I was talking to my wife about this issue yesterday. I think I have a what I call "emotional" attachment to performing oral sex on a male. I do not get sexually attracted to males I encounter, and I do not find gay pornography appealing or arousing. I'm trying to find the words to explain...

In my mind I close my eyes and feel the closeness/warmth of the person and the intimacy. I compare it to snuggling up with your favorite blanket and watching comforting movies, that kind of feeling. I feel safe, protected, and comforted while doing it. But the physical sexual attraction I have to women is not there, it is purely an emotional pleasure. I do not perform oral sex on men since getting in a relationship with my now wife, but my wife thinks that there is an underlying reason I get such emotional comfort from it linking back to the abuse I suffered throughout my youth. But I am desperately searching for my identity or "label" I guess, and I wonder if I am bisexual without being sexually attracted to a man, just performing oral sex.

IA:
What you describe is something many male survivors around here have talked about frequently (check out some of the archived threads in this forum).

The key element is the lack of romantic or the seeking emotional comfort. For some, the sexual abuse (particularly when non-violent and by someone who has/had a relationship with the victim) is a way of reconnecting to the good feelings that may have come from performing on the abuser, for example.

I don't think you are bisexual but just attempting to gain a sense of control in the act or looking for the emotional connection.

Unless someone's interest in men and women is the same, i don't believe they are bisexual. This is basically why i don't really believe in bisexuality, as i've never come across someone whose interest in women was the same as their interest in men. It's always predominantly sexual for one, predominantly romantic for the other.

Hello All. I'm new to the group so let me say at the outset that I offer my comments with respect and consideration.

I identify as bisexual and I am relatively active in the bisexual movement. Current definitions of bisexuality within the movement itself speak about the potential to be emotionally, romantically, and/or physically attracted to people of more than one gender without attractions having to be evenly divided. Furthermore, the movement tends to emphasize the fluidity of sexuality over our lifetimes.(http://www.bisexualindex.org.uk/index.php/Bisexuality#binary).

Other online resources to consider for further exploration are BiNetUSA (http://www.binetusa.org/)and the Bisexual Resource Center (http://biresource.net/). [In the interest of full disclosure, I participate in BiNetUSA and I was involved with the Bisexual Resource Center.] I consider both to be excellent resources in themselves which can also give you leads to other sources of information.

In healing and peace,
Peter

Hello, I haven't been on here in a month or so and this topic caught an interest...

I was abused several times by a childhood neighbor of mine who was only a year apart from me. He made me do things to him orally and while all at the same time I had no idea what was going on (I was around the age of 6 or 7). I knew it wasn't right because we were caught in the act by our parents one time and I remember them saying it was wrong. Every time after that he would close the door or do stuff behind the door.

Now that im older (26) i've never had a relationship. I'm trying to figure this all out and maybe some of you can help. I have had many sexual intercourse occasions with women, I find women attractive, sexy, beautiful ect. but they have all been a one time happening. I don't trust people who are not close to me at all. I get very anxious around social situations and prefer not to be in them. But I'm more comfortable around males (maybe because I feel more like "one of the guys"). Sure there are men that i find handsome or attractive, but i feel the same way about women. Just don't think i could do something with another man. I'm questioning myself because of the fact that ive never been in a relationship (with a woman) and am scared of closeness and judgement from others.

If you read my Introduction article I explain my misfortune (the abuse, drugs, feelings ect.) in more detail. Hope there are some explanations and encouragements you brothers have.

Much help,
lgDan

hi
i was the same at your age , questioning my sexuality and thinking of men, i think this was the age that i started looking into things and maybe wanting to try.

i too love women and relationships with them but still struggle.
i like to be one of the lads but do sometimes want totry things too and it seems more so as i get older .

i too was abused at a young age and it has confused my sexuality.

I think gay or bi are all labels and you can be different at different times, at the same time there is nothing wrong with looking into your sexuality.
some people say outright they are gay sometimes they say bi some are str8 with homosexual tendencies.

I personally think i am str8 but have tendenicies at times to want to go with a guy then its out of my system..

i think the reallity is its not wrong to try to find yourself .

i think the croud thing too is about being in control, its similar to me sexually if a guy comes on to me i hate it , if the gf stands behind me and suddenly cuddles me i back off, but if i do the chasing or cuddling i am ok, because i am in control.

We all spend our lives being judged in different situations , this shouldn`t control life as much as it does ,its about being comfortable with and liking yourself which i know how hard that is to do.

