I told him I quit drinking hard liquor (I still drink beer) because once I start I can't stop. He then said, "C'mon it'll be just like old times." I then swallowed the drink as fast as I could.
Hey, Ryan ...
That took a lot of courage. It was obviously very difficult for you to re-live those horrible abuses, and in that kind of detail. I'm so sorry you had to suffer that kind of horrible brutality, and that you continue to suffer from the memories of it all.
I wondered for a long time why I allowed my monster of an older brother to continue intimidating me well into my adulthood. I mean, what real power did he still have over me? Was it a faint hope that we would someday have a healthy brother-brother relationship? Hardly. We had nothing in common, and had barely spent 2 hours a year together for a couple of decades. So what was it?
I finally figured out that my abused little boy, the one he beat mercilessly for 7 years, was still afraid of him, and also still longed for my brother to love and care about him. My little kid had been managing my relationship with my brother for years. Once I saw that, it all began to change -- nothing on the outside, but my whole internal orientation to him shifted.
When my dad died a few years ago, my brother started to bark orders at me about what he wanted for my dad's funeral. I don't think he got out two sentences before I literally told him to fuck off. And I held my ground. He was totally shocked and speechless. It was at that moment that I got my power back and my brother lost his punching bag for good.
Your brother saying "just like old times" would sound simply creepy if it weren't so friggin sick. Unbelievable he would toss that out there as a reminder of what he put you through. I hope you can find the strength to stand up to him. That might help your wounded child to relax a bit, knowing that you're more able to protect yourself from your abuser. From the tone of your post, especially the first bit, it sounds like maybe you're beginning to get in touch with some of your anger. That was a really important step for me in changing the dynamic of my relationship with my brother.
Keep on telling your truth.