There was NO love. No adult needs a child to meet his requirements for physical and emotional satisfaction.

There was NO love! There was advantage only.

There was NO love! There was an evil man who knew how to con a child. What a fkng talented genius!

He installed more than your perception of love. He installed excuses and shifted-blame into the boy!

And if NAMBLA is reading this...you'll find no evidence or justification here. You'll find truth instead. If you deny your way out of the truth and think you've found another "ah-HA" moment, you have not. All you've discovered is another con.

My, brother, Robbie.

You are so right.

No Love. Never was i guess except his love for my total body.

We will come to see the truth for what it is.

I will appreciate that little boy even more in truth, as he is me.

I know that Tommy would want me to thank you all for your compassion, understanding & love here.

Knowing that our brothers will take our heart & soul and show us the way.

Heal well my brothers, heal well.

"I will take that lost boys hand, and i will lead him from the depths of darkness into the sunshine, forever into eternity." As he is me.

Pete..Irishmoose.

*crying*

Tommy

I"m perplexed the the term "forbidden pleasures" on a website for survivors of sexual abuse.

Gaining knowledge is good, but the goal is to CHANGE my life and my behavior so I am not condemned to live the life of an abuse victim. I think that changing my life has lead to a deeper belief in myself-and that repeating old behaviors undermines that belief in myself and raises the spectre of doubt that I really am worthless and weak.

The sex I was introduced to was tied to twisted ideas of power, control, affirmation, approval, masculinity, and acceptance.

In some ways, my search for sex also became tainted by a rebeliousness against my mother's fanatical ideas about sex.

I regard both my rebellion and the elusive search for power and masculinity as the lashing out of an emotionally immature young male. They never found true resolution or peace. They were formed by the abuse from my childhood around my identity that needs healing in my recovery today.

No amount of seeking this out sexually in my adult years changed the fact that deep inside, I was hurt, hurting, wounded, and desperate for real healing.

My addictive search for relief through alcohol and sex stopped any kind of real growth.

In my experience, when I continued these age-old maladaptive coping skills (habitual drunks, porn binges, and isolative sex) I am only prolonging the abuse cycle and living out the lies my abusers taught me: namely, that sex is secretive, forbidden, numbing, and devoid of a real intimate, loving feelings. That I cannot experience real relationships, real intimacy, or face my life problems successfully.

There is a lot of fear that I had to face in doing this-that fear is what held me back for decades.

Jamie

You write wonderfully, Mountainous Buck.
You've articulated in a single post what I've been seeking to get my head (and heart and life) around for the past couple of years.
Thank you for sharing your wisdom.
It gives me great hope and encouragement.
Keep up the good work!

RE: mountain buck


In my experience, when I continued these age-old maladaptive coping skills (habitual drunks, porn binges, and isolative sex) I am only prolonging the abuse cycle and living out the lies my abusers taught me: namely, that sex is secretive, forbidden, numbing, and devoid of a real intimate, loving feelings. That I cannot experience real relationships, real intimacy, or face my life problems successfully.


THis is a powerful thread. It's eloquence speak both to my pain and the inability to really see where I had been, where i was and where i was going. I was living in a truly delussional world. I would have kept the secrets till I died one way or the other, keeping everyone away from the true me. The goal now is to find who the true me is in light of all I have learned and yet to learn. One thing I know is I can not go back, no way.

I long for real intimacy but realize I have to be at a place where it will mean something. THere is so much to do first. I know the wait will be worth it, but more importantly the path is what counts. I was a special boy that wasnt special at all. It is time to make it so.

Well put 1life,

Im trying to believe what I did had to do with real intimacy. I believed him for so long. Trying to dump those feelings I have for him (affection, loyalty) are so hard to dispose of. I know where I need to go, what to feel. But I can't go there at the speed of light. I think im moving at the right pace, which is to say as fast as my emotions will let me. Im a few chapters into 'victims no longer,' im talking here, I'm seeing a therapist, and will start in a group in a few weeks. I WANT to feel right in recognizing I was ABUSED! But I feel guilty still, and ashamed in asking him for more, and going back to him time after time. Thanks for telling me your stories, and that it is possible to change from loving my abuser to seeing him for who he really is.

Tommy

As many of you know Peter Corbett has really struggled with the love he feels for Ralph, the man who perpetrated against him. Likewise trb1345/Tommy is also working on the same issue. It's been extra difficult for them to resolve their feelings as the perps in their lives were kind to them in many other ways. Yet still it makes these perps no less predatory wolves, just disguised in sheep's clothing.

In empathy, frustration, anger and concern I sent the below PM email to Pete, attempting to help find a solution. After we've discussed it together we thought that perhaps it belongs in the public domain so that it may be helpful to more of our healing brothers.

Gary
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Sent to Pete late last week.

((((Peter))))

Pete, to me it seems you're very wise, have good insight and are a very brave man. That the abuse you experienced has caused such tremendous conflict for you is a tragedy, yet is not a surprise. I'm so sorry that it's made you feel such pain and sadness.

I think you've read some of my posts so you know that my perp cousin Steve wasn't kind to me very often, my experience of abuse was very different from yours. You also may recall that I had fallen in love with him, that he sensed it and responded with increased cruelty. He wasn't interested in love, only control and sexual gratification, though how could I know that then, me with my schoolboy crush?

