Newest Members
andrewmartin, Aurigny, Luther, LuckyCharm, Jennifer Lyons
12251 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
AdawgJR (28), Brian (50), hikerpark (52), Jeremy Welch (47), Logan81 (2014), Olson30 (60), Patrick7958 (56)
Who's Online
0 registered (), 55 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12251 Members
73 Forums
63105 Topics
441302 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Topic Options
#357206 - 03/21/11 01:33 PM New here. the man i love just told me his secret
lonelysassy Offline


Registered: 03/21/11
Posts: 5
Loc: VA
I have been reading others talk about what they have been going through and I Feel less alone, thanks. My man just disclosed his CSA a week ago.I am th eonly one that knows.

I now understand why he is the way he is, but he refuses help and our relationship is falling apart. Guys please give me any advice or suggestions on how to deal.


Top
#357207 - 03/21/11 01:33 PM Re: New here. the man i love just told me his secret [Re: lonelysassy]
lonelysassy Offline


Registered: 03/21/11
Posts: 5
Loc: VA
Lonely Sassy

_________________________
Lonely Sassy

Top
#357210 - 03/21/11 01:54 PM Re: New here. the man i love just told me his secret [Re: lonelysassy]
Obi Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/28/09
Posts: 1275
Loc: kansas
ls,

if he disclosed to you only a week ago and you're the ONLY one he has told then you need to give him a little more room to breathe...

disclosing for the very first time is incredibly difficult and scary thing to do. he just opened his world up somewhat by disclosing. he'll need his time to deal with the thoughts and feelings that go with that.

best thing i can suggest right now is to be there for him when he is ready to talk again. DO NOT TRY TO PUSH HIM now as he is feeling extremely exposed.

if you care about him, and want to make things work, do your best to weather the storm right now. this is one of the hardest things he is going through right now and he needs to feel even more secure since he opened up....

you can offer advice/help or whatever, when he asks for it. it's a long journey and he has just taken his first step towards recovery... give him some time to adjust...

hope things work out..

todd

_________________________
live another day. climb a little higher.

my story

my vlog

Top
#357211 - 03/21/11 01:57 PM Re: New here. the man i love just told me his secret [Re: lonelysassy]
SoniaDx Offline


Registered: 02/18/11
Posts: 21
I empathazie with you more than you could imagine. This website is a really great resource to get help and support. From my own personal experience, and I'm no expert, the first thing you have to do is not take his behavior personally. Even though it may seem like it's directed at you it's really not. Keeping that in mind helps to keep you level headed.

I'd also do some soul searching and find ways to help yourself. Even if you don't take it personally you're still dealing with your own feelings. It might be worth it to get your own support system in place be it a professional or some other outlet so you're not bogged down. Also so you can absolve yourself from any false responsibilty/obligation to "fix" the problem.

You have a right to say gently and patiently that his actions are negatively effecting your relationship. You have a right to a health relationship where you are both happy and get your needs met. You can't make him get help or push him you can only explain the impact his refusal has on you as a team. One lessen that took me longest to learn is to put yourself in this mind set: if your guy broke his arm (assuming you aren't a trained medical professional) all you can do is take him to the hospital. He has to heal on his own and he has to be the one to put in the work and see the appropriate person/people for his aliement. But you can help him along the way and educate yourself so you know what to expect.


I think he's really lucky to have you.


Top
#357212 - 03/21/11 02:06 PM Re: New here. the man i love just told me his secret [Re: SoniaDx]
lonelysassy Offline


Registered: 03/21/11
Posts: 5
Loc: VA
Thanks Obi and Sonia,
I do have a therapist and a psychiatrist. I have Major Depression and I also am a CSA Survivor. I know not to push him and I told him I wouldn't. I told him I was there for him when he needed me.
I have been juggling so many emotions since he told me. I feel like not getting close to him because I feel like, Is he thinking about the abuse when he touches me?. He says I have been different towards him but I don't mean to. I am just so confused and I don't know what to do.

_________________________
Lonely Sassy

Top
#357213 - 03/21/11 02:14 PM Re: New here. the man i love just told me his secret [Re: lonelysassy]
SoniaDx Offline


Registered: 02/18/11
Posts: 21
Without realizing it I started to distance myself from my husband after it was clear he wasn't ready to get help yet. At least you're self aware of why you're doing it. I was honest with him and said that I didn't want to trigger him in anyway but it just made him feel even more isolated. So I put my own feelings aside and took my cues from him.


Top


Moderator:  ModTeam, peroperic2009 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.