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#356023 - 03/09/11 01:20 PM I hate...........
wayne9 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/08
Posts: 161
Loc: alabama
I hate what I have let this do to me…..yet I don’t hate who done this too me
I hate that I am 6’ 216lb but I back down at the thought of any confrontation as if I were a 120lb weakling.
I hate the thought of standing up in a group of people and speaking a word even though I have a lot I need and want to say.
I hate that I am ashamed of my body even though I have been told I look fine.
I hate that even though I had great parents they failed me by being so silent when it came to explaining things to me when I was young.
I hate that I spent all my childhood days thinking I was deformed because some classmates seen me while in the restroom. Not being circumcised they laughed and said my penis was funny looking. I made sure I was never seen even by my own parents from that point on. I didn’t know different until I was an adult.

More later


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#356032 - 03/09/11 03:49 PM Re: I hate........... [Re: wayne9]
wayne9 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/08
Posts: 161
Loc: alabama
I hate that I could be so good to someone but can't stay in a relationship.
I hate looking at little boys around the age of 8 and wondering if something terrible is happening to them.
I hate wondering what could have been for me if it hadn't happened.


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#356047 - 03/09/11 09:09 PM Re: I hate........... [Re: wayne9]
vachssfan Offline


Registered: 03/08/11
Posts: 58
Loc: TX
"I hate wondering what could have been for me if it hadn't happened."

i hate that too. for the both of us. with all my being. in a pure, crystalline form.

_________________________
www.memoryisaghost.blogspot.com/

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#356269 - 03/12/11 10:18 AM Re: I hate........... [Re: vachssfan]
LandOfShadow Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/11/07
Posts: 684
Loc: Minneapolis, Minnesota USA
"I hate wondering what could have been for me if it hadn't happened." ...with all my being. in a pure, crystalline form.

Yes.

I need to explore all that myself. Like, why do you hate that?

For me, it's because it prevents me from living. Now. Yet, what could have been for me, feels very alive, like what could be for me. Yet, it's too late for so much of that. To start over. It's hard to care about me now. Or feel alive.

_________________________
Et par le pouvoir d’un mot Je recommence ma vie, Je suis né pour te connaître, Pour te nommer
Liberté

And by the power of a single word I can begin my life again, I was born to know you, to name you
Freedom

Paul Eluard

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#356285 - 03/12/11 02:05 PM Re: I hate........... [Re: LandOfShadow]
Giggles Offline


Registered: 12/29/10
Posts: 14
Loc: Oregon
"I hate wondering what could have been for me if it hadn't happened."
It permeates me. I am loathe and guilty and etc.
If it hadn't....I will never know. I am trying to get myself to know I still can be some or maybe even most of what I could.
It is not easy, understatement.
Brother, good luck and peace, Giggles.


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#356290 - 03/12/11 03:16 PM Re: I hate........... [Re: Giggles]
devon0 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/07/00
Posts: 45
Loc: TX, USA
I hate hating. It doesn't get me anywhere.

_________________________
A life worth living.

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#356291 - 03/12/11 03:24 PM Re: I hate........... [Re: devon0]
Katarack21 Offline


Registered: 03/09/11
Posts: 25
I hate how my pain, my fear and my shame, has hurt others around me. Not intentionally, not my desire, but it happens all the same. My own idea of who I am am, my hesitancy and fear and disgust with myself, has caused women that I loved to feel bad about themselves, thinking that my issues are somehow due to them not being good enough girlfriends, that I must not be attracted to them, it's somehow their fault.

It's like a poisonous chain, stretching backwards to my sisters abuser and forwards to the women I try and connect with, and I hate that.


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#356295 - 03/12/11 03:31 PM Re: I hate........... [Re: Giggles]
oldguy Offline


Registered: 06/09/10
Posts: 61
Loc: st louis, MO
What might have been? In the service I almost blew my head off with a 45. Instead I blew this humongous hole in the back of the guard shack. I never took it out again. I married a woman I met on a blind date. We have 3 children (now adult). What if I hadn't met her? I wouldnt have those 3 kids whom I dearly love or her for that matter. I wouldn't have ended up in Alanon or SLAA or might never have discovered that I was a survivor of CSA. Life happens. Over some of it we have choices but where those choices lead is beyond our control. Plus there are things over which we have no control such as sicknesses or the date of our death. I just passed my 83rd birthday. Do I have regrets? Of course, but the past is the past. I can't change it. So there it is. Oldguy


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#356313 - 03/12/11 07:27 PM Re: I hate........... [Re: wayne9]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6422
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
Originally Posted By: wayne9
I hate wondering what could have been for me if it hadn't happened.


This one gets me too...especially in that I fought so hard to get a normal life and then lost it all in the worst way.

_________________________
This nation has lost its mind!

The Aftermath Video

The Water Buffalo Song

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#356316 - 03/12/11 07:47 PM Re: I hate........... [Re: Still]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6422
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
I hate not being able to trust anyone with my story (in real life)...not even one very good friend of 30 years.

I hate knowing that this IS something that I have to keep quiet in my small circle of friends and family. Those who know don't ever want to discuss it. Neither do I.

_________________________
This nation has lost its mind!

The Aftermath Video

The Water Buffalo Song

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