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#356553 - 03/14/11 06:00 PM Guilt and Shame (maybe triggering)
trb1345 Offline


Registered: 03/09/11
Posts: 73
Loc: NY
Hey Guys,

I'm new here, and I'm trying to get my emotions under control regarding what happened to me. I was 10. I don't have any hate for him... at all. He made me feel so special, and I believed he cared about me so much. I feel guilty for going back to him, and for enjoying it, and even asking for sex, literally. And I'm totally ashamed for it. And I feel alone. I have a hard time accepting that I was groomed and manipulated. I felt completely safe with him and I trusted him, even after the first time. And as crazy as it sounds, I miss him a little. I can't seem to seperate the feelings he gave me and turn them into cold hard facts. I'm struggling...

-Tommy

_________________________
Inside all of us there's a wild thing.

-My favorite book.

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#356558 - 03/14/11 06:25 PM Re: Guilt and Shame (maybe triggering) [Re: trb1345]
weharry1959 Offline


Registered: 11/13/10
Posts: 70
Loc: N/W Pennsylvania, USA
Tommy - I think nearly everyone here have gone through some of the feelings and thoughts you seem to be dealing with.
My abuse started at age 9 and continued through to the age of 14. I understand your confusion and yes, whether or not you can accept it, we were groomed and manipulated.
Mine came as my Mom was sick with cancer and my dad, who trying to keep the family together, was working 2 - 3 jobs plus daily visits to the hospital. As the oldest of 5 kids, it fell upon me to pick up the domestic responsibilities, plus running things on the farm. That's when my uncle/cousin entered the picture and showed me help and what I perceived was love. I don't believe (albeit I am a bit naive in saying so) that He didn't start out with the intent to groom, but fell into his pattern of sexual control that was placed upon him.
Even though there were initial threats I came to resign myself that I had no choice and accepted my fate. My hope at that time, was that I felt that if he continued to hurt me, he'd leave my other brothers alone. I saw myself as worthless and guilty for those kinda feelings that you experienced.
Yeah, I climaxed, it felt good, my body betrayed me and I thought that I was lower than dirt. Several attempts and two hospital stays later, I found myself here, just as you have and found that we are not alone.
We don't want to admit that we don't fit the mold of what a "man" is, that we were used by someone, whom we trusted and loved as a sexual object and nothing really else. When we admit that we were molested we somehow feel less than a man, something that makes us feel, well "less than..."
it appears that you are starting on a journey that will take you into unfamiliar areas and that we have to "admit" to ourselves, who we really are. I can tell you, it's gonna be okay.
If you haven't yet got a counselor who understands and has a history of working with Childhood Sexual Abuse or Adult Sexual Abuse, Please seek out as soon as possible. If your like me, I live in Rural Pennsylvania and not too many options. My best was The VA in Erie, PA. If you are having a problem finding one, there are some great Therapists on here who can recommend someone in your area.
There are a lot of great guys here as well. I have made friends with a couple and have even talked to them on the phone. It was awesome on so many levels. Kindredness, support, edification, understanding, empowerment. I hope that this helps....I know that this group is a great place to start and supplement your counseling endeavors. Bill

_________________________
Forgiving does not always mean everything goes back to the way it was. There are still natural consequences for what was done.

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#356561 - 03/14/11 06:45 PM Re: Guilt and Shame (maybe triggering) [Re: weharry1959]
trb1345 Offline


Registered: 03/09/11
Posts: 73
Loc: NY
Hi weharry,

I have started seeing a therapist, but only had three sessions so far. I'm not sure if I was just a sex object for him. He never forced me. I was scared the first time, but he comforted me. I always wanted to do a good job, as the good boy that I always was. And I wanted to be the best he had, physically. I worked extra hard to be that boy for him. And in that sense I feel like I exacerbated it. I'm here to supplement my therapy, and thats why I need to know I'm not the only one who doesn't hate my abuser.
-Tommy

_________________________
Inside all of us there's a wild thing.

-My favorite book.

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#356568 - 03/14/11 07:51 PM Re: Guilt and Shame (maybe triggering) [Re: trb1345]
kb8715 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/16/10
Posts: 808
Tommy join the club brother.

Those men were predators molesters and pedophiles.
I use those disgusting terms to remind me I am a crime victim.

Three years of abuse and many more of soul searching got me here. Glad you and I are here and will heal.

Be well.

_________________________
"You can get far in life by pushing except through a door marked PULL...." Profile quote in my oldest son's senior year HS Yearbook.

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#356570 - 03/14/11 08:48 PM Re: Guilt and Shame (maybe triggering) [Re: kb8715]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2435
Loc: TEXAS
Hi, my fraternal brother.

