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#356000 - 03/09/11 09:27 AM total wreck
vachssfan Offline


Registered: 03/08/11
Posts: 58
Loc: TX
i had clients in town yesterday from LA and Japan on a deal i've been working for over 6 months.
at work, i am the guy who gets things done no matter what. if it's a problem, i have a solution. my will is indomitable, blah blah blah, that's what my partners are used to seeing.

every ounce of me didn't want to put on my happy face and go meet these guys for what i knew would be a gruelingly long and tricky meeting with a potential landlord for them in one of the city's nicest shopping centers. a LOT of dick measuring and ego checking in that room.... and part of my job is managing it.

i made it through the meeting intact. it went decently well. i was *OK*.

we were then going to dinner with the clients. had to go to my office to amend a contract first. knocked it out. went to parking lot to get back in car. out of nowhere a truck pulls through lot with music BLARING. it came out of nowhere. the shock of hearing the bass boom out of nowhere sent me through the fucking roof.
in an instant i felt like i was going to jump out of my skin. i wanted to start crying but didn't. i started shaking so bad i almost couldn't drive. made it to the restaurant down the street from my office to meet them and had to sit in the car for an extra 5 min or so to get my hands under control. that *feeling* of being terrified wouldn't leave my body. and once the fear faded it was replaced with an all-consuming rage that made dinner hard.
i don't like feeling EITHER of those ends of the spectrum.
on my way home i got so upset that a fucking car stereo could make me feel that way.
last weekend at target, i was waiting in line for coffee at the coffee kiosk, talking with my wife and someone was putting up the shopping carts across from us. they kept slamming groups of them into the rows. every time it would hit i would jump and tense. after the 3rd time it took all i had to not go over and break the person's hands.

i'm tired of feeling like a total wreck and being wound so tight and having nightmares every night and not sleeping. i promised myself i wouldn't start drinking to make it go away but sometimes it's hard. i feel doomed and totally fucked regardless.

i don't know what i'm trying to get across with this. i just don't want to sit at my desk all morning trying to work on contracts but instead just have all this shit run through my head instead.

_________________________
www.memoryisaghost.blogspot.com/

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#356004 - 03/09/11 09:41 AM Re: total wreck [Re: vachssfan]
RecoveryReady1 Offline


Registered: 12/05/10
Posts: 433
I know what you mean....I lost it when I couldn't hear my friend over the coffee grinder at starbucks......
It's just a sign that we gotta take the time to nurture yourselves...


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#356007 - 03/09/11 10:02 AM Re: total wreck [Re: vachssfan]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6401
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
What you seem to be describing (pretty darn well), is hyper-vigilance. I too was in that mode for my entire post-abuse life. It got only worse as time went on. It got worse at a hyperbolic rate.

I use to travel (fly) nearly every day around the country and meet with A-level university deans and presidents. The TSA people pushed my buttons every stinkin time I flew. The yelled, they screwed-up, they were mean to old ladies, they shoved children...they were flaming assholes. I would BLOW up on a nuclear scale. They would not even call the PD unless they were standing right there anyway. I would give them a verbal dressing-down in public that would literally shake them. The state/local PD would actually never step-in. Then there's the other side....

I had a meeting with a dean in New Orleans who fully (fully) reminded me of one of my perps. I literally went into a panic attack and series of flashbacks right there in his office...and he could sense it but did not know it was his extremely aggressive, macho bravado that was rattling me.

Rather than close a large sale, my objective became to get the hell out of his office. All of a sudden, I found myself on the sidewalk in shock.

So...if yer wondering if you are alone in that aspect...no.

_________________________
Wishing You Were Here!

The Aftermath Video

The Water Buffalo Song

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#356009 - 03/09/11 10:21 AM Re: total wreck [Re: Still]
teebone21 Offline


Registered: 10/31/10
Posts: 187
Loc: Zaandam
bro, i got nothin to say about ur post but the youtube link
is sweet. love the band, liked Otts othr band too, crimpshine? ya i like the punk going on in there. did u know jeff ott was abused then homeless AND an addict? hes got kinda a greenday voice dont u think? if u like that kinda music n not just content check out distillers: this chick rocks. good punk. great voice http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aYmUtpy4evU


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#356011 - 03/09/11 10:49 AM Re: total wreck [Re: teebone21]
vachssfan Offline


Registered: 03/08/11
Posts: 58
Loc: TX
robbie: it is DEF hyper-vigilance. i've had it all my life. when i see any kind of bulying behavior in public i tend to freak out. drives my wife crazy sometimes as i tend to make a scene when it happens. i know i'm not alone in it. it just makes me feel like less-of-a-grown-man that a car stereo can turn me to emotional rubble.

teebone: punk rock helped save my life. i have all that stuff. distillers ARE good. i actually got to meet jeff ott and talk to him. i have his solo acoustic record too. worth checking out. fifteen wrote a lot of songs about abuse but i *think* "survivor" is my favorite.

_________________________
www.memoryisaghost.blogspot.com/

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#356020 - 03/09/11 12:58 PM Re: total wreck [Re: vachssfan]
Fissy Tsickens Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/23/08
Posts: 466
Loc: Bassett, Virginia
Yup, what Rob said. Hypervigilence. Annoys the snot out of my wife, too. Any loud sound has the potential to rattle me, and I really don't get it; there wasn't any loud sounds associated with my abuse (that I can recall). Anyway, (((vachssfan))). Hang in there! Now we should both get back to work...

:o)

Peace,

John

_________________________
Wish that I could cry
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
About a home Iíll never see

It may sound absurd...but donít be naive
Even heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed...but wonít you concede
Even heroes have the right to dream
Itís not easy to be me

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#356028 - 03/09/11 02:51 PM Re: total wreck [Re: Fissy Tsickens]
teebone21 Offline


Registered: 10/31/10
Posts: 187
Loc: Zaandam
wait. did u say u met jeff ott and got to talk w him? sweet smile
k then, you hafto hmu so i can pepper u with questions
about ur convo with him. do it now! lol


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#356245 - 03/11/11 08:54 PM Re: total wreck [Re: vachssfan]
Green Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/03
Posts: 115
Loc: NYC, NY
When you are a teacher, you have a teachers' meeting one day before the students arrive in September. During the principal's introductory talk for the school year. her microphone squeeked. I covered my head and dropped to the floor in a fetal position.

That's a great way to start a new year.


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