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#356543 - 03/14/11 03:51 PM CHAT ROOM COURTESY & COMMON SENSE
kb8715 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/16/10
Posts: 808
I was in the chat room before and it was really working for men. There was a discrete, sensitive, and helpful discussion about fighting triggers during intimacy, an issue a lot of us face. It reminded me why this place can be so key in my recovery and yours I'm sure too.

I've also been there when the room is more like a locker room or strip club. I have seen it vulgar, graphic, de-constructive and triggering too. I have seen it as a place where some are acting out and effecting us poorly.

I really get what the "S" in ASA/CSA stands for. I know the hard way that even once you get past the trauma, guilt, shame, isolation, etc. you still need to deal with the sexual effect the grooming and imprinting did. At times I really think we all need to look carefully at chat and ask if we are supporting each other in words and actions. I think sometimes we fail.

Failing here in chat may mean a relapse for some. It can equally mean a member gives up on chat and slows or defeats their own recovery. I know for a fact that has happened. That's such a painful reality.

Failing here may mean a brand new member gets the wrong impression and does not see what a vital part of MS chat can be. Again, that's painful.

Like a number of Dad's here I am hype-vigilant. Many nights brave young men are in chat dealing and healing. If my son was a CSA survivor I'd want him here at MS. I'd be proud of him as we all are proud of the young guys who are healing and even teaching us it gets better. But I would not want him exposed to all aspects of the chat room based on my first hand observations.

This is a great community which has helped so many of us. But we do have room for improvement and this is one area I think we really can be better and be more respectful of.

I hope this post gets 9000 reads and 9000 supportive responses. I really do.

Heal well,

Keith


_________________________
"You can get far in life by pushing except through a door marked PULL...." Profile quote in my oldest son's senior year HS Yearbook.

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#356562 - 03/14/11 07:29 PM Re: CHAT ROOM COURTESY & COMMON SENSE [Re: kb8715]
r.m. Offline


Registered: 01/18/11
Posts: 106
Keith,

Thank you for posting this. Support and agreed. Please let us know when things have gotten better as I, for one, would like to come back. In the past, I have found chat to be very helpful, and have been able to help others as well. Lately, I've felt less than safe and helpful as it has been in the past and I've only been here for a month and a half. We're all grateful for men like you who strive to keep this site safe for all, both new and "old" members.

Thanks again,
B


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#356573 - 03/14/11 09:13 PM Re: CHAT ROOM COURTESY & COMMON SENSE [Re: r.m.]
petercorbett Online   content
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2452
Loc: TEXAS
Hi, my brothers.

While i personally do not spend much time in chat.
I will lend my support to you and if i do enter chat, i will do my best to show courtesy to others.

Pete..Irishmoose.

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#356581 - 03/14/11 10:50 PM Re: CHAT ROOM COURTESY & COMMON SENSE [Re: petercorbett]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2590
I think all chat here should be helpful and productive and not vulgar etc.

It's one of the reasons quite some time ago I had to make a choice for my own health and recovery, and that was to simply not use chat here altogether.


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#356593 - 03/15/11 01:04 AM Re: CHAT ROOM COURTESY & COMMON SENSE [Re: kb8715]
mrwhiskers Offline


Registered: 02/22/04
Posts: 193
Keith

Thanks for this post...... the chat room has been pretty helpful for me... but sometimes the conversatios get me edgy and triggered, i had to learn how to clear the screen and how to run out of the room when i feel like i migt be triggered, sad thing is i had to teach some of the new guys how to do the same....

We need to keep the chat room safe for all us...

_________________________
"Dont be scared... angels r here" Maria Fernanda (Mafer)

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#356594 - 03/15/11 02:05 AM Re: CHAT ROOM COURTESY & COMMON SENSE [Re: mrwhiskers]
1.healing Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/10/10
Posts: 261
Loc: NW Ohio
Keith,

Thanks for your post , it struck a cord, I've not gone to chat because of some bad experiences there. Have missed the more immediate type of contact with others as a result, think I'll now try it again.