Oh, yes i know just how you feel now & how you felt then.

Yep, we were special all right.

I like you went back for those pleasures, went back to someone who loved me. He has been a huge part of my life.
I kept myself a victim for 55+ years because he loved me. And i loved him.

It has taken me a long time in therapy, and here and at those WoR's to finally realise that his love for me was false. I just couldn't let him go. It was he and i for all those years wnenever i did something sexual. He was always there with me.
I made sure of that.

No, my brother, Tommy, the guilt & shame does not belong to either you or I, nor anyone else in our situation.
I realise that that is easier said than done.

I'm here for you, if you need someone to talk to.

Heal well, my brother, Tommy, heal well.

"I will take that lost boys hand, and i will lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunshine, forever into eternity." As he is me.

Pete..Irishmoose.

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#356595 - 03/15/11 02:21 AM Re: Guilt and Shame (maybe triggering) [Re: petercorbett]
trb1345 Offline


Registered: 03/09/11
Posts: 73
Loc: NY
Its so hard, sometimes, I want to be his special boy again. I wish he was here to hold me. I hope I can get to the feeling that I was innocent, that he used me for sex, and nothing else. He was a pedophile, and I was his boy. His willing, eager, and happy boy, all to ready to open my mouth, or lay on my tummy. So ashamed...



Edited by trb1345 (03/15/11 02:22 AM)
_________________________
Inside all of us there's a wild thing.

-My favorite book.

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#356600 - 03/15/11 03:40 AM Re: Guilt and Shame (maybe triggering) [Re: trb1345]
1.healing Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/10/10
Posts: 261
Loc: NW Ohio

The shame shouldn't be yours, isn't yours, it doesn't belong to you.... it's so sad that you're going through such a painful time for something you didn't do.

No matter his tenderness or kindness towards you, or that the attention and physical feelings felt good at times, it's never alright for adults to have sexual relationships with children, never. You were 10, ten year olds should never have to experience such things. Ten year olds are impressionable, inexperienced in the ways of the world, open and trusting of others, innocent and vulnerable, that was you, just a sweet trusting kid! You were manipulated by a knowing adult who realized what he was doing with you was so wrong, that is a tragedy and where the real shame lays.

Take the time to work through these things, it's great you have a therapist and this is a good place of course to come for support. I don't know if you live somewhere where there may be a male survivors group, but it sounds like you'd enjoy the company of others and in person. Someday after you've healed more, you'll be in a better state of being to find that real relationship that can be a healthy one for you, it can be better than anything you've known. Hang in there, do the hard work and you'll come out on the better side of all this. Please, begin to forgive yourself, you did no wrong by simply wanting to be loved, what happened isn't your fault.

Gary

_________________________
"It's never too late to be what you might have been."

George Elliot

"You cannot find peace by avoiding life."

Virginia Woolf

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#356609 - 03/15/11 09:05 AM Re: Guilt and Shame (maybe triggering) [Re: 1.healing]
trb1345 Offline


Registered: 03/09/11
Posts: 73
Loc: NY
I believe it when other boys or kids aren't at fault for their abuse, but why can't I apply it to me. I should be able to say 'it wasn't my fault.' But I can't. Not yet. It doesn't feel wrong. It didn't feel wrong. It felt so right. I haven't trusted anyone like him since. No relationship I've had has compared to ours. It seems pefect, like that was what I was meant for. And its torturing me. I want to feel innocent.

_________________________
Inside all of us there's a wild thing.

-My favorite book.

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#356619 - 03/15/11 10:54 AM Re: Guilt and Shame (maybe triggering) [Re: trb1345]
wayne9 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/08
Posts: 161
Loc: alabama
Hi Tommy. I too have some of those same thoughts. I have never felt hate toward him. I hate what this has done to me. I hate myself that I have allowed the outcome of what HE done to me. But have never felt hate for him. I see him when there is something going on in our family....funerals, etc. I see him but don't feel anger at him. At times I want to walk up to him and say....yes, I remember what you done to me. Yes, it as effected most ever part of my life. I don't hate you but want you to know you screwed my life up really bad. I know that if I confronted him it would cause problems in my family. I know I shouldn't care because it would really be his fault not mine. But I have some much trouble worrying about causing other people heartache. When it all comes down to it I think I hate me for not hating him....Good luck Tommy. I am hear to listen if you ever need to talk.

Tim


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#356621 - 03/15/11 11:08 AM Re: Guilt and Shame (maybe triggering) [Re: wayne9]
trb1345 Offline


Registered: 03/09/11
Posts: 73
Loc: NY
I'm relieved (in a way) to hear that. The more people here reacho out to me on this, the more I start to accept that I'm not alone in the way I feel. I don't want to upset my family at all. I haven't told them. And I too resent myself for not hating him. I don't want to confront him. I don't think it's even physically possible now. Thanks for listening.

