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#355977 - 03/09/11 12:12 AM have to say something TRIGGERS
Obi Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/28/09
Posts: 1333
Loc: kansas
i have to say something that i know is a very sore subject amongst survivors. i also know that i could possibly lose many friends/brothers here from ms, but it's my honest beliefs and i don't want to hold it in anymore.

for the past couple of days there have been many talks in chats, threads here on ms and other male abuse sites that have talked about abusers and how they are all monsters, scum and have no chance at redemption....

this really saddens me and i have been severely conflicted over this. i feel like in some ways i'm betraying my survivor brothers with what i'm about to say.

*tears*... i truly believe that there are some abusers that can be redeemed. that they are truly repentant and truly change their lives around.

i know that there are many, if not most, that can never change and should be in prison for the rest of their lives. however, i honestly believe that there are some that can change.

i know this because i have a dear friend, that is a brother to me, that is doing this now. no, he is not the person that abused me, but he did abuse his stepdaughter.

he decided that he couldn't continue on living his life the way it is knowing what he had done. he turned himself in and has taken full responsibility for what he has done and has accepted all the punishment that he has received and still receives.

i was told by a counselor that if he is truly repentant then if i see him as my brother then i should support him in his recovery. however, if there is any sign that he isn't truly sorry for what he has done then i should let him go.

well, since 2006, when he told me what was going on and that he was going to turn himself in, he has accepted everything that he has gotten, prison term, and has taken full responsibility.

i have been supporting him in his recovery. i know that this is not popular amongst survivors. i know that this could cost me a lot of friends and even shunned. however, i honestly believe in my heart that it is possible. that there are some that can be changed around.

yes, this hurts me. yes, i'm very conflicted on this and feel that in a small way i'm betraying my brothers here.. please know that i still support all of you guys and i understand your feelings and have every right to them.

i'll understand if i lose friends or i am asked to leave ms. just something i needed to say... thanks

todd

_________________________
live another day. climb a little higher.

my story

my vlog

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#355982 - 03/09/11 12:51 AM Re: have to say something TRIGGERS [Re: Obi]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6429
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
I have a hard time with calling that "recovery." I can live with "reform," but not recovery.

I do not feel for him. If he fails, if he catches a speeding truck...I won't care one 1/4 ounce of dog poo. If I were to learn the SHE forgave him, I would hope for him to truly reform and find what he needs.

This is too painful....sorry, but I hold NO ill feelings toward you Obi. None at all. You can't take heat for someone else.

_________________________
This nation has lost its mind!

The Aftermath Video

The Water Buffalo Song

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#355983 - 03/09/11 12:51 AM Re: have to say something TRIGGERS [Re: Obi]
mrwhiskers Offline


Registered: 02/22/04
Posts: 193
(((((todd)))))

_________________________
"Dont be scared... angels r here" Maria Fernanda (Mafer)

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#355997 - 03/09/11 08:43 AM Re: have to say something TRIGGERS [Re: mrwhiskers]
Obi Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/28/09
Posts: 1333
Loc: kansas
robbie,

i can appreciate your thoughts and respect them. i'm surprised that you said you can't take heat for someone else, when it seems like that is what you are currently going through. this is why i feel i could take heat for it. ms has been a huge saving grace for me. i wouldn't be where i am at without ms and all my brothers here. that's why i'm so conflicted over this and still scared that i could lose all of this for what i believe.

yes, his stepdaughter has forgiven him. he didn't ask for it because he didn't think she would ever forgive him. she talked to him over the phone and said that she forgave him. now, whether she truly has or not, i don't know.

i'm not saying that to persuade anyone. i just know that it's possible. i truly believe that MOST abusers are severely sick and should be imprisoned for life. however, i also believe that there are some that are truly repentant and are trying to do the best that they can to right the wrong they have committed.

i don't think they deserve special treatment. i do believe that they should get the punishment they deserve and so on....

idk.... this really hurts me too and i feel like i'm totally alone in this... i hardly ever talk about this, especially here, out of fear....