Gary


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#356601 - 03/15/11 04:36 AM Re: CHAT ROOM COURTESY & COMMON SENSE [Re: 1.healing]
men_of_hrts.dbw Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/09
Posts: 302
Loc: Orchidland Big Island Hawaii
Keith
Yup-I type like 100 words an hour so I stay off, I gave it a try a few times and couldn't keep up, but what found wierd was a user was always there that never entered the chat and he wasn't a MOD--kinda made me wary

_________________________
Doug>ASA Survivor (1x)
ECV 6001/MaTuCa Chapter 1849
E Clampus Vitus
"What Say the Brethren"
"Hang the Bastards"

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#356616 - 03/15/11 10:31 AM Re: CHAT ROOM COURTESY & COMMON SENSE [Re: men_of_hrts.dbw]
Castle Offline


Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 734
Loc: NJ
I am in chat quite often, and have been since my early days at MS...there were times I had issues with another survivor but most of the time we were able to work it out.

This current issue is something entirely different...This issue is that of respect and boundries. Some here have a total lack of respect for new members, "older" members and the site in general. There are multiple places across this great wide web where one can go and chat if healing and moving forward is of no concern for you. To say that this is a safe place, and then turn it into an unsafe place for newer people really is hurtful and disrespectful...SO many people give there time to help get new people onto their road and feel safe talking about issues...People have said to me in private they just dont feel safe in chat.

If you have no intention on trying to heal..and are only looking to incite contraversy when it comes around..and prevent people from moving forward...I have no time for you.

If you have boundry issues in life...this is a great place to work on those issues...safely..but keep in mind that YOU effect others based on YOUR behavior.

We are all responsible for our own behavior...can't tell you how many times I've bit my tounge and stopped myself from responding to people who cross the line..as I dont want to be that guy, eventhough we might need that guy...there are plenty of times I have spoken up..and if that angers some TOUGH.

My goal in chat at this time is to help others get going and move forward on their journeys...there have been times in the past where I played a long with the locker room talk a bit....a BIG difference is if I know it is something that is a problem for a survivor..I would never intenionally keep it going and make people feel uncomfortable....Thats what I have been seeing....a lack of respect for people sometimes.

To those who feel that chat is not for them...its easy to set up another room (public private)...Hit me up if you need an ear...and while I can type..I can slow it down if thats a concern for you.

If you are looking for the type of connection where chat can help...there are plenty of people to help...take a chance...lotta good people willing to help, even if you have to wade through a few.

H

_________________________

My posts can self destruct at any time..read them while you can.

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#356646 - 03/15/11 02:52 PM Re: CHAT ROOM COURTESY & COMMON SENSE [Re: Castle]
teebone21 Offline


Registered: 10/31/10
Posts: 187
Loc: Zaandam
YA what they all said
BE NICE smirk


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#356658 - 03/15/11 03:33 PM Re: CHAT ROOM COURTESY & COMMON SENSE [Re: teebone21]
mac80 Offline


Registered: 03/15/11
Posts: 38
I'm new here so I don't know what issues you guys are talking about. But if it makes you feel any better, I just chatted and I found the other people there extremely welcoming and supportive and they answered all my questions for me.

That said, I must say that the nature of chatting itself is dangerous for an emotionally vulnerable person and perhaps someone with the know-how and position could rig up a warning to that effect.

The reason for this is simply because of the rapid-fire disjointed quality of a chat-room and the fact that once you enter one, you're on the spot to say what you're doing there. People who are subject to panic attacks should not chat.


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#356660 - 03/15/11 03:41 PM Re: CHAT ROOM COURTESY & COMMON SENSE [Re: teebone21]
Dewey Offline
Member

Registered: 11/13/02
Posts: 140
Loc: the sunshine state
I know for me there will be highs and lows, ebbs and flows regarding my healing. Lately I seem to be in a giddy mood. I don't know if I'm running or trying to make the best of things or just experiencing life on the bright side. If I have seemed insensitive or locker-roomish, I apologize. I do try to help but sometimes may get carried away in an off color conversation. I'll be more cautious, point taken.

_________________________
I refuse to use my past as an excuse to not have a future.
My hero Dad; Trigger warning- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Oi3Hyxuf5AE

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#356677 - 03/15/11 05:42 PM Re: CHAT ROOM COURTESY & COMMON SENSE [Re: mac80]
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
well I was reading this post but did not have a reason to add to it until I was just in chat and somehting happened.

Name calling is just not good, I know we forget what this place is about. We are here to heal.

And just incase we have forgotten maybe this thread will remind us.

