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#357095 - 03/19/11 08:38 PM Forbidden pleasures
petercorbett Online   content
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2435
Loc: TEXAS
Hi, my brothers. ****May be triggering to some****

One would think that the older one gets, the wiser he gets. That after we get older & more knowledgeable about what had happened to us we would learn to navigate away from the rocks in our path.

I have gained vast amounts of knowledge about myself, just who & what i am in these last almost 2 years than i ever knew about myself in the previous 70.

I love that little boy Pete. I am in awe off his survival skills over all these years. Including me trying to drown him in alcohol & running away from him.
I really didn't know completely what the reason i was trying to drown him for, nor why i was trying to run away from him. Perhaps it was because of the emotional, physical & mental abuse. I had known that all my life.
The same can be said of the sexual abuse. From 5-16 years old those sexual things happening to me i did not know was wrong. And it would take 55 years after the last act. For me to find out that those forbidden pleasures were wrong.

It is written in the guide Victims No Longer, by Mike Lew, Men & feelings page 53 "Finally, try and not to berate yourself for not having done this sooner, or to feel that the task is hopeless. You couldn't have done it a minute earlier. You simply weren't ready."

I have tried to understand that little boy named Pete. I surely didn't ever think that i was ready for him to come home to me.

I can understand him wishing that his "mom" was dead. I have no regrets about that part. We hated each other. She taught me fear & hate for girls/females.

I can understand him adopting the person whom had given him love, nurturing, attention, held me in his arms whispering to me I love you. He gave me pleasures. Pleasures that i have always enjoyed in my memory & during my sexual acts. He was not a parent nor was he a member of the family. But as far as this boy was concerned i loved him. And i told him so. He loved me and he told me so. I always enjoyed, liked, wanted more and went instigating it. He & others taught me how to love a man.

So, here i am today. These last few days have been both triggering & pure hell for me. Yes, that older & wiser guy. The guy who is learning how to control his sexuality. Plus his emotions.

One day i go from having tears run down my cheeks & choking up because i watched a TV program where a poor mother with kids & no father around was trying to make life better for them. She was showering her love on them & they were doing the same in return. I felt deep sorrow for little Pete. What had we missed?
With the help of Todd (obi) he got me out from the depths of darkness on that.

And on the same evening i start to think about my sexuality & those pleasures from men that i have enjoyed over my life time. I go into the gay porn site.
I want so much to share my love with a partner. But for now i share those forbidden pleasures with Ralph. He is still very much in my mind and soul. No matter that i thought that i had purged him from me. So i have gone into the gay porno site again and there i get my emotions, sexuality & pleasures back. No tears there.

For you see it is him & me there. We are doing everything depicted there together. I still love him & no matter how hard i try i just cannot let him go. I cannot say that those were forbidden pleasures now, because that's all i know & feel that's where my sexual emotions really are.
I loved him, I told him so. He loved me, he told me so.

Am I leading that little Pete from the darkness into the sunshine? Or am I keeping him a victim because i want those pleasures now? After over a hundred T sessions. After a 12 week PTSD therapy session, after four emotionally exhausting WoR's and those books by Mike Lew, Stephen D. Grubman-Black, Mik Hunter, Tom Wilken & Timothy L. Sanders.
I have kept myself that victim boy, but now in a mans skin.
I haven't learned much at all. So much for wisdom.

I had to get this off my chest. I thank my brothers for hearing my cries & feeling my fears.

Heal well my brothers heal well.

Pete..Irishmoose.

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#357096 - 03/19/11 08:47 PM Re: Forbidden pleasures [Re: petercorbett]
mrwhiskers Offline


Registered: 02/22/04
Posts: 193
((((((pete)))))))

Gabriel

_________________________
"Dont be scared... angels r here" Maria Fernanda (Mafer)

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#357098 - 03/19/11 09:33 PM Re: Forbidden pleasures [Re: mrwhiskers]
itrahan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/02/10
Posts: 96
Loc: Louisiana, Gulf Coast
Oh my Sequoia Brother,
I wish you well, to be so courageous traveling to a very dark place emtionally to reveal your truth while searching for authenticity. You have my respect & admiratation.

