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#357117 - 03/20/11 10:02 AM Words to Live (Better) By
prisonerID Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/08
Posts: 1247
Loc: Oklahoma
I could have also titled this "We Did the Best We Could".

This site is no doubt known to some here. It has information concerning all areas of sexual abuse/assault. It has a section specifically for men abused as children/teens and for those assaulted as adults. There are several intersting things on the site to look at I thought.

I thought this was an interesting short piece and much of it resonated with me concerning the night I was kidnapped and assaulted. There were two things that especially hit me where I often think and feel. The link to the site is after the article.

....................................

As you can see from the above list, some of the effects are similar to childhood sexual abused, and if you have been a victim of both, then life can become extremely difficult. However, there are differences, many because of your age, the amount of violence used, fear of being killed, etc. Unlike childhood sexual abuse, where no one could reasonably expect to protect him or herself, adult male rape raises the big question of "why did I not stop it happening?" This was a question that I personally had a lot of problems trying to find an answer to.

I was 37 years old, and the person who raped me was only 24 years old, ex-army and physically much stronger than me. (See I still have to justify it to my self sometimes). The rape took place in my own home, after been violently beaten up for a period of over four and a half hours, more on than off. During that time, there were short periods of time that I was alone in the room and latter thought that I could have escaped, but instead I froze. It took a long time for me to accept that it is understandable to freeze when faced with a situation where I was convinced I would end up dead and had no control over the situation. Had I of attempted to escape, whilst in a state of shock I would not of got very far, and that would of pushed my attacker into a corner where he would of been more likely to kill me. There was nothing in reality that I could have done apart from give in to him. I wrote down every thing that I thought I could have done, but when I worked out what my attacker would have done, the outcome would have been worse.

Another reason that I gave into the situation was that I had taken as much physical pain as I could. That does not make me a coward, it just means that I was realistic. I would have done anything to stop the pain. The fact that I had been abused as a child also meant that, by being raped, I was at least in a situation that was more familiar than been violently beaten. Which ever way I look at the incident I no longer blame myself for what happened, or the things that happened in the 10 weeks before the police moved him out of my house. I did what ever I had to do too physically survive the events, and had I not I would probably not be alive now. Sure I wish it had not of happened, but it did, I can not change it, and I now have to move on. Three years later I still find it hard to sleep on a night in the dark, even though the house is now alarmed. I still have nightmares, though they are getting less frequent. I sleep in a different bedroom. I have moved all the furniture around and redecorated. Basically I have done all that I can so that I do not have constant reminders in my house. Whilst I do not think anyone can totally recover from being raped, things do improve in time. The hardest part was to stop blaming myself, but with the help of two good therapists I eventually managed to accept that I was not to blame. I hope that you too will be able to let go of the self blame yourself, as you did not deserve to be raped and you do not deserve the blame either.

http://www.aest.org.uk/survivors/male/male_on_male_rape.html


Daryl

_________________________
Broad statements often miss their true mark.

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#357147 - 03/20/11 04:34 PM Re: Words to Live (Better) By [Re: prisonerID]
CruxFidelis Offline


Registered: 06/16/10
Posts: 486
Loc: NJ
it's impressive that he went through everything that happened and put each experience through the filter of "Could I really have escaped?" I can't even imagine going there but it is alway s helpful to hear stories who are further along in their recovery than I am.I have a bunch of mental "puzzle pieces" in my head about my assault and they are like shards of glass... I bleed inside whenever I try to handle them and I'm scared of what it will look like when I put the whole picture together. I am always impressed whenever I read stories from people who are able to put the entire contents of their story together.

it's frustrating to me as a writer.... I shoul d be able to do this.

What he said about the physical pain was particularly comforting to read. The first time he assaulted me I was in somuch pain and I am beginning to realize that I couldn't think clearly. I was getting percocet for chronic pain but it only took the edge off...and that affected my ability to think as well, so it was a catch 22. Physical pain backs you into a corner where you will do anything to end it but a lot of times predators will use pain as a threat to keep you under their control. I shouldn't have done what I did with that guy, but I was in too much pain. I hate myself for letting the pain distracting e from being faithrul to my wife.

_________________________
“If a man wishes to be sure of the road he treads on, he must close his eyes and walk in the dark.”

- Saint John of the Cross

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#357159 - 03/20/11 06:33 PM Re: Words to Live (Better) By [Re: CruxFidelis]
prisonerID Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/08
Posts: 1247
Loc: Oklahoma
Peter,

Abuse is not sex - what was done to you had nothing to do with your vows of fidelity to your wife. This was a forced act upon you.