MJ

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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#356715 - 03/16/11 01:57 AM Re: CHAT ROOM COURTESY & COMMON SENSE [Re: kb8715]
Czaesar72 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/10
Posts: 211
Loc: California, USA
Thank you for your post Keith.
I thought it was I whom had a warped opinion about he chat room, but I have been going in there less and less for the same reason. and I do feel bad for any new member that might come into the chat room, not knowing what to expect while seeking healing and he would run into some rather uncomfortable situations and/or conversations.
Thank you for bringing this up, you made an excellent point.

I have been thinking about giving up on the chat room altogether and just read and respond to posts for that same reason.
Not that I'm trying to be selfish by any means, because I do like to support our brothers specially new ones, but if my own recovery in jeopardy, I might have to choose to not go in there at least until I'm in a better emotional state. I've been attending the Rt's and HC's because I see the value in them, but I don't know what to think about the chat room anymore...

Thank you again! this issue needed to be addressed.

Sincerely,
Czaesar

_________________________
Alejandro
A very grateful Alumni of the Level I WoR Sequoia 2011, Ben Lohmond, CA, USA
and Advanced WoR Alta 2011, Alta, UT, USA.

The strength of a man isn't in the weight he can lift; it is the burdens he can understand and overcome.

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#356716 - 03/16/11 02:20 AM Re: CHAT ROOM COURTESY & COMMON SENSE [Re: mac80]
Tuggs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/20/07
Posts: 53
Loc: Pensacola, Florida, USA.
Keith, thanks for your post. I myself like the chat as I do not feel so isolated. I agree that there is a time and place for what you speak of: the chat room is not that place.

Rob

_________________________
Im alive. Youre alive. Want to play?
-Judah Rosner

My Story

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#356717 - 03/16/11 03:18 AM Re: CHAT ROOM COURTESY & COMMON SENSE [Re: mac80]
Czaesar72 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/10
Posts: 211
Loc: California, USA
Mac80.

Welcome!

I am glad that your first time in the chat room was a good experience for you and received the support that you needed. After all that what this is all about; supporting each other.

The deal here is that many of us can sometimes be "emotionally vulnerable" and that's why we go in the chat room, to seek support and get over the emotional vulnerability, as one may not be able to get over that emotional state on his own.

Normally when someone is in need of support because they are feeling emotionally unstable at the time, they say so, and that person would get the help and support he needs from other survivors as that is the purpose of this chat room.

Sometimes, the emotional vulnerability may cause one to get in a panicky mode, and that person might not have any other resources than to recourse to this site and seek the help he needs to get over a possible panic attack.

My point is, that every single member/survivor has the right to come in here whether or not they are prone to panic attacks. and everyone "should" come to chat if they have the need to do so. No one here has the right to say someone should not go into the chat room if they have the need to be there just because they might be prone to panic attacks or any other emotional issues for that matter that a person may be experiencing at the time...

The point Keith is trying to convey is that we need to keep the chat room safe for every single one of us, by providing a safe environment for all, free of unacceptable behavior, disrespect for others and even vulgarity and demeaning language or anything that may cause someone to have a bad experience in the chat room, not a hostile environment as sometimes the chat room can be.

I truly hope that you keep continuing to receive the help you need and answers to your questions without ever having to deal with a negative
experience. Please remember that this site was created for "ANYONE" that needs and seek the help for his recovery... Heal well!

Respectfully,

Czaesar

_________________________
Alejandro
A very grateful Alumni of the Level I WoR Sequoia 2011, Ben Lohmond, CA, USA
and Advanced WoR Alta 2011, Alta, UT, USA.

The strength of a man isn't in the weight he can lift; it is the burdens he can understand and overcome.

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#356718 - 03/16/11 03:25 AM Re: CHAT ROOM COURTESY & COMMON SENSE [Re: mrwhiskers]
Czaesar72 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/10
Posts: 211
Loc: California, USA
Gabriel,

I commend you for taking the lead in teaching new members to avoid possible triggering situations. It's very sad you actually have to do that and that even you have to deal with such negative experiences.

Kudos to you primo!!! you are a very valuable member of this community of survivors that we are.

Thank you for being the way you are, we all appreciate you!

Sincerely,

Cz

_________________________
Alejandro
A very grateful Alumni of the Level I WoR Sequoia 2011, Ben Lohmond, CA, USA
and Advanced WoR Alta 2011, Alta, UT, USA.

The strength of a man isn't in the weight he can lift; it is the burdens he can understand and overcome.

