Newest Members
Artie, theLC, justme123, JaySzee, Paz
12969 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
lookingforanswers (42)
Who's Online
4 registered (jimlarson, Rich1967, unhappycamper, bdave2), 72 Guests and 3 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12969 Members
75 Forums
67223 Topics
469369 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 4 1 2 3 4 >
Topic Options
#357095 - 03/19/11 08:38 PM Forbidden pleasures
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2506
Loc: TEXAS
Hi, my brothers. ****May be triggering to some****

One would think that the older one gets, the wiser he gets. That after we get older & more knowledgeable about what had happened to us we would learn to navigate away from the rocks in our path.

I have gained vast amounts of knowledge about myself, just who & what i am in these last almost 2 years than i ever knew about myself in the previous 70.

I love that little boy Pete. I am in awe off his survival skills over all these years. Including me trying to drown him in alcohol & running away from him.
I really didn't know completely what the reason i was trying to drown him for, nor why i was trying to run away from him. Perhaps it was because of the emotional, physical & mental abuse. I had known that all my life.
The same can be said of the sexual abuse. From 5-16 years old those sexual things happening to me i did not know was wrong. And it would take 55 years after the last act. For me to find out that those forbidden pleasures were wrong.

It is written in the guide Victims No Longer, by Mike Lew, Men & feelings page 53 "Finally, try and not to berate yourself for not having done this sooner, or to feel that the task is hopeless. You couldn't have done it a minute earlier. You simply weren't ready."

I have tried to understand that little boy named Pete. I surely didn't ever think that i was ready for him to come home to me.

I can understand him wishing that his "mom" was dead. I have no regrets about that part. We hated each other. She taught me fear & hate for girls/females.

I can understand him adopting the person whom had given him love, nurturing, attention, held me in his arms whispering to me I love you. He gave me pleasures. Pleasures that i have always enjoyed in my memory & during my sexual acts. He was not a parent nor was he a member of the family. But as far as this boy was concerned i loved him. And i told him so. He loved me and he told me so. I always enjoyed, liked, wanted more and went instigating it. He & others taught me how to love a man.

So, here i am today. These last few days have been both triggering & pure hell for me. Yes, that older & wiser guy. The guy who is learning how to control his sexuality. Plus his emotions.

One day i go from having tears run down my cheeks & choking up because i watched a TV program where a poor mother with kids & no father around was trying to make life better for them. She was showering her love on them & they were doing the same in return. I felt deep sorrow for little Pete. What had we missed?
With the help of Todd (obi) he got me out from the depths of darkness on that.

And on the same evening i start to think about my sexuality & those pleasures from men that i have enjoyed over my life time. I go into the gay porn site.
I want so much to share my love with a partner. But for now i share those forbidden pleasures with Ralph. He is still very much in my mind and soul. No matter that i thought that i had purged him from me. So i have gone into the gay porno site again and there i get my emotions, sexuality & pleasures back. No tears there.

For you see it is him & me there. We are doing everything depicted there together. I still love him & no matter how hard i try i just cannot let him go. I cannot say that those were forbidden pleasures now, because that's all i know & feel that's where my sexual emotions really are.
I loved him, I told him so. He loved me, he told me so.

Am I leading that little Pete from the darkness into the sunshine? Or am I keeping him a victim because i want those pleasures now? After over a hundred T sessions. After a 12 week PTSD therapy session, after four emotionally exhausting WoR's and those books by Mike Lew, Stephen D. Grubman-Black, Mik Hunter, Tom Wilken & Timothy L. Sanders.
I have kept myself that victim boy, but now in a mans skin.
I haven't learned much at all. So much for wisdom.

I had to get this off my chest. I thank my brothers for hearing my cries & feeling my fears.

Heal well my brothers heal well.

Pete..Irishmoose.

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


Top
#357096 - 03/19/11 08:47 PM Re: Forbidden pleasures [Re: petercorbett]
mrwhiskers Offline


Registered: 02/22/04
Posts: 193
((((((pete)))))))

Gabriel

_________________________
"Dont be scared... angels r here" Maria Fernanda (Mafer)

Top
#357098 - 03/19/11 09:33 PM Re: Forbidden pleasures [Re: mrwhiskers]
itrahan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/02/10
Posts: 96
Loc: Louisiana, Gulf Coast
Oh my Sequoia Brother,
I wish you well, to be so courageous traveling to a very dark place emtionally to reveal your truth while searching for authenticity. You have my respect & admiratation.

Ivan


Top
#357109 - 03/20/11 05:12 AM Re: Forbidden pleasures [Re: itrahan]
1.healing Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/10/10
Posts: 261
Loc: NW Ohio

(((((Pete)))))

Please check your PM's


Top
#357119 - 03/20/11 10:39 AM Re: Forbidden pleasures [Re: 1.healing]
Dewey Offline
Member

Registered: 11/13/02
Posts: 140
Loc: the sunshine state
Pete, It was abuse!It was Childhood Sexual Abuse. It was not a relationship. I know it felt like "love" but he used you for his pleasure! Let me ask you this. At five years old, would you EVER have initiated sexual contact with a man? You didn't even know what sex was Pete! You say you love little Pete, good, I'm sure you do. Then love him enough to pull him away and protect him from that perpetrator. Cry your guts out for him. It never should have happened to you buddy. Doesn't matter how your little heart and body responded to the attention. It was God Damned abuse.
I love you bro', keep going! Dan

_________________________
I refuse to use my past as an excuse to not have a future.
My hero Dad; Trigger warning- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Oi3Hyxuf5AE

Top
#357133 - 03/20/11 12:06 PM Re: Forbidden pleasures [Re: Dewey]
RecoveryReady1 Offline


Registered: 12/05/10
Posts: 433
Dewey....finally a voice of reason....I was starting to wonder....


