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#356294 - 03/12/11 03:31 PM He doesn't admit abuse {{Triggers}}
j brown Offline


Registered: 03/07/11
Posts: 4
Hi - I'm new here, looking for help. I just found out that my husband was sexually abused by his mother from 14-18. He told me during sex. But he thinks it was ok. But he will only talk about it during sex. I'm confused, don't know what to think? Help.


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#356296 - 03/12/11 03:43 PM Re: He doesn't admit abuse {{Triggers}} [Re: j brown]
LoveHimMore Offline


Registered: 03/12/11
Posts: 2
Loc: Houston, Texas
My spouse has also disclosed recently. He would not talk at all. I immediately convinced him to go to counseling. After the first session, he felt the need to tell me quite a bit. I have a feeling that more will trickle out as he is more comfortable.

I don't know how long your husband has held it in, but mine is fighting 30 years of the habit to hide for his own sanity.


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#356394 - 03/13/11 12:10 PM Re: He doesn't admit abuse {{Triggers}} [Re: LoveHimMore]
j brown Offline


Registered: 03/07/11
Posts: 4
He has told me alot, but again, he doesn't see it as "wrong". I am the first person he has told - it was 35 years ago. I just really don't know what direction to go. He got very irritated when I tried to bring it up outside of sex. Thats the concerning part. It all started when his mother caught him masturbating as a 14 year old. She would watch him. I'm so confused.


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#356400 - 03/13/11 12:24 PM Re: He doesn't admit abuse {{Triggers}} [Re: j brown]
redneckguy Offline


Registered: 05/28/09
Posts: 21
Loc: Ohio
I have a very close friend whom I met and we became somewhat close. He is 27 years younger than myself. I kept asking him if there was something ealse that was bothering him. He always said know . It took almost a year then one day he sent me a text that it started when he was 12 and the abuser was like 64 probley and it went on untill he was at least 18. I can't tell you how I felt. It was such a mix of emotions. The next time I saw him few words were siad we just held each other for maybe two hours in a his car on a cold evening with freezing rain and the windows steemed up in the gas station parking lot. It takes alot of courage to speak out and he saved some other young men whom theis guy was aparently treating the same way. I just feel if I had not have been there in his life he might not have come forward. It's hard.


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#356401 - 03/13/11 12:33 PM Re: He doesn't admit abuse {{Triggers}} [Re: j brown]
timetoheal Offline


Registered: 02/13/11
Posts: 27
Loc: USA
i brown:

It is confusing....extremely! My husband never fully disclosed nor accepted what happened to him until he was in his 40's year (the abuse began as a small child and continued through his teen years). It will only come when he is ready. No way to pull or force it out of him.

I was aware of many things that had happened to him and tried to express to him that he was abused, but until he was ready to embrace it and accept it for himself, it wasn't happening; everyone travels at their own pace.

Once the acceptance starts, it becomes worse before it gets better and becomes one hell of a rollercoaster. Perhaps he's aware of that and just not ready for the tremendous pain and loss and work that will have to be done in order to begin the healing process, it's seriously a lifelong journey for anyone who has been abused and a lifelong journey of support for those of us who love them.

Good luck and be well!
timetoheal smile


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#356430 - 03/13/11 04:25 PM Re: He doesn't admit abuse {{Triggers}} [Re: timetoheal]
earlybird Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/10
Posts: 1007
Loc: WA USA
Hello and welcome ibrown,

One other thing to keep in mind that might also be a player in why your husband is reluctent to view this as sexual abuse. If he excetped this as abuse then he would have to admit his mother is a sexual abuser. I know that for me, that would be an extremely difficult concept to wrap my mind around. EB

_________________________
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#356514 - 03/14/11 09:53 AM Re: He doesn't admit abuse {{Triggers}} [Re: earlybird]
j brown Offline


Registered: 03/07/11
Posts: 4
I believe that would be very hard to accept a parent as an abuser -- your Mother. The really hard part is that he talks about it during sex and its arousing to him???? Is this typical that men who have had sexual relationships with their mothers think that it was erotic? I am just numb. I really don't think mentally he could wrap his mind around this. Thank you for your words.


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#356519 - 03/14/11 10:39 AM Re: He doesn't admit abuse {{Triggers}} [Re: j brown]
timetoheal Offline


Registered: 02/13/11
Posts: 27
Loc: USA
I don't know it that is "typical", but in my case NO. (my husband was abused by his Mother as well). He hates her and has NEVER brought her up during sex, so my thought is that would have to be some sort of coping/acting out mechanism for him. The guys would probably be able to best answer that for you.


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#356520 - 03/14/11 10:45 AM Re: He doesn't admit abuse {{Triggers}} [Re: j brown]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6542
Loc: Never Sugar Mountain
Originally Posted By: j brown
he doesn't see it as "wrong".


I would ask him "based on what ?"

YOU own stock in this marriage corporation too. You have every right to get to the root of "issues."

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Stop expecting people to be other than what they are! You'll be so much better-off. [Christopher, age 10]

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#357154 - 03/20/11 05:46 PM Re: He doesn't admit abuse {{Triggers}} [Re: Still]
j brown Offline


Registered: 03/07/11
Posts: 4
thank you all. I guess I never thought of that. I am not sure if he will ever be able. His mother has passed. I am struggling with so many emotions. He doesn't hate his mother at all. He has told me alot of what they did, and I cannot even begin to wrap my head around this - I cannot believe a mother would do this.


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