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#356719 - 03/16/11 03:30 AM Re: CHAT ROOM COURTESY & COMMON SENSE [Re: mrwhiskers]
Czaesar72 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/10
Posts: 211
Loc: California, USA
Gabriel,

I commend you for taking the lead in teaching new members to avoid possible triggering and uncomfortable situations. It's very sad you actually have to do that and that even you as a seasoned member has to deal with such negative experiences.

Kudos to you primo!!! you are a very valuable member of this community of survivors that we are.

Thank you for being the way you are, we all appreciate you!

Sincerely,

Cz

_________________________
Alejandro
A very grateful Alumni of the Level I WoR Sequoia 2011, Ben Lohmond, CA, USA
and Advanced WoR Alta 2011, Alta, UT, USA.

The strength of a man isn't in the weight he can lift; it is the burdens he can understand and overcome.

Top
#356822 - 03/16/11 11:50 PM Re: CHAT ROOM COURTESY & COMMON SENSE [Re: kb8715]
Morning Star Offline
Member

Registered: 12/21/04
Posts: 1124
Loc: Home
I stopped going to chat room long ago after getting ambushed by someone, who knew a lot about my story (from my posts) and threw it all on my face, and even tried asking me questions on the sly....for someone else....All this occurred in the presence of a moderator, who didn't step in..

I wouldn't advise chat to new users either....discussion board is good...it provide space to think what you are speaking (writing)...another disadvantage of a badly managed chat room is that it turns it into a social club, where many people hang around for other than healing needs...

_________________________
~ It's over!...Let go of Thy Past, Remember Thy Self ~

Why Don't People Heal, by Caroline Myss; 30 days to clean up your vibrations - Abraham-Hicks

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#357430 - 03/23/11 10:36 AM Re: CHAT ROOM COURTESY & COMMON SENSE [Re: Morning Star]
kb8715 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/16/10
Posts: 808
Thank you all for the supportive responses and the many PM's I also received.

One PM I got said chat had been out right unsafe to young men previously, and alleged it was covered up. WTF???????????????

Beats the Hell out of me. I'm just doing the right thing now to try and keep it safe & helpful for all.

Some heal well with the forums only. Many of us need the chance to connect here with others and Chat is a strong tool as we know. For me it has been a chance to get help when needed, and give some back which is every bit as healing.

Chat needs to be respectful at all times. Even since this was posted I have seen and corrected some racially insensitive comments and some I think were degrading to women. I also had one younger member contact me for help telling an older member to back the F*ck off.

I'm no saint. I'm pretty sure I went to Hell when I was 10. I don't deny I was ashamed by the effects that had on me. I think right now I have a pretty good instinct about what is right and what is wrong. I'm ok telling some people here who don't get this how they need to go out and get a clue. I'd be happy for your help with that as well.

Thanks to all of you who made chat safe and helpful for me, and thanks to all of you who continue to do so for new men joining every day.

Heal well all.....

Keith




Edited by kb8715 (03/23/11 10:46 AM)
_________________________
"You can get far in life by pushing except through a door marked PULL...." Profile quote in my oldest son's senior year HS Yearbook.

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#357460 - 03/23/11 04:22 PM Re: CHAT ROOM COURTESY & COMMON SENSE [Re: kb8715]
Czaesar72 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/10
Posts: 211
Loc: California, USA
Well said Keith! I'm one of those staying away from the chat room for now. Lately, it's been a rather uncomfortable place to go to for support.

I thank you again for bringing this issue up; hopefully it will turn into a safe place for people to go to when in need of support, specially for new members.

Sincerely,

_________________________
Alejandro
A very grateful Alumni of the Level I WoR Sequoia 2011, Ben Lohmond, CA, USA
and Advanced WoR Alta 2011, Alta, UT, USA.

The strength of a man isn't in the weight he can lift; it is the burdens he can understand and overcome.

Top
#357586 - 03/24/11 05:41 PM Re: CHAT ROOM COURTESY & COMMON SENSE [Re: kb8715]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6602
Loc: FEMA Region 1
Originally Posted By: kb8715
I was in the chat room before and it was really working for men. There was a discrete, sensitive, and helpful discussion about fighting triggers during intimacy, an issue a lot of us face. It reminded me why this place can be so key in my recovery and yours I'm sure too.