Top
#357171 - 03/20/11 11:33 PM Re: Forbidden pleasures [Re: RecoveryReady1]
Dewey Offline
Member

Registered: 11/13/02
Posts: 140
Loc: the sunshine state
Pete, I was going to PM you, but feel that this needs to be out in the open where others might benefit from it as well. I have to say a couple things. (1) We speak from experience. We know about the nice things that perpetrators say and do. They take unsuspecting kids that may be starved for love and feed them garbage. Then the kid learns to function on garbage as a main staple of their diet. We ate, drank, slept, and woke according to the input that they gave us.....garbage! Think of who you would be if you never had met Ralph. Think how clear your thoughts would be, think of all the guilt you never would have had to endure. Think of the bliss you would have as a family man who is confident rather than a looming sense of foreboding.
(2) It's easier for me to be empathetic for you than for myself. Grieving for others has brought me to tears that have helped me immensely. This healing is possible, but we have to face the painful truth. I'm really getting wound-up by this hook that he still has in your jaw. I could walk away and pretend it's none of my business. It's not my business, it's your business, it's your life. You have some years left. It just really, really makes me spittin' mad that I spent 35 years being "nice". Wishing that my 7th grade counselor would somehow come back and sweep me off my feet and do all the things he said he was going to do.I pity that man. He has major problems. Think about this Pete, why don't you picture yourself stepping out of your sons lives when they were five, (just barely out of diapers by the way)and letting Ralph "love" them. Sounds like a good idea right? I mean he "loved" you and only prospered you and never hurt you in any way so I'm sure he'd do a super warm loving job with your sons. Right? I don't think so Pete. Thank God you were there to protect them from the Ralphies. Arghhhh! Don't get me started!

_________________________
I refuse to use my past as an excuse to not have a future.
My hero Dad; Trigger warning- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Oi3Hyxuf5AE

Top
#357215 - 03/21/11 02:20 PM Re: Forbidden pleasures [Re: Dewey]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2506
Loc: TEXAS
*****WARNING MAY BE TRIGGERING****AND GRAPHIC****WARNING****

I had answered this in a PM. But i feel that it should be here too. Perhaps it will be of help to some of my brothers out there.

My brothers this topic has consumed most of my energy in these last few days. It is something that i will have to finally come to terms with. It is something that i have to do not only for little Pete, but me too. And the sooner that i do, the healthier (mentally) i will become, and be able to confront other related issues head on.
Here goes, remember the warning.
My brothers in healing.

One of my problems right now is that i still don't believe in myself, and if i can't then how could i believe in a God?

But, i did believe in all that emotional, physical & mental abuse that she had drilled into her sons heart & soul.
Being that i was considered to have been useless, worthless & would never amount to anything young boy.

I was already trying to prove her wrong. And Ralph would be the one who loved me & i him would be my teacher. I firmly believed that he loved me and i loved him. I would prove my love & usefulness to him. I was going to be the best boy analy for him & orally to him. After all he whispered in my ear often "i love you." It even went as far as me going willingly with those strange men, as i thought they loved me too. No matter how much it had physically hurt at times, I was going to prove my "mom" wrong to myself.

As hard as this might be to believe i had never knew that what he was doing to me as sexual abuse, until August of '08 when it came into my conscious mind after reading the book Abused Boys..Sexually abused boy's by Mic Hunter. Then it hit home.

I had always thought that what my "mom"was doing to me was what all mothers do to their sons.

The same went for Ralph. i did not realise that it was sexual abuse until the same time. He has been with me all my life especially when i was M'ing as that young boy & even into my adult years. He was there in all my sexual fantasies. As you already know I always thought it was about love.

In all those WoR's that i had attended, i had tried to burn, bury & purge from my soul both my "mom" & Ralph. From my very being. I even went to church asking for help from God.
But i am still suffering those pains trying to come to the rightful conclusion that Ralph did not love me. What he had done was a criminal act against me. And, my brothers, i am still blinded by his (false) love for me, and i for him.

But in this last few weeks or so you, my brothers here, the face to face help from Todd (obi) as a guest in his heart & home, and my other brothers here and in the GBTQ healing circle have come to my aid. Came to me in brotherhood, like you and not preaching but trying to guide me. Desperately trying to get me to see the truth. Believe me, my brothers i am trying. It is very painful and it will require me to completely rerwire my brain, heart & soul.

To take little Pete's hand and lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunshine, forever into eternity. As he is me. I can do no less for that courageous little boy.

Your love, compassion & understanding for this boy/man will lead him on to the right path to recovery. As does that same compassion from my other brothers here does too.

From the depths of my soul, i thank you all for your help & prayers for that lost boy/man.

Yes my brother Dewey, i can see there was no real love for me. Just power and control over a boy looking for someone to hold him & love him. Nothing more & nothing less. Now to convince myself..a work in progress.

Some sentences have been worded differently from the pm one.

Heal well, my brothers,in healing, heal well.

"I will take that lost boys hand, and i will lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunshine, forever into eternity." As he is me.

Pete..Irishmoose.





