I could have also titled this "We Did the Best We Could".
This site is no doubt known to some here. It has information concerning all areas of sexual abuse/assault. It has a section specifically for men abused as children/teens and for those assaulted as adults. There are several intersting things on the site to look at I thought.
I thought this was an interesting short piece and much of it resonated with me concerning the night I was kidnapped and assaulted. There were two things that especially hit me where I often think and feel. The link to the site is after the article.
As you can see from the above list, some of the effects are similar to childhood sexual abused, and if you have been a victim of both, then life can become extremely difficult. However, there are differences, many because of your age, the amount of violence used, fear of being killed, etc. Unlike childhood sexual abuse, where no one could reasonably expect to protect him or herself, adult male rape raises the big question of "why did I not stop it happening?" This was a question that I personally had a lot of problems trying to find an answer to.
I was 37 years old, and the person who raped me was only 24 years old, ex-army and physically much stronger than me. (See I still have to justify it to my self sometimes). The rape took place in my own home, after been violently beaten up for a period of over four and a half hours, more on than off. During that time, there were short periods of time that I was alone in the room and latter thought that I could have escaped, but instead I froze. It took a long time for me to accept that it is understandable to freeze when faced with a situation where I was convinced I would end up dead and had no control over the situation. Had I of attempted to escape, whilst in a state of shock I would not of got very far, and that would of pushed my attacker into a corner where he would of been more likely to kill me. There was nothing in reality that I could have done apart from give in to him. I wrote down every thing that I thought I could have done, but when I worked out what my attacker would have done, the outcome would have been worse.
Another reason that I gave into the situation was that I had taken as much physical pain as I could. That does not make me a coward, it just means that I was realistic. I would have done anything to stop the pain. The fact that I had been abused as a child also meant that, by being raped, I was at least in a situation that was more familiar than been violently beaten. Which ever way I look at the incident I no longer blame myself for what happened, or the things that happened in the 10 weeks before the police moved him out of my house. I did what ever I had to do too physically survive the events, and had I not I would probably not be alive now. Sure I wish it had not of happened, but it did, I can not change it, and I now have to move on. Three years later I still find it hard to sleep on a night in the dark, even though the house is now alarmed. I still have nightmares, though they are getting less frequent. I sleep in a different bedroom. I have moved all the furniture around and redecorated. Basically I have done all that I can so that I do not have constant reminders in my house. Whilst I do not think anyone can totally recover from being raped, things do improve in time. The hardest part was to stop blaming myself, but with the help of two good therapists I eventually managed to accept that I was not to blame. I hope that you too will be able to let go of the self blame yourself, as you did not deserve to be raped and you do not deserve the blame either.http://www.aest.org.uk/survivors/male/male_on_male_rape.html