Also when you say "what you did" - that really pains me to read. But I also can identify with it. Along with my rapes I was made to do things to them too. I think you can probably guess what that was. As much as my mind sometimes rebels against the logic I know - I struggle to hang on to the fact that none of it was consensual. If someone holds a gun to your head and your life is threatened it is not consensual and it is not sex. It is abuse/assault. All the blame is on your assailant and none is on you. You did nothing but live - and no child or adult, male or female, are to blame for deciding to live.

My heart aches to see your words here. And you remind me to get pissed off enough to know none of it was my fault either.

None of it was your fault. None of it.


Daryl

_________________________
Broad statements often miss their true mark.

Top
#357230 - 03/21/11 05:21 PM Re: Words to Live (Better) By [Re: prisonerID]
CruxFidelis Offline


Registered: 06/16/10
Posts: 486
Loc: NJ
thank you for the truth in your words, Daryl. I guess t is easy to see how i would feel like my marriage in some way was violated. It gives me comfort to know that while he harmed & mutilated my body and my sexuality, he still could not do anything to dissolve the sacramental union that exists between me and my wife. She has made it evident that he did not destroy her love for me. he recited certain out-of-context bible verses from memory while I was performing acts on him. He asked me where my guardian angel was. I know he was trying to fill me with doubt and take away something that was obviously a source of comfort to me. It is just another way of doing violence to someone. I have not allowed him to take away my sense of security with my God so I don't know why I still struggle with the feeling that my marriage & sense of moral integrity were violated.

In a lot of ways I need to take those words to heart, about how there is never anything wrong with choosing to live. I believe very strongly in the value of human life in all its varying stages and forms. I know if one of my friends told me that he was in my position and he had to do horrible things because his life depended on it, i would be happy he chose life. I beat myself up so much... I sometimes worry if deep down, God would have wished I had martyred myself... a completely silent martyrdom with the volume turned down all the way to zero. No last words, gone. Would I have had more dignity? I do think there are things in life a man should be prepared to die for. I would die for my wife. I would die for my son. There is always a part of myself that wanted to be the hero of the story. That part of myself thinks I should have died for my purity rather than become an object of sexual gratification. Then again, if the man didn't assault me I wouldn't have ever questioned my moral integrity this way so maybe it is irrelevant.

Daryl, I hate what happened to you, and I wish you didn't have to suffer all the things you have suffered. But you have a gift for saying the right things at the right time, and I am grateful that you share that gift with us.

Peter

_________________________
“If a man wishes to be sure of the road he treads on, he must close his eyes and walk in the dark.”

- Saint John of the Cross

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#357255 - 03/21/11 08:32 PM Re: Words to Live (Better) By [Re: CruxFidelis]
prisonerID Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/08
Posts: 1247
Loc: Oklahoma
Peter,

You are a hero in so many ways. You not only lived but you still live to be a husband and a father to that wonderful little boy. That is a real hero - I did not say a perfect hero. I can already see that mind of yours picking my words apart. smile

Let me tell you this and see what you think. I have always beaten myself up for not finishing my licensure. Because of my self destructive manners I let it go. Now to you am I less a man than if I had? Or am I a guy who got a raw deal and somehow did not too bad in his career?

Now how could you write something like that about yourself?

Look at that little boy - you will see a hero in his eyes.


Daryl

_________________________
Broad statements often miss their true mark.

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#357261 - 03/21/11 09:18 PM Re: Words to Live (Better) By [Re: prisonerID]
CruxFidelis Offline


Registered: 06/16/10
Posts: 486
Loc: NJ
The fact that my son was in the world at the time of my assault, even though my wife didn't even know it, was something that has become for me a testimony that sometimes in our darkest moments, when we are trapped and afraid for our lives, there is still a point to our lives. I was that boy's father.. even though at the time he was no bigger than blueberry. When that man was beating me in the nuts, telling me I would never have children, my son was developing my eyes, my smile. If I let that man kill me, my son never would have known his father.

Daryl, you are not the sum of all the letters after your name. Having letters after your name sure is great... but I definitely don't think any less of you. I am sure you are wonderful at what you do and if I ever found that school I've always wanted to found you can be the school counselor no problem smile

_________________________
“If a man wishes to be sure of the road he treads on, he must close his eyes and walk in the dark.”

- Saint John of the Cross

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