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#357773 - 03/26/11 11:07 PM Re: Forbidden pleasures [Re: 1.healing]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2430
Loc: TEXAS
Hi, my brothers.

Glad for your input on my (and yours) too struggle on this issue.
Nobody ever told me that this was going to be easy, and as we all know it isn't.

Here are my feelings about those 8 stages & needs listed above.

Strictly my take, my feelings, & my emotions now.

1. Infancy: (0-18 months) Mistrust: She wasn't there for me. No father ever seen.
2. Toddler: (18mos-3 yrs)Shame & Doubt. I was already being brain washed in being worthless, useless, wrong one that lived, not wanted.etc. Shame, was for me wondering if i was flawed, what was wrong with this boy of hers?
3. Preschool: (3-6 years) Guilt: why was i such a burden? I surely was flawed. No encouragement, definitely didn't feel safe from harm and her judgments. She started her sexual abuse at 5. Feeling guilty because i lived & my sister died.
4. Childhood:(6-11 years) Inferiority, always blamed for the things that my sister did. She was worth more than I. She was hugged, held, talked to & never had suffered the beatings, berating & having knives thrown at her. And those ever present words of hate, worthless, useless & never will amount to anything. I was already a loner. I was already hiding in the shadows.I was already the "man of the House 8 yrs old).I had told her that i wished that she was dead. I wasn't into girls/females.)But luckily i was taken away from her as i went into an orphanage/Home. I had a new family i was getting an identity there. And then there was Ralph.
Teenage: (12-18 yrs) Identity & role confusion. Who is this unwanted & unloved boy? She had already taken from him his identity (worthless), etc.
Role confusion: I was her sex toy, i was the "man of the house." We slept together. She was playing with my penis, she put me real close to her in bed. I know that smell. I was already heavily into M'ing. I was already into loving Ralph and enjoying those sexual pleasures.I was going with strange men for sex. I had sexual connections with a younger cousin. Who was I? What was I? No attractions for girls/females.
6. Young Adulthood: (19-34 ears) Intimacy, i was into myself, i was a loner, i avoided girls/females when ever possible. I had tons of emotions for my military buddies, Ralph, those subway men & my first homosexual affair, willingly. I hated girls/females, but loved males. Why was i different than my other male friends? They enjoyed female company & i avoided female company at all costs.
I had already learned to isolate myself pretty well. Even though i was in a large group, my military buddies. The only time i let myself out was to join in an alcoholic group of squadron mates. But even there i limited myself in isolation.
I had my first date with a female, i was very much emotionally & sexually immature, as i didn't know what to say nor how to act in her presence. A older than me lady, she was lonely and i was the one that she took in and she took my "cherry". Then with the lady that i married. And in those three experiences there was never an emotional connection to them. None-Zero.
7. Middle Adulthood: (35-65 years) Generactivity vs, stagnation:
I got married at 34 years old to a wonderful lady, she had given me not only 100% of herself but two fine sons. I had someone to be emotional with & love, my two sons and they loved me in return. Then later i got two grandsons, and worship the ground that they walk on. And they loved me in return.
I loved my military career & post military career. I had a family.
Stagnation: I never acquired any emotions for females in my life. My treatment of my wife will attest to that. Sure thinking back there were a few whom tried to teach me about love, they at times took me into their hearts & homes. But it was already too late. I didn't understand about love from females, just pain & hate. I was still doubting my usefulness,& my worth as a man. Right up to now.
8 Senior: Integrity vs, Despair.
Integrity, trying to celebrate my accomplishments, my legacy, personal truths, wisdom & completing unfinished business and accepting what was and is.

My thoughts about all that. I'm still that immature boy/man.
I'm still trying to put all that abuse done to me in the proper perspective. Why? Why? Why?
Trying desperately to separate my confusing those emotions of Love=sexual abuse. Sexual abuse=pleasure=love.

Lucky for you all my brothers, i'm going to be gone (Texas) for the next few days. Maybe when i come back i can make some sense in a post.
Heal well, my brothers, heal well.
Pete..Irishmoose.

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#357878 - 03/27/11 11:31 PM Re: Forbidden pleasures [Re: petercorbett]
1.healing Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/10/10
Posts: 261
Loc: NW Ohio
Dearest Peter,

No one has made clearer or better sense of themself in a post than you have done here. Your insight and honesty about your life and sharing it with us is very brave and generous, it goes to the heart of your dedication to others and your own healing journey.

Have a safe trip, I look forward to your return.

Your Friend,

Gary

_________________________
"It's never too late to be what you might have been."

George Elliot

"You cannot find peace by avoiding life."

Virginia Woolf

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#358036 - 03/29/11 06:06 PM Re: Forbidden pleasures [Re: 1.healing]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2430
Loc: TEXAS
Hey, my brother, Gary,

I just got back from Texas. But once again you have nothing to apologise for. I need & value what you have to say. If it seems like i'm complaining about being triggered i'm sorry.
I'm just trying and take what someone has given me & try and put my perspective on it. How it might have affected me.

