Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/10
Posts: 836
Loc: southern California
LHSMh1,

First, take heart in knowing that you are in a safe place to reach out here on MS. What an upsetting situation for you. Just remember that this season will pass. It doesn't have to be a lifelong nightmare.

Since there is no advice that applies to all people and every situation, I encourage you to seek input from professionals, and not just one or two.

Even the best of professionals is only human. Seek input to learn of all your options. In being proactive and taking care of yourself, the rest of your concerns (like taking care of your kids) will land into place.

You can support and stand by your husband, but ultimately, he will make the decision and take the actions HE wants for his life. The hard lesson we all learn in many ways is, we can't control someone else.

Keep in touch with us here.

_________________________
Keith
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JfvAPZGjds

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#357249 - 03/21/11 08:13 PM Re: Fantasies about every female he sees [Re: lovehimsomuch1]
lovehimsomuch1 Offline


Registered: 03/21/11
Posts: 2
P.S. ...And he is tormented by the memories. He never did confront the guy that did it to him for so long and when he sees him acts like everything is happy. He's been a major caretaker, high achiever and jokester in order to hide everything...Does all this sound 'normal' for what he has been through? People tell me I am a fool to wait on him but I love him and I see all the good in him. I can't believe, even though he cheated and lied to me this last year, that he is not still a wonderful man who has just been through so much. Encouragement and reassurance for me if you can?


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#357253 - 03/21/11 08:29 PM Re: Fantasies about every female he sees [Re: lovehimsomuch1]
hopeandtry Offline


Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 476
So sorry to hear this. You will find lots of great support here on MS. The men (and women) on here really have changed my life! It's still hard but all the support helps.


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#357293 - 03/22/11 05:22 AM Re: Fantasies about every female he sees [Re: hopeandtry]
SamV Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5935
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Loves,

It is difficult when a sufferer of sexual abuse discovers the abuse as being detrimental and no longer can hide the effects by acting out or coping mechanisms.

It is more difficult for the supporter to navigate the thoughts, traits and behavior of the abused. There is no common ground, the abused can be traumatized, hyper sexual and plethora of other symptomatology that is difficult to comprehend much less adapt to in daily life.

That he sees his abuser and has not yet confronted him is reinforcing the abuse. The fact a criminal act was perpetrated against him without the abuser getting caught makes what happened to him not wrong, or worse, his fault. Confrontation is NOT always the first step.

His acting out in seeking other relationships could be a response to feelings of rejection, abandonment and destruction from being abused and then rejected by his abuser.

His confusion and terror may be the result of a damaged and fragmented personality that its separate parts, opinions and beliefs, are vying for control of the one man. Parts of him he could have "numbed" in order to protect himself during the abuse and afterwards. These can now be demanding attention, and they are primal, existing in the moments of and affected by the abuse.

As his supporter, you may need counseling specific to supporting his abuse. Male Sexual Abuse has commonalities with abuse but has its own intricateness. Understanding what he is doing can help to reassure you that you are an innocent victim of the abuse he suffered, the perpetrator has hurt you and your family as well as him. Our own Ken Singer has the book "Evicting the Perpetrator", a well written overview of the causes and therapies of male sexual abuse. There is another abuse recovery work entitled, "Working with Adult Incest Survivors, the Healing Journey" that looks at sexual abuse as a female victim and from a therapist's viewpoint. These works are in my personal resources and I have come to find them invaluable.

As his supporter, KNOW you are innocent. What he is doing in the present is not where may be thinking about. Likely, he is acting on the emotions of the abuse, and his intellect is being fed negative thoughts and feelings, leading to this unproductive behavior. Your desire to continue to support him is admirable, super human even.

Remember though, as a support, you are not a therapist. Offer encouragement to recover, and set appropriate boundaries, he needs these to see what he is doing is beneficial for him. Be rigid in these boundaries, Loves, but consistently supportive.
In order to reach out to another in support, to accept a part of their burden, we all must be mindful of ourselves. It is important to make sure we are present and aware of our thoughts and feelings, that we take time to self care. Give ourselves time to recuperate, refresh and reinvigorate. We are taking on a delicate role, and it needs to be consistent.
As hope4him stated, there is support within MS for the supporters, please continue to reach out to them with posts and replies in the forums.

You are here Loves for a fellow sufferer of male sexual abuse, and that makes you special, you are a wonderful person. Please see yourself in this way, as you work to support him and fight for your lives together.

Peace,
Sam

_________________________
My SENSITIVE Difference

"Lets talk about that."

Go Get A Hug: HUG>porn

*When provoked* "Anyone holding back his sayings is possessed of knowledge. (Proverbs 17:27)"

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#357346 - 03/22/11 01:40 PM Re: Fantasies about every female he sees [Re: SamV]
hopeandtry Offline


Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 476
Sam,

Thanks so much for the post. What I don't understand is if we are HERE, we are supportive, we want to talk if they need someone, then why do they still seek out someone else out of feelings of rejection (or fear of rejection) when we haven't rejected them?

-Hope


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#357350 - 03/22/11 02:52 PM Re: Fantasies about every female he sees [Re: hopeandtry]
SamV Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5935
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Hope, it is frustrating when attempting to support a loved one who cannot see you as the relief you offer.

The issue is multifaceted. The abuse victim has been hurt by a parental(authority) figure directly, or through tacit approval, has not been protected. If the abuse was at any time in a victim's life, not disclosing to authority and hiding, or worse, disclosing and not being believed alters the rational of the victim. This dynamic changes the perspective of the victim from feeling safe around family, mother father, brothers and sisters, spouses and mates. They become apart of the paranoia of unprocessed traumatic emotions until the victim survives the abuse into recovery, then he is able to separate the past, the present and the future as well as those who hurt him, those who allowed it, and the innocent collateral victims that he has entered relationships with, like a spouse.

Paranoia, rejection and abandonment, and destruction are perceived in every relationship, because in some way, every relationship has allowed the victim to be abused. That may be the reason why it is difficult to get close to and support a victim who is in a relationship.

In MaleSurvivor, you will see de>
_________________________
My SENSITIVE Difference

"Lets talk about that."

Go Get A Hug: HUG>porn

*When provoked* "Anyone holding back his sayings is possessed of knowledge. (Proverbs 17:27)"

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#357361 - 03/22/11 05:31 PM Re: Fantasies about every female he sees [Re: SamV]
hopeandtry Offline


Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 476
Thanks, Sam. It helps I think. It is hard to understand how a survivor thinks someone else will be a comfort when the person who has been trying to comfort him all along is not enough. It's not so much that I don't get their feeling of possibly being rejected, but rather why they think it will be better with a stranger? Perhaps it's just that thought of "It will magically get better with a new person, a clean slate." It makes sense at the same time, though, because it is the "easy" answer...a band-aid, temporary soothing, extra attention when the person feels so low. I try to wrap my brain around it, and I "get it," but sometimes not completely. I'm trying, though. :-)


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