Ditto, but I'm also wondering if most here now understand what the "Survivor Support" room is? I'm guessing "no."

_________________________
I'm "that guy."

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#357588 - 03/24/11 05:56 PM Re: CHAT ROOM COURTESY & COMMON SENSE [Re: kb8715]
Neverquit Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/26/10
Posts: 147
Loc: Ohio
I completely agree and I want to thank you for verbalizing it so eloquently.

_________________________
There is always hope

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#357630 - 03/25/11 03:01 AM Re: CHAT ROOM COURTESY & COMMON SENSE [Re: Neverquit]
TheBobcatAgain Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/13/10
Posts: 507
Loc: AZ, U.S.A.
Keith, thank you for this post. It's an eye-opener, for sure.

I enjoy the chat room. I try to give help and healing when I'm in there, and keep the peace if things start getting out of hand.

I also enjoy making jokes and having fun in the chat room...but perhaps I do that too often? If this is the case, I would really like to know. I don't want to make the chat room uncomfortable for anyone.

If I am bothering anyone, please feel free to PM me in chat and tell me so. I won't be offended, I promise - instead, I will try harder to be less offensive. Okay? smile

Take care, you guys. I love you all, my brothers.

Bobcat

_________________________
You don't have to be perfect to be wonderful.

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#357632 - 03/25/11 07:03 AM Re: CHAT ROOM COURTESY & COMMON SENSE [Re: TheBobcatAgain]
prisonerID Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/08
Posts: 1247
Loc: Oklahoma
Bobcat,

I have been interpreting the concerns as being harsh comments made by some or when the talk becomes too sexual or triggering. Bobcat's statement here makes me want to ask for clarification on this. Is humor an issue in chat?

Speaking only for myself - I find a need for balance in the chat. Sometimes I am in the mood or need for serious talk but also come there simply for some good natured comraderie. If it is serious and I wish to just goof around I do so in PMs with others. If the chat is on a high roll of humor then I use the PMs for serious talk.

As in all things respect must be given to each person by each person in chat.


Daryl

_________________________
Broad statements often miss their true mark.

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#357639 - 03/25/11 08:57 AM Re: CHAT ROOM COURTESY & COMMON SENSE [Re: prisonerID]
kb8715 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/16/10
Posts: 808
Bobcat-CatManDoo & Prisoner Dman......no way no how you guys in particular offend any of us. Figure you guys are the role models for so many of us. Ya both helped me out of a flat spin along with guys like Shane and Castle.

Its not the easy going jokes...never was that. It's not the deep discussions when a member asks for chat room input of any issues important to us all.....intimacy, ssa, breaking a porn addiction etc. That is constructive and at the very heart of what hurts us all.

It is when someone in relapse drives the group to a sexual trigger with no good purpose. We have all seen that.

As important though it is realizing that too many guys here have said they felt someone pressured or even "hit on" them. WTF?

Maybe all this is just 5 or 10% of us so many really good guys. But you do see it here and it just is de-constructive when it takes place.

I don't think as some have said to me they are predators. I think they are brothers of ours in relapses and we do not want to enable them.

Hugs Dman & CatManDo-Bobcat.

Keith



Edited by kb8715 (03/25/11 08:57 AM)
_________________________
"You can get far in life by pushing except through a door marked PULL...." Profile quote in my oldest son's senior year HS Yearbook.

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#357659 - 03/25/11 01:08 PM Re: CHAT ROOM COURTESY & COMMON SENSE [Re: prisonerID]
westchesterguy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/13/09
Posts: 421
Loc: Westchester County NY
Originally Posted By: prisonerID
...Sometimes I am in the mood or need for serious talk but also come there simply for some good natured comraderie. ...


so, read everyone's comment here and i'm still not sure what is going on. what prisonerid wrote i agree with as a purpose to even engage chat.

nonetheless... maybe there should be some volunteers to just hang out in chat and keep things safe? i don't know. have only ever been in it twice myself.

suppose i should investigate before speaking more on the subject.

_________________________
Jeff

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#357679 - 03/25/11 08:17 PM Re: CHAT ROOM COURTESY & COMMON SENSE [Re: westchesterguy]
prisonerID Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/08
Posts: 1247
Loc: Oklahoma
Keith,

That was my thoughts for the need for this thread and I agree with you completely. I appreciate the clarification to show me I was correct in my assumptions.