i feel like a hypocrit for boosting the courage of others here in helping them to face their fears and i couldn't bring myself to even discuss this because of fear... i always stayed silent... most of the time able to shrug it off. however, it's being brought up a lot lately in various forms and i've gotten triggered over it the past couple of days.

i don't want to be afriad. i don't want to be a hypocrit. as much as it's tearing me up inside, i didn't want to hold it in any longer....

and, like i said in my original post, if i lose many of you guys as friends/brothers, and/or get asked to leave ms, as painful as it is i will understand...

todd

_________________________
live another day. climb a little higher.

my story

my vlog

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#355998 - 03/09/11 08:49 AM Re: have to say something TRIGGERS [Re: Obi]
mrwhiskers Offline


Registered: 02/22/04
Posts: 193
((((((todd))))) Im not good with words and this virtual hugs might not seem much ..... but I understand u.

Gabriel





Edited by mrwhiskers (03/09/11 08:54 AM)
Edit Reason: spelling
_________________________
"Dont be scared... angels r here" Maria Fernanda (Mafer)

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#355999 - 03/09/11 09:10 AM Re: have to say something TRIGGERS [Re: Obi]
wayne9 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/08
Posts: 161
Loc: alabama
Obi, Thanks for your honesty. I am a struggling Christian and believe that anyone should be forgiven if they truly have a repentant heart. I know as you stated that some will not agree but this is how I feel.


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#356003 - 03/09/11 09:40 AM Re: have to say something TRIGGERS [Re: wayne9]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6429
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
I'm glad she forgave him. I hope he honors her needs and wishes in every way (financial support, staying away...whatever).

As a Christian (albiet rough around the edges and still reeling from the trauma), I must observe that forgiviness.

In my "Forgiviness" thread (yes, I forgave the four older boys) I added: "you can't truly forgive someone....or you DON'T truly forgive someone, until you also wish them well. However, the locus of forgiveness is with her and God. I can only wish all involved true healing.

_________________________
This nation has lost its mind!

The Aftermath Video

The Water Buffalo Song

Top
#356005 - 03/09/11 09:53 AM Re: have to say something TRIGGERS [Re: Still]
wayne9 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/08
Posts: 161
Loc: alabama
Very well said Robbie........


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#356008 - 03/09/11 10:15 AM Re: have to say something TRIGGERS [Re: wayne9]
earlybird Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/10
Posts: 1007
Loc: WA USA
Obi my dear friend,

I admire your words and wisdom. I also believe you have little to fear from your bothers here on MS. You’ve done a remarkable job at developing wonderful and supportive friends on this site. Some might take a different slant on this issue but few will abandon you over such differences.

As much as I hate the two men who raped me and refuse to “forgive” them I believe nearly all persons are capable of regret for past actions and have the ability to change. I’ve resisted naming my attackers as monsters. I have even pushed back on that term when some would refer to them as such when responding to some of my posts. What those two men did was monstrous but that is a completely different thing. They are capable of seeking help and working at change and yes, even deserving of forgiveness. From whom that again is a different issue as well.

Like always you have my support and undying loyalty.

_________________________
Balanced (My goal)

There is symmetry
In self-reflection
Life exemplified
Grace personified

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#356014 - 03/09/11 10:57 AM Re: have to say something TRIGGERS [Re: earlybird]
TheBobcatAgain Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/13/10
Posts: 507
Loc: AZ, U.S.A.
My dear brother Todd,

Rest assured, buddy, you will not be banned from MS, nor will you lose your close brothers over this.

Even though abusers are looked upon as the lowest form of human being, they are still people. As survivors, we NEED to get mad at abusers and say unkind things about them in order to help us in our recoveries.

Some of us will always NEED to frown on abusers; and some of us will learn to forgive abusers and try to see them as human beings again - to judge them based on their hearts on not on past actions.

I don't believe there is a correct or incorrect way to feel on this issue. It's only about what each of us needs for our recoveries.

You are not a hypocrite, Todd. You are a very caring and understanding survivor. Thank you for bringing this topic to our attention, buddy. smile

Your loving little brother, as always,

Bobcat

_________________________
You don't have to be perfect to be wonderful.

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