Newest Members
DougieB, sethpeterson, R Ellis, SailingAway, Kitty6
12320 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
Healer (53), Kilo (21), sdsjr (40), surfdude (57)
Who's Online
5 registered (unhappycamper, pufferfish, 1lifenow, 2 invisible), 23 Guests and 5 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12320 Members
74 Forums
63375 Topics
443147 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 3 1 2 3 >
Topic Options
#356553 - 03/14/11 06:00 PM Guilt and Shame (maybe triggering)
trb1345 Offline


Registered: 03/09/11
Posts: 73
Loc: NY
Hey Guys,

I'm new here, and I'm trying to get my emotions under control regarding what happened to me. I was 10. I don't have any hate for him... at all. He made me feel so special, and I believed he cared about me so much. I feel guilty for going back to him, and for enjoying it, and even asking for sex, literally. And I'm totally ashamed for it. And I feel alone. I have a hard time accepting that I was groomed and manipulated. I felt completely safe with him and I trusted him, even after the first time. And as crazy as it sounds, I miss him a little. I can't seem to seperate the feelings he gave me and turn them into cold hard facts. I'm struggling...

-Tommy

_________________________
Inside all of us there's a wild thing.

-My favorite book.

Top
#356558 - 03/14/11 06:25 PM Re: Guilt and Shame (maybe triggering) [Re: trb1345]
weharry1959 Offline


Registered: 11/13/10
Posts: 70
Loc: N/W Pennsylvania, USA
Tommy - I think nearly everyone here have gone through some of the feelings and thoughts you seem to be dealing with.
My abuse started at age 9 and continued through to the age of 14. I understand your confusion and yes, whether or not you can accept it, we were groomed and manipulated.
Mine came as my Mom was sick with cancer and my dad, who trying to keep the family together, was working 2 - 3 jobs plus daily visits to the hospital. As the oldest of 5 kids, it fell upon me to pick up the domestic responsibilities, plus running things on the farm. That's when my uncle/cousin entered the picture and showed me help and what I perceived was love. I don't believe (albeit I am a bit naive in saying so) that He didn't start out with the intent to groom, but fell into his pattern of sexual control that was placed upon him.
Even though there were initial threats I came to resign myself that I had no choice and accepted my fate. My hope at that time, was that I felt that if he continued to hurt me, he'd leave my other brothers alone. I saw myself as worthless and guilty for those kinda feelings that you experienced.
Yeah, I climaxed, it felt good, my body betrayed me and I thought that I was lower than dirt. Several attempts and two hospital stays later, I found myself here, just as you have and found that we are not alone.
We don't want to admit that we don't fit the mold of what a "man" is, that we were used by someone, whom we trusted and loved as a sexual object and nothing really else. When we admit that we were molested we somehow feel less than a man, something that makes us feel, well "less than..."
it appears that you are starting on a journey that will take you into unfamiliar areas and that we have to "admit" to ourselves, who we really are. I can tell you, it's gonna be okay.
If you haven't yet got a counselor who understands and has a history of working with Childhood Sexual Abuse or Adult Sexual Abuse, Please seek out as soon as possible. If your like me, I live in Rural Pennsylvania and not too many options. My best was The VA in Erie, PA. If you are having a problem finding one, there are some great Therapists on here who can recommend someone in your area.
There are a lot of great guys here as well. I have made friends with a couple and have even talked to them on the phone. It was awesome on so many levels. Kindredness, support, edification, understanding, empowerment. I hope that this helps....I know that this group is a great place to start and supplement your counseling endeavors. Bill

_________________________
Forgiving does not always mean everything goes back to the way it was. There are still natural consequences for what was done.

Top
#356561 - 03/14/11 06:45 PM Re: Guilt and Shame (maybe triggering) [Re: weharry1959]
trb1345 Offline


Registered: 03/09/11
Posts: 73
Loc: NY
Hi weharry,

I have started seeing a therapist, but only had three sessions so far. I'm not sure if I was just a sex object for him. He never forced me. I was scared the first time, but he comforted me. I always wanted to do a good job, as the good boy that I always was. And I wanted to be the best he had, physically. I worked extra hard to be that boy for him. And in that sense I feel like I exacerbated it. I'm here to supplement my therapy, and thats why I need to know I'm not the only one who doesn't hate my abuser.
-Tommy

_________________________
Inside all of us there's a wild thing.

-My favorite book.

Top
#356568 - 03/14/11 07:51 PM Re: Guilt and Shame (maybe triggering) [Re: trb1345]
kb8715 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/16/10
Posts: 808
Tommy join the club brother.

Those men were predators molesters and pedophiles.
I use those disgusting terms to remind me I am a crime victim.

Three years of abuse and many more of soul searching got me here. Glad you and I are here and will heal.

Be well.

_________________________
"You can get far in life by pushing except through a door marked PULL...." Profile quote in my oldest son's senior year HS Yearbook.

Top
#356570 - 03/14/11 08:48 PM Re: Guilt and Shame (maybe triggering) [Re: kb8715]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2434
Loc: TEXAS
Hi, my fraternal brother.

