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#356630 - 03/15/11 01:23 PM Re: Guilt and Shame (maybe triggering) [Re: trb1345]
1.healing Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/10/10
Posts: 261
Loc: NW Ohio
Originally Posted By: trb1345
I believe it when other boys or kids aren't at fault for their abuse, but why can't I apply it to me. I should be able to say 'it wasn't my fault.' But I can't. Not yet. It doesn't feel wrong. It didn't feel wrong. It felt so right. I haven't trusted anyone like him since. No relationship I've had has compared to ours. It seems pefect, like that was what I was meant for. And its torturing me. I want to feel innocent.


I'm sorry that you're going through such a hard time with this, the pain you express comes through the page and it's very sad.

Be patient with yourself right now, you're processing a really difficult thing, it's not going to feel very good. And then to add to the misery and confusion about it, you want to do what anyone does when under stress... retreat to what was once comfortable... and the comfortable (him) is the problem.

I want to thank you for helping me understand something I've long wondered about myself... I was abused by an older cousin, he wasn't ever nice to me unless he wanted something, and even then he could be a monster. But at an early point in his abuse of me I feel in love with him... he could see it and it made him ramp up, a few more notches, the really hateful cruel things he always had to say. Steve, my perp cousin was nothing like the more kind and loving model of a perpetrator that you experienced, he was the very opposite.

I always wondered though if he had been nice to me, if we had fallen in love, would it then not have been abuse? Always in the back of my mind.... what if?... and then you gave me the answer through your problem here... It would have been just as bad, and maybe worse... because no matter how it's packaged, pretty or ugly it's still abuse . I appreciate you helping me with that long running and difficult lesson.

You're going to get through all of this OK, and come out better for it. Recovery isn't easy and it's done in stages, you're where you need to be at this time. You'll learn and feel the things you need to, even the hard stuff, the confusing things, the contradictions, they all come together with work and in time. You're on your way to being there already and that's a good place to be (OK, damn uncomfortable & hellish for now) but really you're exactly where you need to be right now.

I hope you'll be feeling better soon, again thank you for the help and all the best on your recovery.

Gary

_________________________
"It's never too late to be what you might have been."

George Elliot

"You cannot find peace by avoiding life."

Virginia Woolf

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#356631 - 03/15/11 01:32 PM Re: Guilt and Shame (maybe triggering) [Re: trb1345]
risingagain Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/10
Posts: 588
Loc: Vancouver, BC, Canada
Bro, if being in love with him is costing you your integrity, and you feel ashamed, then perhaps you have to choose. Are you really the dirty little boy who asked for it?


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#356649 - 03/15/11 03:09 PM Re: Guilt and Shame (maybe triggering) [Re: risingagain]
mac80 Offline


Registered: 03/15/11
Posts: 38
Can people love us and abuse us? Absolutely. If people couldn't love and abuse at the same time, the world would be a lot easier. I don't know if I ever loved my abuser and I have no question that I was abused. But I'm pretty sure he did love me. I felt stupid for letting it happen. I still feel like I should have known. I stayed around him after I knew he was dangerous to me because whatever he gave me up to that point was the closest thing to love that I had ever had.


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#356652 - 03/15/11 03:12 PM Re: Guilt and Shame (maybe triggering) [Re: risingagain]
trb1345 Offline


Registered: 03/09/11
Posts: 73
Loc: NY
Healing,

I thought if he was mean and I could hate him, it would be easier. But you're right...it doesn't matter if he was gentle or not...its the same mess for me in the end. Thank you.

Rising,

I want integrity, I don't want to feel dirty. And I don't know how to do it. I know I need time, and my T will help me, but right now it's extremely challenging. Thank you.

Tommy

_________________________
Inside all of us there's a wild thing.

-My favorite book.

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#356744 - 03/16/11 11:42 AM Re: Guilt and Shame (maybe triggering) [Re: trb1345]
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
Well I can relate totally with you Tommy. When I was 12 my read did died, and a father figure molested me for several years.

It took a while to get thru this, Many years. But I am here.

Hugs MJ

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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#356746 - 03/16/11 11:50 AM Re: Guilt and Shame (maybe triggering) [Re: trb1345]
CheerfulJohn Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/22/10
Posts: 139
Loc: England (at the moment)
I've had so much support here. I'm sure you will also continue to find some of that "hug" here.

Be Well
CJ

_________________________
Wolves will live with lambs. Leopards will lie down with goats. Calves, young lions, and year-old lambs will be together, and little children will lead them.

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#356760 - 03/16/11 01:58 PM Re: Guilt and Shame (maybe triggering) [Re: trb1345]
1lifenow Offline


Registered: 03/07/11
Posts: 385
Loc: west coast
This is so tough because of the dichotomy of kindness and robbery. He made me feel special when that never happened anywhere else especially at home, and that is a powerful elixer. I wanted to please him and do a good job, there were rewards and sometimes even just an arm around you. I know what you mean about not hating him, it took me a long time to understand that. I hate what he did to my life, those around me and through me their lives going forward. I used to think 'it was just something that happened to me' but it wasnt. After me , I found out he went after others when I would longer not go back and likely there were also ones before me. So was I so special? For what he wanted I sure was. That is hard to take, even that facsimile of caring was really a facade. Used for sex, while making me care about him thinking he cared about me.

So I know what you mean about missing that thing that was missing from your life. I went back again and again under my own volition to get his special attention that meant so much. It is only through the lens of recovery I can see it for what it was, but it doesnt mean part of me doesnt want it again. And it is hard to not beat yourself up over it. But i know going forward, I can rationalize what something healthy should look like, and that wasnt it. so on we go, we can do it.

_________________________
The need for love lies at the very foundation of human existence. Dalai Lama

WoR Barrie 2011

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#356761 - 03/16/11 01:58 PM Re: Guilt and Shame (maybe triggering) [Re: CheerfulJohn]
trb1345 Offline


Registered: 03/09/11
Posts: 73
Loc: NY
I think so too. Thx John.


1lifenow,

I can totally relate to the rewards and especially the arm around me. Feeling special is a powerful elixir. Do I wish I never felt this, that it never happened? Of course I do. But I can't change that, and I'm stuck with these feelings. Thanks.

Tommy



Edited by trb1345 (03/16/11 02:03 PM)
_________________________
Inside all of us there's a wild thing.

-My favorite book.

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#356798 - 03/16/11 08:32 PM Re: Guilt and Shame (maybe triggering) [Re: trb1345]
newk Offline


Registered: 03/03/11
Posts: 5
Loc: NC
Tommy, reading your posts here have helped me see how sick I am.
We were children, I was groomed by a professional child molester, making a child feel special is part of their MO.
I don't have any answers for you my friend but I can tell you this. YOU ARE NOT ALONE.


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#356801 - 03/16/11 08:45 PM Re: Guilt and Shame (maybe triggering) [Re: newk]
trb1345 Offline


Registered: 03/09/11
Posts: 73
Loc: NY
Newk,

I'm beginning to accept the concept that is wasn't my fault, but I have a long, long way to go. Thanks for takin the road with me smile

Tommy

_________________________
Inside all of us there's a wild thing.

-My favorite book.

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