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#355531 - 03/04/11 08:51 AM Why did I let it happen?
bluejay Offline


Registered: 02/23/11
Posts: 51
First on my list, how could I have let it happen?

A 20 year old guy is supposed to be able to defend himself correct? How could I have been so blind, so unaware, so weak in my mind, heart and spirit that I could simply give up and be shaken to my core just from a glance?

I had only stopped by the house for maybe 10 minutes, if that, just to pick up the rest of my things. It was the middle of the day, my father was at work and no one was at home. I never heard his car, I didn't hear the front door open, and I didn't hear him coming up the stairs.

Hours later when it was over and I was alone again I thought about his timing. I realized that my middle brother was the only person who knew I was going there that day. It all made sense that once again he set the stage for another one of my oldest brothers insane and complex acts of violence toward me.

WHY?

I am in so much pain over that simple little three letter word. Why?

I crawled into the closet and remained there in the dark and kept asking myself over and over, why did I let this happen?


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#355547 - 03/04/11 10:59 AM Re: Why did I let it happen? [Re: bluejay]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
Bluejay,

Sexual Abuse/assault has a "vale" over it. It is very common for the victim/survivor to make excuses and take the blame. IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT.

Yes, a healthy 20-yr old can see the "vale" but things this past assaults are mind altering events.

As an adult, I have allowed assaults to happen as I was still under the vale of being ok with the sexual assaults.

Be gentle with yourself as you evaluate the happenings of your assaults.

Donnie



Edited by Avery46 (03/05/11 11:47 AM)
_________________________
aka DJsport

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#355592 - 03/04/11 08:20 PM Re: Why did I let it happen? [Re: Avery46]
prisonerID Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/08
Posts: 1247
Loc: Oklahoma
bluejay,

I read over what you wrote and thought of how many times I have thought something similar for myself. I was in my late twenties and I froze rather than fight back against the two men. I honestly thought I could out think them right up to the point the sexual assaults began. And all the years since I have wrestled with why I could not stop it. Why could I not prevent it in the first place? Why did I not even be more watchful and aware?

You were set up and ambushed. You should not blame yourself for not having every angle in the world figured out. Just like I could not either. My last therapist asked me if a man my age at the time of the assaults knew everything. If he, third person, would be able to see around every corner in life and predict all the bad things that can happen in life. And putting my story into third person helped me to see that "he" could not have seen what was coming. And "he" could not have fought off two guys - one having a knife and one a gun. I just have to keep applying that to "me" and I am doing better at that these days.

I would suggest you try the third person scenario for yourself. See if the twenty year old in this really is at fault.

Being an adult man does not make us any less a victim on those nights just because of our gender or our age. I can be a "victim no longer" and be a survivor now but I cannot let go of being a victim that night. For that then places the blame and shame back on me. And we do not deserve to wear that mantle.

It was not your fault. It never was and never will be.


Daryl

_________________________
Broad statements often miss their true mark.

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#355598 - 03/04/11 09:50 PM Re: Why did I let it happen? [Re: prisonerID]
Michael Murphy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/02/11
Posts: 19
Loc: United States
Bluejay,

First I wan to say I'm Sorry, And its in no way your fault. LET ME SAY IT AGAIN-NOT YOR FAULT. Just because we are grown up does not mean we do not get afraid or freeze up. Im a grown man too. But when I get afraid I shut down too.... I am here for you, just let me or anyone else here if we can help.

Mike Murphy

_________________________
Michael Murphy

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#355611 - 03/05/11 07:31 AM Re: Why did I let it happen? [Re: Michael Murphy]
earlybird Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/10
Posts: 1007
Loc: WA USA
Bluejay,

The question of “why” haunts nearly all of us as I believe it should. Why another person would derive pleasure from injuring others is a “why” that there is no legitimate answer therefor leaving the injured questioning. I know I want my rapists to explain to me, why. They never will, which will leave me wrestling with all the “whys” though there will never be an answer that will satisfy my questioning.

I’d like to revisit another part of your “why” which several men here have responded to and I must as well. Your question of “why did you not stop it”. That is a question, that at the route, blames you (the victim) shifting responsibility from the guilty (your dad). I hope you can hear each of us as we share our learned understanding – rape at any age is not the victims fault. It 100% the fault of the rapists. No “whys” about it.

