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#357746 - 03/26/11 04:32 PM Re: Homosexuality vs. SSA [Re: Mountainous Buck]
Sad in the Midwe Offline


Registered: 12/23/09
Posts: 19
All of this discussion-and the varied terms-are helpful for me. Being married to someone who is a CSA survivor with SSA is very, very confusing....
Sad


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#357880 - 03/28/11 12:04 AM Re: Homosexuality vs. SSA [Re: Bradley P]
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 11032
Loc: Denver, CO
"To be honest, i don't like the term 'SSA' as it sounds too much like religious mumbo jumbo"

I disagree, but am open to a clinical term if there is one.

_________________________
List of things ain't nobody got time for:

1. That


If I could meet myself as a boy...

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#358276 - 04/01/11 08:55 AM Re: Homosexuality vs. SSA [Re: FormerTexan]
mac80 Offline


Registered: 03/15/11
Posts: 38
Well, it seems like abuse survivors come in all shapes and colors, and suffer from the same problem everyone else does and that is, we never rid ourselves completely from the childhood belief that everyone else is just like we are.

It seems there are straight people here, bisexual people and gay people and some people who have unwanted attractions which they don't feel are part of their natural orientation. I think we should all remember that even though we're here for each other, that doesn't mean we're all going through exactly the same thing.


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#358714 - 04/05/11 08:54 PM Re: Homosexuality vs. SSA [Re: TheBobcatAgain]
Rusty563 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/11
Posts: 200
Loc: Anywhere, USA
Right now, even as I write this, I want man here next to me. Someone to hold me and tell me that he understands that today was a terrible day and feels the aching in my heart.

Does this make me gay or straight or bi (since I'm married). Does it effin matter?

I once had a man that I loved like no other man I had ever loved before. He came into my life at just the right moment (I hated my father, blah, blah, unsure of my sexuality, and intensly attracted to the same sex even though I was married ooooooo). BUT! I had no, I repeat, no sexual attraction to that man. He was was a big ole teddy bear of a man that when he hugged you, you knew you had been hugged by someone who genuinely cared. I loved it when he hugged me...

I loved him. My wife says I used to follow him around like a puppy. I suppose she was right because to be near him was a wonder of life. I was in the presence of someone special. He left one day for another job in another state. I sobbed for days. There's been no one like him in my life since.

I tell you this story without all the mumbo jumbo of previous posts to say this: sometimes its just nice to have a man in your life. Not a buddy or someone to pal around with. God knows they're a dime a dozen. But a man to just "be" with. A man who can hug you and tell you "it's gonna be alright. I'm here." Do you get what I'm saying?

Rusty

P.S. And for the effin record. After all these years, I'm still attracted to men. Lable me if you like. I don't give a good damn.

_________________________
There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you - Maya Angelous
Freedom is never voluntarily given by the oppressor; it must be demanded by the oppressed - Martin Luther King
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5qF_qbaWt3Q
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KDOkMSf-F14

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#358744 - 04/05/11 11:41 PM Re: Homosexuality vs. SSA [Re: Rusty563]
ChrisMc Offline


Registered: 03/27/11
Posts: 4
Loc: Michigan
Would someone want to talk to me about this in a way I might be able to understand. I do understand some of what you are saying but a lot of it I don't. I'm just confused and trying to figure myself out. Thanks, Chris


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#358745 - 04/05/11 11:42 PM Re: Homosexuality vs. SSA [Re: Rusty563]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2433
Loc: TEXAS
Hi, my brothers.

Interesting subject indeed. Various feelings about it too.

I want a man to love me emotionally & physically. I want to be hugged, i want to be told I love you. I want the physical & emotional attachment from a man. I can understand that. That defines just what & who I am.

I was (still am technically) married, We are separated by an ocean. My wife gave me 100% of her. I gave her nothing-zero. I never was attracted to females and the 3 that i had something to do with, there was no emotional connection. I never was supposed to have been married in the first place.

But around those boys in that orphanage/Home, my military buddies, my few male friends that i now have and my sons & grandsons there is an emotional connection,tons of it both sexually & non sexually. So you can see that i am a homosexual person.
I am attracted to & love men. In my heart, soul, mind & body.
Completely. SSA mumbo jumbo i don't know about it.

Heal well, my brothers, no matter which way that you are. I will still love & respect you. For just being YOU.

"I will take that lost boys hand, and i will lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunshine, forever into eternity." As he is me.

Pete..Irishmoose.



Edited by petercorbett (04/05/11 11:44 PM)
Edit Reason: punctuation
_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#358847 - 04/07/11 01:45 AM Re: Homosexuality vs. SSA [Re: petercorbett]
Charlie24 Offline


Registered: 09/28/08
Posts: 562
Hey guys;

I wanted to share my feelings on this issue. So I finally understood after I saw my first therapist that I had been sexually abused. What a big step in my recovery that was to finally have a name for what happened to me. To say hey I was abused by a guy who was my age.

Now comes the next hard part for me. I'm a male who I believe is attracted to other guys. Not 100% certain but pretty sure I think. I still have doubts about this whole thing. It could be fear of being judged or being found out or letting what other people say or think about me bother me. I feel at times like the only guy who is going through this shit in my life around me. Not here I mean but in my actual living life with other people around me here in Arizona. I know that those last statements are not true, that there are others struggling with their sexuality and just as confused here in Arizona here at ASU with me.

I will say this about my feelings. I had this TA last summer who was the instructor for my lab portion of my Organic Chemistry class. I spent time with him and got to know a bit, talk with him. I quickly became attracted to him. Well the class came to an end and that was it. Well I ran into him the following semester and it was nice to see him. He brightened my day up. Talking with him was enjoyable. I was able to forget all my pain, sorrow, agony for a few moments. For a few moments life just felt good and I didn't care about anything else but our conversation. I just felt good around him. Not sure if he is gay or not he did nudge me with his foot. I don't believe straight guys nudge each other with their foots, correct me if i am wrong.