If anyone does not feel safe or is uncomfortable they need to contact a Moderator so that the chat logs can be reviewed. Be sure and put the time and date of the chat in question.


Daryl

_________________________
Broad statements often miss their true mark.

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#364234 - 06/15/11 05:19 AM Re: CHAT ROOM COURTESY & COMMON SENSE [Re: prisonerID]
kb8715 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/16/10
Posts: 808
Some of the crap that's come up in the last few days.....redonkulous.....just effing redonkulous.





Edited by kb8715 (06/15/11 07:21 AM)
_________________________
"You can get far in life by pushing except through a door marked PULL...." Profile quote in my oldest son's senior year HS Yearbook.

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#364236 - 06/15/11 07:26 AM Re: CHAT ROOM COURTESY & COMMON SENSE [Re: kb8715]
RyanDouglas Offline


Registered: 06/14/11
Posts: 7
Loc: Michigan, USA
Keith, as I was reading through the introduction I saw there is a different chat.
A "premium" chat, for lack of a better word;

"Members Side' of the discussion board is a forum; to participate in this forum you must be a dues paying member".

Have you had an experience with this? I'm struggling with finances, but I could see how this dollar might be worth it, if it is really worth it.

As I'm just entering in to the healing process I'm scared I may regress too easily if provoked, but would like to use a chat too create a running dialogue, which may help.

Not just Keith, but anyone who has had experience with this; I would appreciate any constructive input you could offer.

thank you,
Ryan


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#364239 - 06/15/11 07:39 AM Re: CHAT ROOM COURTESY & COMMON SENSE [Re: RyanDouglas]
kb8715 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/16/10
Posts: 808
Ryan, chat is free...it is the chat room where you can get live support. Try it but use your boundries. There are good people there. This post is saying at times it is mis-used unfortuantley as well. I think the good far outweighs the bad think you should try it.

As I said the last few days have been redonkulos.

The "premium" is simply a members posting area. It's no different than here, just private to those paying dues.

Good luck to you. Sorry you are here but heal...



Edited by kb8715 (06/15/11 07:40 AM)
_________________________
"You can get far in life by pushing except through a door marked PULL...." Profile quote in my oldest son's senior year HS Yearbook.

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#364357 - 06/16/11 09:59 PM Re: CHAT ROOM COURTESY & COMMON SENSE [Re: kb8715]
DannyT Offline
Member

Registered: 09/14/03
Posts: 402
Hi guys,

This was really interesting to me (I've never gone to the chat room). It makes remember something I read a long time ago: a big part of communicating is listening, listening to really see into the other person and discover what they're really offering of themselves by the words they put out.

I'm not at all surprised, given our general issues, that there would be communication problems in the chat room, and a very difficult moderating problem there, too.

Solving it isn't just about being nice, though that's of course necessary. It would also require really adjusting our ability to generously receive on the spot information from people that might trigger all kinds of things without the trigger being really intended.

There's a sociology problem here. CSA survivors are unlikely to win "most socially adjusted" awards any time soon, so in order to be there for each other, especially in a chat situation, we have to be able to take the bizarre things that emerge with a huge grain of salt.

Above all, I would imagine, we have to be willing to kindly address issues as they arise. One of the things I've found helpful in dealing with odd stuff like what's being described is saying things like, "I'm not sure this is what you mean, but this is what I heard..."

If somebody feels pressured in some way, maybe the right thing is to ask about the tone being offered. Something like "You're getting pretty intense. I'm hearing what you're saying, but it makes me nervous when things get put that way..."

If something is offensive, being really open is probably hard for any of us, but probably also right on track. "I know you probably don't mean it this way, but those kind of jokes make me feel bad...No offense, but I'm taking off...it's just hard for me to hear that kind of thing."

I have a hard time imagining any of us really trying wreck any body's day here. I hope I'm not wrong. Generous listening is, in any case, at least as important as saying the right thing. When we respond after generous listening, we honor the other person's intent to do the right thing, and that breaks down our barriers, and generally we can diffuse very challenging problems that way.


Danny



Edited by DannyT (06/16/11 10:00 PM)

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#364377 - 06/17/11 02:19 AM Re: CHAT ROOM COURTESY & COMMON SENSE [Re: kb8715]
Thebo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/11
Posts: 330
Loc: NYC
Interesting that this thread has been going on since March, which is about the same time I joined MS.

