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#356909 - 03/17/11 04:28 PM Kalevala
trb1345 Offline


Registered: 03/09/11
Posts: 73
Loc: NY
I wanted to quote something that has helped me towards accepting what was done to me was actually abuse.

From the Kalevala:

O, YE MANY UNBORN NATIONS,
NEVER EVIL NURSE YOUR CHILDREN,
NEVER GIVE THEM OUT TO STRANGERS,
NEVER TRUST THEM TO THE FOOLISH!
IF THE CHILD IS NOT WELL NURTURED,
IS NOT ROCKED AND LED UPRIGHTLY,
THOUGH HE GROW TO YEARS OF MANHOOD,
BEAR A STRONG AND SHAPELY BODY,
HE WILL NEVER KNOW DISCRETION,
NEVER EAT THE BREAD OF HONOR,
NEVER DRINK THE CUP OF WISDOM.

These things were taken from me, along with my innocence. I hope I believe it tomorrow.

Tommy

_________________________
Inside all of us there's a wild thing.

-My favorite book.

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#356918 - 03/17/11 05:20 PM Re: Kalevala [Re: trb1345]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2435
Loc: TEXAS
Tommy, my brother.

Powerful & sad but also true.

Acceptance is also a powerful word.

So isn't compassion, understanding & love. My humble gift to you.

Pete..Irishmoose.

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#356949 - 03/17/11 11:51 PM Re: Kalevala [Re: petercorbett]
trb1345 Offline


Registered: 03/09/11
Posts: 73
Loc: NY
Thanks Pete,

All I can do is read it tomorrow. And hope I put the faith I today have in it. I still don't believe what was done to me was abuse. I loved it, and its so hard to change that belief.

(((Huggles)))

Tommy

PS, the Kalevala is about 1000 years old.



Edited by trb1345 (03/17/11 11:56 PM)
_________________________
Inside all of us there's a wild thing.

-My favorite book.

Top
#357006 - 03/18/11 02:26 PM Re: Kalevala [Re: trb1345]
1.healing Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/10/10
Posts: 261
Loc: NW Ohio
It's like a Nordic psalm or poem isn't it? Like a morality code for society, I think?

Tommy, it may take some time to get your mind to accept that what happened to you was abuse. It's all about processing and that always takes time, be patient it will happen.

Sometimes when I'm struggling with something I ask myself to be as an observer like it's someone elses problem. When I look at it more objectively and ask "Is that what would happen in a healthy situation?" I often get the answer I need. For you the question might be "If he really loved me, cared for me, and in a healthy way towards a 10 year old, how should he have treated me?

Hope this helps,

Gary

_________________________
"It's never too late to be what you might have been."

George Elliot

"You cannot find peace by avoiding life."

Virginia Woolf

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#357037 - 03/18/11 07:10 PM Re: Kalevala [Re: 1.healing]
trb1345 Offline


Registered: 03/09/11
Posts: 73
Loc: NY
Hi healing,

The Kalevala is a collection of Carelian (ancient Finnish) myth and spoken lore. I had a good session with my T today with assurance that my feelings were normal, and that he believed me. I think he sees how my ''abuse'' has affected my whole life since. Much harder for me to do the same. I also got some validation for wetting the bed, and my need to wear protection. I can't answer the last question right now, because he did love me and care about me. Had it been a healthy relationship, obviously we wouldn't have had sex. He would have given me everything he did besides that.

Tommy

_________________________
Inside all of us there's a wild thing.

-My favorite book.

Top
#357044 - 03/18/11 08:36 PM Re: Kalevala [Re: trb1345]
1.healing Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/10/10
Posts: 261
Loc: NW Ohio
Hey Tommy,

Thanks for the lesson about the Kalevala, I'll have to check it out.

I'm so glad you have a therapist who sounds like a good fit for you. This isn't easy stuff to work on and having experienced guidance makes a world of difference. The issues will have their solutions through the work you do and in their own time. It's clear you're already doing well and making progress, if there's ever anything I can do to help I'd be glad to.

Have a great weekend!

Gary

_________________________
"It's never too late to be what you might have been."

George Elliot

"You cannot find peace by avoiding life."

Virginia Woolf

Top
#357046 - 03/18/11 08:43 PM Re: Kalevala [Re: 1.healing]
trb1345 Offline


Registered: 03/09/11
Posts: 73
Loc: NY
Gary,

Thanks for bein there smile I am still schocked at how people support eachother here. I've never depended on anyone since I was a boy. Its still REALLY hard to put my trust in others and let them help me. It's not ungratefulness, I just haven't known any better.

Tommy

_________________________
Inside all of us there's a wild thing.

-My favorite book.