Ivan


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#357109 - 03/20/11 05:12 AM Re: Forbidden pleasures [Re: itrahan]
1.healing Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/10/10
Posts: 261
Loc: NW Ohio

(((((Pete)))))

Please check your PM's


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#357119 - 03/20/11 10:39 AM Re: Forbidden pleasures [Re: 1.healing]
Dewey Offline
Member

Registered: 11/13/02
Posts: 137
Loc: the sunshine state
Pete, It was abuse!It was Childhood Sexual Abuse. It was not a relationship. I know it felt like "love" but he used you for his pleasure! Let me ask you this. At five years old, would you EVER have initiated sexual contact with a man? You didn't even know what sex was Pete! You say you love little Pete, good, I'm sure you do. Then love him enough to pull him away and protect him from that perpetrator. Cry your guts out for him. It never should have happened to you buddy. Doesn't matter how your little heart and body responded to the attention. It was God Damned abuse.
I love you bro', keep going! Dan

_________________________
I refuse to use my past as an excuse to not have a future.
My hero Dad; Trigger warning- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Oi3Hyxuf5AE

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#357133 - 03/20/11 12:06 PM Re: Forbidden pleasures [Re: Dewey]
RecoveryReady1 Offline


Registered: 12/05/10
Posts: 433
Dewey....finally a voice of reason....I was starting to wonder....


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#357171 - 03/20/11 11:33 PM Re: Forbidden pleasures [Re: RecoveryReady1]
Dewey Offline
Member

Registered: 11/13/02
Posts: 137
Loc: the sunshine state
Pete, I was going to PM you, but feel that this needs to be out in the open where others might benefit from it as well. I have to say a couple things. (1) We speak from experience. We know about the nice things that perpetrators say and do. They take unsuspecting kids that may be starved for love and feed them garbage. Then the kid learns to function on garbage as a main staple of their diet. We ate, drank, slept, and woke according to the input that they gave us.....garbage! Think of who you would be if you never had met Ralph. Think how clear your thoughts would be, think of all the guilt you never would have had to endure. Think of the bliss you would have as a family man who is confident rather than a looming sense of foreboding.
(2) It's easier for me to be empathetic for you than for myself. Grieving for others has brought me to tears that have helped me immensely. This healing is possible, but we have to face the painful truth. I'm really getting wound-up by this hook that he still has in your jaw. I could walk away and pretend it's none of my business. It's not my business, it's your business, it's your life. You have some years left. It just really, really makes me spittin' mad that I spent 35 years being "nice". Wishing that my 7th grade counselor would somehow come back and sweep me off my feet and do all the things he said he was going to do.I pity that man. He has major problems. Think about this Pete, why don't you picture yourself stepping out of your sons lives when they were five, (just barely out of diapers by the way)and letting Ralph "love" them. Sounds like a good idea right? I mean he "loved" you and only prospered you and never hurt you in any way so I'm sure he'd do a super warm loving job with your sons. Right? I don't think so Pete. Thank God you were there to protect them from the Ralphies. Arghhhh! Don't get me started!

_________________________
I refuse to use my past as an excuse to not have a future.
My hero Dad; Trigger warning- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Oi3Hyxuf5AE

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#357215 - 03/21/11 02:20 PM Re: Forbidden pleasures [Re: Dewey]
petercorbett Online   content
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2435
Loc: TEXAS
*****WARNING MAY BE TRIGGERING****AND GRAPHIC****WARNING****

I had answered this in a PM. But i feel that it should be here too. Perhaps it will be of help to some of my brothers out there.

My brothers this topic has consumed most of my energy in these last few days. It is something that i will have to finally come to terms with. It is something that i have to do not only for little Pete, but me too. And the sooner that i do, the healthier (mentally) i will become, and be able to confront other related issues head on.
Here goes, remember the warning.
My brothers in healing.

One of my problems right now is that i still don't believe in myself, and if i can't then how could i believe in a God?

But, i did believe in all that emotional, physical & mental abuse that she had drilled into her sons heart & soul.
Being that i was considered to have been useless, worthless & would never amount to anything young boy.

