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#35632 - 06/21/02 12:21 PM Sypathy for the devil ?
Happy Birthday Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Last night the last installment of the excellent BBC documentary series on the Scotland Yard anti pedophile unit was shown on tv ( keep a look out for it on your tv, it's well worth watching )
This episode dealt with one man over one day.
It started with the Dutch police sending out a video of a man abusing a young boy, the mans face was clearly visible. A dectective in London recognised the man as a well know pedo' so they paid him a visit.
Strangely the pedo gave permission for filming to carry on, and to be interviewed.
The police tore his place apart and found stuff on his computer etc.
The pedo, was strangely relaxed through all this and when asked why he said it was a relief to be caught. He went on to say that he had been abused as a child. Some might say it's a handy excuse, but I think he was telling the truth. The way he described the unstopable urge and the rest of his behaviours sounded too close to home for me to doubt him. It made me realise how lucky ( a strange word to use in this context ! ) I am, his urges were the same as mine but in a different direction, he to young boys- me to men.
I can tell you it scared me SHITLESS.
At the end he was arrested, charged and released on bail. That night he killed himself.
I hate the thought of people taking their own lives, it's something that affects me deeply- even reading about strangers in the papers upsets me. But his suicide left me cold, I felt nothing. Like the detective said "It's a pedo' off the streets"
Lloydy

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Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#35633 - 06/21/02 03:01 PM Re: Sypathy for the devil ?
Cement Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/05/02
Posts: 740
Loc: Southern California
There but for the grace of God go I.

I watch a lot of the crime shows here in the US (Forensic Files, Medical Detectives, Mug Shots, etc.). They all profile cases serial killers , arsonists or rapists.

I watched a program about the Green River Killer, who murdered (they believe) over 40 women, many of them prostitutes. His craving, if you can name it that simply, involved cruising and patrolling and looking for women. He would rape, then murder them and dump their bodies.

Another profile was of a man who is considered to be the most prolific serial rapist recorded. He would have oral sex with his victims before penetrating them. They believe that he had oral sex with them to lessen the effect of the rape, to somehow imply that they liked it. He was interviewed and said that some of the women had an orgasm and that proved they were willing.

These two programs scared me. Given slightly different circumstances in my childhood, could I have become this type of man? I compulsively cruised, and always wanted my 'victims' to WANT to see me naked. This was how I kept the horrible shame and guilt from crashing in on me. I never really hurt anyone. I didn't even break a law, and they actually took pictures of me willingly. My rationalizations sounded just like that fucking sick fuck they interviewed. I want to puke.

Wow, you struck a nerve in me, Lloydy, one I didn't want to acknowledge. I am glad I did.

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And let the darkness fear our light.

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#35634 - 06/21/02 07:11 PM Re: Sypathy for the devil ?
Happy Birthday Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Quote:
There but for the grace of God go I.
Cement
That says everything....
I consider myself so lucky that my urges never took me down this road, never have I even considered it. I've never been tempted to look at child porn on the net even. But my particular urge was followed blindly, I sought, and found, a willing men to meet my needs.
I understood this pedo on tv completely, at one point I nearly felt fucking sympathy. The words and phrases he used where just the same as mine and all the other guys here. His de>
_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#35635 - 06/21/02 08:54 PM Re: Sypathy for the devil ?
Broken Offline
Member

Registered: 03/25/01
Posts: 273
Loc: Huntingtun Beach, CA, US
you know, i always spent my life trying to deal with my rage. In my weaker moments, I did some pretty strange things, sometimes i hurt myself really bad by recreating the trauma. And whether we like it or not, we all have a dark side. But I dont think i ever hurt anybody the way i had been hurt, and i always struggled to not be like those who would. Sometimes, when i thought the world had simply gone mad and me with it, i just figured this really was hell, and death would just bring me back to another place exactely like earth. Even then, when i was sure we were all damned and life was nothing but pain, my worst crime was apathy. It may not be much to most people, but it was (and sometimes still is) enough for me to really hate myself. When you stop caring, then nothing matters. Most of us recognised that no matter where you are, you have a choice. You may not like it, but it is there. For most of us, it meant taking out our anger on ourselves, recreating the abuse over and over, reinforcing our warped self image and destroying our pride. All your compulsions and mine are simply a reflection of our plight, to take out your pain on somebody else, or to grit your teeth and bear it alone. In a way, its a heroic, if tragic, struggle, between good and evil. Maybe it doesnt look that way when you look in the mirror after what you have done to yourself, but try to remember, no matter how desperate you were (and are), no matter how much pain you were (and are) in, you chose not to hurt someone else. You took the high road, even though it cost you your pride. Its cold comfort when you are down and out, but it will always be there. Its like a rock, you can pound your fists against your conscience again and again, you can scream until your throat is raw, but the choice is always yours. And like it or not, we have made the right choice.

Someday, if we learn to accept that choice, we can leave it behind us, and carry on with our lives without the guilt, shame, and remorse we have for having made it.


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#35636 - 06/22/02 06:09 PM Re: Sypathy for the devil ?
Happy Birthday Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Thank you Broken, I thank you so much for that.
Lloydy

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#35637 - 06/22/02 09:16 PM Re: Sypathy for the devil ?
Ron_dup1 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/13/02
Posts: 87
Loc: Arkansas
Broken
That was an incredible reply. Thank you. Your words of wisdom helped me to stop and take a second look at my life and my choices.
Thanks,
Ron


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