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#357184 - 03/21/11 04:57 AM Homosexuality vs. SSA
TheBobcatAgain Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/13/10
Posts: 507
Loc: AZ, U.S.A.
Are homosexuality and same sex attraction the same thing?

This topic has probably been discussed before, and I have heard differing opinions on this subject, so I would like to ask this question again and invite your comments.

I kind of feel homosexuality and SSA are different, for three reasons:

1) In my experience, most homosexuals seem happy with their sexuality, whereas most guys with SSA seem unhappy in that aspect of their sexuality.
2) In my experience, SSA is usually inflicted on the victim. I don't know what prompts homosexuality in a person, but I've heard enough gays say that it wasn't inflicted on them.

I mention this because I have heard some survivors are so worried that they are "becoming gay" and won't be able to handle the social prejudice that they consider...bad solutions to end their pain. Which leads me to #3:

3) In my opinion, there is no "cure" for homosexuality (or heterosexuality). But maybe someday there will arise a cure for SSA? Something for our heterosexual brothers to hope for?

Does this make sense, or have I got it all wrong? I would appreciate any comments you care to share, my brothers.

Your loving brother,

Bobcat

_________________________
You don't have to be perfect to be wonderful.

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#357188 - 03/21/11 06:54 AM Re: Homosexuality vs. SSA [Re: TheBobcatAgain]
mac80 Offline


Registered: 03/15/11
Posts: 38
Interesting. I feel that each person is unique and if you're going to make a box to put someone in, it had better be a unique box. One size, or several sizes (gay, straight, bi, straight with ssa, etc) doesnt fit all. Certainly not me, anyway. I bet I could train my SSA away, but I feel like it's an important part of who I am so I plan to keep it for now.


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#357201 - 03/21/11 11:06 AM Re: Homosexuality vs. SSA [Re: mac80]
dbrannem Offline


Registered: 03/17/11
Posts: 23
Loc: Atlanta
I posted this book in another part of the forum, but it really helped me reconcile my SSA:

Homosexuality and the Christian: A Guide for Parents, Pastors, and Friends

I agree with mac80 - I have stopped trying to label myself. I have decided I just "am".

But I can tell you that I always dreaded and regretted sexual experiences with other men - I think that's a big difference between the SSA and gay.

I also mixed SSA with my CSA which makes it so much more complicated. It's important to understand the origins of SSA - it helps me understand what I really want - just a closeness to another male, to be reconfirmed and to express my own "maleness".

It's not a "cure" - doubt that's possible. I think if I had some intimate, non-sexual relationships with other men it would come as close as possible to "curing" my SSA. I worry that's not possible for a man in his 30's.

_________________________
From Surviving to Thriving

http://www.brannem.com

Grateful 2011 WofR Dahlonega, GA Alumni

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#357287 - 03/22/11 12:52 AM Re: Homosexuality vs. SSA [Re: dbrannem]
TheBobcatAgain Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/13/10
Posts: 507
Loc: AZ, U.S.A.
Thank you for your responses, guys!

I agree, dbrannem. One way to come close to "curing" SSA might be to have intimate, nonsexual relationships with other men.

What is intimate? In this case, I think an intimate relationship would involve patience, understanding, and acceptance, which in time could lead to implicit trust - a quality a lot of survivors have sadly lost due to betrayal.

Maybe what we need is a brother; another male we can implicitly trust with everything - our feelings, our money, our nudity, our secrets, our lives, etc. An offline brother we can be vulnerable to and know that he won't leave or betray us.

What do you guys think? Your help is appreciated. Thanks. smile

Your loving brother,

Bobcat

_________________________
You don't have to be perfect to be wonderful.

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#357318 - 03/22/11 09:26 AM Re: Homosexuality vs. SSA [Re: TheBobcatAgain]
mac80 Offline


Registered: 03/15/11
Posts: 38
With respect, I don't want to be cured, but aside from that word, I agree with you completely. My therapist started a men's group with me and five other guys for the simple reason that as he says, lack of male companioship in our society is "an epidemic." The thing that kind of sucks is that even in a room where everything is confidential and I have nothing to lose, I still haven't allowed myself to trust them, and I think they feel the same way, because we haven't talked about anything really serious.


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#357336 - 03/22/11 11:38 AM Re: Homosexuality vs. SSA [Re: mac80]
TheBobcatAgain Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/13/10
Posts: 507
Loc: AZ, U.S.A.
mac80,

I apologize for my use of the word "cured". I used it in quotes like that because I couldn't think of a better word at the time.

I think the men's group sounds interesting; maybe you just need to give it time? I'm thinking that maybe the six of you need to accept each other, be patient and understanding, before being able to trust each other. After all, real trust doesn't happen overnight - especially in the case of survivors who have been betrayed and had their ability to trust used against them. If your therapist is expecting you all to trust each other immediately, that might be asking too much.

I do agree with him that lack of male companionship is "an epidemic". Sometimes I wonder if that is why there are fewer support groups for males suffering from virtually anything, and why there are higher suicide rates for males.

Bobcat

_________________________
You don't have to be perfect to be wonderful.

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#357381 - 03/22/11 09:10 PM Re: Homosexuality vs. SSA [Re: TheBobcatAgain]
nonchalant Offline


Registered: 11/17/08
Posts: 42
Loc: Northern Ireland, UK
SSA is unwanted homosexuality

However, whilst gay people and therapists will tell you that you're in denial or just not accepting yourself for who you really are, the truth is that the arousal pattern is what is in the wrong, not the person's sense of self

They have acquired a homosexual arousal pattern (usually through abuse), whilst developing psychologically as a heterosexual



Edited by nonchalant (03/22/11 09:19 PM)

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#357410 - 03/23/11 06:35 AM Re: Homosexuality vs. SSA [Re: nonchalant]
mac80 Offline


Registered: 03/15/11
Posts: 38
OH. SO what do we call it when we accept it?

BTW. Our therapist expects nothing. He's a very wise man. It is I who am pushing myself. I like talking to you guys.


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#357413 - 03/23/11 06:44 AM Re: Homosexuality vs. SSA [Re: nonchalant]
mac80 Offline


Registered: 03/15/11
Posts: 38
I plead guilty of responding without reading back in the thread far enough. oops.


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#357423 - 03/23/11 08:59 AM Re: Homosexuality vs. SSA [Re: mac80]
nonchalant Offline


Registered: 11/17/08
Posts: 42
Loc: Northern Ireland, UK
To be honest, i don't like the term 'SSA' as it sounds too much like religious mumbo jumbo

It is essentially ego-dystonic homosexuality, in that the person feels heterosexual but is turned on by same-sex stimuli

Any attempt to embrace 'their homosexuality' will fail because psychologically they aren't homosexual. Events in their childhood has led to their sense of self and their arousal pattern not being the same


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