Little Pete & i had quite a talking session on our long drive. Thought about love from persons whom genuinely did love me, but they were friends & our time together wasn't all that frequent. So i didn't get a chance to get an emotional bonding with their true love& my true (boys) love for them.. So pete & i talked about the differences on their way that they showed me love, vs how he showed me love, and that sure puts it in the proper perspective. But sad to say with Ralph, there is/was an emotional connection, however false in my belief.

Appreciate you, keep trying to help me out when you can.

Heal well, my brother, Gary, heal, well.

Pete

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


Top
#358053 - 03/30/11 01:31 AM Re: Forbidden pleasures [Re: petercorbett]
1.healing Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/10/10
Posts: 261
Loc: NW Ohio
Hi Peter,

Glad that you're home safely. Yes, I imagine there always will be an emotional connection to Ralph. For better or worse, he was one of the few long-term people from your youth who was kind to you, even though his motives were questionable. I suppose this probably imprints ones brain in a rather powerful way, it would be difficult, maybe impossible to sort it out from an emotional standpoint. Pete, perhaps the best case scenario is to say, as you have, I understand it intellectually and know what he did was wrong, but I struggle with it emotionally because it was also a positive experience in a very perplexing and twisted way.

Whatever it is... it's still Ralph's shame to bear and whatever his reasons, Ralph should have just been good to you because you deserved to be loved in a non-sexual way. Whatever your mother's deficiencies, she should have cared better for you and protected you from such things. Whatever the fates had in store for you... you beat the bad ones real good and became a better man and person in the process! That, my friend, has real value, as you do yourself. I feel great gratitude and privilege in having found your friendship. Thank you for sharing with me and helping me with my own life's journey.

All my best and all the peace you have so earned,

Gary



Edited by 1.healing (03/30/11 01:40 AM)
Edit Reason: grammer
_________________________
"It's never too late to be what you might have been."

George Elliot

"You cannot find peace by avoiding life."

Virginia Woolf

Top
#358225 - 03/31/11 06:36 PM Re: Forbidden pleasures [Re: 1.healing]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2430
Loc: TEXAS
Howdy, Gary,

Well i'm been into the book Evicting The Perpetrator for the last few days. It's a pretty powerful & triggering guide.Especially the part about what if i liked it? (I did). Triggers, triggers & more triggers. I've had to put it down a few times today.

And what you have been telling me, is also in the book, not in the same words, but the same intent.

Emotionally letting go of Ralph, seems like your take on it understanding it intellectually & finally realising that it was wrong might be the only answer, so far.

Now i'm on the chapter How do they make it OK to do what they do? Maybe i ought to wait until tomorrow on that one.

At any rate i'm going to press on. Take your advice, take the advice from my brothers in the GBTQ safe room & here as well.

Thanks, my brother/friend Gary, sure do appreciate having you here with me. Heal well, my brothers, heal well.

"I will take that lost boys hand, and i will lead him from the deprhs of darkness, intothe sunshine, forever into eternity." As he is me.

Pete..Irishmoose.

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#358386 - 04/02/11 02:12 AM Re: Forbidden pleasures [Re: petercorbett]
blaidd Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/01/00
Posts: 240
Loc: Australia
Hi Pete,

Just want to say that I really admire and respect you in your struggle to try to come to terms with this issue. Rationalising on an intellectual level I find is quite different to feeling something on an emotional level, so I know how agonizing such a thing can be to overcome.

blaidd


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#358421 - 04/02/11 03:01 PM Re: Forbidden pleasures [Re: blaidd]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2430
Loc: TEXAS
My, Aussie brother.

Thanks for your kind words.

I hope that you are healing well along with all my Aussie, brothers there from "Down Under".

Take care, my brother blaidd, heal well.

Pete..Irishmoose.

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#358422 - 04/02/11 03:19 PM Re: Forbidden pleasures [Re: petercorbett]
trb1345 Offline


Registered: 03/09/11
Posts: 73
Loc: NY
Hiya All,

I'm feeling a little better about the feelings I have for my abuser. I'm trying to put the blame where it belongs...on him. I've started to adopt the idea that even though I liked it, wanted it, and was VERY willing, those feelings don't translate to responsibility. I was the boy. Plain and simple. Hope you guys have a great day.

Tommy

_________________________
Inside all of us there's a wild thing.

-My favorite book.

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#358463 - 04/02/11 11:37 PM Re: Forbidden pleasures [Re: trb1345]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2430
Loc: TEXAS
Tommy,

You are coming along just fine in your struggle.

A big step indeed, wish you continuing success in dealing with it.

My brother, little & big tommy, heal well, heal well.

"I will take that lost boys hand, and i will lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunshine, forever into eternity." As he is me.

Pete..Irishmoose.

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


Top
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