Edited by petercorbett (03/21/11 06:29 PM)
Edit Reason: added a word
_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


Top
#357227 - 03/21/11 05:09 PM Re: Forbidden pleasures [Re: petercorbett]
risingagain Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/10
Posts: 597
Loc: Vancouver, BC, Canada
U know... when I want to excuse my dad for what he did, I get this feeling of 'i just want to feel OK' and 'make me feel OK again'

i just go crazy

because it's a crazy thought

it's like saying 'i don't know what love is, so i'll take the only thing i've known'.

and what kind of soul sellout is that, brother?

you're worth more, much more


Top
#357280 - 03/21/11 11:47 PM Re: Forbidden pleasures [Re: risingagain]
trb1345 Offline


Registered: 03/09/11
Posts: 73
Loc: NY
Kinda scared...but here goes...

Im Tommy, Pete's new friend. I have to agree with Pete. Its so hard to seperate things...love from abuse. I wasn't beaten, I wasn't emotionally berated. But I was a boring little boy. My siblings are all older than me. When John first started having sex with me, I was 10, and my oldest sister was graduating college. I didn't do anything special, I just played with Tonka trucks and kicked soccer balls. How boring I must have been. I only had one friend too. Then John came into my life and I became a special boy. I learned to do things that made him feel so good, and the things he did to me felt so good too. I asked for it so many times.

I loved him, and like Pete I told him so. And like Ralph, John told me he loved me. I believe it still. I feel so conflicted. I loved how it felt, but that makes me feel dirty, guilty, and ashamed. All I wanted to do was to be a good boy, to make him feel good, and get my reward. I was a good boy, his special boy, and that's all I have to hold onto. Sorry, I cant do anymore right now.

Tommy

_________________________
Inside all of us there's a wild thing.

-My favorite book.

Top
#357316 - 03/22/11 09:12 AM Re: Forbidden pleasures [Re: trb1345]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2506
Loc: TEXAS
Hi, my brothers.

I'm glad that my brother, Tommy came here. I told him that liking it, etc was nothing to be ashamed nor guilty of.
(Believe me that is easier said than done). And if we think that we were unique, we are wrong.
I invite Tommy & my other brothers out there to go into the sexual identity forum. Go to page 16 and you will see us two boys there. Yep, Tommy. You will see little Tommy, little Pete and all of our little other brothers there too.

Yes my brother Tommy, we are two boys whom fell in love with our abusers. They told us that they loved us. That's the hard part to deal with. We told them that we loved them, the other hard part.

We loved what they did to us..in the name of love of course. I have been acting out in my sexual fantasises for 60 years. With him always being there in anything that i have done sexually, and as a compulsive M'bater, gay porn seeker he and i are always there together in my mind. I can see him & i can feel him.

I/we have carried that baggage into our adult lives. We never let them go, we never realised that what they had done was criminal.


So my brother little Tommy & big Tommy, along with little Pete & big Pete have a hard and difficult task ahead of us.
It's going to be painful & emotionally exhausting i guess that we will have to go deep inside of ourselves & reprogram/rewire our heart, mind & soul.

The reward that i am now seeking for being like you Tommy a special boy then is to take little Pete's hand we will talk about it, we will (hopefully) cry about it. We will overcome it.

Our brothers here will see to it & they will guide us along our way.

Heal well my brother ((((((Tommy)))))), heal well.

"I will take that lost boys hand, and i will lead him from the depths of darkness, forever into eternity." As he is me.

Love & blessings to all my brothers here. As here i am home.

Pete..Irishmoose.



Edited by petercorbett (03/22/11 12:46 PM)
_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


Top
#357349 - 03/22/11 02:27 PM Re: Forbidden pleasures [Re: petercorbett]
trb1345 Offline


Registered: 03/09/11
Posts: 73
Loc: NY
All,

Its so hard to seperate everything. I can't change how I felt while doing it with him, but im trying to change how I feel about him now, and what our relationship really was. This isn't going to be easy, and im scared. I was so special to him, I mattered. I felt so loved, not just sexually, but physically and emotionally as well. This is so hard.

Tommy

_________________________
Inside all of us there's a wild thing.

-My favorite book.

Top
#357371 - 03/22/11 07:06 PM Re: Forbidden pleasures [Re: trb1345]
Jim1961 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/10/09
Posts: 1186
Loc: Pa, but likely traveling...
Sorry to post here guys... but....

I saw my new counselor (EMDR) last week for our first meeting. What did I say about Randy? He abused me in every way, assaulted me when I told him I was leaving AND he was the most PASSIONATE towards me as anyone else I have ever known in my life.

Maybe that's it? Confusing passion for love?

Just a thought...

_________________________
Loneliness is a power that we possess to give or take away forever. -Yes, Starship Trooper

My Story

Top
#357378 - 03/22/11 08:39 PM Re: Forbidden pleasures [Re: Jim1961]
brother2none Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/30/09
Posts: 267
Loc: Undisclosed
This topic has me in knots also, I have been grapling with the understanding that decades of acting out was my way of gaining control over the abusive relationship. I have a hard time with the guilt that I sought out the encounters and porn and all my fantasies, like you said pete.

I become upset that I continue to have these thoughts and put myself in risky situations in order to gain acceptance from an older man.

I work at recovery but this isn't changing.


Top
#357386 - 03/22/11 09:21 PM Re: Forbidden pleasures [Re: brother2none]
risingagain Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/10
Posts: 597
Loc: Vancouver, BC, Canada
You guys are very brave.

You're doing my work too.

Thank you.

