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#35672 - 01/18/03 04:13 PM My Return
Gary - CDN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/16/02
Posts: 28
Loc: Hamilton, Ontario Canada
Well gentlemen, for those of you who remember, I was posting a while back and assisted Muldoon in writing his letter to Editor. Since that point, I have experienced a major setback complete with nightmares, recurring images, new images, lack of sleep and major bouts of despair/depression. It was a tough slog the last while, especially through the Xmas season, but I made it and yesterday had a great session with my counselor and a good chat with a friend of mine who is a recovering alcoholic. Between the two, I have regained my faith in the future. My therapist provided me with some coping skills for the nightmares / images (which I will share in a later post) and my buddy reminded me of the good that is in each and everyone of us.

Many thanks to Muldoon for his support during this ordeal. Below are his words and they have kept me going this last week:

“On the positive side I know that our letter made a big difference to a few people. IT MOVED MEN TO HEALING. God will remember the good you did”.

Glad to be back on the road to recovery,

Gary-CDN


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#35673 - 01/18/03 04:30 PM Re: My Return
The Dean Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 07/15/02
Posts: 2080
Loc: Milwaukee, WI
Hi Gary,
It is qalways good to have brothers post, whether they are new to MS or old-timers.

I know that for myself, I will always need the support of an advisor/friend/counselor, and this MS group of men. I do not feel sad or bad about that. I am just glad we have this place.


Keep close to the guys here--if there are times when you feel overwhelmed, you can always come here and let your brothers here walk with you on your journey.

Bob

_________________________
If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.

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#35674 - 01/18/03 04:50 PM Re: My Return
Gary - CDN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/16/02
Posts: 28
Loc: Hamilton, Ontario Canada
Thanks for the encouragement Dean. During this last down-dip I did become overwhelmed with what was happening. As I said in one of my older posts, it's tough when you are in your 40's and afraid to go to sleep.....Following that you experience sleep deprivation and all aspects of your life begin to suffer. It's a viscious cycle but it must be broken.

I will make sure I keep in touch more often. I failed to remember there is always someone here who is ready to listen and in most cases, has been through the same ordeal themselves.

Thanks Guys,

Gary


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#35675 - 01/18/03 05:40 PM Re: My Return
Mark S Offline
Member

Registered: 08/25/02
Posts: 130
Loc: England
Hi Gary.

I look forward to reading the coping stratergies your counsellor suggested for the nightmares. I'm pleased you found the strenght to get through Xmas. I had some problems during that period too, (I think many of us did).

Lack of and fear of sleep is a real bummer. I managed to stay awake for three days when my nightmares were bad, but then I started hallucinating, (excuse spelling). So I couldn't win. Thankfully I have laid many of my ghost's to rest, though occassionally a trigger will reactivate the nightmares. I know and believe that when they do reappear it wont be forever.

I wish you all the best.

Mark


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#35676 - 01/18/03 10:11 PM Re: My Return
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Gary:

After a bout of flashbacks, depression & hospitalization (high blood pressure), I dropped out of recovery for a while too last year, until I physically & emotionally crashed, ended up on disability leave (now working parttime), and found NOMSV/MS.

Glad you're back fellow survivor!

Victor

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#35677 - 01/18/03 11:57 PM Re: My Return
The Dean Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 07/15/02
Posts: 2080
Loc: Milwaukee, WI
The problem of sleep is a real pain for me. Lately I have what seems to be dreams all night long. They are not frigthening--they are just very odd. I think I wake up many,many times every night. This has been true for several years now.

I think the more I try to recall the dreams, the more distressed I get. I am now at the point of dreading falling asleep--but I am tired so much.

Luckily, I love my work and the kids get my mind off myself so I get re-charged five days a week.

An American Indian friend of mind tells me that dreams are the way my spirit talks to me. It that is true, my spirit has been on something!!! ;\)

_________________________
If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.

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#35678 - 01/20/03 06:33 AM Re: My Return
Muldoon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/30/02
Posts: 1428
Loc: St Paul MN
Gary-CDN
Glad you are back . I have done a lot of thinken about how I brought you out there on the
edge and pulled you over that Monday night our backs where up to the wall. How
selfish I was not to think about you. To me I look at you as being so strong and so totally together. You where so much farther along then me in your Recovery, I should of seen the signs that I was asking TOO much,TOO FAST but I was only thinken of my own healing and not your's.
As survivors we tend to GIVE & GIVE & GIVE to others and not thinking of our own needs. I was so quilty of taking and not thinking of your needs. I have learned so much from this. No matter how strong other Male Survivors seem we must remember that , WE ARE ALL WALKING ON THE EDGE and sometimes it only takes a PUFF OF WIND TO PUSH US OVER THE SIDE.
Peace my Friend Muldoon

_________________________
Teach the Children to Never Hide in the Silence

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#35679 - 01/21/03 08:59 PM Re: My Return
Gary - CDN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/16/02
Posts: 28
Loc: Hamilton, Ontario Canada
Gentlemen:

As I mentioned when I started this thread, I am back on the road to recovery. I have had my ups and downs the last year and I am sure that the main contributing factor to the downward spirals was that the images of the abuse were triggered by the violent outbursts from one of my superiors. The stress just pushed me to the edge and my past just started coming out. Over the last year or so, just entering the building to go to work has been an effort at times. In retrospect, I should have quit months ago just to save my sanity but like the rest of you, we have bills to pay so without something to go to, we are stuck.

Well, I just received a call today and my prayers have been answered. On Feb 10th I start a new job, many miles away from the place were my healing journey began. For my continued recovery, this move is critical and if all goes well, in a few years I should be able to look back at that building, smile and say thank you.

Always keeping a good thought,

Gary-CDN


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#35680 - 01/22/03 11:27 PM Re: My Return
Gary - CDN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/16/02
Posts: 28
Loc: Hamilton, Ontario Canada
Hi Brothers:

Might keep this thread going a while since I need some help these days and this seems to be a good umbilical chord to a group that understands the torment and rage we face in our daily lives. Really hitting bottom so please send some good thoughts.

Life is a real rollercoaster and I am hitting extreme highs and new lows within the same day. I am making the job change (confirmed today)and that should help my outlook tremendously, but I also keep beating myself up daily (too excess) for all my negative behavior over the years. I am still working with the affirmations DON-NY posted months ago, but still feel worthless. The bright spot was the letters Muldoon and myself wrote back in the fall. If I think of those during the day, I start to feel I made a difference, even if it was small.

Sorry for the downer, but that's how I feel tonight.

Gary


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#35681 - 01/24/03 12:20 AM Re: My Return
Gary - CDN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/16/02
Posts: 28
Loc: Hamilton, Ontario Canada
Hi Guys:

Feeling a little better tonight. As I mentioned in my previous post, I have been beating myself up lately and have been overwhelmed with what is going on in my life. I sent an e-mail to my therapist and he sent me an excellent paper (22 pages long) on Combating Distorted Thinking. A quick read has helped me level out so I feel somewhat grounded again. Just thoughtI would mention it in case anyone was interested. It highlight 15 styles of distorted thinking that when applied, really twist your outlook on life and bring out unwarranted anxiety and anger. I spotted numerous I have styles I have used through the years to self-sabotage a lot of good days and weeks of my life.

It's a word document so if any of you are interrested, send me the info on how to attach it or, if there is enough interest, I can make 1 long post.

Fighting for baby steps these days,

Gary


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