When I was with Jordan I just felt good and comfortable and it was fun to be around him. Maybe I am gay and still in the denial process. He just made me feel better about myself and having a conversation with his life and what was going on for him all seemed right. I tried to pursue this guy further but got no responses from him so I gave up and just fuck it even though I got so many mixed signals from him. Still have some lingering feelings for this guy. I have only told one other person what I am sharing with you guys tonight.

I do find as well that I tend to relate or feel more comfortable around guys. I don't where that comes from because I used to feel more comfortable around girls. Odd phenomenon if you ask me.

The last therapist I was able to see at ASU told me I wasn't gonna figure my sexuality out sitting at home on my couch on a Friday night. I had to actually get out there and explore my sexuality whether it be clubs, bars, parties or places to meet other guys. The message was get out there. That is the hardest part for me. I use my busy school schedule as an excuse not to get out.

Part of the problem is I am just fucking scared of it all guys. Scared of STDs and scared of HIV/AIDs. I think I have said this before but I had sexual contact with my abuser as well as having unprotected sex by choice with a woman. I didn't ejaculate but still scared I could have picked up STDs. I realize I might be a little paranoid but all this shit just scares me and I like the safety of a security blanket I call, my misery. Scared of being hurt or being vulnerable again. Opening myself up and trusting again. I know this is easy part to say all this shit, these are my problems now how do I get out there, but I just fuckin have to do it.

Okay this feels better getting all this shit out of me. I thank you Bobcat and all the men for allowing me to participate in a conversation about sexuality and sexual abuse and how to distinguish between them all.

I may be back to say more but it is getting late here.

Thanks Guys.

Charlie.


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#358937 - 04/07/11 10:03 PM Re: Homosexuality vs. SSA [Re: Charlie24]
Charlie24 Offline


Registered: 09/28/08
Posts: 562
I thought of a few more things I want to add to this topic regarding struggling with my sexuality. That is the hard part for me is to understand those feelings I had when I was around Jordan. I am still so confused if those feelings are feelings of attraction to him as another man or as just finally having another male in my life who gets me and wants to be a friend. It is so important to have male friends in our lives. I can remember the last time I had a male friend (in person) was a friend I had from elementry school. After that I never really had a male friend I could confide in share stuff with, feel like I could trust who wasn't using me or exploiting me.

I know I can come here and bitch and moan on this topic to no end but the last therapist I saw is fuckin right. I have to get out there and try and until I do I won't know.

So maybe it is time I stop bitching and start acting in my life. It appears it will be the only way I will move forward with my life.

Thanks guys for letting me get this shit out. It is helpful. In small steps I am making progress.

Charlie.


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#358966 - 04/08/11 01:46 AM Re: Homosexuality vs. SSA [Re: Charlie24]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6819
Loc: USA
PTSD. In my own case I find that a lot of my attractions are in the realm of PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). That is they are not so much a "sexual orientation" as they are a memory reaction to sexual abuse I experienced as a child.

When boys get sexually abused, the imprint of the general picture of their abuser gets stamped in their brain. If they had multiple abusers then they have a bunch of imprinted images. Then when they see a person (or picture) who resembles an imprint, they have a PTSD reaction to the person. Since the trauma was sexual, then the PTSD trigger results in sexual emotions. It seems like it's a sexual attraction and it can be a trigger to other responses, but it's really a PTSD reaction.

Here is an excellent article on PTSD from Wikipedia:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Posttraumatic_stress_disorder

http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd/index.shtml

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0001923/

I also experienced having a strong and difficult mother and a weak and difficult father with little male companionship. I think that those were also significant formative events.

I had multiple other traumas which complicate the matter.

Allen






Edited by pufferfish (04/08/11 03:35 PM)
Edit Reason: original was not clear

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#360139 - 04/18/11 11:34 PM Re: Homosexuality vs. SSA [Re: pufferfish]
TheBobcatAgain Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/13/10
Posts: 506
Loc: AZ, U.S.A.
My brothers,

I can't begin to thank you for all your input on this topic. I'm sure hearing different stories about SSA will help our friends here - both present and future - to understand and cope with some of their issues. I hoped that this topic would take off and provide some reassurances, and I think it did. I have you guys to thank for that. smile

I would like to make one comment, regarding Charlie24's reply. Charlie, you said your therapist suggested you get out and start learning what attracts you. You also said that you aren't sure why you are attracted to males, or even if you truly are.

May I make a suggestion? If you haven't done so, could you attend a WoR, or other support group first? My theory is that you could learn whether your feelings are non-sexually based or not BEFORE you engage in sex. It might feel safer to you (and probably is safer). If you attended a support group of males that you could trust, you could find out if it's intimacy with males that you yearn for and not the sex. Just a thought.

I wish I had met you in Arizona, because you could have trusted me not to seduce you (Hell, I'm a 39-year-old virgin, after all! Seduction isn't exactly in my nature, lol). I would not have engaged you in sex - instead, I would have given you physical affection in the form of hugs and mental affection in the form of nonjudgmental listening and letting you know how much I care for you. I would have kept your healing at the top of my priority list, as I hope all good survivors would do for each other.

Mods - if the above paragraph is too much or too personal, please go ahead and delete it, with my apologies, if you feel it's inappropriate.

Thank you again, guys, for sharing with me on this topic. I really, truly appreciate it. Thanks. smile

Your loving brother, as always,

Bobcat

_________________________
You don't have to be perfect to be wonderful.

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