'"I will take that lost boys hand, and i will lead him from the depths of darkness, forever into eternity." As he is me.'

Pete whenever I read this it touches such a deep place in me. Just wanted to say that.


Top
#357395 - 03/22/11 10:34 PM Re: Forbidden pleasures [Re: risingagain]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2506
Loc: TEXAS
My brothers,

My heartfelt thanks for your compassion, understanding & love.

Because of you, my brothers, my family, I am truly home.

Wishing you a peaceful & healing night.

Heal well, my brothers, heal well.

"I will take that lost boys hand, and i will lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunshine, forever into eternity." As he is me.

Pete..Irishmoose.

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


Top
#357408 - 03/23/11 02:28 AM Re: Forbidden pleasures [Re: petercorbett]
philistine Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/27/09
Posts: 211
Loc: Oregon
Triggers


Pete,

Thank you for being brave enough to speak on this topic.

Regurgitating current literature that might be vaguely appropriate - http://ezinearticles.com/?Why-Sexual-Abu...&id=1452258


We are told that no love is wrong, that is a lie.
I love you, in this case, meant I love what you do for me (but I don't care to deal with the consequences).
I understand the feeling, but it is a lie we told ourselves to survive, but it is still a lie.
Realizing that it is a lie is painful, I am doing it now. I have always been loyal beyond all reason and I find that this trait is my worst nightmare. I can rationalize their actions but in the end it has come down to a simple question - Did their actions make my life better or worse, long term? I would not be here if it improved my life, long term.

Their love was wrong.

That was the intellectual side of things, now for the emotional.

Pete, it hurts like a bitch to realize that someone that you loved was hurting you (me) and calling it love.
To stop making excuses I had to realize that the person that I loved most; had manipulated my emotions to satisfy her needs with no thought of my well-being.

Pete, it wasn't love that he was giving you, it was lies.

I can'[t end this with that line, no matter how powerful I think it night be.

Pete, you are an amazing man please never forget it.

Please read my tagline (and the linked article)




Edited by philistine (03/23/11 02:29 AM)
Edit Reason: content addition
_________________________
Mike

"No price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself" - Nietzsche

Top
#357418 - 03/23/11 08:25 AM Re: Forbidden pleasures [Re: philistine]
trb1345 Offline


Registered: 03/09/11
Posts: 73
Loc: NY
Good morning,

I read the article. And I fit it to a T. Except im not afraid I will die if I stop loving him and what we did, im afraid i'll never feel that way again. I haven't had a meaningful relationship sine John (my ''abuser''). Now im a man, no longer that cute little boy. I don't want to be left alone for the rest of my life. I don't know if my life is worse or better. Im successful, educated, compassionate, caring. If all these were because of pleasuring John, then my life is only smoke and mirrors, right?

What he did hurt physically, but that pain went away after a while. It turned into pleasure. Emotionally, it never hurt, it always felt good. Im so conflicted. Why can't I be angry?

Tommy

_________________________
Inside all of us there's a wild thing.

-My favorite book.

Top
#357420 - 03/23/11 08:28 AM Re: Forbidden pleasures [Re: philistine]
1.healing Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/10/10
Posts: 261
Loc: NW Ohio
Mike,

That is a really good article to read. It certainly sheds a lot of light onto how we're wired for survival, but just how that hard wiring causes problems with "out of the ordinary" things like CSA. Well worth the read, thank you!

Gary

_________________________
"It's never too late to be what you might have been."

George Elliot

"You cannot find peace by avoiding life."

Virginia Woolf

Top
#357421 - 03/23/11 08:38 AM Re: Forbidden pleasures [Re: 1.healing]
1.healing Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/10/10
Posts: 261
Loc: NW Ohio
Tommy,

It's all a learning process for any of us... you'll get to that stage of recovery eventually... have patience, my friend!

All those wonderful qualities you possess are from you, you made those happen, not John, not smoke and mirrors.

Gary


Top
#357428 - 03/23/11 10:07 AM Re: Forbidden pleasures [Re: philistine]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 7011
Loc: FEMA Region 1
Originally Posted By: philistine
Triggers

Their love was wrong.



There was NO love. No adult needs a child to meet his requirements for physical and emotional satisfaction.

There was NO love! There was advantage only.

There was NO love! There was an evil man who knew how to con a child. What a fkng talented genius!

He installed more than your perception of love. He installed excuses and shifted-blame into the boy!

And if NAMBLA is reading this...you'll find no evidence or justification here. You'll find truth instead. If you deny your way out of the truth and think you've found another "ah-HA" moment, you have not. All you've discovered is another con.


Top
#357450 - 03/23/11 01:35 PM Re: Forbidden pleasures [Re: Still]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2506
Loc: TEXAS
My, brother, Robbie.

You are so right.

No Love. Never was i guess except his love for my total body.

We will come to see the truth for what it is.

I will appreciate that little boy even more in truth, as he is me.

I know that Tommy would want me to thank you all for your compassion, understanding & love here.

Knowing that our brothers will take our heart & soul and show us the way.

Heal well my brothers, heal well.

"I will take that lost boys hand, and i will lead him from the depths of darkness into the sunshine, forever into eternity." As he is me.

Pete..Irishmoose.

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


Top
#357462 - 03/23/11 04:34 PM Re: Forbidden pleasures [Re: petercorbett]
trb1345 Offline


Registered: 03/09/11
Posts: 73
Loc: NY
*crying*

Tommy

_________________________
Inside all of us there's a wild thing.

-My favorite book.

