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#356543 - 03/14/11 03:51 PM CHAT ROOM COURTESY & COMMON SENSE
kb8715 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/16/10
Posts: 808
I was in the chat room before and it was really working for men. There was a discrete, sensitive, and helpful discussion about fighting triggers during intimacy, an issue a lot of us face. It reminded me why this place can be so key in my recovery and yours I'm sure too.

I've also been there when the room is more like a locker room or strip club. I have seen it vulgar, graphic, de-constructive and triggering too. I have seen it as a place where some are acting out and effecting us poorly.

I really get what the "S" in ASA/CSA stands for. I know the hard way that even once you get past the trauma, guilt, shame, isolation, etc. you still need to deal with the sexual effect the grooming and imprinting did. At times I really think we all need to look carefully at chat and ask if we are supporting each other in words and actions. I think sometimes we fail.

Failing here in chat may mean a relapse for some. It can equally mean a member gives up on chat and slows or defeats their own recovery. I know for a fact that has happened. That's such a painful reality.

Failing here may mean a brand new member gets the wrong impression and does not see what a vital part of MS chat can be. Again, that's painful.

Like a number of Dad's here I am hype-vigilant. Many nights brave young men are in chat dealing and healing. If my son was a CSA survivor I'd want him here at MS. I'd be proud of him as we all are proud of the young guys who are healing and even teaching us it gets better. But I would not want him exposed to all aspects of the chat room based on my first hand observations.

This is a great community which has helped so many of us. But we do have room for improvement and this is one area I think we really can be better and be more respectful of.

I hope this post gets 9000 reads and 9000 supportive responses. I really do.

Heal well,

Keith


_________________________
"You can get far in life by pushing except through a door marked PULL...." Profile quote in my oldest son's senior year HS Yearbook.

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#356562 - 03/14/11 07:29 PM Re: CHAT ROOM COURTESY & COMMON SENSE [Re: kb8715]
r.m. Offline


Registered: 01/18/11
Posts: 106
Keith,

Thank you for posting this. Support and agreed. Please let us know when things have gotten better as I, for one, would like to come back. In the past, I have found chat to be very helpful, and have been able to help others as well. Lately, I've felt less than safe and helpful as it has been in the past and I've only been here for a month and a half. We're all grateful for men like you who strive to keep this site safe for all, both new and "old" members.

Thanks again,
B


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#356573 - 03/14/11 09:13 PM Re: CHAT ROOM COURTESY & COMMON SENSE [Re: r.m.]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2436
Loc: TEXAS
Hi, my brothers.

While i personally do not spend much time in chat.
I will lend my support to you and if i do enter chat, i will do my best to show courtesy to others.

Pete..Irishmoose.

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#356581 - 03/14/11 10:50 PM Re: CHAT ROOM COURTESY & COMMON SENSE [Re: petercorbett]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2578
I think all chat here should be helpful and productive and not vulgar etc.

It's one of the reasons quite some time ago I had to make a choice for my own health and recovery, and that was to simply not use chat here altogether.


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#356593 - 03/15/11 01:04 AM Re: CHAT ROOM COURTESY & COMMON SENSE [Re: kb8715]
mrwhiskers Offline


Registered: 02/22/04
Posts: 193
Keith

Thanks for this post...... the chat room has been pretty helpful for me... but sometimes the conversatios get me edgy and triggered, i had to learn how to clear the screen and how to run out of the room when i feel like i migt be triggered, sad thing is i had to teach some of the new guys how to do the same....

We need to keep the chat room safe for all us...

_________________________
"Dont be scared... angels r here" Maria Fernanda (Mafer)

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#356594 - 03/15/11 02:05 AM Re: CHAT ROOM COURTESY & COMMON SENSE [Re: mrwhiskers]
1.healing Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/10/10
Posts: 261
Loc: NW Ohio
Keith,

Thanks for your post , it struck a cord, I've not gone to chat because of some bad experiences there. Have missed the more immediate type of contact with others as a result, think I'll now try it again.

Gary


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#356601 - 03/15/11 04:36 AM Re: CHAT ROOM COURTESY & COMMON SENSE [Re: 1.healing]
men_of_hrts.dbw Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/09
Posts: 301
Loc: Orchidland Big Island Hawaii
Keith
Yup-I type like 100 words an hour so I stay off, I gave it a try a few times and couldn't keep up, but what found wierd was a user was always there that never entered the chat and he wasn't a MOD--kinda made me wary

_________________________
Doug>ASA Survivor (1x)
ECV 6001/MaTuCa Chapter 1849
E Clampus Vitus
"What Say the Brethren"
"Hang the Bastards"

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#356616 - 03/15/11 10:31 AM Re: CHAT ROOM COURTESY & COMMON SENSE [Re: men_of_hrts.dbw]
Castle Offline


Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 730
Loc: NJ
I am in chat quite often, and have been since my early days at MS...there were times I had issues with another survivor but most of the time we were able to work it out.

This current issue is something entirely different...This issue is that of respect and boundries. Some here have a total lack of respect for new members, "older" members and the site in general. There are multiple places across this great wide web where one can go and chat if healing and moving forward is of no concern for you. To say that this is a safe place, and then turn it into an unsafe place for newer people really is hurtful and disrespectful...SO many people give there time to help get new people onto their road and feel safe talking about issues...People have said to me in private they just dont feel safe in chat.

If you have no intention on trying to heal..and are only looking to incite contraversy when it comes around..and prevent people from moving forward...I have no time for you.

If you have boundry issues in life...this is a great place to work on those issues...safely..but keep in mind that YOU effect others based on YOUR behavior.

We are all responsible for our own behavior...can't tell you how many times I've bit my tounge and stopped myself from responding to people who cross the line..as I dont want to be that guy, eventhough we might need that guy...there are plenty of times I have spoken up..and if that angers some TOUGH.

My goal in chat at this time is to help others get going and move forward on their journeys...there have been times in the past where I played a long with the locker room talk a bit....a BIG difference is if I know it is something that is a problem for a survivor..I would never intenionally keep it going and make people feel uncomfortable....Thats what I have been seeing....a lack of respect for people sometimes.

To those who feel that chat is not for them...its easy to set up another room (public private)...Hit me up if you need an ear...and while I can type..I can slow it down if thats a concern for you.

If you are looking for the type of connection where chat can help...there are plenty of people to help...take a chance...lotta good people willing to help, even if you have to wade through a few.

H

_________________________

My posts can self destruct at any time..read them while you can.

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#356646 - 03/15/11 02:52 PM Re: CHAT ROOM COURTESY & COMMON SENSE [Re: Castle]
teebone21 Offline


Registered: 10/31/10
Posts: 187
Loc: Zaandam
YA what they all said
BE NICE smirk


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#356658 - 03/15/11 03:33 PM Re: CHAT ROOM COURTESY & COMMON SENSE [Re: teebone21]
mac80 Offline


Registered: 03/15/11
Posts: 38
I'm new here so I don't know what issues you guys are talking about. But if it makes you feel any better, I just chatted and I found the other people there extremely welcoming and supportive and they answered all my questions for me.

That said, I must say that the nature of chatting itself is dangerous for an emotionally vulnerable person and perhaps someone with the know-how and position could rig up a warning to that effect.

The reason for this is simply because of the rapid-fire disjointed quality of a chat-room and the fact that once you enter one, you're on the spot to say what you're doing there. People who are subject to panic attacks should not chat.


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