Newest Members
JayNL, Robert Barrett, lostsoul824, beatcook, MassGuy
12279 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
melnjams (42), rage (27)
Who's Online
0 registered (), 22 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12279 Members
73 Forums
63191 Topics
441852 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 3 1 2 3 >
Topic Options
#355531 - 03/04/11 08:51 AM Why did I let it happen?
bluejay Offline


Registered: 02/23/11
Posts: 51
First on my list, how could I have let it happen?

A 20 year old guy is supposed to be able to defend himself correct? How could I have been so blind, so unaware, so weak in my mind, heart and spirit that I could simply give up and be shaken to my core just from a glance?

I had only stopped by the house for maybe 10 minutes, if that, just to pick up the rest of my things. It was the middle of the day, my father was at work and no one was at home. I never heard his car, I didn't hear the front door open, and I didn't hear him coming up the stairs.

Hours later when it was over and I was alone again I thought about his timing. I realized that my middle brother was the only person who knew I was going there that day. It all made sense that once again he set the stage for another one of my oldest brothers insane and complex acts of violence toward me.

WHY?

I am in so much pain over that simple little three letter word. Why?

I crawled into the closet and remained there in the dark and kept asking myself over and over, why did I let this happen?


Top
#355547 - 03/04/11 10:59 AM Re: Why did I let it happen? [Re: bluejay]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
Bluejay,

Sexual Abuse/assault has a "vale" over it. It is very common for the victim/survivor to make excuses and take the blame. IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT.

Yes, a healthy 20-yr old can see the "vale" but things this past assaults are mind altering events.

As an adult, I have allowed assaults to happen as I was still under the vale of being ok with the sexual assaults.

Be gentle with yourself as you evaluate the happenings of your assaults.

Donnie



Edited by Avery46 (03/05/11 11:47 AM)
_________________________
aka DJsport

Top
#355592 - 03/04/11 08:20 PM Re: Why did I let it happen? [Re: Avery46]
prisonerID Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/08
Posts: 1247
Loc: Oklahoma
bluejay,

I read over what you wrote and thought of how many times I have thought something similar for myself. I was in my late twenties and I froze rather than fight back against the two men. I honestly thought I could out think them right up to the point the sexual assaults began. And all the years since I have wrestled with why I could not stop it. Why could I not prevent it in the first place? Why did I not even be more watchful and aware?

You were set up and ambushed. You should not blame yourself for not having every angle in the world figured out. Just like I could not either. My last therapist asked me if a man my age at the time of the assaults knew everything. If he, third person, would be able to see around every corner in life and predict all the bad things that can happen in life. And putting my story into third person helped me to see that "he" could not have seen what was coming. And "he" could not have fought off two guys - one having a knife and one a gun. I just have to keep applying that to "me" and I am doing better at that these days.

I would suggest you try the third person scenario for yourself. See if the twenty year old in this really is at fault.

Being an adult man does not make us any less a victim on those nights just because of our gender or our age. I can be a "victim no longer" and be a survivor now but I cannot let go of being a victim that night. For that then places the blame and shame back on me. And we do not deserve to wear that mantle.

It was not your fault. It never was and never will be.


Daryl

_________________________
Broad statements often miss their true mark.

Top
#355598 - 03/04/11 09:50 PM Re: Why did I let it happen? [Re: prisonerID]
Michael Murphy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/02/11
Posts: 19
Loc: United States
Bluejay,

First I wan to say I'm Sorry, And its in no way your fault. LET ME SAY IT AGAIN-NOT YOR FAULT. Just because we are grown up does not mean we do not get afraid or freeze up. Im a grown man too. But when I get afraid I shut down too.... I am here for you, just let me or anyone else here if we can help.

Mike Murphy

_________________________
Michael Murphy

Top
#355611 - 03/05/11 07:31 AM Re: Why did I let it happen? [Re: Michael Murphy]
earlybird Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/10
Posts: 1007
Loc: WA USA
Bluejay,

The question of “why” haunts nearly all of us as I believe it should. Why another person would derive pleasure from injuring others is a “why” that there is no legitimate answer therefor leaving the injured questioning. I know I want my rapists to explain to me, why. They never will, which will leave me wrestling with all the “whys” though there will never be an answer that will satisfy my questioning.

I’d like to revisit another part of your “why” which several men here have responded to and I must as well. Your question of “why did you not stop it”. That is a question, that at the route, blames you (the victim) shifting responsibility from the guilty (your dad). I hope you can hear each of us as we share our learned understanding – rape at any age is not the victims fault. It 100% the fault of the rapists. No “whys” about it.

My heart and thoughts go out to you as so do so many others here. We are on similar journeys and as difficult a travel this is we can and will learn how to help each other along to a place of healing. Earl

_________________________
Balanced (My goal)

There is symmetry
In self-reflection
Life exemplified
Grace personified

Top
#355668 - 03/05/11 08:07 PM Re: Why did I let it happen? [Re: earlybird]
oriolesguy Offline


Registered: 08/12/08
Posts: 106
Loc: Long Island, NY
Hey Blue Jay (you a Toronto Blue Jays fan??),
Every so often I do what you do, and that is bounce the blame game around in my brain until I think I've exhausted all the possibilities. And for some reason we blame ourselves. At least I did, since I blamed MY behavior and MY being in that place for at least part of what happened.