Top
#357484 - 03/23/11 06:24 PM Re: Forbidden pleasures [Re: risingagain]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1627
Loc: Minnesota
I"m perplexed the the term "forbidden pleasures" on a website for survivors of sexual abuse.

Gaining knowledge is good, but the goal is to CHANGE my life and my behavior so I am not condemned to live the life of an abuse victim. I think that changing my life has lead to a deeper belief in myself-and that repeating old behaviors undermines that belief in myself and raises the spectre of doubt that I really am worthless and weak.

The sex I was introduced to was tied to twisted ideas of power, control, affirmation, approval, masculinity, and acceptance.

In some ways, my search for sex also became tainted by a rebeliousness against my mother's fanatical ideas about sex.

I regard both my rebellion and the elusive search for power and masculinity as the lashing out of an emotionally immature young male. They never found true resolution or peace. They were formed by the abuse from my childhood around my identity that needs healing in my recovery today.

No amount of seeking this out sexually in my adult years changed the fact that deep inside, I was hurt, hurting, wounded, and desperate for real healing.

My addictive search for relief through alcohol and sex stopped any kind of real growth.

In my experience, when I continued these age-old maladaptive coping skills (habitual drunks, porn binges, and isolative sex) I am only prolonging the abuse cycle and living out the lies my abusers taught me: namely, that sex is secretive, forbidden, numbing, and devoid of a real intimate, loving feelings. That I cannot experience real relationships, real intimacy, or face my life problems successfully.

There is a lot of fear that I had to face in doing this-that fear is what held me back for decades.

Jamie

_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

“It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

Top
#357488 - 03/23/11 07:01 PM Re: Forbidden pleasures [Re: Mountainous Buck]
EvanCan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/09/10
Posts: 170
You write wonderfully, Mountainous Buck.
You've articulated in a single post what I've been seeking to get my head (and heart and life) around for the past couple of years.
Thank you for sharing your wisdom.
It gives me great hope and encouragement.
Keep up the good work!

_________________________
Hope Springs 2010 WoR Alumnus
"I'm here, and I'm on the mend."


Top
#357593 - 03/24/11 08:02 PM Re: Forbidden pleasures [Re: trb1345]
1lifenow Offline


Registered: 03/07/11
Posts: 436
Loc: west coast
RE: mountain buck


In my experience, when I continued these age-old maladaptive coping skills (habitual drunks, porn binges, and isolative sex) I am only prolonging the abuse cycle and living out the lies my abusers taught me: namely, that sex is secretive, forbidden, numbing, and devoid of a real intimate, loving feelings. That I cannot experience real relationships, real intimacy, or face my life problems successfully.


THis is a powerful thread. It's eloquence speak both to my pain and the inability to really see where I had been, where i was and where i was going. I was living in a truly delussional world. I would have kept the secrets till I died one way or the other, keeping everyone away from the true me. The goal now is to find who the true me is in light of all I have learned and yet to learn. One thing I know is I can not go back, no way.

I long for real intimacy but realize I have to be at a place where it will mean something. THere is so much to do first. I know the wait will be worth it, but more importantly the path is what counts. I was a special boy that wasnt special at all. It is time to make it so.

_________________________
The need for love lies at the very foundation of human existence. Dalai Lama

WoR Barrie 2011

Top
#357596 - 03/24/11 08:43 PM Re: Forbidden pleasures [Re: 1lifenow]
trb1345 Offline


Registered: 03/09/11
Posts: 73
Loc: NY
Well put 1life,

Im trying to believe what I did had to do with real intimacy. I believed him for so long. Trying to dump those feelings I have for him (affection, loyalty) are so hard to dispose of. I know where I need to go, what to feel. But I can't go there at the speed of light. I think im moving at the right pace, which is to say as fast as my emotions will let me. Im a few chapters into 'victims no longer,' im talking here, I'm seeing a therapist, and will start in a group in a few weeks. I WANT to feel right in recognizing I was ABUSED! But I feel guilty still, and ashamed in asking him for more, and going back to him time after time. Thanks for telling me your stories, and that it is possible to change from loving my abuser to seeing him for who he really is.

Tommy

_________________________
Inside all of us there's a wild thing.

-My favorite book.

Top
#357603 - 03/24/11 09:29 PM Re: Forbidden pleasures [Re: trb1345]
1.healing Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/10/10
Posts: 261
Loc: NW Ohio
As many of you know Peter Corbett has really struggled with the love he feels for Ralph, the man who perpetrated against him. Likewise trb1345/Tommy is also working on the same issue. It's been extra difficult for them to resolve their feelings as the perps in their lives were kind to them in many other ways. Yet still it makes these perps no less predatory wolves, just disguised in sheep's clothing.

In empathy, frustration, anger and concern I sent the below PM email to Pete, attempting to help find a solution. After we've discussed it together we thought that perhaps it belongs in the public domain so that it may be helpful to more of our healing brothers.

Gary
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Sent to Pete late last week.

((((Peter))))

Pete, to me it seems you're very wise, have good insight and are a very brave man. That the abuse you experienced has caused such tremendous conflict for you is a tragedy, yet is not a surprise. I'm so sorry that it's made you feel such pain and sadness.

I think you've read some of my posts so you know that my perp cousin Steve wasn't kind to me very often, my experience of abuse was very different from yours. You also may recall that I had fallen in love with him, that he sensed it and responded with increased cruelty. He wasn't interested in love, only control and sexual gratification, though how could I know that then, me with my schoolboy crush?