My first visit to chat was horrifying. One member was making fun of another's spelling, language and dialect. It was mean and uncomfortable to witness. Others came to the defense of the guy being picked upon. The bully singled out one of those guys and rode him like a rabid monkey.

The chat room was like watching a train wreck. Still, I kept an open mind. Over the past 3 months I've made good friends who have reached out and been a support system I could not do without. Sometimes I've been sucked into the banal conversations, swore like a sailor, been plain old inconsiderate.
Through all of it I have been always been mindful that it is a space for support.

There have been times I entered chat when no one is there - and stayed. It was a reminder that something existed where the potential of solace was available.

Whatever happened this week made a big mess, one I do not understand. I took the time to read all these posts. I appreciate everything everyone is saying, but truth be told I am as befogged as before.

Very recently I had gone to the kitchen and my partner saw the chatroom. Tonight he said to me pointedly, "Oliver, these guys behave like they are in junior high school." His real point was, he thought I invest too much time here. Looking over the past week I tend to agree. What I've been reading is unsettling. Things about other people. No one offers proof. Everything is sketchy and comes across as here say.

Tonight when I sat back and looked at the past week, I realized how detrimental this has been to my recovery. When I entered the room the other day, I really did need to talk to someone. The bedlam of the room alienated me more. I am still pulling myself out of the effects of that. Those who know me know I don't really know if this "recovery thing" as I call it, works. On days like that I KNOW it doesn't. Realistically, I know my chances of surviving the process may be 50% at best. Still I carry on. I made the mistake of leaning on this site too much for my support. As a result my struggle has become more difficult.

No one here gets blame. I do not have time for that. I am responsible ultimately for whatever progress I do or do not make. However, right now, for me to take care of me, to cope with the acceptance of csa and the effects it has had on my life, I need to back away. It's not that the support isn't there. It became unavailable. With that in mind I see a lot about this site, especially chat, as detrimental. It's a hard decision. However, my partner's eye is a more objective one. I have to weigh in with him on this one.

I will not fall off the face of MS. That would be unkind to my friends here. I know they care about me genuinely. I probably won't be in chat a lot, and when I am it will be briefly. I'll read posts, but only to the point before the overload hits me.

My partner thinks highly of RT and HC, so I will attend those when I can.

In reading that I am following the advice of my partner, some of you may think I cannot think for myself. You would be right. Over the past year, I have had to put myself totally in the care of others. That's how incapable and crippling the PTSD and depression have made me. Guys, do I really have to elaborate?

Right now I have to take care of myself. It is imperative. Cutting myself off totally is counterproductive, but I am weighing and picking and choosing - separating the wheat from the chaff so to speak.

The faggot will shut up for now. I mean no offense or harm to anyone, but sadly, for me to believe recovery might be possible, I have to recognize the support I can gain here is presently very limited. I'm very sorry.
T


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#364380 - 06/17/11 03:04 AM - [Re: Thebo]
exhale Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/12/10
Posts: 101
-


Edited by exhale (01/13/13 11:24 PM)

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#364381 - 06/17/11 03:22 AM Re: CHAT ROOM COURTESY & COMMON SENSE [Re: kb8715]
illbedat Offline


Registered: 01/12/11
Posts: 75
Loc: David Wright is AWESOME
Sometimes it's the best place in the world, Sometimes it's the worst.

_________________________
Take me back to the place, where I've seen it before. Before the time I lost it, where you will see, the shadow that still haunts me.

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#364626 - 06/20/11 09:22 AM Re: CHAT ROOM COURTESY & COMMON SENSE [Re: illbedat]
Anthony39 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/15/07
Posts: 345
Loc: Montreal, Canada
"Responsible Listening is the speaking we do to prove to the other person that we understand what his or her total message said. It saves us from attacking and defending. It allows for no judgment of the other person's character. Its only function is the present, what the speaker meant at this moment, in this conversation. Listening is the suspension of judgments-until we gain new information."
-- Peter deLisser

_________________________
Look up and not down; look forward and not back; look out and not in; and lend a hand.
E. E. Hale


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eM213aMKTHg

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#364655 - 06/20/11 05:21 PM Re: CHAT ROOM COURTESY & COMMON SENSE [Re: kb8715]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1736
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hi Keith

I'll agree with your sentiments completely. Thanks for having the courage to bring this up. 8974 to go

Heal well
God Speed
Martin

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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