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#356891 - 03/17/11 02:48 PM SELF PITY
ItsOK Offline


Registered: 03/17/11
Posts: 4
I need to break this cycle of self pity. What happened has happened. The objective of this site is to heal, but it seems like many of us just wallow in the trauma. I'm not trying to downplay the effect the abuse has had on me/us, but I find myself on the fence here. The object is to get past it and the journey within should take us to that place of "wholeness" once again. I guess I'm making progress since I'm on the fence between damaged goods and being healed. Many will say, you'll never be healed, but self pity is a huge obstacle, in my opinion, to becoming healed. Deciphering how to put this in it's proper perspective is a chore, no doubt. There has to be a formula though.


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#356896 - 03/17/11 03:22 PM Re: SELF PITY [Re: ItsOK]
Logan81 Offline


Registered: 01/28/11
Posts: 42
Loc: Lubbock, TX
It's a tough thing to approach, for sure. Personally, I believe that grieving what happened to each of us is part of the healing process. I spent so long in denial, saying that "it wasn't that bad," that I dissociated a lot of my emotions. Recognizing the reality of my csa, that it did suck, and that it did have a big influence on my life, has been a major part of the healing process for me. How can I heal what I don't even believe is broken?

That being said, I don't think we can stay in that state of grief forever. For a season, grief is good and healthy. When it starts to shift into despair, though (and the belief that I can never get better), it becomes unhealthy. Where that line is, I'm not sure. I think it may be different for different people. As long as there's hope for getting better, though, I think a little grief can be a good thing.


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#356905 - 03/17/11 04:23 PM Re: SELF PITY [Re: Logan81]
ItsOK Offline


Registered: 03/17/11
Posts: 4
Hey Logan,
Yes I agree. The grieving process is absolutely essential, but it's a slippery slope, not to mention it steals so many years away from what should be an enjoyable life. I get that everyone on here, purging their demons into words can help the process, but there HAS to be a common underlying formula to undo what has been done. I guess I'm being too simplistic, but holy crap, I think that's what we all want.....a simple method to fix this.
I'm just so sad to read all the horror stories and the stagnation many of us are experiencing that keep us coming back to this site. It's just frustrating and debilitating. I'm not having a good day or a good life for that matter. I don't buy that I'll be branded like this forever without change, although I have my doubts. I feel so freegin' disconnected from life.
....eeehhhhh, just a bad day I guess.


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#356933 - 03/17/11 09:11 PM Re: SELF PITY [Re: ItsOK]
ItsOK Offline


Registered: 03/17/11
Posts: 4
Alright, I will tackle this devil in me once again.
I just wish I had a clear understanding of what this rehabilitation entails.
Each one is individual I know, but where do you start to look
for yourself again? No matter what the circumstances where.
Should I hate? Should I forgive? Should I confront my abuser (who was my brother,..yeah, that's a real kicker) I need directions, I'm a classic border line personality, I can tell because of my "if it's not one way, it has to be another thinking"...which is also a struggle on top of all this crap.
I don't want to be here, frankly, I dare say no one does, everyone would rather be a functional, happy soul. I just want the FIX!!!!
And it appears that there isn't one particular fix to apply, and it all takes work, I just don't know where to start directing it.
Now I'm gettin' PISSED!!! Don't mind me....I'm doing that purging thing I spoke of earlier.
Just too many emotions scattered about in my head at one time.


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#357002 - 03/18/11 01:56 PM Re: SELF PITY [Re: ItsOK]
WriterKeith Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/10
Posts: 945
Loc: southern California
Perhaps, because we are all unique, each survivor must map his own route to a healthy life?
Just guessing, and throwing out the idea here.

By the way, this may be the most poignant and painfully truthful thread yet posted regarding the process. I hope many will join the discussion and share thoughts. This is an important issue to us all.

_________________________
"A burned bridge can be a gift; it prevents us from returning to a place we should have never been."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JfvAPZGjds

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#357021 - 03/18/11 04:17 PM Re: SELF PITY [Re: WriterKeith]
1.healing Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/10/10
Posts: 261
Loc: NW Ohio
I can wallow in it with the best of 'um, and isolate myself in my misery and dysfunction like wrapping up in a comfortably uncomfortable blanket. Depression which has a genetic link in my family, and in the Winter, Seasonal Affective Disorder, have always played havoc with my emotions in conjunction with the CSA.Trust too is a big issue with me, and especially trust of myself. It's difficult to trust yourself when you can't predict how you're going to be feeling and if you're going to be well enough to take care of things, especially yourself!