For me I'd always had it in the back of my mind that if he had loved me in return, maybe it wouldn't have been so bad, maybe it wouldn't have even been abuse. This week I've learned from Tommy and now from you that having his love wouldn't have made it easier or better at all. It's actually a more difficult process you guys go through because the love and generosity you experienced from the men who perpetrated against you was genuine for you, or at least in appearance seemed so. Your child's mind, Little Pete's innocent mind didn't have the capacity to understand what was happening to him. That you responded to the attention and wanted to please is completely understandable, not unusual and is not your shame Pete, that belongs to Ralph, not to you! You were a boy, just a child, you only wanted to be loved and cared about, that is such a natural thing.

You've learned over time that what Ralph did to you was wrong. Adults should not have romantic and sexual relationships with children. It goes beyond inappropriate for anyone to ever do that and there's never a good reason for it to take place, never. There are explanations for why it happens, it's called pedophilia, psychopathy, immorality to name a few. Some perpetrators disguised as nice loving men, perpetrate perfect acts of betrayal. What they do to their victims is such a mind fuck that it persists ages/years beyond the earlier days of being molested. After they steal away the innocence, trust and the pureness of the child they then silently revisit throughout the years to take more and leave behind: fear, anxiety, depression, broken spirits, broken lives, loneliness to name a few.

How sad is that? Very I think, it sort of takes monstrous and cruel to a whole new level. And I realize that I haven't expressed anything you don't already know and feel deeply. Children do not have the capacity to understand any of the workings and complexities of relationships, they're trusting kids, innocent like you were, not a small adult, not someone to be sexualized, but just a boy, a sweet young boy!

I hope you haven't run out of the room...... but wouldn't blame you if you did.......I'm sorry but it really pisses me off that you and Tommy are struggling with this. Pete, I have an idea for you, I know how hard you've worked already but there are other things you might try. You need to first determine if you're OK to do them alone or perhaps with a therapist or friend may be better for you, or it may not be for you at all.

Here's what I'm thinking; You, Pete the adult, could benefit from learning about how we develop emotionally and cognitively as children, we go through stages of growth which correspond to particular ages, Childhood Development, it's taught as an entry level psych. class. I think perhaps if you better understood what was happening with your own development when you were a kid being abused, it might help you with this adult problem.

Then once you understand it, think how you'd translate that knowledge to a child, how would you explain it to your younger self. When your ready with it, go to Little Pete and explain it to him in a way he can understand, in language for a child, with patience, with understanding and kindness, and with love, because I don't think he understands it at all, why would he, how could he? Then if you each understand it I think you guys will begin to get it out of your heads and into your hearts, and that is where it may be resolved.

For now and while your learning be upfront with Little Pete ask if he'd be willing to try this with you. Tell him you're trying to figure this out for the two of you and once you understand it better you'll share it with him so that the two of you can figure out how you want to tackle the problem together. Let him know it's what you need in order to heal both of you and that you only want to help him and help your adult self too.

Pete, it's all only an idea and you do with it what you want, no hard feelings if it isn't for you. I'm just concerned and hate to see others hurting. You seem like a good guy and you're deserving of more peace in your life.

In healing brotherhood,

Gary



"It's never too late to be what you might have been."

George Elliot

"You cannot find peace by avoiding life."

Virginia Woolf


_________________________________________________________________


Top
#357623 - 03/25/11 12:36 AM Re: Forbidden pleasures [Re: 1.healing]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2506
Loc: TEXAS
Howdy, my brothers.

First, i want to thank all my brothers here in this particular posting & my brothers in the GBTQ healing circle for their compassion & understanding in helping me and others in coming to a conclusion on this emotional crisis.

I have been reading about the Stockholm Syndrome and for me and my brother Tommy (others too) this would fit right into just why i loved my sexual abuser. Right up to this writing.

I have in my possession a hand out that was given to me at one of those WoR's that i had attended. I have read it & i get emotionally triggered about it.
I will give a brief note on it.
It is about Stages, Needs & Responses for Healthy Development.

1st. Infancy: Trust vs, Mistrust (0 to 18 months)
2Nd. Toddler: Autonomy vs, Shame, Doubt, (18 months to 3 years)
3rd. Preschool: Initiative vs, Guilt (3 to 6 years)
4Th. Childhood: Industry vs, Inferiority (6 to 11 years)
5Th. Teenage: Identity vs,Role Confusion (12 to 18 years)
6Th. Young Adulthood: Intimacy vs, Isolation (19 to 34 years)
7Th. Middle Adulthood: Generativity vs, Stagnation (35 to 65 years)
8Th. Senior: Integrity vs, Despair (65 years onwards.
It's how we view things adapting to those disruptions that we felt.

I will give some of the things that are mentioned in another post here.

It's been a rough day for me. I went looking for those sexual pleasures in the gay porno site. Once again i see me. I see Ralph. I see a little boy/man falling back into those actions that we thought was love an emotional connection & pleasure.
I felt pretty pissed off at myself after, shamed is more like it. I keep myself a willing victim to the man who i thought loved me.

Oh hell, it's late and i have to go to bed. My sexual fantasies are coming on strong, right now.
What will it be Ralph, my lover? Or will it be just me and little Pete?

Heal well my brothers, heal well. Brighter days are coming.


Pete..Irishmoose.



