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#356315 - 03/12/11 07:45 PM I Keep Going Back
risingagain Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/10
Posts: 595
Loc: Vancouver, BC, Canada
I keep going back
to a moment in my childhood
where I was helplessly bound and gagged

gagged
a sock in my mouth,
mouth taped up
eyes shut
blindfolded

hands tied tightly behind my back
hogtied to my feet

this is the position i have returned to
to try to understand
why

my hands shake

he inserts something up my ass
i have a memory of the object
i have seen it before

its long shaft is blue and rubbery
with black ribs up the center
a childrens toy?
a dildo?

i squirm and struggle and cry
he positions it there
tapes it in place
and leaves me in the closet

downstairs

tied up
gagged

i feel something
arousal
stimulation
i fight it
but he has won

i struggle to stop it
i remember children playing
and all i see is pain

my childhood,
is Drowned in his need

after a time
he returns
touches me
and stimulates me
and tells me
"you like it boy"

oh my god
my dad is raping me

i squeeze my eyes
i block it out
but he is winning

i am succumbing to my body
aroused
he manipulates me
"see what you did?"
"this is what bad boys get"

i experience it as the truth
my 10 year old mind
it doesn't know any different

ahhhhh.. both a scream and a release
i grow older and it becomes my fantasy
to be raped like this

all i remember is
my dad
my provider

he made me his dirty toy
and i survived
by being that for him


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#356426 - 03/13/11 03:07 PM Re: I Keep Going Back [Re: risingagain]
Dewey Offline
Member

Registered: 11/13/02
Posts: 137
Loc: the sunshine state
My gosh, how awful! I'm so sorry that that dark thing has become such a fond and somehow comforting memory. We are here to slowly open the closet door with you and begin to allow the light to peek in. Here we are friend standing with you and waiting to hear your laughter too. But if you need to cry a while that's ok, either way we are here and thanks for trusting us.

_________________________
I refuse to use my past as an excuse to not have a future.
My hero Dad; Trigger warning- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Oi3Hyxuf5AE

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#356428 - 03/13/11 03:48 PM Re: I Keep Going Back [Re: Dewey]
risingagain Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/10
Posts: 595
Loc: Vancouver, BC, Canada
Thanks Dewey
:(:(:(

I am sad and I don't trust myself. So much of who I am has been torn and twisted away from me. Time will heal this. I continue to ask for help. Men are showing up, courageous men and women.

Thank you guy.
God Bless.


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#356431 - 03/13/11 04:27 PM Re: I Keep Going Back [Re: risingagain]
RecoveryReady1 Offline


Registered: 12/05/10
Posts: 433
I can see your sadness.....and loss ......and I admire and support you in this.......Your voice speaks for so many of us.......
It speaks very courageously and clearly to me.
There will be change.....and it will be better...
Something that helped me was to know that I don't have to do the healing.....just being open to it as you are....and the miracle takes place.....
All the best Rising,
Steve


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#356444 - 03/13/11 07:39 PM Re: I Keep Going Back [Re: RecoveryReady1]
risingagain Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/10
Posts: 595
Loc: Vancouver, BC, Canada
Thank You from the bottom of my heart Steve.

Your support is so helpful to me.

Hugs


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