The mixture of the problems that affect us as individuals are definitely different, unique to every person. The results though are so similar! We're fortunate that there are tools available to help us cope and heal: therapies, meds, self help techniques, group work, etc... and it's going to usually take a combination of things to get good results.

It's also like anything-else, our problems don't fix themselves, we have to do the work and that can be particularly hard when we're just feeling really badly. If I can barely make it out of bed a phone call to the Dr., much less getting there and explaining what's happening.... a monumental task.

Recently I've been thinking that now I'm doing and feeling better I need to develop some new strategies for not sliding so far the next time. And as my friends and family seem at a loss for what to do to help during those darker days, I'm going to develop a plan for them too. Ways they can be supportive, not invasive, ways to help me do better, to help get me out of the blues. Not sure if it will work, but it's not going to make anything worse, so it's worth a try.

Healing comes to us in stages, what do they say... "It's a process, not an event". A process, with starts and stops, detours, successes and failures at times too. What it eventually does though is get us on the other side of the problem. That's definitely a better place to be, even if it's not exactly perfect or with some other work waiting to be done there as well. So, that it seems is how life sometimes is...never exactly finished... and that may be good because that in itself helps keep us going.



_________________________
"It's never too late to be what you might have been."

George Elliot

"You cannot find peace by avoiding life."

Virginia Woolf

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#357093 - 03/19/11 05:01 PM Re: SELF PITY [Re: 1.healing]
ItsOK Offline


Registered: 03/17/11
Posts: 4
Thanks for acknowledging this WriterKeith. Acknowledgment is a very strong tool to coping, and I appreciate that more then you know. I think all the guys here want to be acknowledged for what occurred with their abuse and the resulting fallout that they must now deal with, but this is where I think many seem to have a difficult decision to make. What to do after your acknowledged.
You really need to step outside of your own mind and take a non subjective view and apply a methodical cure. Otherwise you dwell in so much agony that it becomes what 1.healing calls it, a "comfortably uncomfortable blanket". Which you pegged perfectly 1.healing. Yea guys I said CURE!! Or even a facsimile of what that word means. This will get us to the point of thriving functionality. You just have to get out of your own head to tackle this beast.


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#357199 - 03/21/11 10:40 AM Re: SELF PITY [Re: ItsOK]
1.healing Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/10/10
Posts: 261
Loc: NW Ohio
To me it's like having something that with management can be lived with. I don't think there is a "cure" because it's not something that any of us can completely rid from our hearts, spirits and minds. For better or worse it's a part of who we are.

That said... there are healthy ways to live with it and the roads to that end are many and varied, those pathways are as unique and individualized as the people who travel them. What works for me may not for you and vice verse.

And... it is work, not much fun and can be very painful and debilitating at times. Unfortunately there is no silver bullet, no magic cure, no exact formula that will work for everyone.

It does get better though, as the remarkable survivors, who here witness to, by bravely telling their stories. Through their recovery they offer hope and encouragement every day of their lives. In that I think exists the miracle of recovery.

Gary

_________________________
"It's never too late to be what you might have been."

George Elliot

"You cannot find peace by avoiding life."

Virginia Woolf

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#357288 - 03/22/11 01:22 AM Re: SELF PITY [Re: ItsOK]
risingagain Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/10
Posts: 595
Loc: Vancouver, BC, Canada
If I think about the years lost in my life, it's not the time I spent grieving that concerns me.... it's the time spent NOT GRIEVING that concerns me.

When I run away from my pain, it always catches up with me and eats me away from the inside..... how many relationships have been lost? how many friends and colleagues have I abandoned or been abandoned by? how much loss of self esteem, lack of trust, and self isolation do I need to do to myself before I FINALLY STOP... READY. TO TAKE A LOOK. And sit in sadness and grief and anger and hope and possibility and fear and uncertainty.... and DO THE HEALING?

How long?

It will never happen without my willingness. I KNOW when something is not right. My body has been telling me for years.

So..... truly.... if I need to get in a boat with other traumatized folks ... so be it. I will not stand by as my life slips away .

Bring it on baby, bring it on.

Moving through it now....

Ra


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#357289 - 03/22/11 01:25 AM Re: SELF PITY [Re: risingagain]
risingagain Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/10
Posts: 595
Loc: Vancouver, BC, Canada
wise people have said...

Running away from pain and running to pleasure cause suffering.... Pain and pleasure are unavoidable.... happiness or suffering is caused by how we respond to life.

How can I respond to life when I am carrying around a MOUNTAIN of shame? How can I build friendship when I feel worthless and dirty? How can I love a child as a child needs to be loved, if I feel such unresolved loss around my childhood?

Therefore, I sit in my pain, and break the cycle of abuse.


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