Daryl,

Thanks for bringing up this topic for I’m sure it is on the minds of many of us who have or have not re-visited the places of our sexual attack (rape) or in many cases child sexual abuse. I can see, even make, an argument for or against going back to the very spot, risking re-traumatization.

For me it became important and extremely healing to go back twenty years later. I was amazed at how small ever thing seemed. I hadn’t realized that in my mind I was tiny and all the buildings and hedges were large when in reality nothing was as grand or powerful as my mind had remembered it to be. Though I was emotionally a wreck at times, in the end, I left that place as it should have been left – just a place. No longer carrying feeling of this place being the “drop dead trap” it was the night I was last there.

So for me – it was the best thing I’d ever done to find a sense of resolve. (Resolve of that issue not all issues arising from the rape – damn it) If I may make one strong suggestion – don’t do it alone! I had my wife and best friend with me and without their support I would have gotten within a few blocks and turned around. Like you and many others I was alone the night of my rape so to be there again alone……. For me, not a good plan. As always Daryl you have my love and support. Earl

This inner colflict surfaced into my conscious mind many times during the untreated silent years, any memory or reference of places or situations and even object caused anxieties and avoidance/suppression. Some of the auto-response to memories or triggers were totally unconscious reactions that became normal.
Like the shower, after the abduction a simple shower for me was like 30 seconds, everyone who lived with me knows this. I never associated this to the fact that during the assault I came too in a bathtub and I took numerous showers to get a grip/clean during the night.
I never ate breakfast, couldn't, the man took me to a cafe' before he released me. Plus more, but all the unassociated ingrained behaviors and cognitive changes are baffling.
The truth does not always set you free, this was painful; mentally/emotionally and physically.
For decades my gut and bowel movements have been psychosomatically affected.
Shortly after I started to talk about what happened I felt a strong urge to go to the exact spot where the man approached and deceived me, the cafe' and find the house. Everything that is embedded in my memory of the event.
I couldn't go so I googled the places via satelite maps. I used the feature that put me walking on the street. I was able to look around and even zoom in/out on frames.
I've revisited at times over the past 3 1/2 years and when I sit and see, like the cafe' in real time--I go deep, with the energy and visualize in a eyes open trance remembering all kinds of stuff from my past.
It helped me identify more hidden trauma within and then correct it. The energy was very intense.
Today I can take a nice normal shower and objects, places or situations that triggered me have little or no effect.
Still working on the breakfast deal but now I use the google satelite for visiting world/national landmarks, like a cyber vacation on the ground.
All part of the journey to get rid of something and replace it
Thanks Daryl,

Daryl, it takes a lot of strength and courage to post what you posted and to even consider going back tot he place where you were raped. I think it could be very powerful and emotionally empowering if you go there and it is able to make you feel safe, knowing that you are no longer held captive like you were that night, and to re-experience it on YOUR terms, because it is YOUR choice. I honestly wish I could go through that situation as it relates to my rape but when I had to go back there, it was a situation that was forced upon me, I didn't really want to be there and so I don't know if it was really productive to revisit it because it just made me feel like a victim again. I can say that I agree with Earl... you should take someone with you who can support you. You shouldn't have to retrace those steps alone. We will all be there with you in spirit, and you are incredibly strong for even considering doing this of your own volition.