Cheerful john,

Template boy sounds interesting. What do you mean by that and how did it help

I'm interested

Thanks Pat now

I am happy for you John.

Hey guys,

Lots to think about. I usually acted out my SSA in gay porn. VEry specific. Always masculine. Never twiniks. I'm 50 and married. And happily so. The guilt though has been hurtful and teh shame that somehow I'm broken. But i've been reading that this is a defense to overpower the male perp and give ma a feeling of strength. I did act out, but that was years ago and hurt my wife deeply. IF you an avoid, please do.

I don't believe the porn is a long term solution. And I do agree that healthy relationships with a wide variety of men is especailly helping me to see myself differently.

If I let go of the shameful image of myself, what would I replace it with? A healthy one. With Mast for pleasure, not power. and intimacy with my wife.

I tned to agree the more I move away from porn, and just either have fantasies or not. It doens't really matter. It just it. It's doesnt' have to be fixed. It just is. My reaction to it? I would like it to be "non event".


Also, I haven't thought of the hypocrisy of women who talk about men, but think its' so wrong if men do it. I grew up in a household like that. But, I didn't think about it. It was supporting women who were oppressed by men. Just like me. I didn't realize it could be shaming me. From both sides. From men and from women. WOW.

I'ts thorny. But I appreciate the opinions and have learned a lot. I hope to get to the it doesn't matter point. We're all OKAY just the way we are.

Not sure how it works but It was absolutely sealed in my mind from a boy who was an onlooker while another boy initiated me through a 'minor' ceremony. All those who seemed to queue up to do stuff to me throughout school and beyond were compared to him even though I was unaware of this until many years later.

Those who looked like him held me captive even when totally ignorant of my existence.

Recognizing it, seeing envy as the root, and seeing that he wronged me even though he was just a spectator finally broke it about 4 years ago.

It maybe that I somehow disassociated 'onto him' somehow?

The boy who did the speaking and actions resembles all those who abused me from 10 to 19.

Sorry for such a slow reply.

Blessings
CJ

I think there are triggers that can come up at any time to make me aroused about some guy. I might then fantasize a lot about the guy. Then I feel guilty and confused. But when I realize that the fantasy is about being dominated or used or even abused I remind myself that it is not homosexuality as much as it is abuse and wanting to please a man so he'll like me or won't hurt me. I like what Ryan says about being too hard on ourselves.

********************

Juni told me once, early in my being here at MS, something about the same sex attraction for us was really a relational problem, and it took me some time to process what this meant. I had come to view the natural desire for male companionship, friendship, as the same as sexual desire because of being abused at early ages. then again at 13-14. its what i knew. and as i learned how to gain acceptance through sexual activity, it deepened the relational connection i felt between me and men i was attracted to. in essence ,it was a way i was relating to adult males. and once that was recognized for what it is, then i could address it as false. it does lessen dramatically.

I have had ssa since I can remember, and I don't remember the feelings ever going away; however, they have become less intense. I have come to the point that I have accepted the feelings, but I am trying to not act on them.

TW

Ryan_a - "Why is it some deep dark secret of which we must be ashamed? I say just go with it and be happy. "

Excellent point! Thanks for that.

After a few more months have passed since posting in this thread AND closing in on 4 years of CSA therapy, I can say with confidence and joy my gayness/ssa has NOT gone away.

I believe all of us can be gay or straight or bi-sexual. I also believe that we can have attractions to others without any cauuse or reason.

As I find "joy" in my own self then I am finding joy in my sexuality.

Hopefully months/weeks ago, I did NOT upset anyone by what I said.

Donnie