Hi, my brothers.

I'm glad that my brother, Tommy came here. I told him that liking it, etc was nothing to be ashamed nor guilty of.
(Believe me that is easier said than done). And if we think that we were unique, we are wrong.
I invite Tommy & my other brothers out there to go into the sexual identity forum. Go to page 16 and you will see us two boys there. Yep, Tommy. You will see little Tommy, little Pete and all of our little other brothers there too.

Yes my brother Tommy, we are two boys whom fell in love with our abusers. They told us that they loved us. That's the hard part to deal with. We told them that we loved them, the other hard part.

We loved what they did to us..in the name of love of course. I have been acting out in my sexual fantasises for 60 years. With him always being there in anything that i have done sexually, and as a compulsive M'bater, gay porn seeker he and i are always there together in my mind. I can see him & i can feel him.

I/we have carried that baggage into our adult lives. We never let them go, we never realised that what they had done was criminal.


So my brother little Tommy & big Tommy, along with little Pete & big Pete have a hard and difficult task ahead of us.
It's going to be painful & emotionally exhausting i guess that we will have to go deep inside of ourselves & reprogram/rewire our heart, mind & soul.

The reward that i am now seeking for being like you Tommy a special boy then is to take little Pete's hand we will talk about it, we will (hopefully) cry about it. We will overcome it.

Our brothers here will see to it & they will guide us along our way.

Heal well my brother ((((((Tommy)))))), heal well.

"I will take that lost boys hand, and i will lead him from the depths of darkness, forever into eternity." As he is me.

Love & blessings to all my brothers here. As here i am home.

Pete..Irishmoose.

All,

Its so hard to seperate everything. I can't change how I felt while doing it with him, but im trying to change how I feel about him now, and what our relationship really was. This isn't going to be easy, and im scared. I was so special to him, I mattered. I felt so loved, not just sexually, but physically and emotionally as well. This is so hard.

Tommy

Sorry to post here guys... but....

I saw my new counselor (EMDR) last week for our first meeting. What did I say about Randy? He abused me in every way, assaulted me when I told him I was leaving AND he was the most PASSIONATE towards me as anyone else I have ever known in my life.

Maybe that's it? Confusing passion for love?

Just a thought...

This topic has me in knots also, I have been grapling with the understanding that decades of acting out was my way of gaining control over the abusive relationship. I have a hard time with the guilt that I sought out the encounters and porn and all my fantasies, like you said pete.

I become upset that I continue to have these thoughts and put myself in risky situations in order to gain acceptance from an older man.

I work at recovery but this isn't changing.

You guys are very brave.

You're doing my work too.

Thank you.

'"I will take that lost boys hand, and i will lead him from the depths of darkness, forever into eternity." As he is me.'

Pete whenever I read this it touches such a deep place in me. Just wanted to say that.

My brothers,

My heartfelt thanks for your compassion, understanding & love.

Because of you, my brothers, my family, I am truly home.

Wishing you a peaceful & healing night.

Heal well, my brothers, heal well.

"I will take that lost boys hand, and i will lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunshine, forever into eternity." As he is me.

Pete..Irishmoose.

Triggers


Pete,

Thank you for being brave enough to speak on this topic.

Regurgitating current literature that might be vaguely appropriate - http://ezinearticles.com/?Why-Sexual-Abu...&id=1452258


We are told that no love is wrong, that is a lie.
I love you, in this case, meant I love what you do for me (but I don't care to deal with the consequences).
I understand the feeling, but it is a lie we told ourselves to survive, but it is still a lie.
Realizing that it is a lie is painful, I am doing it now. I have always been loyal beyond all reason and I find that this trait is my worst nightmare. I can rationalize their actions but in the end it has come down to a simple question - Did their actions make my life better or worse, long term? I would not be here if it improved my life, long term.

Their love was wrong.

That was the intellectual side of things, now for the emotional.

Pete, it hurts like a bitch to realize that someone that you loved was hurting you (me) and calling it love.
To stop making excuses I had to realize that the person that I loved most; had manipulated my emotions to satisfy her needs with no thought of my well-being.

Pete, it wasn't love that he was giving you, it was lies.

I can'[t end this with that line, no matter how powerful I think it night be.

Pete, you are an amazing man please never forget it.

Please read my tagline (and the linked article)

Good morning,

I read the article. And I fit it to a T. Except im not afraid I will die if I stop loving him and what we did, im afraid i'll never feel that way again. I haven't had a meaningful relationship sine John (my ''abuser''). Now im a man, no longer that cute little boy. I don't want to be left alone for the rest of my life. I don't know if my life is worse or better. Im successful, educated, compassionate, caring. If all these were because of pleasuring John, then my life is only smoke and mirrors, right?

What he did hurt physically, but that pain went away after a while. It turned into pleasure. Emotionally, it never hurt, it always felt good. Im so conflicted. Why can't I be angry?

Tommy

Mike,

That is a really good article to read. It certainly sheds a lot of light onto how we're wired for survival, but just how that hard wiring causes problems with "out of the ordinary" things like CSA. Well worth the read, thank you!

Gary

Tommy,

It's all a learning process for any of us... you'll get to that stage of recovery eventually... have patience, my friend!

All those wonderful qualities you possess are from you, you made those happen, not John, not smoke and mirrors.

Gary