Top
#357056 - 03/18/11 11:23 PM Re: Kalevala [Re: trb1345]
1.healing Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/10/10
Posts: 261
Loc: NW Ohio
Hi Tommy,

I and I'll bet many others here relate to this. So many of us didn't have consistent and reliable people looking out for us , including our own families. We needed to do the best we could to survive, not an easy challenge for children. Betrayal and trust are core issues for me and I continue to work on them. I would too often not trust at all or be too trusting of the wrong people, it made for trouble. I continue to learn to strike a better balance, I'm reasonably careful, it would be foolish not to be, but also try to be sufficiently open if the circumstance seems OK and safe. A ridiculous need I sometimes have to be perfect (thanks Dad) is often the thing that is the barrier for me in asking for help, but that's a whole other matter...

You seem to have a good head on your shoulders and you'll figure out a lot of this on your own. Still it's great to have the support of others, we're all fortunate there's plenty of that here. Most all are glad to share what they have and don't think of it as any big deal. There's great power in the sharing as it helps all participants to heal, it also teaches us healthier ways to share and receive more of life's gifts. Earlier this week you shared with me something that was very helpful, I'm very grateful. And that is how it works, fairly simple, but beautiful and powerful.

You're doing fine, really well for someone early in your recovery. It's nice that you're here sharing with us, I'm just sorry that you need to be, and it's a pleasure to share in your journey.

God speed my friend...

Gary

_________________________
"It's never too late to be what you might have been."

George Elliot

"You cannot find peace by avoiding life."

Virginia Woolf

Top
#357070 - 03/19/11 10:06 AM Re: Kalevala [Re: 1.healing]
trb1345 Offline


Registered: 03/09/11
Posts: 73
Loc: NY
Gary,

Your mentioning of perfection rings home so much. I ALWAYS want to be perfect, and I have a very hard time accepting less. Im working on a Masters, and the class I just finished I received a 3.95. Im still upset I didn't get a 4.0. No one sees a difference, but I think its huge. I think that comes from the abuse. I wanted to be his perfect little boy. And I think I was. Unfortunately my ideas of what made that perfect little boy caused my physical pain and humiliation.

_________________________
Inside all of us there's a wild thing.

-My favorite book.

Top
#357083 - 03/19/11 01:24 PM Re: Kalevala [Re: trb1345]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2435
Loc: TEXAS
Hi, my brothers,

Wow, you guys put me to shame (oh oh that word again).

But i was proud when i just barely passed my GED high school test in the Air Force in Germany, way back in '58.

I had always setteled for less that i most probably was capable of. My "mom" did her damage to her son well.

Heal well, my brothers, heal well.

"I will take that lost boys hand, and i will lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunshine, forever into eternity." As he is me.

Pete..Irishmoose.



Edited by petercorbett (03/19/11 01:24 PM)
_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


Top
#357086 - 03/19/11 01:43 PM Re: Kalevala [Re: petercorbett]
trb1345 Offline


Registered: 03/09/11
Posts: 73
Loc: NY
Pete,

You should be proud of what you now do to help others smile

My T suggested my obsession with perfection is a result of the abuse, and my eagerness to please him, and also that it's a little unrealistic. It's a little upsetting to think my success and achievements are due to a man who groomed taught me to be perfect at what he wanted. But I'm proud of my career, of what I have done to help my community and fellow human beings.

-Tommy

_________________________
Inside all of us there's a wild thing.

-My favorite book.

Top
#357091 - 03/19/11 03:31 PM Re: Kalevala [Re: petercorbett]
1.healing Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/10/10
Posts: 261
Loc: NW Ohio
Hey Peter,

There's no shame in getting a GED and enlisting in the Air Force you should feel pride in doing both! So many of us guys with CSA/SA way too often struggled with learning. We experienced too many obstacles as barriers to our educations. In my case I missed a lot of school during the years of the abuse. The result was that I missed out on a lot of learning, there were huge chunks missing from my education. When I was present I was so anxious and dissociative that I continued to miss out on even more.

I wonder if our mothers knew each other, they seem at least to be kindred spirits. My mom loved me in her way, but was damaging too. I once told my CSA T that I thought that Mom had probably done the best she could and the T said "Perhaps, but there are times when a persons best just isn't good enough!" I was sorta shocked at her saying that, but it made sense and it put some of the responsibility for not protecting me right back onto who it belonged to, back onto my mother.

In me, my mom raised a classic underachiever, I'll bet we could tell each other some stories! I understand where your coming from, I'm with you.

Gary

_________________________
"It's never too late to be what you might have been."

George Elliot

"You cannot find peace by avoiding life."

Virginia Woolf

Top
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