Edited by petercorbett (04/12/11 11:13 PM)
Edit Reason: initals GBTQ
_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


Top
#357712 - 03/26/11 06:43 AM Re: Forbidden pleasures [Re: petercorbett]
1.healing Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/10/10
Posts: 261
Loc: NW Ohio
Hey Peter,

Sorry that you're having a difficult time right now. You've been pretty involved with this issue for a couple weeks now, and have gotten lots of feedback, perhaps you just need time to process.

I apologize if the developmental stages which I mentioned in my post are triggering for you, had I known I wouldn't have suggested this as an avenue to your further healing. I also wouldn't have posted it here, had you explained that to me, when we discussed it. I assure you I only wished to help, not harm you in any way. Please let me know what I can do to help fix any misunderstanding which may have occurred.

Gary



Edited by 1.healing (03/27/11 03:09 AM)
Edit Reason: grammer

Top
#357773 - 03/26/11 11:07 PM Re: Forbidden pleasures [Re: 1.healing]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2506
Loc: TEXAS
Hi, my brothers.

Glad for your input on my (and yours) too struggle on this issue.
Nobody ever told me that this was going to be easy, and as we all know it isn't.

Here are my feelings about those 8 stages & needs listed above.

Strictly my take, my feelings, & my emotions now.

1. Infancy: (0-18 months) Mistrust: She wasn't there for me. No father ever seen.
2. Toddler: (18mos-3 yrs)Shame & Doubt. I was already being brain washed in being worthless, useless, wrong one that lived, not wanted.etc. Shame, was for me wondering if i was flawed, what was wrong with this boy of hers?
3. Preschool: (3-6 years) Guilt: why was i such a burden? I surely was flawed. No encouragement, definitely didn't feel safe from harm and her judgments. She started her sexual abuse at 5. Feeling guilty because i lived & my sister died.
4. Childhood:(6-11 years) Inferiority, always blamed for the things that my sister did. She was worth more than I. She was hugged, held, talked to & never had suffered the beatings, berating & having knives thrown at her. And those ever present words of hate, worthless, useless & never will amount to anything. I was already a loner. I was already hiding in the shadows.I was already the "man of the House 8 yrs old).I had told her that i wished that she was dead. I wasn't into girls/females.)But luckily i was taken away from her as i went into an orphanage/Home. I had a new family i was getting an identity there. And then there was Ralph.
Teenage: (12-18 yrs) Identity & role confusion. Who is this unwanted & unloved boy? She had already taken from him his identity (worthless), etc.
Role confusion: I was her sex toy, i was the "man of the house." We slept together. She was playing with my penis, she put me real close to her in bed. I know that smell. I was already heavily into M'ing. I was already into loving Ralph and enjoying those sexual pleasures.I was going with strange men for sex. I had sexual connections with a younger cousin. Who was I? What was I? No attractions for girls/females.
6. Young Adulthood: (19-34 ears) Intimacy, i was into myself, i was a loner, i avoided girls/females when ever possible. I had tons of emotions for my military buddies, Ralph, those subway men & my first homosexual affair, willingly. I hated girls/females, but loved males. Why was i different than my other male friends? They enjoyed female company & i avoided female company at all costs.
I had already learned to isolate myself pretty well. Even though i was in a large group, my military buddies. The only time i let myself out was to join in an alcoholic group of squadron mates. But even there i limited myself in isolation.
I had my first date with a female, i was very much emotionally & sexually immature, as i didn't know what to say nor how to act in her presence. A older than me lady, she was lonely and i was the one that she took in and she took my "cherry". Then with the lady that i married. And in those three experiences there was never an emotional connection to them. None-Zero.
7. Middle Adulthood: (35-65 years) Generactivity vs, stagnation:
I got married at 34 years old to a wonderful lady, she had given me not only 100% of herself but two fine sons. I had someone to be emotional with & love, my two sons and they loved me in return. Then later i got two grandsons, and worship the ground that they walk on. And they loved me in return.
I loved my military career & post military career. I had a family.
Stagnation: I never acquired any emotions for females in my life. My treatment of my wife will attest to that. Sure thinking back there were a few whom tried to teach me about love, they at times took me into their hearts & homes. But it was already too late. I didn't understand about love from females, just pain & hate. I was still doubting my usefulness,& my worth as a man. Right up to now.
8 Senior: Integrity vs, Despair.
Integrity, trying to celebrate my accomplishments, my legacy, personal truths, wisdom & completing unfinished business and accepting what was and is.

My thoughts about all that. I'm still that immature boy/man.
I'm still trying to put all that abuse done to me in the proper perspective. Why? Why? Why?
Trying desperately to separate my confusing those emotions of Love=sexual abuse. Sexual abuse=pleasure=love.

Lucky for you all my brothers, i'm going to be gone (Texas) for the next few days. Maybe when i come back i can make some sense in a post.
Heal well, my brothers, heal well.
Pete..Irishmoose.

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


Top
#357878 - 03/27/11 11:31 PM Re: Forbidden pleasures [Re: petercorbett]
1.healing Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/10/10
Posts: 261
Loc: NW Ohio
Dearest Peter,

No one has made clearer or better sense of themself in a post than you have done here. Your insight and honesty about your life and sharing it with us is very brave and generous, it goes to the heart of your dedication to others and your own healing journey.

Have a safe trip, I look forward to your return.

Your Friend,

Gary

_________________________
"It's never too late to be what you might have been."

George Elliot

"You cannot find peace by avoiding life."