Oh, yes i know just how you feel now & how you felt then.

Yep, we were special all right.

I like you went back for those pleasures, went back to someone who loved me. He has been a huge part of my life.
I kept myself a victim for 55+ years because he loved me. And i loved him.

It has taken me a long time in therapy, and here and at those WoR's to finally realise that his love for me was false. I just couldn't let him go. It was he and i for all those years wnenever i did something sexual. He was always there with me.
I made sure of that.

No, my brother, Tommy, the guilt & shame does not belong to either you or I, nor anyone else in our situation.
I realise that that is easier said than done.

I'm here for you, if you need someone to talk to.

Heal well, my brother, Tommy, heal well.

"I will take that lost boys hand, and i will lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunshine, forever into eternity." As he is me.

Pete..Irishmoose.

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


Top
#356595 - 03/15/11 02:21 AM Re: Guilt and Shame (maybe triggering) [Re: petercorbett]
trb1345 Offline


Registered: 03/09/11
Posts: 73
Loc: NY
Its so hard, sometimes, I want to be his special boy again. I wish he was here to hold me. I hope I can get to the feeling that I was innocent, that he used me for sex, and nothing else. He was a pedophile, and I was his boy. His willing, eager, and happy boy, all to ready to open my mouth, or lay on my tummy. So ashamed...



Edited by trb1345 (03/15/11 02:22 AM)
_________________________
Inside all of us there's a wild thing.

-My favorite book.

Top
#356600 - 03/15/11 03:40 AM Re: Guilt and Shame (maybe triggering) [Re: trb1345]
1.healing Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/10/10
Posts: 261
Loc: NW Ohio

The shame shouldn't be yours, isn't yours, it doesn't belong to you.... it's so sad that you're going through such a painful time for something you didn't do.

No matter his tenderness or kindness towards you, or that the attention and physical feelings felt good at times, it's never alright for adults to have sexual relationships with children, never. You were 10, ten year olds should never have to experience such things. Ten year olds are impressionable, inexperienced in the ways of the world, open and trusting of others, innocent and vulnerable, that was you, just a sweet trusting kid! You were manipulated by a knowing adult who realized what he was doing with you was so wrong, that is a tragedy and where the real shame lays.

Take the time to work through these things, it's great you have a therapist and this is a good place of course to come for support. I don't know if you live somewhere where there may be a male survivors group, but it sounds like you'd enjoy the company of others and in person. Someday after you've healed more, you'll be in a better state of being to find that real relationship that can be a healthy one for you, it can be better than anything you've known. Hang in there, do the hard work and you'll come out on the better side of all this. Please, begin to forgive yourself, you did no wrong by simply wanting to be loved, what happened isn't your fault.

Gary

_________________________
"It's never too late to be what you might have been."

George Elliot

"You cannot find peace by avoiding life."

Virginia Woolf

Top
#356609 - 03/15/11 09:05 AM Re: Guilt and Shame (maybe triggering) [Re: 1.healing]
trb1345 Offline


Registered: 03/09/11
Posts: 73
Loc: NY
I believe it when other boys or kids aren't at fault for their abuse, but why can't I apply it to me. I should be able to say 'it wasn't my fault.' But I can't. Not yet. It doesn't feel wrong. It didn't feel wrong. It felt so right. I haven't trusted anyone like him since. No relationship I've had has compared to ours. It seems pefect, like that was what I was meant for. And its torturing me. I want to feel innocent.

_________________________
Inside all of us there's a wild thing.

-My favorite book.

Top
#356619 - 03/15/11 10:54 AM Re: Guilt and Shame (maybe triggering) [Re: trb1345]
wayne9 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/08
Posts: 161
Loc: alabama
Hi Tommy. I too have some of those same thoughts. I have never felt hate toward him. I hate what this has done to me. I hate myself that I have allowed the outcome of what HE done to me. But have never felt hate for him. I see him when there is something going on in our family....funerals, etc. I see him but don't feel anger at him. At times I want to walk up to him and say....yes, I remember what you done to me. Yes, it as effected most ever part of my life. I don't hate you but want you to know you screwed my life up really bad. I know that if I confronted him it would cause problems in my family. I know I shouldn't care because it would really be his fault not mine. But I have some much trouble worrying about causing other people heartache. When it all comes down to it I think I hate me for not hating him....Good luck Tommy. I am hear to listen if you ever need to talk.

Tim


Top
#356621 - 03/15/11 11:08 AM Re: Guilt and Shame (maybe triggering) [Re: wayne9]
trb1345 Offline


Registered: 03/09/11
Posts: 73
Loc: NY
I'm relieved (in a way) to hear that. The more people here reacho out to me on this, the more I start to accept that I'm not alone in the way I feel. I don't want to upset my family at all. I haven't told them. And I too resent myself for not hating him. I don't want to confront him. I don't think it's even physically possible now. Thanks for listening.

_________________________
Inside all of us there's a wild thing.

-My favorite book.

Top
Page 1 of 3 1 2 3 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.