well of course at 5 years old part of me enjoyed the emotional connection wit my father during the abuse, so even if it was pleasurable DURING the orgasm again says nothing about my sexuality and everything to do with goin back to that little boy who although scared was stimulated and also groomed and "loved" by his dad. Its AFTER the orgrasm I feel terrible and upset, because yes it isnt congruent with my sexuality. From what I have read and what therapists have told me is you try and "fix" the abuse by taking charge (in fantasy) and being in control and making it pleasureable. Like you said earlier everyone is different and so is thier journey, everyone has an opinion on abuse and sexuality and one T may say one thing and another T another. I think CSAS have it way different then ASAS , especially if it was a loved one that was the abuser. For ME, I see how my abuse has affected my sexuality, I have no desire to be in love with a man, to be in a relationship etc. I DO have a need to be intimate with a man in a non sexual way though. I love women, the "hunt' for a woman and all the kissing, going to each base etc. Women feel safe and women feel right for ME.

This whole issue is more than enough to screw with your heart, mind and soul and is a major part of my work I do with male survivors (FTR, I am also a survivor of csa/rape)

Have a read of my take on it and it answers loads of questions often posed by guys when they ask.."Am I....."

Sexuality

thanks so much for all these responses. A lifetime battle this is. How many times i've had achievements or accomplishments but when compliments come i can only think about if they only knew what kinds of thoughts and desires run through my mind they would be disguisted. Will i ever be able to feel good about myself. Abuse from what i believed to be a loving older cousin,have stayed with me to this day. Why the thoughts of re enacting those situations when i was very feminized by him when i was so innocent about such things

We were all wounded and con fused by being sexually abused.

The behavior I developed in response to the abuse is something I need to face, explore and be honest about. Continuing this behavior-escapism, avoidance, addiction, numbing out, acting out, etc only compounds my confusion, weakens me, and keeps me unhealthy.

At the root, I need connection and intimacy-these are skills that were damaged and sexualized by the SA. My anger and need to control are reactions to the abuse also that require honest evaluation and re-direction.

Getting to know myself intimately is the hardest work of recovery. The old messages about not being worthy and being a male who could be abused run deep.

I do know that the longer I stay away from sexual acting out and getting wasted, the better I feel about myself.

It has. I am and always have been straight with bisexual tendencies from being sexually abused, manipluated and groomed by my father when I was 5 years old. Pretty simple actually. I was making it more complicated then it was. I like girls, I like sex with girls, I fantsize 90% of the time to girls, I feel more comfortable in the straight community. Almost all my attractions to males are a throwback to my abuse and its extremely Rare in person that I feel sexual or have sexual thoughts towards a man vs always wondering what that girl kisses like or what her **** smells and looks like. Done deal. Also when im feeling the best about myself I have an urge to flirt with and talk to girls. When im unsure of myself I seek attention more from men.

I don't know if I would have been sexual with a male when I was younger. I'm in my late 40's now. For a number of reasons, I *had* to be "NOT GAY." In my early 40's, I realized this and let go of the anger I had towards homosexuals. Even so, I've always been str8. I have had fantasies about men and gay sex, but compared to the desire I have towards women - it's insignificant. The quantity of desire and quality (i.e. romantic and sexual) towards women is such a leap above and beyond what I feel towards men that I'm not worried about it. Also, I have had numerous opportunities to have gay sex (and no one would have known) and did not. [It's not that I felt "above" it or I "chose" not to, I was simply getting off in a different way.]
My CSA ended when I was 5. When it happens that early in life, it can cause a real skewed view of your entire world view.

It has been a long time since I posted this thread, it has been an up and down battle so far. One week I feel like I'm winning, the next week I feel like I am back to square one. It was amazing reading all of the replies in this thread. Some things that my wife and I have talked about since posting this:

She notices that a lot of times when she tries to show me affection (Hugging, etc. like someone else had mentioned) I shut down and turn cold. She said my facial expression turns blank and my voice turns cold.

We have had no intimacy in over a month now (going a month or two without sex has become common for us) and I have absolutely no urge to be intimate with her. The last couple times we were intimate I seemed to feel like it was being forced and it was not enjoyable. Occasionally it is satisfying to a degree, but 9 times out of 10 I just want it to be over with and close my eyes during sex and imagine I am anywhere but there. The thoughts of performing oral sex on a male come and go as well. She has even offered to bring a male in for that purpose if I thought it would help, but I don't think it would be healthy for us. She doesn't either, but she is trying to help.

Before I met her the only sex I could enjoy was one night stands, male or female. Knowing I would never have to see them again somehow let me objectify them and I did not view them as a person. My relationships prior to her never lasted longer than a couple months because I would turn colder and distance myself. To be honest, my ideal sexual encounter would be with an escort or some service like that where it is strictly sexual and nothing else involved and I can go back to being alone. I have never paid for sex, nor will I for the simple fact it is illegal.

It is physically and mentally draining trying to work through all this stuff. I just want to thank all of you in this thread, it has been such an amazing process reading your stories and what has helped you. I genuinely thank you.