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#356806 - 03/16/11 09:24 PM Knot hole - a reality check *TRIGGERS*
Silly Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/21/10
Posts: 140
Loc: Virginia
I had mentioned in "My Story" about leaving myself during the worst of my abuse by "curling like smoke" out of a knot hole on the side of the shed where most of it happened. I have since remembered more. It's amazing that my brain still has things hidden away from me, just amazing. I remembered stars, whole galaxies of them spinning above my head. I was 10 years old in 1977...galaxies far, far away and all that. OK, knot holes and stars, I couldn't connect the dots either until a few days ago. For me to have seen that hole and the stars (small holes in the darkness under a tin roof) I was on my back. More often than not, #4 took me like a girl. What is the point in having to remember all of this? What good does it serve me? I've felt sick to my stomach since it hit me. Now I can see his face floating over me... I'll never be able to un-remember that. I can't blot that out. He'll always be there. It hurts.

Sadly, I'm not in a position to deal with these memories at the moment, but please feel free to leave feedback or a comment, your replies do reach me while I'm away. I can't wait to be back in the company of my brothers soon. I miss you all. Your help and support mean so much to me.

Shane

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The Round Table, Men's Sexual Abuse Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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#356826 - 03/17/11 12:32 AM Re: Knot hole - a reality check *TRIGGERS* [Re: Silly]
Dewey Offline
Member

Registered: 11/13/02
Posts: 137
Loc: the sunshine state
Yeah Shane you won't unremember but the severity will lessen. You are alright in my book bro' hope to see you soon! Dan

_________________________
I refuse to use my past as an excuse to not have a future.
My hero Dad; Trigger warning- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Oi3Hyxuf5AE

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#356827 - 03/17/11 12:37 AM Re: Knot hole - a reality check *TRIGGERS* [Re: Silly]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6867
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: Silly
leaving myself during the worst of my abuse by "curling like smoke" out of a knot hole on the side of the shed where most of it happened.

It sounds like derealization disorder.
Originally Posted By: silly

I have since remembered more. It's amazing that my brain still has things hidden away from me, ......
For me to have seen that hole and the stars (small holes in the darkness under a tin roof) I was on my back. More often than not, #4 took me like a girl. What is the point in having to remember all of this? What good does it serve me?

Healing comes when we acknowledge and 'embrace' the hurts. Yes it is exceedingly difficult. But once dealt with, the memories will subside.
Originally Posted By: silly

I've felt sick to my stomach since it hit me. Now I can see his face floating over me... I'll never be able to un-remember that. I can't blot that out. He'll always be there. It hurts.
Shane

Shane, I had that reaction also when I 'remembered'. I saw the whole thing transpire as if on some kind of recording device. (like dvd or something) Yes the face was there.
It was traumatic.
Some therapy is afforded just by writing out your story and reading books about healing of abuse. Do you have books?

Allen


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#356852 - 03/17/11 08:29 AM Re: Knot hole - a reality check *TRIGGERS* [Re: pufferfish]
kb8715 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/16/10
Posts: 808
"Now I can see his face floating over me..."

Shane that's the same monster that wakes me up sometimes. Now it's got me thinking why I sleep better sometimes on the couch.

Hurry back safely. You are missed. You still owe me and Castle a game of Disc Golf don't forget.

Keith




Edited by kb8715 (03/17/11 08:34 AM)
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#356902 - 03/17/11 04:03 PM Re: Knot hole - a reality check *TRIGGERS* [Re: kb8715]
vachssfan Offline


Registered: 03/08/11
Posts: 58
Loc: TX
"Now I can see his face floating over me... I'll never be able to un-remember that. I can't blot that out. "

me too. it doesn't wake me up but it pops into my head during day at weirdest times out of nowhere and once it starts i can't stop it. can't shut it out only it's

TRIGGER WARNING









not his face it's his penis. staring me the face and i'm on my knees. i can't unremember it either. it's burned there. i hope we both learn how to manage it and make it not so hurtful and encompassing. i wrote this to let you know that it happens to me too.

and KB- that's weird. i've always slept better on a couch (and fully clothed, shoes included). if i was single i wouldn't own a bed.

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www.memoryisaghost.blogspot.com/

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