For me I'd always had it in the back of my mind that if he had loved me in return, maybe it wouldn't have been so bad, maybe it wouldn't have even been abuse. This week I've learned from Tommy and now from you that having his love wouldn't have made it easier or better at all. It's actually a more difficult process you guys go through because the love and generosity you experienced from the men who perpetrated against you was genuine for you, or at least in appearance seemed so. Your child's mind, Little Pete's innocent mind didn't have the capacity to understand what was happening to him. That you responded to the attention and wanted to please is completely understandable, not unusual and is not your shame Pete, that belongs to Ralph, not to you! You were a boy, just a child, you only wanted to be loved and cared about, that is such a natural thing.

You've learned over time that what Ralph did to you was wrong. Adults should not have romantic and sexual relationships with children. It goes beyond inappropriate for anyone to ever do that and there's never a good reason for it to take place, never. There are explanations for why it happens, it's called pedophilia, psychopathy, immorality to name a few. Some perpetrators disguised as nice loving men, perpetrate perfect acts of betrayal. What they do to their victims is such a mind fuck that it persists ages/years beyond the earlier days of being molested. After they steal away the innocence, trust and the pureness of the child they then silently revisit throughout the years to take more and leave behind: fear, anxiety, depression, broken spirits, broken lives, loneliness to name a few.

How sad is that? Very I think, it sort of takes monstrous and cruel to a whole new level. And I realize that I haven't expressed anything you don't already know and feel deeply. Children do not have the capacity to understand any of the workings and complexities of relationships, they're trusting kids, innocent like you were, not a small adult, not someone to be sexualized, but just a boy, a sweet young boy!

I hope you haven't run out of the room...... but wouldn't blame you if you did.......I'm sorry but it really pisses me off that you and Tommy are struggling with this. Pete, I have an idea for you, I know how hard you've worked already but there are other things you might try. You need to first determine if you're OK to do them alone or perhaps with a therapist or friend may be better for you, or it may not be for you at all.

Here's what I'm thinking; You, Pete the adult, could benefit from learning about how we develop emotionally and cognitively as children, we go through stages of growth which correspond to particular ages, Childhood Development, it's taught as an entry level psych. class. I think perhaps if you better understood what was happening with your own development when you were a kid being abused, it might help you with this adult problem.

Then once you understand it, think how you'd translate that knowledge to a child, how would you explain it to your younger self. When your ready with it, go to Little Pete and explain it to him in a way he can understand, in language for a child, with patience, with understanding and kindness, and with love, because I don't think he understands it at all, why would he, how could he? Then if you each understand it I think you guys will begin to get it out of your heads and into your hearts, and that is where it may be resolved.

For now and while your learning be upfront with Little Pete ask if he'd be willing to try this with you. Tell him you're trying to figure this out for the two of you and once you understand it better you'll share it with him so that the two of you can figure out how you want to tackle the problem together. Let him know it's what you need in order to heal both of you and that you only want to help him and help your adult self too.

Pete, it's all only an idea and you do with it what you want, no hard feelings if it isn't for you. I'm just concerned and hate to see others hurting. You seem like a good guy and you're deserving of more peace in your life.

In healing brotherhood,

Gary



"It's never too late to be what you might have been."

George Elliot

"You cannot find peace by avoiding life."

Virginia Woolf


_________________________________________________________________

Howdy, my brothers.

First, i want to thank all my brothers here in this particular posting & my brothers in the GBTQ healing circle for their compassion & understanding in helping me and others in coming to a conclusion on this emotional crisis.

I have been reading about the Stockholm Syndrome and for me and my brother Tommy (others too) this would fit right into just why i loved my sexual abuser. Right up to this writing.

I have in my possession a hand out that was given to me at one of those WoR's that i had attended. I have read it & i get emotionally triggered about it.
I will give a brief note on it.
It is about Stages, Needs & Responses for Healthy Development.

1st. Infancy: Trust vs, Mistrust (0 to 18 months)
2Nd. Toddler: Autonomy vs, Shame, Doubt, (18 months to 3 years)
3rd. Preschool: Initiative vs, Guilt (3 to 6 years)
4Th. Childhood: Industry vs, Inferiority (6 to 11 years)
5Th. Teenage: Identity vs,Role Confusion (12 to 18 years)
6Th. Young Adulthood: Intimacy vs, Isolation (19 to 34 years)
7Th. Middle Adulthood: Generativity vs, Stagnation (35 to 65 years)
8Th. Senior: Integrity vs, Despair (65 years onwards.
It's how we view things adapting to those disruptions that we felt.

I will give some of the things that are mentioned in another post here.

It's been a rough day for me. I went looking for those sexual pleasures in the gay porno site. Once again i see me. I see Ralph. I see a little boy/man falling back into those actions that we thought was love an emotional connection & pleasure.
I felt pretty pissed off at myself after, shamed is more like it. I keep myself a willing victim to the man who i thought loved me.

Oh hell, it's late and i have to go to bed. My sexual fantasies are coming on strong, right now.
What will it be Ralph, my lover? Or will it be just me and little Pete?

Heal well my brothers, heal well. Brighter days are coming.


Pete..Irishmoose.

Hey Peter,

Sorry that you're having a difficult time right now. You've been pretty involved with this issue for a couple weeks now, and have gotten lots of feedback, perhaps you just need time to process.

I apologize if the developmental stages which I mentioned in my post are triggering for you, had I known I wouldn't have suggested this as an avenue to your further healing. I also wouldn't have posted it here, had you explained that to me, when we discussed it. I assure you I only wished to help, not harm you in any way. Please let me know what I can do to help fix any misunderstanding which may have occurred.

Gary