My heart and thoughts go out to you as so do so many others here. We are on similar journeys and as difficult a travel this is we can and will learn how to help each other along to a place of healing. Earl

_________________________
Balanced (My goal)

There is symmetry
In self-reflection
Life exemplified
Grace personified

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#355668 - 03/05/11 08:07 PM Re: Why did I let it happen? [Re: earlybird]
oriolesguy Offline


Registered: 08/12/08
Posts: 106
Loc: Long Island, NY
Hey Blue Jay (you a Toronto Blue Jays fan??),
Every so often I do what you do, and that is bounce the blame game around in my brain until I think I've exhausted all the possibilities. And for some reason we blame ourselves. At least I did, since I blamed MY behavior and MY being in that place for at least part of what happened.

But we have to get back to the basics. None of us ever asked to have that happen. We weren't looking for it. And we are in no way responsible.

If you read my story, you'll see what I mean. I was lured on by a young lady and offered sex on a platter. And I fell for it. Once in her apartment, I got nailed by four guys. And so often I blamed myself because I was looking for sex, and I shouldn't have been. My logic became..... my fault. I shouldn't have been looking for sex. And I even, for awhile, believed that I got what I deserved. And I sense that you're falling for that false sense of logic.

So often we ask why, and there just is no answer. I never knew my attackers, yet I constantly asked "why?" I won't get the answer, so I'm left to think it through on my own, and this is what I think. Plain and simply put, there are people in this world who are evil, through and through, and have no regard for anyone else. The one who murders, steals, destroys, and thinks only of himself, and yes, rapes. Unfortunately, we have crossed path with some of those evil humans, but we ourselves have done none of those things. We are victims, however, and victims should never feel the guilt imposed on them by their attackers. The guilt, shame, embarrassment, and worthlessness belong to my attackers. NOT me, although they'd like those things to be mine.

My attackers almost won, when I came very close to suicide. But in the end, they haven't won. I can be confident that, at this point, my life is probably much better than theirs. How screwed up their thinking - and their lives - must be.

Rest assured that you are guiltless. Everyone knows it. You just need to have that self-confidence in yourself to know that not only are you innocent of any wrongdoing, but you're a much greater human than so many others who have done what they did. Never forget that.

Oriolesguy





Edited by oriolesguy (03/05/11 08:10 PM)

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#357010 - 03/18/11 02:42 PM Re: Why did I let it happen? [Re: oriolesguy]
bluejay Offline


Registered: 02/23/11
Posts: 51
I read over the replies here again and wanted to respond back first and foremost saying thank you for your understanding of the situation and support. I wish it weren't the case, but I'm glad I'm not alone with this.

I understand that there is no answer to the question why, and even if an answer presented itself would I say "Ah, now I understand and that makes it ok." I think not. I do not believe it will ever be ok. I think that by the time this event happened I was already so cowed down by my brother that it was just an automatic response to what I knew was going to happen. With that said, do you think it's possible to change that response when new things come up?

I hope this makes sense.

Jason


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#357011 - 03/18/11 02:44 PM Re: Why did I let it happen? [Re: bluejay]
bluejay Offline


Registered: 02/23/11
Posts: 51
Oriolesguy, no sorry I am not a Toronto Blue Jays fan. It's the Bruins for this guy smile I got the nick-name bluejay as a kid, when I happened to my hands on a gallon of blue paint!


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#357019 - 03/18/11 04:03 PM Re: Why did I let it happen? [Re: bluejay]
prisonerID Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/08
Posts: 1247
Loc: Oklahoma
bluejay,

Let me begin by saying that yes I do believe that this can be overcome. You are very right in that pre-conditioning makes a difference in how we react and respond to situations. I still, twenty years later, have those reflexive responses from my assault.

Whatever may have shaped your reactions and responses then can be altered with realization, hard work and a good therapist. But I do believe this can be turned around to where it is to a lesser degree.

I hope I never have to find out but I do wonder if I would still freeze after all these years if confronted in the same manner I was twenty years ago. But I must admit to a certain curiosity about it.


Daryl

_________________________
Broad statements often miss their true mark.

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#357407 - 03/23/11 02:02 AM Re: Why did I let it happen? [Re: prisonerID]
1.healing Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/10/10
Posts: 261
Loc: NW Ohio

Hi Jason,

I think everyone here would agree with you that there is nothing OK about your older brother assaulting you, that there is no excuse, reason or explanation that could ever make that OK, ever! Also not OK was your middle brother setting you up, not OK at all.