Dont feel ashamed or guilty about any same sex thoughts , try to think it through if it is obsession or a liking.

hope i made some sense not very good at explaining things but i know where you are it is where i still am

good luck

I know I am new here but I thought I would share my experience. I realize now later in life 30, that because of the abuse I suffered as a child and pre teen turned me into a "hyper sexual person" obsessed with masturbating, obsessed with sexual activity with other males although I was attracted to females and had sexual relations with them also. I was in a same sex relationship in my 20's because I told myself I must be bisexual... but I felt very inadequate as a man. I felt that I was to effeminate to be with a woman although I cheated on my male partner with women through out the entire relationship. Today and for the past four years I have felt in my heart I am heterosexual, but have continued to perform sexual acts with men at certain times, for what reason I do not know. Hopefully a therapist is going to help me see the answer to that. I do not enjoy intimacy, or sexual encounters with men, and I do not find myself attracted to them although when it comes to viewing porn I have a large collection of solo pictures of nude men. That is about where it stops for me. I like to look at men's bodies but when it comes to any kind of interaction it bothers me. That is where I get stuck. I have been extremely promiscuous in my life, I was also a sexworker. What I have concluded just through my own reflection is that I am a closeted heterosexual. That I do get aroused by looking at other men is very confusing. But today I do know what I want out of life which is a relationship with a woman.

That probably did not help much, but I thought I would share to let you know I too have had a life long battle with understanding my sexual orientation, and why I am attracted to this and that.

This is such a tough and confusing issue. It is very non-linear and subject to our libidos, so our hormones and deep centers in our brain influence how we behave.

There are a few things that are key that took me a looonnnnggggg time to figure out with the help of T , ms and my ex-wife.

1. First as a survivor your never entitled to your own feelings so there is the suppression of even being honest with ourselves.
2. The attraction to men is a given so the question then becomes are we str8 with ssa or are we really gay?
3. It is complicated by the hypersexualization that happens to us as a result of the early neural connections in our brain, those areas are woken- up those areas long b4 they would naturally so the imprints from that early time influence us later.
4. Because of the hypersexualization we get arroused by just about anything, so we can respond to both sexes. I was able to fall in love and feel connected. But there was always something missing, I would be satisfied but not feel complete but I didn't really understand it.
5. The compartments break down over time as my T said and the ssa became stronger. I would have never dreamed of kissing a guy or being intimate, i thought that was gross. But that all changed when he kissed me and made love to me, at first i resisted the kiss. But I realized that it somehow felt right it was not about the sex. It was like an epiphany.
6. Pheromones are important.
7. Who do u dream about? Fantasize about.
8. Its complicated. There are no easy answers just trust your gut.

I hope you can get to who you truly are. Just be ok with being yourself.

8. What images are in ur brain when u ejaculate, if you are in the moment when your with a woman, and there is no thread or thought of men, your likely a str8 guy. But if your like me, as time went on I could not finish without thinking about a guy. I hope you can get to who you truly are. I had to be ready to be open to the possibilities one way or another. Just be ok with being yourself. [/quote]



I dont agree with this one. I was sexually abused by my father when I was 5 years old, and the abuse caused me to orgasm. So sometimes (about 30-40% of the time) when I masturbate an "image" of a man comes in my head right at the end while ejaculating. I say image with quotations because the male is figure less, it just FEELS like its a man. In my case its obviously me reliving that very first orgasm I ever had while being abused! so since I had an intense emotional attachment and "bond" with my dad, because I was groomed, seduced, was told I was "pretty" and was abused to orgasm, Those images or feelings or whatever are going to be in my head forever and they dont make me gay however. I have had unbelievable orgasms with women in the moment, sometimes the "image" would pop in at times but many Times I would be in the moment staring at a girls bodypart to get off., its when I masturbate where the thoughts or images pop in more intensely. Any time I have had a SSA attraction in the moment I am brought back to a child like state, passive, unsure of myself, anxiety ridden and defensive. When I feel in control (or perceive I am) the SSA isnt there or its very weak. Now my issues with women are a whole other story. I get strong emotional connections with women, I am a giver during sex and always get off thinking she is getting off , But past the sex and cuddling etc I can close off, I am recently separated because my wife found out I cheated on her several times in the past with other girls. I now see I also have severe co-dependency issues and control issues I need to work on. Sadly enough I believe I haven't uncovered all my abuse yet as I think my brother also abused me. Now that Im alone its VERY tough, I came out with the abuse only 7 weeks ago and my whole life I thought the SSA I had meant I was gay. I repressed or denied my abuse and was confused by my thoughts and feelings at times towards men. My father emasculated me and that can bring issues of not being man enough for a girl. As a 5'9 205 pound bodybuilder the only way I know how to be "manly" is to be super aggressive and intimidating, which pushes people further away from me. I hope to heal someday, accept my SSA for what it is fully and not fear it and to fall in love again with a woman I can trust and tell her EVERYTHING about me. I also hope to heal my relationships with men and not always be "one of the boys" or compete against guys to make myself feel better, but to have a loving, open emotional, trusting NON sexual relationship with one. So in conclusion, unless you have NEVER enjoyed sex or emotional bonding with a woman your most likely not gay BUT could be some degree bi-sexual. For some of us the sex (or thought of) with guys is us "fixing" our abuse or deeper then that its to re connect that "love" you once thought you had via abuse. Again everyone is different and I think for us that are survivors of CSA, especially in my case where it was my father and I was 5, sexuality can be blurred and fucked up. I can say TODAY I am heterosexual with some wires crossed due to abuse. That has to be good enough for now.- Peace - Joe

It will come to you when you are ready.

