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#356536 - 03/14/11 01:38 PM new to MS..
gussie Offline


Registered: 03/13/11
Posts: 4
Loc: Alabama
I have been married for only 5 months to a wonderful man. I have just found out that he is a CSA survivor 2 days ago. I have had my suspicions over the past 2 yrs and I've asked him a few times but he always denied it. I'm so upset that he (or anyone) had to go through this but at the same time, I'm relieved to know that there is a reason for all the things he has done over the past 2 yrs. I was researching and came across this website...already a world of information. I'm sure I will be here a good bit during his recovery process. Thanks for all you do!


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#356555 - 03/14/11 06:04 PM Re: new to MS.. [Re: gussie]
Lost Spark Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/04/04
Posts: 73
Loc: Chicago, IL
Gussie:

Welcome to our family... And I do say, family. Because I firmly believe, that's what this website and forum truly is. A family of wonderful people who offer their help, support and ears (or eyes in this case) to help in your journey.

I am sorry that you're here under these circumstances. I especially empathize because you are a newlywed. And I can completely feel your pain right now. Stay strong. Ask questions. Whatever you need, just ask us and hopefully we can help.

Many hugs and love to you.

Lost Spark

_________________________
"When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down ‘happy.’ They told me I didn’t understand the assignment, and I told them they didn’t understand life." - John Lennon

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#356559 - 03/14/11 06:27 PM Re: new to MS.. [Re: Lost Spark]
surflife2007 Offline


Registered: 01/19/11
Posts: 43
Hi Gussie -

Congrats on your new marriage. I'm sure this is such a difficult time for you. I can only say...be patient...be loving. I'm getting married in three weeks to a wonderful man who was also victim of CSA. He and I have been together for 2 years and I found out about some of his acting out in December...and that's when he disclosed the abuse. We've been on a roller coaster ever since, but I'm going to stand by him and marry him. I know he loves me and I know he is not hurting me intentionally. We had a breakthrough last week. He admitted to himself that he has a problem and is seeking a therapist in our area to help him deal with his past and present demons...he's very brave and I am so proud of him. If you ever need someone to chat with feel free to PM me...I'm always looking for support, too. This site has been really helpful.

Surfy


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#356563 - 03/14/11 07:33 PM Re: new to MS.. [Re: surflife2007]
gussie Offline


Registered: 03/13/11
Posts: 4
Loc: Alabama
Thanks to both of you for your kind and encouraging words! The past 2 1/2 years have been a roller coaster for me as well. All the while, of course, believing that I was the reason for his cheating, and interest in craigslist. I've wondered for about 2 yrs if he WAS abused as a child, and its only been since 2 days ago that I told him that I was about 98% sure that he was. This was after I found 3-4 emails answering ads on craigslist for sex only THIS time, it wasn't women he was contacting, it was a few transsexuals and a man. To say I was shocked is an understatement. I felt like the life was knocked out of me. His response when I confronted him about it was the usual...He had no intentions of actually meeting any of them, even though he gave them his phone number. I asked him of he was gay, he said no. I told him I was leaving him, although I didnt really want to. And at that point, csa never crossed my mind. Until a couple days later when I talked to his sister, and it it me like a ton of bricks. I asked her if he had been abused, and she finally said he had. Of course she didnt want me to tell him that she told me anything, and to top it off, it was his BROTHER...Well, I waited a few days and wrote him a long 6 page letter. I ended up just talking to him, told him he didnt have to say anything, didnt have to admit or deny anything, I just wanted him to hear me out. And he did, and then came the tears, and instead of my adult husband, I saw a 10 yr old little boy, scared to death, afraid I wouldnt love him anymore...its all been so sad. But as I said in my first post and also to my husband, its a relief to know that all the things he has done, all of his 'quirks', his homophobia, low self esteem, etc, has NOTHING to do with me and everything to do with what happened to him. He is considering therapy, which we all know will do so much for him, but when he decides to do it is his own decision. I am so proud of him for telling me and for the two steps forward he has taken.
Thanks for the support!!

Gussie


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#356625 - 03/15/11 12:29 PM Re: new to MS.. [Re: gussie]
SoniaDx Offline


Registered: 02/18/11
Posts: 21
I wanted to also say hi. I understand how you feel, as I am also a newlywed. We got married 2 and a half months ago. My husband disclosed to me after we got married and I finally asked him what was wrong since his behavior declined in such a short period. The other people here have been very supportive and welcoming and I read other threads and posts and it helps me put things into perspective. One thing that's worked for me and my husband is we go to marriage counseling. It let's us discuss issues in the relationship as a whole and has made him more accepting to the idea of therapy. He is looking to join a local support group as a way to get his feet wet, which will probably lead to personal therapy.

Anyway, welcome again. You aren't alone and there's comfort in knowing so many other partners are experiencing similar situations.


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#356654 - 03/15/11 03:15 PM Re: new to MS.. [Re: SoniaDx]
mac80 Offline


Registered: 03/15/11
Posts: 38
You are definity amazing women for showing support instead of running away. That's the best you can do and it makes all the difference.


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#356683 - 03/15/11 06:30 PM Re: new to MS.. [Re: mac80]
gussie Offline


Registered: 03/13/11
Posts: 4
Loc: Alabama
Thanks!! I could never run out on him...I've always wondered why I had such a strong desire to stay with him, even after what he's done to me in the past. It was more than love...


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#356703 - 03/15/11 10:37 PM Re: new to MS.. [Re: gussie]
Lost Spark Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/04/04
Posts: 73
Loc: Chicago, IL
Love is Patient. Love is Kind... Wedding vows I live by, on a DAILY basis... Rings so true with our situations.

You all inspire me to keep going with faith, hope and love, in my marriage.

_________________________
"When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down ‘happy.’ They told me I didn’t understand the assignment, and I told them they didn’t understand life." - John Lennon

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