_________________________
Inside all of us there's a wild thing.

-My favorite book.

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#356630 - 03/15/11 01:23 PM Re: Guilt and Shame (maybe triggering) [Re: trb1345]
1.healing Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/10/10
Posts: 261
Loc: NW Ohio
Originally Posted By: trb1345
I believe it when other boys or kids aren't at fault for their abuse, but why can't I apply it to me. I should be able to say 'it wasn't my fault.' But I can't. Not yet. It doesn't feel wrong. It didn't feel wrong. It felt so right. I haven't trusted anyone like him since. No relationship I've had has compared to ours. It seems pefect, like that was what I was meant for. And its torturing me. I want to feel innocent.


I'm sorry that you're going through such a hard time with this, the pain you express comes through the page and it's very sad.

Be patient with yourself right now, you're processing a really difficult thing, it's not going to feel very good. And then to add to the misery and confusion about it, you want to do what anyone does when under stress... retreat to what was once comfortable... and the comfortable (him) is the problem.

I want to thank you for helping me understand something I've long wondered about myself... I was abused by an older cousin, he wasn't ever nice to me unless he wanted something, and even then he could be a monster. But at an early point in his abuse of me I feel in love with him... he could see it and it made him ramp up, a few more notches, the really hateful cruel things he always had to say. Steve, my perp cousin was nothing like the more kind and loving model of a perpetrator that you experienced, he was the very opposite.

I always wondered though if he had been nice to me, if we had fallen in love, would it then not have been abuse? Always in the back of my mind.... what if?... and then you gave me the answer through your problem here... It would have been just as bad, and maybe worse... because no matter how it's packaged, pretty or ugly it's still abuse . I appreciate you helping me with that long running and difficult lesson.

You're going to get through all of this OK, and come out better for it. Recovery isn't easy and it's done in stages, you're where you need to be at this time. You'll learn and feel the things you need to, even the hard stuff, the confusing things, the contradictions, they all come together with work and in time. You're on your way to being there already and that's a good place to be (OK, damn uncomfortable & hellish for now) but really you're exactly where you need to be right now.

I hope you'll be feeling better soon, again thank you for the help and all the best on your recovery.

Gary

_________________________
"It's never too late to be what you might have been."

George Elliot

"You cannot find peace by avoiding life."

Virginia Woolf

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#356631 - 03/15/11 01:32 PM Re: Guilt and Shame (maybe triggering) [Re: trb1345]
risingagain Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/10
Posts: 595
Loc: Vancouver, BC, Canada
Bro, if being in love with him is costing you your integrity, and you feel ashamed, then perhaps you have to choose. Are you really the dirty little boy who asked for it?


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#356649 - 03/15/11 03:09 PM Re: Guilt and Shame (maybe triggering) [Re: risingagain]
mac80 Offline


Registered: 03/15/11
Posts: 38
Can people love us and abuse us? Absolutely. If people couldn't love and abuse at the same time, the world would be a lot easier. I don't know if I ever loved my abuser and I have no question that I was abused. But I'm pretty sure he did love me. I felt stupid for letting it happen. I still feel like I should have known. I stayed around him after I knew he was dangerous to me because whatever he gave me up to that point was the closest thing to love that I had ever had.


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#356652 - 03/15/11 03:12 PM Re: Guilt and Shame (maybe triggering) [Re: risingagain]
trb1345 Offline


Registered: 03/09/11
Posts: 73
Loc: NY
Healing,

I thought if he was mean and I could hate him, it would be easier. But you're right...it doesn't matter if he was gentle or not...its the same mess for me in the end. Thank you.

Rising,

I want integrity, I don't want to feel dirty. And I don't know how to do it. I know I need time, and my T will help me, but right now it's extremely challenging. Thank you.

Tommy

_________________________
Inside all of us there's a wild thing.

-My favorite book.

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#356744 - 03/16/11 11:42 AM Re: Guilt and Shame (maybe triggering) [Re: trb1345]
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
Well I can relate totally with you Tommy. When I was 12 my read did died, and a father figure molested me for several years.

It took a while to get thru this, Many years. But I am here.

Hugs MJ

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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#356746 - 03/16/11 11:50 AM Re: Guilt and Shame (maybe triggering) [Re: trb1345]
CheerfulJohn Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/22/10
Posts: 142
Loc: England (at the moment)
I've had so much support here. I'm sure you will also continue to find some of that "hug" here.