What most of us mean by "OK With It" is, developing and having skills that allow you to deal with it in healthy ways and taking charge of your life in ways that are good for you. So that you're OK in how your dealing with it and how you're feeling about dealing with it. I hope this makes some sense?

I was cowed by my perp cousin Steve years before he sexually abused me, I know what your saying about it. There's even a term for it GROOMING. We are groomed to be easier prey for the perpetrator, less resistant, and yes, even a look from them can freeze you in your tracks.

You can definitely learn to change the response and, my friend, when you do you are going to feel a lot of the power he took from you literally reenter your body and soul, it is electric! It is an amazing thing and I know it will one day happen for you, but it's about keeping with the work, that's what gets you there.

So keep on keeping with it!

Gary

_________________________
"It's never too late to be what you might have been."

George Elliot

"You cannot find peace by avoiding life."

Virginia Woolf

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#357436 - 03/23/11 11:39 AM Re: Why did I let it happen? [Re: bluejay]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6378
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
Originally Posted By: bluejay
First on my list, how could I have let it happen?

I am in so much pain over that simple little three letter word. Why?


I must say, I think you are looking at the wrong 3-letter word. I think "let" has no place in your desriptions and conclusions about the crime.

Does a bank manager LET the robbers take money and kill people? No. The guy(s) with the calculated higher-power MAKE it happen. No one recounting a bank robbery asks themselves why they LET it happen. Peel off that word from your back. Don't allow LET stick to you any more. You did not LET anything happen. Its not possible.

(not intending to get in your face if that's how it seems)



Edited by Robbie Brown (03/23/11 01:40 PM)
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#357533 - 03/24/11 08:21 AM Re: Why did I let it happen? [Re: Still]
bluejay Offline


Registered: 02/23/11
Posts: 51
I would agree with you one hundred percent on that except that I did let it happen. 20 years old? Come on, I was capable of taking care of myself, I knew right from wrong, I knew how to say no, I probably could have gotten away had I tried, but I did nothing. I LET it happen.

Thanks,
Jay


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#357595 - 03/24/11 08:23 PM Re: Why did I let it happen? [Re: bluejay]
prisonerID Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/08
Posts: 1247
Loc: Oklahoma
Jay,

Freezing up is not allowing the assault or violence. It happens to some of us and it is not giving permission for another to harm us. Not in any way, shape or form. I hope you look at this again and again and do so without the condemnation that is easy for a survivor to heap on his own self.


Daryl

_________________________
Broad statements often miss their true mark.

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#357599 - 03/24/11 09:04 PM Re: Why did I let it happen? [Re: bluejay]
Rusty563 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/11
Posts: 200
Loc: Anywhere, USA
I'll tell you what some very wise men told me last night YOU DID'T LET IT HAPPEN.

I was abused from 15-17 by older men. I've been groomed, I've been stalked, I've prostituted myself, and I've even given a priest oral sex. When I told a friend of mine what had happened with the priest. She asked why didn't I stop him? I was 17. I was old enough to protect myself. I told her because I was afraid.

I think I understand what you went through. The horror of the abuse had you frozen with fear and your abuser used that fear against you but my friend it wasn't your fault. You didn't let it happen. You have no one to blame but the one who abused you.

Peace, Rusty

_________________________
There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you - Maya Angelous
Freedom is never voluntarily given by the oppressor; it must be demanded by the oppressed - Martin Luther King
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5qF_qbaWt3Q
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KDOkMSf-F14

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#357636 - 03/25/11 08:31 AM Re: Why did I let it happen? [Re: Rusty563]
bluejay Offline


Registered: 02/23/11
Posts: 51
The truth of the matter is that I am stuck on thinking that I let it happen and making it my fault because if I let that go and decide to put all of the blame on him rather than me, well I guess all of that blame, shame and anger goes nowhere.

I mean the bottom line is if I blame myself, I can punish myself in a variety of ways. If I blame him.... what do I do about it? I can sit and stew all day long blaming him and hating him and no matter how bad I feel about it, it doesn't faze him in the least. It's like having a bucket of nails and no hammer.

No matter who I blame for what, it's still my anger that I'm left to deal with.

At some point I suppose I'll confront him but that day seems far in the future, maybe then I can properly put the blame on him. I simply don't know what all of this is going to bring in the future. As fearful as I am, I do know that I cannot continue to be stuck where I am.