But we have to get back to the basics. None of us ever asked to have that happen. We weren't looking for it. And we are in no way responsible.

If you read my story, you'll see what I mean. I was lured on by a young lady and offered sex on a platter. And I fell for it. Once in her apartment, I got nailed by four guys. And so often I blamed myself because I was looking for sex, and I shouldn't have been. My logic became..... my fault. I shouldn't have been looking for sex. And I even, for awhile, believed that I got what I deserved. And I sense that you're falling for that false sense of logic.

So often we ask why, and there just is no answer. I never knew my attackers, yet I constantly asked "why?" I won't get the answer, so I'm left to think it through on my own, and this is what I think. Plain and simply put, there are people in this world who are evil, through and through, and have no regard for anyone else. The one who murders, steals, destroys, and thinks only of himself, and yes, rapes. Unfortunately, we have crossed path with some of those evil humans, but we ourselves have done none of those things. We are victims, however, and victims should never feel the guilt imposed on them by their attackers. The guilt, shame, embarrassment, and worthlessness belong to my attackers. NOT me, although they'd like those things to be mine.

My attackers almost won, when I came very close to suicide. But in the end, they haven't won. I can be confident that, at this point, my life is probably much better than theirs. How screwed up their thinking - and their lives - must be.

Rest assured that you are guiltless. Everyone knows it. You just need to have that self-confidence in yourself to know that not only are you innocent of any wrongdoing, but you're a much greater human than so many others who have done what they did. Never forget that.

Oriolesguy





Edited by oriolesguy (03/05/11 08:10 PM)

Top
#357010 - 03/18/11 02:42 PM Re: Why did I let it happen? [Re: oriolesguy]
bluejay Offline


Registered: 02/23/11
Posts: 51
I read over the replies here again and wanted to respond back first and foremost saying thank you for your understanding of the situation and support. I wish it weren't the case, but I'm glad I'm not alone with this.

I understand that there is no answer to the question why, and even if an answer presented itself would I say "Ah, now I understand and that makes it ok." I think not. I do not believe it will ever be ok. I think that by the time this event happened I was already so cowed down by my brother that it was just an automatic response to what I knew was going to happen. With that said, do you think it's possible to change that response when new things come up?

I hope this makes sense.

Jason


Top
#357011 - 03/18/11 02:44 PM Re: Why did I let it happen? [Re: bluejay]
bluejay Offline


Registered: 02/23/11
Posts: 51
Oriolesguy, no sorry I am not a Toronto Blue Jays fan. It's the Bruins for this guy smile I got the nick-name bluejay as a kid, when I happened to my hands on a gallon of blue paint!


Top
#357019 - 03/18/11 04:03 PM Re: Why did I let it happen? [Re: bluejay]
prisonerID Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/08
Posts: 1247
Loc: Oklahoma
bluejay,

Let me begin by saying that yes I do believe that this can be overcome. You are very right in that pre-conditioning makes a difference in how we react and respond to situations. I still, twenty years later, have those reflexive responses from my assault.

Whatever may have shaped your reactions and responses then can be altered with realization, hard work and a good therapist. But I do believe this can be turned around to where it is to a lesser degree.

I hope I never have to find out but I do wonder if I would still freeze after all these years if confronted in the same manner I was twenty years ago. But I must admit to a certain curiosity about it.


Daryl

_________________________
Broad statements often miss their true mark.

Top
#357407 - 03/23/11 02:02 AM Re: Why did I let it happen? [Re: prisonerID]
1.healing Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/10/10
Posts: 261
Loc: NW Ohio

Hi Jason,

I think everyone here would agree with you that there is nothing OK about your older brother assaulting you, that there is no excuse, reason or explanation that could ever make that OK, ever! Also not OK was your middle brother setting you up, not OK at all.

What most of us mean by "OK With It" is, developing and having skills that allow you to deal with it in healthy ways and taking charge of your life in ways that are good for you. So that you're OK in how your dealing with it and how you're feeling about dealing with it. I hope this makes some sense?

I was cowed by my perp cousin Steve years before he sexually abused me, I know what your saying about it. There's even a term for it GROOMING. We are groomed to be easier prey for the perpetrator, less resistant, and yes, even a look from them can freeze you in your tracks.

You can definitely learn to change the response and, my friend, when you do you are going to feel a lot of the power he took from you literally reenter your body and soul, it is electric! It is an amazing thing and I know it will one day happen for you, but it's about keeping with the work, that's what gets you there.

So keep on keeping with it!

Gary

_________________________
"It's never too late to be what you might have been."

George Elliot

"You cannot find peace by avoiding life."

Virginia Woolf

Top
Page 1 of 3 1 2 3 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, peroperic2009 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.