I was already trying to prove her wrong. And Ralph would be the one who loved me & i him would be my teacher. I firmly believed that he loved me and i loved him. I would prove my love & usefulness to him. I was going to be the best boy analy for him & orally to him. After all he whispered in my ear often "i love you." It even went as far as me going willingly with those strange men, as i thought they loved me too. No matter how much it had physically hurt at times, I was going to prove my "mom" wrong to myself.

As hard as this might be to believe i had never knew that what he was doing to me as sexual abuse, until August of '08 when it came into my conscious mind after reading the book Abused Boys..Sexually abused boy's by Mic Hunter. Then it hit home.

I had always thought that what my "mom"was doing to me was what all mothers do to their sons.

The same went for Ralph. i did not realise that it was sexual abuse until the same time. He has been with me all my life especially when i was M'ing as that young boy & even into my adult years. He was there in all my sexual fantasies. As you already know I always thought it was about love.

In all those WoR's that i had attended, i had tried to burn, bury & purge from my soul both my "mom" & Ralph. From my very being. I even went to church asking for help from God.
But i am still suffering those pains trying to come to the rightful conclusion that Ralph did not love me. What he had done was a criminal act against me. And, my brothers, i am still blinded by his (false) love for me, and i for him.

But in this last few weeks or so you, my brothers here, the face to face help from Todd (obi) as a guest in his heart & home, and my other brothers here and in the GBTQ healing circle have come to my aid. Came to me in brotherhood, like you and not preaching but trying to guide me. Desperately trying to get me to see the truth. Believe me, my brothers i am trying. It is very painful and it will require me to completely rerwire my brain, heart & soul.

To take little Pete's hand and lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunshine, forever into eternity. As he is me. I can do no less for that courageous little boy.

Your love, compassion & understanding for this boy/man will lead him on to the right path to recovery. As does that same compassion from my other brothers here does too.

From the depths of my soul, i thank you all for your help & prayers for that lost boy/man.

Yes my brother Dewey, i can see there was no real love for me. Just power and control over a boy looking for someone to hold him & love him. Nothing more & nothing less. Now to convince myself..a work in progress.

Some sentences have been worded differently from the pm one.

Heal well, my brothers,in healing, heal well.

"I will take that lost boys hand, and i will lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunshine, forever into eternity." As he is me.

Pete..Irishmoose.





Edited by petercorbett (03/21/11 06:29 PM)
Edit Reason: added a word
_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#357227 - 03/21/11 05:09 PM Re: Forbidden pleasures [Re: petercorbett]
risingagain Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/10
Posts: 595
Loc: Vancouver, BC, Canada
U know... when I want to excuse my dad for what he did, I get this feeling of 'i just want to feel OK' and 'make me feel OK again'

i just go crazy

because it's a crazy thought

it's like saying 'i don't know what love is, so i'll take the only thing i've known'.

and what kind of soul sellout is that, brother?

you're worth more, much more


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#357280 - 03/21/11 11:47 PM Re: Forbidden pleasures [Re: risingagain]
trb1345 Offline


Registered: 03/09/11
Posts: 73
Loc: NY
Kinda scared...but here goes...

Im Tommy, Pete's new friend. I have to agree with Pete. Its so hard to seperate things...love from abuse. I wasn't beaten, I wasn't emotionally berated. But I was a boring little boy. My siblings are all older than me. When John first started having sex with me, I was 10, and my oldest sister was graduating college. I didn't do anything special, I just played with Tonka trucks and kicked soccer balls. How boring I must have been. I only had one friend too. Then John came into my life and I became a special boy. I learned to do things that made him feel so good, and the things he did to me felt so good too. I asked for it so many times.

I loved him, and like Pete I told him so. And like Ralph, John told me he loved me. I believe it still. I feel so conflicted. I loved how it felt, but that makes me feel dirty, guilty, and ashamed. All I wanted to do was to be a good boy, to make him feel good, and get my reward. I was a good boy, his special boy, and that's all I have to hold onto. Sorry, I cant do anymore right now.

Tommy

_________________________
Inside all of us there's a wild thing.

-My favorite book.

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