Virginia Woolf

Top
#358036 - 03/29/11 06:06 PM Re: Forbidden pleasures [Re: 1.healing]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2506
Loc: TEXAS
Hey, my brother, Gary,

I just got back from Texas. But once again you have nothing to apologise for. I need & value what you have to say. If it seems like i'm complaining about being triggered i'm sorry.
I'm just trying and take what someone has given me & try and put my perspective on it. How it might have affected me.

Little Pete & i had quite a talking session on our long drive. Thought about love from persons whom genuinely did love me, but they were friends & our time together wasn't all that frequent. So i didn't get a chance to get an emotional bonding with their true love& my true (boys) love for them.. So pete & i talked about the differences on their way that they showed me love, vs how he showed me love, and that sure puts it in the proper perspective. But sad to say with Ralph, there is/was an emotional connection, however false in my belief.

Appreciate you, keep trying to help me out when you can.

Heal well, my brother, Gary, heal, well.

Pete

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


Top
#358053 - 03/30/11 01:31 AM Re: Forbidden pleasures [Re: petercorbett]
1.healing Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/10/10
Posts: 261
Loc: NW Ohio
Hi Peter,

Glad that you're home safely. Yes, I imagine there always will be an emotional connection to Ralph. For better or worse, he was one of the few long-term people from your youth who was kind to you, even though his motives were questionable. I suppose this probably imprints ones brain in a rather powerful way, it would be difficult, maybe impossible to sort it out from an emotional standpoint. Pete, perhaps the best case scenario is to say, as you have, I understand it intellectually and know what he did was wrong, but I struggle with it emotionally because it was also a positive experience in a very perplexing and twisted way.

Whatever it is... it's still Ralph's shame to bear and whatever his reasons, Ralph should have just been good to you because you deserved to be loved in a non-sexual way. Whatever your mother's deficiencies, she should have cared better for you and protected you from such things. Whatever the fates had in store for you... you beat the bad ones real good and became a better man and person in the process! That, my friend, has real value, as you do yourself. I feel great gratitude and privilege in having found your friendship. Thank you for sharing with me and helping me with my own life's journey.

All my best and all the peace you have so earned,

Gary



Edited by 1.healing (03/30/11 01:40 AM)
Edit Reason: grammer
_________________________
"It's never too late to be what you might have been."

George Elliot

"You cannot find peace by avoiding life."

Virginia Woolf

Top
#358225 - 03/31/11 06:36 PM Re: Forbidden pleasures [Re: 1.healing]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2506
Loc: TEXAS
Howdy, Gary,

Well i'm been into the book Evicting The Perpetrator for the last few days. It's a pretty powerful & triggering guide.Especially the part about what if i liked it? (I did). Triggers, triggers & more triggers. I've had to put it down a few times today.

And what you have been telling me, is also in the book, not in the same words, but the same intent.

Emotionally letting go of Ralph, seems like your take on it understanding it intellectually & finally realising that it was wrong might be the only answer, so far.

Now i'm on the chapter How do they make it OK to do what they do? Maybe i ought to wait until tomorrow on that one.

At any rate i'm going to press on. Take your advice, take the advice from my brothers in the GBTQ safe room & here as well.

Thanks, my brother/friend Gary, sure do appreciate having you here with me. Heal well, my brothers, heal well.

"I will take that lost boys hand, and i will lead him from the deprhs of darkness, intothe sunshine, forever into eternity." As he is me.

Pete..Irishmoose.

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


Top
#358386 - 04/02/11 02:12 AM Re: Forbidden pleasures [Re: petercorbett]
blaidd Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/01/00
Posts: 240
Loc: Australia
Hi Pete,

Just want to say that I really admire and respect you in your struggle to try to come to terms with this issue. Rationalising on an intellectual level I find is quite different to feeling something on an emotional level, so I know how agonizing such a thing can be to overcome.

blaidd


Top
#358421 - 04/02/11 03:01 PM Re: Forbidden pleasures [Re: blaidd]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2506
Loc: TEXAS
My, Aussie brother.

Thanks for your kind words.

I hope that you are healing well along with all my Aussie, brothers there from "Down Under".

Take care, my brother blaidd, heal well.

Pete..Irishmoose.

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


Top
#358422 - 04/02/11 03:19 PM Re: Forbidden pleasures [Re: petercorbett]
trb1345 Offline


Registered: 03/09/11
Posts: 73
Loc: NY
Hiya All,

I'm feeling a little better about the feelings I have for my abuser. I'm trying to put the blame where it belongs...on him. I've started to adopt the idea that even though I liked it, wanted it, and was VERY willing, those feelings don't translate to responsibility. I was the boy. Plain and simple. Hope you guys have a great day.

Tommy

_________________________
Inside all of us there's a wild thing.

-My favorite book.

Top
#358463 - 04/02/11 11:37 PM Re: Forbidden pleasures [Re: trb1345]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2506
Loc: TEXAS
Tommy,

You are coming along just fine in your struggle.

A big step indeed, wish you continuing success in dealing with it.

My brother, little & big tommy, heal well, heal well.

"I will take that lost boys hand, and i will lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunshine, forever into eternity." As he is me.

Pete..Irishmoose.

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


Top
#494472 - 01/25/16 05:41 AM Re: Forbidden pleasures [Re: petercorbett]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 6197
Loc: O Kanada
(petercorbett)

“There is a hideous pleasure which is produced by intense and forbidden impressions and fatal sights.”
~ Gilles de Rais

“At the root of every taboo, there must be desire.”
~ Sigmund Freud
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

Top
Page 1 of 4 1 2 3 4 >


Moderator:  ModTeam 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.