well of course at 5 years old part of me enjoyed the emotional connection wit my father during the abuse, so even if it was pleasurable DURING the orgasm again says nothing about my sexuality and everything to do with goin back to that little boy who although scared was stimulated and also groomed and "loved" by his dad. Its AFTER the orgrasm I feel terrible and upset, because yes it isnt congruent with my sexuality. From what I have read and what therapists have told me is you try and "fix" the abuse by taking charge (in fantasy) and being in control and making it pleasureable. Like you said earlier everyone is different and so is thier journey, everyone has an opinion on abuse and sexuality and one T may say one thing and another T another. I think CSAS have it way different then ASAS , especially if it was a loved one that was the abuser. For ME, I see how my abuse has affected my sexuality, I have no desire to be in love with a man, to be in a relationship etc. I DO have a need to be intimate with a man in a non sexual way though. I love women, the "hunt' for a woman and all the kissing, going to each base etc. Women feel safe and women feel right for ME.

This whole issue is more than enough to screw with your heart, mind and soul and is a major part of my work I do with male survivors (FTR, I am also a survivor of csa/rape)

Have a read of my take on it and it answers loads of questions often posed by guys when they ask.."Am I....."

Sexuality

thanks so much for all these responses. A lifetime battle this is. How many times i've had achievements or accomplishments but when compliments come i can only think about if they only knew what kinds of thoughts and desires run through my mind they would be disguisted. Will i ever be able to feel good about myself. Abuse from what i believed to be a loving older cousin,have stayed with me to this day. Why the thoughts of re enacting those situations when i was very feminized by him when i was so innocent about such things

We were all wounded and con fused by being sexually abused.

The behavior I developed in response to the abuse is something I need to face, explore and be honest about. Continuing this behavior-escapism, avoidance, addiction, numbing out, acting out, etc only compounds my confusion, weakens me, and keeps me unhealthy.

At the root, I need connection and intimacy-these are skills that were damaged and sexualized by the SA. My anger and need to control are reactions to the abuse also that require honest evaluation and re-direction.

Getting to know myself intimately is the hardest work of recovery. The old messages about not being worthy and being a male who could be abused run deep.

I do know that the longer I stay away from sexual acting out and getting wasted, the better I feel about myself.

It has. I am and always have been straight with bisexual tendencies from being sexually abused, manipluated and groomed by my father when I was 5 years old. Pretty simple actually. I was making it more complicated then it was. I like girls, I like sex with girls, I fantsize 90% of the time to girls, I feel more comfortable in the straight community. Almost all my attractions to males are a throwback to my abuse and its extremely Rare in person that I feel sexual or have sexual thoughts towards a man vs always wondering what that girl kisses like or what her **** smells and looks like. Done deal. Also when im feeling the best about myself I have an urge to flirt with and talk to girls. When im unsure of myself I seek attention more from men.

I don't know if I would have been sexual with a male when I was younger. I'm in my late 40's now. For a number of reasons, I *had* to be "NOT GAY." In my early 40's, I realized this and let go of the anger I had towards homosexuals. Even so, I've always been str8. I have had fantasies about men and gay sex, but compared to the desire I have towards women - it's insignificant. The quantity of desire and quality (i.e. romantic and sexual) towards women is such a leap above and beyond what I feel towards men that I'm not worried about it. Also, I have had numerous opportunities to have gay sex (and no one would have known) and did not. [It's not that I felt "above" it or I "chose" not to, I was simply getting off in a different way.]
My CSA ended when I was 5. When it happens that early in life, it can cause a real skewed view of your entire world view.

It has been a long time since I posted this thread, it has been an up and down battle so far. One week I feel like I'm winning, the next week I feel like I am back to square one. It was amazing reading all of the replies in this thread. Some things that my wife and I have talked about since posting this:

She notices that a lot of times when she tries to show me affection (Hugging, etc. like someone else had mentioned) I shut down and turn cold. She said my facial expression turns blank and my voice turns cold.

We have had no intimacy in over a month now (going a month or two without sex has become common for us) and I have absolutely no urge to be intimate with her. The last couple times we were intimate I seemed to feel like it was being forced and it was not enjoyable. Occasionally it is satisfying to a degree, but 9 times out of 10 I just want it to be over with and close my eyes during sex and imagine I am anywhere but there. The thoughts of performing oral sex on a male come and go as well. She has even offered to bring a male in for that purpose if I thought it would help, but I don't think it would be healthy for us. She doesn't either, but she is trying to help.

Before I met her the only sex I could enjoy was one night stands, male or female. Knowing I would never have to see them again somehow let me objectify them and I did not view them as a person. My relationships prior to her never lasted longer than a couple months because I would turn colder and distance myself. To be honest, my ideal sexual encounter would be with an escort or some service like that where it is strictly sexual and nothing else involved and I can go back to being alone. I have never paid for sex, nor will I for the simple fact it is illegal.

It is physically and mentally draining trying to work through all this stuff. I just want to thank all of you in this thread, it has been such an amazing process reading your stories and what has helped you. I genuinely thank you.