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#35579 - 04/05/05 04:14 PM feeling cowardly
bkeithb Offline
Member

Registered: 03/23/05
Posts: 63
Loc: Milwaukee
After making a baby step last week (by calling some counselors in my area) ... I feel like I've taken a step backwards this week in this whole recovery process.

See, in order to be able to spend the money to see the counselor, I need to first share the SA with my wife. We do not make major spending decisions without telling the other (and therapy qualifies, I've found). But, I find it incredibly difficult to broach the topic of my SA with her. Impossible, really! I'm a complete coward about opening up to her.

Then I begin to "rationalize" and justify it all. I think, ... well, I've gone 25+ yr. without telling a soul ... I've done alright ... been married 17+ yr. without telling her ... and we're still together ... what's the point?

Damn that Michael Jackson! If he weren't in the news, I'd never started thinking about this crap again. Don't you just hate it when reality slaps you upside the face and dares you to do something about it?

Thanks for letting me "rant" a bit this morning ...

_________________________
bkeithb

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#35580 - 04/05/05 04:36 PM Re: feeling cowardly
ScottyTodd Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 02/12/03
Posts: 1561
Loc: Pennsylvania
bkeithb - Ranting? This is the place to "work through" your stuff! You are working through some important decisions for your recovery...rant, vent, question...we're hear to listen and support you. Have confidence, many of us married guys have had to walk that walk! It isn't easy but the benefits of recovery are "too marvelous for words" !!! Good Luck!!

Howard

_________________________
If you think you can or you can't - you're right!.......anon
It's never too late to have a happy childhood!.....anon
You're very normal for the abnormal situation you've been through..............S. Todd

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#35581 - 04/05/05 04:36 PM Re: feeling cowardly
theo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/28/03
Posts: 1122
keith,
this may sound flippant, but it works...slap it back.

i have been through dante's nightmares in the last year and what finally started working was taking my life back on my terms. it was a case of whup ass, iron balls, and the final peice of the puzzle, my name change. all of that has worked towards my gaining control of my life on my terms while still pursuing recovery. eye of the tiger, keith. i know how hard it is, and i know your post was mainly a rant...but when you are fully ready you are going to whip out your own case of it and start popping those tabs. i am here if you need me.

_________________________
journey well,
theo dewolfe

- It is gift, and gift will find its way
- I inherit through my choice. I build through my affirmation. It is through my freedom that I nurture, or fade into autonomy
- I was not given to serve life, but to embrace it

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#35582 - 04/05/05 05:46 PM Re: feeling cowardly
Moving on Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 03/31/05
Posts: 5
Loc: Maryland
I just wanted to say that I feel the same way about MJ. Right now, the man makes my skin crawl. For all of us, I hope he gets what he has surely earned. What is unfortunate is the detailed de>

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#35583 - 04/05/05 05:50 PM Re: feeling cowardly
Aden Offline
Member

Registered: 07/05/04
Posts: 499
Dear wife,

I have a problem that has been bothering me for a long time, for which I need professional counseling. Thank you for understand that this is an economic decision that I must make on my own.

PS: I love you.


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#35584 - 04/05/05 08:42 PM Re: feeling cowardly
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
bkeithb, If I remember rightly, you said you are a minister.

This is a profession, where you are so frank and honest with your flock, the ability to listen, and share.

Going around with all the burden of not telling a soul about this, sure is a massive burden, is it any wonder that none of us really want to tell our loved ones.

We always wonder what the outcome may be, but in order to seek the help you need, then I think your wife will back you, as she loved you enough to marry you.

Write her a letter, and leave it for her to find when she is alone, tell her how the embarrassment and fear has kept you quiet for so long, and ask her to keep the secret close.

It sucks, but at least she may have some input into therapy with you, and it may just be the biggest step, but the most positive step you can make.

Any girl who I managed to tell, were really caring towards my plight,

Good luck,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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#35585 - 04/05/05 10:59 PM Re: feeling cowardly
bkeithb Offline
Member

Registered: 03/23/05
Posts: 63
Loc: Milwaukee
As usual - thanks for support and encouragement, friends.

Theo - good idea about "slapping back" when reality slaps us in the face. Not there yet ... but someday \:\) .

Aden & Reality2k4 - I like the idea of writing her a letter about this (others have suggested via PM). However, I'd still have to face her eventually ... (ha).

And yes, I am a minister ... and this is a burden I'm carrying at the moment. If I were counseling myself, I'd tell me to seek professional help and that my relationship with my wife would likely be strengthened through sharing. It all sounds so reasonable in my head ... but my heart keeps saying "bury it back where you had it before and move on!"

So, I'll have to really think & pray about this move. I guess if I'm gut-level honest about it, I don't want my wife to think less of me. What she thinks/feels about me "matters" intensely to me. Will she ask the questions I ask myself? "Why didn't you say "No" ... (esp. when I was a teen with the teacher)? " ... "Are you homosexual ... bi-sexual?" ... etc.

I have every reason to believe she will be loving and supportive. But it still scares me half to death. Also, because it is like the proverbial toothpaste squeezed out of the tube ... once out, can't put it back in!

_________________________
bkeithb

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#35587 - 04/06/05 04:29 PM Re: feeling cowardly
Rustam Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/04
Posts: 473
Loc: UK
bkeithb,

I am a bit late to this. When I first told someone it was my partner. I was so shame filled and guilty that I told her as though I was confessing some terrible wrong I had done. I expected her (not in my head but at a feeling level) to reject me and as I told her white faced with fear of her judgement she visibly recoiled from me. It was the way I told her not what I told her, she was just picking up on my feelings of self-disgust and self blame. Looking back it would have been better had I told someone neutral first like a t so that when I told her I would have not have been coming with such a distorted perspective. She was distant for some time before she figured out that I was not dirty and guilty or a damaged freak because of what happened to me. I donít know if its possible to tell your wife that you need to do some counselling without telling her the reason, it might be a possibility for you.

Its only natural to feel this fear, good luck with whatever you decide,


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#35588 - 04/06/05 08:01 PM Re: feeling cowardly
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Keith, been thinking on this one, rustam has good points to make.

It is a massive step to have to go through, and maybe a good T could give guidance.

You have this massive burden, but it does not get any lighter, you sure wish you could just face it head on and tell her, but not so sure of the outcome.

Thing is though, that if you let it go on, it just causes so much mental sh*t, because of maybe the outcome, one way or another though, she is gonna have to find out someday.

Imagine the relief when it does.

I do not know your wife or your relationship with her, but I can imagine this crap has done harm to what should be normal life to you both.

How about phoning a good marriage counsellor, and seeing whether they can give you a sway on this, you are bound to come across one with experience of this,

good luck,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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#35589 - 04/06/05 10:37 PM Re: feeling cowardly
bkeithb Offline
Member

Registered: 03/23/05
Posts: 63
Loc: Milwaukee
Reality & Rustam ... (and all)

Thanks for the support and suggestions.

I posted "My Story" under "Survivor Stories" today. My thinking is that, perhaps, by writing it out, I could get in my head what I do and don't want to share. A sort of dry run?


I'd appreciate anyone looking at it and giving me PM feedback as to if I reveal too much or if this would be suitable to share with my wife.

Thanks again for everything!

_________________________
bkeithb

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