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#356053 - 03/09/11 10:10 PM EMDR experience today---is this common?
fhorns Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/10/02
Posts: 686
I work with a T who's been doing EMDR since the early '90's, so I'm not questioning him at all. I'm wondering if anyone else has experienced this. Essentially, my T has been very aware of my SA and dissociation, has answered any and all questions regarding his experience and others too, but I wonder-----"why?" I think I was.......unwilling to move (emotionally). I felt relaxed at the very end, but I said earlier I felt like I was near the edge of a cliff, but.......I was still locked up.

I've had only 2 full EMDR sessions so far, and my last question to him today was, "Is there some sort of pattern?" He responded saying he did see that everything was "locked up" in my gut, that with some people things come out quickly, and sometimes they come out slower. I guess I'm becoming aware that so much of me and my identity has been locked up so long, I'm (fearfully) approaching it, sadness is emerging as I'm sensing it's reality, and ...............I don't have ANY template for this. There's a "holy sh**!!" in there also, for..........I feel like I'm about to look out over a huge dam, but still feel so...so...so small, so powerless, so able to feel emotional pain again!

My biggest pain (in my present memory) is that of abandonment. I feel that right now. I've never asked this to any group, but who here has felt or thought they were controlling any movement? I know I'm not aware of what real recovery looks or feels like yet, but I'm feeling fear, some sadness, and awareness of loss. Maybe I'm recycling stuff that's surfacing now, but I don't want to be in charge and sabotage real healing. I'm blaming myself. Why? Any feedback, any at all, is helpful.

Alfred


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#356057 - 03/09/11 10:34 PM Re: EMDR experience today---is this common? [Re: fhorns]
LandOfShadow Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/11/07
Posts: 684
Loc: Minneapolis, Minnesota USA
I'm a little confused, but it sounds like my experience with EMDR several years ago. I now understand why pretty much nothing happened. It's complicated to explain. I can site a book, but also just say, if your quite chronically dissociative, EMDR I think will just send you into dissociation from your painful emotions. Nothing much happens. If you're chronically dissociated, you function pretty well in that state.

Is this true for you? Would you say your were quite neglected as a young child and had little connection to caregiving adults?

The complicated answer is "The Haunted Self: Structural Dissociation and the Treatment of Chronic Traumatization" by Onno van der Hart and others.

_________________________
Et par le pouvoir d’un mot Je recommence ma vie, Je suis né pour te connaître, Pour te nommer
Liberté

And by the power of a single word I can begin my life again, I was born to know you, to name you
Freedom

Paul Eluard

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#356063 - 03/09/11 10:53 PM Re: EMDR experience today---is this common? [Re: LandOfShadow]
fhorns Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/10/02
Posts: 686
My T specializes in DID and SA, so I'm not really panicked it won't work. I THANK GOD he has so much experience, and I've asked lots of questions.

I know stuff is just surfacing. Again (a big que here) I expected (really really really hoped) I'd move through it without much pain. Some came forth, but.........................it didn't all come forth.

Dammit.

I wanted wanted wanted wanted to not face it head on. He's working me slowly, but but but (I think like that too) I'm fearing a landmine will blow. I'm expecting THAT.

Alfred


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#356064 - 03/09/11 10:59 PM Re: EMDR experience today---is this common? [Re: LandOfShadow]
fhorns Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/10/02
Posts: 686
Originally Posted By: LandOfShadow

Is this true for you? Would you say your were quite neglected as a young child and had little connection to caregiving adults?



Yes, absolutely YES


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#356066 - 03/09/11 11:04 PM Re: EMDR experience today---is this common? [Re: LandOfShadow]
RecoveryReady1 Offline


Registered: 12/05/10
Posts: 433
Alfred,
What you're saying makes sense to me from the point of view of someone taking there first steps in letting go and what that looks and feels like......Your awareness about not wanting to control and sabotage seems to me like it comes from a real knowing and a strong commitment to the healing.
I understand it when you say that you don't know what real healing is....I feel the same....this also speaks to your awareness and wanting to take a risk and do something completely different because you know what doesn't work.......And if your anything like me a complete change in the way you do it or don't do it is very, very frightening........
It sounds to me like you are letting go ....judging by what you're experiencing......and you're feeling the fear, sadness.
I'm told that balancing is important ....to have definite ways to come back into today and to get grounded and feel safe are really important in order to have lasting effects with the healing process.........


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#356072 - 03/09/11 11:47 PM Re: EMDR experience today---is this common? [Re: RecoveryReady1]
fhorns Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/10/02
Posts: 686
you said something I had forgotten about: grounding.

He suggested the old rubber band on the wrist. Last week, without a rubber band around, I'd pinch myself a few times when the fear of approaching dissociation would come, and I'd suddenly be.....right here. I was safe. In my skin, and unthreatened.

Thank you. Honestly, when I first heard about it (grounding) I didn't believe it. I'd never KNOWN I was safe. I feel foolish saying that, but........I was wrong. It made me feel soooo alone.

Thanks for replying. BTW, I've got T again tomorrow. He said he never does back to back EMDR sessions, but he'll be off for 2 weeks for vacation, and offered it in last week's session. I asked for it late (Monday night via email), and was both excited and scared. I'll share what happened later. Thanks for speaking up RR1.

Alfred


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#356128 - 03/10/11 02:43 PM Re: EMDR experience today---is this common? [Re: fhorns]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
Alfred,

He's going carefully with you. You were so very young...

We have every reason to trust what he is doing. We must just go at his pace. He's the doctor.

Allen


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#356250 - 03/11/11 10:05 PM Re: EMDR experience today---is this common? [Re: pufferfish]
fhorns Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/10/02
Posts: 686
Allen,

He knew what he was doing, for we didn't do EMDR the next day. I wasn't questioning him, I was upset at myself originally. In doing EMDR the day before, I knew some part of me wasn't wanting to move ahead yet, and that scared me.

I feared (imagined) perpetually sabotaging my own recovery. EMDR is one of the most effective and efficient vehicles to work through emotional trauma, and knowing that part of me said "not yet" scared me. I felt powerless over a seemingly anti-productive part.........

Looking back, I thought again.....going to be loud here:

I might not feel pain when resolving this.

Not. I didn't trust myself with it all. The reality of having done only 2 EMDR sessions says I'm not realistic with myself. I hoped/dreamed/prayed I'd not have to feel all that again, but......some I will re-experience.

I remember this phrase: Trust the process. I'll trust him, but (just read this today) I don't trust myself yet. It'll come. It's just not time......yet.

Alfred


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#356251 - 03/12/11 12:00 AM Re: EMDR experience today---is this common? [Re: fhorns]
Jim1961 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/10/09
Posts: 1138
Loc: Pa, but likely traveling...
I have my first appt with the EMDR dr monday. Just a prelim meeting. not sure it will help me, but I am willing to try. Thanks for sharing your experience alfred.

_________________________
Loneliness is a power that we possess to give or take away forever. -Yes, Starship Trooper

My Story

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#356335 - 03/12/11 09:44 PM Re: EMDR experience today---is this common? [Re: Jim1961]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
Jim,

Please let us know how it goes. It will help a lot of us to share your experience.

Allen


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