Be Well
CJ

_________________________
Wolves will live with lambs. Leopards will lie down with goats. Calves, young lions, and year-old lambs will be together, and little children will lead them.

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#356760 - 03/16/11 01:58 PM Re: Guilt and Shame (maybe triggering) [Re: trb1345]
1lifenow Offline


Registered: 03/07/11
Posts: 398
Loc: west coast
This is so tough because of the dichotomy of kindness and robbery. He made me feel special when that never happened anywhere else especially at home, and that is a powerful elixer. I wanted to please him and do a good job, there were rewards and sometimes even just an arm around you. I know what you mean about not hating him, it took me a long time to understand that. I hate what he did to my life, those around me and through me their lives going forward. I used to think 'it was just something that happened to me' but it wasnt. After me , I found out he went after others when I would longer not go back and likely there were also ones before me. So was I so special? For what he wanted I sure was. That is hard to take, even that facsimile of caring was really a facade. Used for sex, while making me care about him thinking he cared about me.

So I know what you mean about missing that thing that was missing from your life. I went back again and again under my own volition to get his special attention that meant so much. It is only through the lens of recovery I can see it for what it was, but it doesnt mean part of me doesnt want it again. And it is hard to not beat yourself up over it. But i know going forward, I can rationalize what something healthy should look like, and that wasnt it. so on we go, we can do it.

_________________________
The need for love lies at the very foundation of human existence. Dalai Lama

WoR Barrie 2011

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#356761 - 03/16/11 01:58 PM Re: Guilt and Shame (maybe triggering) [Re: CheerfulJohn]
trb1345 Offline


Registered: 03/09/11
Posts: 73
Loc: NY
I think so too. Thx John.


1lifenow,

I can totally relate to the rewards and especially the arm around me. Feeling special is a powerful elixir. Do I wish I never felt this, that it never happened? Of course I do. But I can't change that, and I'm stuck with these feelings. Thanks.

Tommy



Edited by trb1345 (03/16/11 02:03 PM)
_________________________
Inside all of us there's a wild thing.

-My favorite book.

Top
#356798 - 03/16/11 08:32 PM Re: Guilt and Shame (maybe triggering) [Re: trb1345]
newk Offline


Registered: 03/03/11
Posts: 5
Loc: NC
Tommy, reading your posts here have helped me see how sick I am.
We were children, I was groomed by a professional child molester, making a child feel special is part of their MO.
I don't have any answers for you my friend but I can tell you this. YOU ARE NOT ALONE.


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#356801 - 03/16/11 08:45 PM Re: Guilt and Shame (maybe triggering) [Re: newk]
trb1345 Offline


Registered: 03/09/11
Posts: 73
Loc: NY
Newk,

I'm beginning to accept the concept that is wasn't my fault, but I have a long, long way to go. Thanks for takin the road with me smile

Tommy

_________________________
Inside all of us there's a wild thing.

-My favorite book.

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#366672 - 07/26/11 07:44 PM Re: Guilt and Shame (maybe triggering) [Re: trb1345]
pbert53 Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/26/09
Posts: 576
Loc: Washington, USA
tommy,

yes, i loved my abuser, my main perp.

he was my older brother and was my surrogate father. my father was cold, didnt like me, and totally unavaiable for any fatherlyness what so ever.

my abuse was of the kinder gentler variety. he groomed me to be his toy from the time i was 4. so it became so natural and usual that i didnt realize how much it had damaged me.

i understand how you feel and honor your struggle. PM me if you want more details or thoughts. i would be glad to share with you man.

take care. you are not alone, you are not alone, and you are cared about with me and with all of us here.

peace

paul

_________________________
If you cannot control what happens to you, you can control your attitude toward what happens to you, and in that, you will be mastering change rather than allowing it to master you.

~ adapted from: Sri Ram

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#366783 - 07/27/11 09:59 PM . [Re: pbert53]
bardo213 Offline
Guest

Registered: 11/21/07
Posts: 811
.


Edited by bardo213 (06/22/13 04:09 PM)

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#366799 - 07/28/11 04:12 AM Re: Guilt and Shame (maybe triggering) [Re: bardo213]
Morning Star Offline
Member

Registered: 12/21/04
Posts: 1124
Loc: Home
Originally Posted By: lynchmob212001
Learning to be vulnerable is a stepping stone in recovery....


_________________________
~ It's over!...Let go of Thy Past, Remember Thy Self ~

Why Don't People Heal, by Caroline Myss; 30 days to clean up your vibrations - Abraham-Hicks

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#367007 - 07/30/11 06:16 PM . [Re: Morning Star]
bardo213 Offline
Guest

Registered: 11/21/07
Posts: 811
.


Edited by bardo213 (06/22/13 04:10 PM)

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