My last ssa experience was when I was 17 with a catholic priest (what a way to end screwing men, right?). But I've kept the fantasies alive (not about that bastard) for 40 years and whenever i'm feeling self-distructive i look at gay porn on the internet.

Here's the kicker - i've been married since 1983 and have remained faithful to my wife but my attraction to men has always been very strong. Sometimes I've though i was just bi. My psychiatrist says I never was gay even though I thought I was.

Anyway, I my hope, my dream, is that as I continue on with my recovery (which I've just begun)the attraction will deminish and one day go away.

You have my deepest sympathies and my best wishes. Hang in there.

Avery, if someone else is upset by your joy, too bad for them.

I am still ambiguous in my feelings, sometimes SSA sometimes not. Now, I think I look beyond a person's sex and, hopefully, into their soul. I have several good friends of both sexes and that's fine with me.... However,

Geeze but I'd love to have a romantic, I mean really romantic affair with someone. Not really sexual, just romantic, silly romance. You know what I mean? Where you are just head of heels in love with the other person? Where, no matter what you're doing, you're doing it together? I had that once, just one time, for a few months. I recall almost every minute of it. I remember those days waking up in the morning and knowing I have the world by the ass; even a cloudy day was sunny. But he was a victim of abuse, too, and he didn't realize what we had at the time. He called me a couple years later to tell me he was dying. It broke my heart but I couldn't go back there again. It was too painful. I didn't attend his funeral.

If I could experience those feelings again... well, I don't know... what the hell would I do with them? LOL At least I had it once, eh?

This was a baffling deal for me that started as intrusive flashbacks during sexual arousal and ever slowley I started to incorporate M/M fantasy into masterbation and was disgusted and turned on at the same time. I am 100% hetro with no homophobic issues so twice tried M/M sex, Drunk and unsucessful with anxiety/disbelief. Thirteen years after the assault I went solo and avoided/suppressed the repulsive attraction but the unwanted fantasies stayed during MB.
This was one of the first issues I came to grips with and was able to assocciate the SSA to the assault, especially when I read about it here. And it surfaced very quick since I was talking about the 3 decades of untreated post-assault sexual trauma and was aroused easily for about the first few months after disclosure. It was pretty easy to correct with understanding and practice. I used some custom ideas to get rid of it and I recall the first time I had success.
Took awhile but I have totally exorsized the thoughts and have been ready for the real thing for over a year.
I feel the unfair loss of my youth and a resentment when I compare my life to others, like I accomplished less regarding relationships.
I never lost the ease of rapport with women so I should do o'kay
Thanks

nothing is easy

and abuse fucks us up big time

Yes it is very hard. Sometimes I wish I wasn't born. I think I just need to accept because things seem to never be the way I hoped in my life. The potential and joy are buried under fear and shame. Some days are better than others but overall the affects of the abuse seem to win out. I am sad that there are so many people affected by CSA and I'm also comforted that I'm not alone and others are working hard to get better. Keep the faith.

i asked this question a few years back does ssa evey go away ive found you learn to live with the feeling and its that its noting to work myself up about.