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#355820 - 03/07/11 04:10 PM never telling
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
Although, I am fairly ok with it today, I still have residual thoughts of "never telling".

I thought about it constantly until I age 18 of telling my dad. My dad was divorced from my mom when I was 14. My dad did NOT like my moms family - reasons I "see" now.

Well my dad died last year in July. I still never told him.

This last weekend - week - was "tough" for me whenever I thought about "justice" for my uncle, my male cousin or/and my stepdad.

I link in my mind "justice" with telling my dad neither of which is possible in a earthly tanglable way.

I am living well today - this is the best judgement or statement I can think of.

Any thoughts?

Donnie

_________________________
aka DJsport

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#355901 - 03/08/11 11:07 AM Re: never telling [Re: Avery46]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
What do others do with the fact that you did NOT tell?

_________________________
aka DJsport

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#355902 - 03/08/11 11:16 AM Re: never telling [Re: Avery46]
RecoveryReady1 Offline


Registered: 12/05/10
Posts: 433
I told my mother about how it was, csa and and other abuse.....she was unable to support me......It was difficult....but I am so glad that I did .....because now...I don't have this guilt or fantasy that if I had only told her we could been closer.
She is gone and I don't wonder...
All the best Donnie
Steve


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#355906 - 03/08/11 11:44 AM Re: never telling [Re: RecoveryReady1]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
I think my dad knew something was up. My dad could NOT face his fears either in a direct manner.

In the end, I was with my dad and I know he loved me and would have done anything he could to have stopped the CSA.

Anyone else NOT tell about the CSA?

Donnie

_________________________
aka DJsport

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#355909 - 03/08/11 12:29 PM Re: never telling [Re: Avery46]
Rusty563 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/11
Posts: 200
Loc: Anywhere, USA
I told my parents but it was kind of blurted out no details and it co-insided with me telling them I thought I was gay. Their response? They sent me out-of-town for counseling. They were more concerned about me possibly being gay than being victimized.

After that I told my wife, who at the time time was just a good friend, but not in much detail just a vague mention of it. It has only been recently, since the beginning of my recovery that I've told her the whole story. She was shocked at some of the things that happened but she still supports me in my recovery.

My suggestion is to go to his grave and tell him. Pour out your heart. He may not be there to hold you and tell you that he's gonna help you through this but at least you'll have done what you felt in your heart what you wanted to do.

_________________________
There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you - Maya Angelous
Freedom is never voluntarily given by the oppressor; it must be demanded by the oppressed - Martin Luther King
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5qF_qbaWt3Q
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KDOkMSf-F14

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#355916 - 03/08/11 01:18 PM Re: never telling [Re: Avery46]
Hopefulone Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/08/11
Posts: 117
Loc: Ontario
Originally Posted By: Avery46
What do others do with the fact that you did NOT tell?


Well, for the first 7 years I just hated myself for not telling on my rapist. Then, for 26 years, I hated myself even more...for not being able to tell on him. He died when I was 18. He got away with it.

Telling a month ago did a lot for me...in certain ways...but it will never make up for the fact that I can't TELL and see the bastard get what he deserves. I wish when I was 11-18 I had been brave enough to tell SOMEBODY what he did to me. I will regret that FOREVER.


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#355921 - 03/08/11 01:45 PM Re: never telling [Re: Hopefulone]
Dan99 Offline


Registered: 06/18/07
Posts: 100
Loc: Washington DC
Interesting topic. I did not tell when I was a youngster. I was simply too terrified. My dad had died. My mom was a loon, and she invited the perp into our home and turned us over to him, though she didn't know what he was doing. There really was no one I was close enough to that I could tell.

I've always been angry at the people who should have known, but didn't. Since then I've realized that they probably didn't know how to go about approaching me to discuss it. They were probably embarassed and worried about stirring up allegations. And frankly I was such a mess in so many ways, it was not an appealing prospect for anyone to try to get me to open up about it. Ugh.

And finally I did tell when I was about 20. It was to an investigator for the state that was looking into other allegations against the same perp. They were looking into his background because he was involved in a child abuse case. I was a young adult, and that was one of the toughest things I ever did. And nothing ever came of it.

I still don't get that, whether they didn't believe me or exactly what happened. I remember telling my brother to warn him that I expected they would contact him to corroborate what I had said. I didn't want him sideswiped. And then nothing.

It disillusioned me to this day. It's like the system leaves it up to me to scream it from the rooftops if I wanted anything done. That's just so totally unrealistic that I'm very doubtful that there's ever much justice for these rapists except in rare cases. Who the hell wants to go telling anyone about this? For what? There's no fixing it for me. So why the hell would I go out of my way to make their case for them. And when I did the tough thing and told them, nothing. Fucking idiot bureaucrats just collecting a paycheck and waiting for a pension and trying to make life easy for themselves. Pathetic.

So from my point of view, 'telling' is overrated.

_________________________
Work like you don't need the money;
dance like no one is watching;
sing like no one is listening;
love like you've never been hurt;
and live life every day as if it were your last.

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#355926 - 03/08/11 02:19 PM Re: never telling [Re: Dan99]
Fissy Tsickens Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/23/08
Posts: 466
Loc: Bassett, Virginia
Didn't tell when I was a kid; I was threatened with death. My rapist supposedly had ties to the Mafia (I grew up in NY), so I was scared shitless.

Then I stuffed it all down and made it all go away for 32 years.

Two years ago, I imploded. Acted out, got caught by my wife. Into counselling. A few months in, after a counselling session, in the car on the way home, I blurted it out (I believe her exact words were, "Well, that explains a lot!". For the ensuing two years, she has been after me to tell my parents. I don't feel it is the right thing to do because at this point, they are both in their 80's, in very frail health, and I'm afraid it could really have a negative impact on them. So, I'll keep my mouth shut.

Maybe someday I'll go to their graves and spill it. Not such a bad idea. Off my chest with none of the mess.

Peace,

John

_________________________
Wish that I could cry
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
About a home Iíll never see

It may sound absurd...but donít be naive
Even heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed...but wonít you concede
Even heroes have the right to dream
Itís not easy to be me

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#355927 - 03/08/11 02:39 PM Re: never telling [Re: Fissy Tsickens]
rickovery Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 03/04/11
Posts: 21
Loc: Ohio
Well,John, you have a point about saying it at their graves. Do your own private ceremony by tying a note card to the end of a string on a helium filled balloon, then on one side state what you are happy with them for....on the other side state what you are angry with them for. It helped me a bit. Just a thought. You can say whatever you want. It will travel to who knows where. Do not put personal names on it, but be specific enough to know by you and your heart it was meant for your dad and / or mom.


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#355930 - 03/08/11 02:51 PM Re: never telling [Re: rickovery]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: rickovery
... Do your own private ceremony by tying a note card to the end of a string on a helium filled balloon, ...


Thanks all of you for your imput. I did do a "ritual" to "burn" the essence of the remaining perp.

Rick,

I like the above with sending a message to heaven.

Donnie

_________________________
aka DJsport

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