And what about choices? I cannot count the number of times he had given me viable options and yet I continued to make the wrong choices, the ones that satisfied him and got me hurt. Is that his fault as well?

If I'm consciously making a decision about something, am I not responsible for the consequences of my decision?

This is truly frustrating! But as always I'm grateful for the support.

Thanks!
Jason


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#357653 - 03/25/11 11:56 AM Re: Why did I let it happen? [Re: bluejay]
1.healing Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/10/10
Posts: 261
Loc: NW Ohio
Taking responsibility for the things that happen in one's life is a sign of growth and maturity, that you have this quality is admirable as it's also an example of your integrity and strength. I've a feeling that in time this is going to get sorted out in your mind, that you'll find the way that it best works for you, that it will be resolved. It isn't necessary that it's today or tomorrow or next week or next year, everything in it's own time. This will have it's own season too.

Jason, it's great that you've begun your healing journey and that you're committed to making better choices for yourself now and in the future, they will serve you well, you deserve much credit for your work so far. You don't have to resolve every issue and problem right away, what was done didn't happen over night and it can't be undone that quickly either, but I'm sure that you're going to get there!

Gary

_________________________
"It's never too late to be what you might have been."

George Elliot

"You cannot find peace by avoiding life."

Virginia Woolf

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#357657 - 03/25/11 12:29 PM Re: Why did I let it happen? [Re: bluejay]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1626
Loc: Minnesota
Be gentle with yourself.

Knowledge gives me choices-you are gaining knowledge in all this.

Many of my ideas, behavior, and attitudes were forged in an abusive family or from trauma-recognizing this has empowered me to accept these things from the past that I cannot change,'and given me tools and perspective to live a different life today.

The blame, shame, and twistedness belongs to those who hurt and took advantage of me for their own ends. At times I've had to angrily place this crap back a t the source-yet I fully accept the many things I did after to find relief in unhelpful ways- transforming from where welcome from to who we were meant to be is the work of recovery-

I look forward to hearing about your work, blue jay!

_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

“It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

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#357833 - 03/27/11 03:07 PM Re: Why did I let it happen? [Re: Mountainous Buck]
Jaifian Offline


Registered: 05/26/09
Posts: 220
Loc: washington state, USA
I've really been round and round with the whole issue of blaming self vrs blaming the perp. If I blame myself, I feel like a turd and if I blame the perp I feel like a victim.

For myself, I'm starting to adopt the idea of just accepting that there is no blame or revenge or justice or anything that can undo what has been done. Only recovery can really make anything better for me.


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#358012 - 03/29/11 11:15 AM Re: Why did I let it happen? [Re: Jaifian]
1.healing Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/10/10
Posts: 261
Loc: NW Ohio
Wonderfully said, Jaifian!

Gary

_________________________
"It's never too late to be what you might have been."

George Elliot

"You cannot find peace by avoiding life."

Virginia Woolf

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#358066 - 03/30/11 08:20 AM Re: Why did I let it happen? [Re: 1.healing]
bluejay Offline


Registered: 02/23/11
Posts: 51
You are correct Jaifian, no amount of anger or wanting revenge will change what happened and yes, I am convinced that recovery is a solution better than my alternative solutions to this. However, and it is possible that I am being too stubborn about this, the fact remains that I was able to protect myself, and I didn't. It's much easier to hold myself responsible. If I decide to hold him responsible that means action is necessary. Am I scared shitless to take action? Hell yes. I hope to get to the point someday where I can simply put all blame on him and focus on my recovery, for now that seems like false hope to me, but it's hope just the same.

Thank you for all of the replies on this and thanks for the support.

Jason


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#358100 - 03/30/11 02:52 PM Re: Why did I let it happen? [Re: bluejay]
1.healing Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/10/10
Posts: 261
Loc: NW Ohio
Happy 50Th Post!, Jason.

_________________________
"It's never too late to be what you might have been."

George Elliot

"You cannot find peace by avoiding life."

Virginia Woolf

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#360569 - 04/23/11 05:00 PM Re: Why did I let it happen? [Re: bluejay]
aeon jiminy Offline


Registered: 03/07/11
Posts: 6
If you were an older brother would you blame your younger brother for "letting" you commit a violent act against him? You wouldn't. Older brothers are supposed to set an example for the younger ones. He failed miserably.


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